You'll see that many Borderlines are religious. Many aren't religious. Many BPDs are born again. And again. And again. Many never go near religion.
It's a tough one, religion and borderlines. My ex BPD was raised by her parents -- one was Jewish, the other was Methodist. We spoke about going to church, thought that we had found a church to attend, but never did actually attend.
The Supernatural
The BPD thought that she was quite spiritual; in fact, she said that she would actually have premonitions. Before her husband died, she said that she had a feeling that he was going to die.
From what I saw with her, she did not have any type of spiritual insight. In fact, she was so all-over-the-place that she had 1,000 "premonitions" a day -- if one of them came to fruition, she suddenly felt like she was psychic.
I've covered this before, but the BPD's anxieties were all over the place. She looked at the world, particularly our relationship, so negatively that she found negative things to cite.
The Borderline actually sought the experience of many outside psychics. She contacted one famous psychic and spent over $700 USD to get her input on her husband's death and if Bob was a good person in her life. She actually had a CD of the recording -- the woman tells her that she's going to live to be 88, blah blah blah but gives her no input on the Bob in her life, or the Robert as she asked. It was a silly way to spend $700 in my opinion.
She went to another psychic that told her that she was going to meet her next husband in the timeframe when she met me. This one died after they met in-person in New York City.
Aaaaaah, the drama. Nothing like a little borderline drama to keep things exciting.
Devout Followers
When Borderlines get involved in religion, they get quite involved and will be extreme. Some say that BPDs are inclined to join cults and other extreme groups.
In Christianity, Borderlines will most likely be extremely evangelical followers. One BPD said that she was Born Again -- twice, stating, "I always left the door open for Jesus, even when I wasn't going to church."
Borderlines like the structure that religion brings. The Bible is black and white, so the BPD can have understandable rules that they follow, provided their partners support religion and the church. Overall, it's good for BPDs as it gives them structure and rules to live by.
If you have a BPD in your life and want to help the relationship, attending a local church and joining a religion may help quiet some of the turbulent times. Think about it, and see if it can work for you.
Showing posts with label borderline control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label borderline control. Show all posts
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Intensive Care
I completely forgot about when I had to be admitted into Intensive Care in 2006. What a story...
On June 25, 2006 (not that I remember dates or anything), my exBPD and I were cleaning out her kitchen when I found a box of sandwich toothpicks, the ones with plastic tassels on the end of it. I also found straws and started blowing darts across the kitchen. The second dart, I put into the straw, and inhaled, getting ready to blow the dart across the kitchen.
Unfortunately, the dart went the wrong way.
When I inhaled through my mouth, the dart went into my mouth and down my throat. I swallowed hard, and the dart was gone.
I felt like the dart was sitting in the back of my throat, but it must have scratched my throat as it was going into my stomach. We called the hospital and they advised us to go right in.
I went to Somerset Medical Center and was checked out. A specialist came and gave me an Endoscopy, trying to get the toothpick out of my stomach.
The specialist couldn't get the toothpick out of my stomach. They said that I had eaten too much for lunch and couldn't find it. They told me to go home, and it should hopefully pass.
The next few days were relatively uneventful. I periodically checked to see if the toothpick had passed, and I'd periodically feel pains in my stomach, but didn't worry too much about it.
The following weekend was the fourth of July. We were scheduled to go to my friend's for a barbeque, then drive down to my place in Delaware to spend a weekend at the beach with all five of the kids. Fun for all. Unfortunately, I was in great pain at my friend's house, but hung tough. She drove down to Delaware because I was in such pain, and I decided that if necessary, I would go to the hospital down there. That evening, I was in great pain, but I decided to wait the night.
The next morning, I felt fine. We had a wonderful weekend in Delaware, and I wrote our Commitment Declaration, which we celebrated on the beach and had a great time overall.
We came back from Delaware on Tuesday, I believe. I felt fine. By the end of the week, however, I was in great pain whenever I urinated. On Friday, I went to the doctor, who said that I would need to go to the Emergency Room and get a CAT scan. They needed to see if they could find the toothpick.
I spent the entire night in the hospital and got two CAT scans. At 4 a.m., the doctor admitted me into the hospital -- Intensive Care. They wanted to watch me because they thought that the toothpick was floating in my body cavity. I had a fever and they put me on an IV right away.
In the morning, I prepped for my surgery, couldn't eat and had two operations.The first, which was like a colonoscopy (forget the name), produced nothing. The second was surgery where they went into my body and retrieved the toothpick.
In recovery, my lung collapsed. Back into Intensive Care I went for 2 more days.
The BPD was with me for much of the surgery, and she stayed with me the first night after my surgery. She was quite supportive overall, but of course, when I asked her to get my phone because I wanted to call my friend Mike, she suspected that I was going to call women.
Her anxiety got worse though. On the second night, when she was going to stay over, I was flipping TV stations and in my own world, according to her. I guess that I wasn't paying enough attention to her, so she was upset and she stormed out around 11 p.m. There I was, upset, and she had left because I wasn't paying any attention to her while I was in Intensive Care.
Does anyone see the problem with this?
The next day, I was moved out of Intensive Care, and my Mom was coming to see me. They (my parents) had been there through all of the surgery and the later days, but she was coming to see me. I asked her to stop at my house and pick up my laptop, as I had a credit card bill that was about to be late. She stopped and picked up the laptop, which caused yet more anxiety with the BPD. She thought that I was going to email others or reach out to people, I guess.
She came to the hospital upset and not happy with me. Anyway, I was released the following day, and we had 1-1/2 weeks to spend together as I was told to stay out of work by the doctor.
The Tour de France was on during this time, and I love the tour. An American was in contention, so I was particularly interested and I tried to watch it every day.
This again was not good. The BPD felt that I was so focused on the Tour and not paying enough attention to her. She was greatly upset by this.
Some of these episodes became the BPDs reasons for telling me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- because I did not pay enough attention to her or would focus on something other than her.
I returned to work after 2 weeks of being out. The BPD made the entire time, just like when I was in the hospital, about her. I couldn't recover and not pay attention to her, as the BPDs narcissistic tendencies make them the focus and require them to be the focus regardless of others' needs.
Looking back, I should have walked after the episode was over. How can someone justify walking out of another when they're in the hospital? That's downright abuse and something that I wish that I had brought up in counseling.
I told my coworker about this, and her response was appropriate: "That's not a sick person, that's just the most selfish, most immature person that you'll ever meet."
So true.
Good riddance.
On June 25, 2006 (not that I remember dates or anything), my exBPD and I were cleaning out her kitchen when I found a box of sandwich toothpicks, the ones with plastic tassels on the end of it. I also found straws and started blowing darts across the kitchen. The second dart, I put into the straw, and inhaled, getting ready to blow the dart across the kitchen.
Unfortunately, the dart went the wrong way.
When I inhaled through my mouth, the dart went into my mouth and down my throat. I swallowed hard, and the dart was gone.
I felt like the dart was sitting in the back of my throat, but it must have scratched my throat as it was going into my stomach. We called the hospital and they advised us to go right in.
I went to Somerset Medical Center and was checked out. A specialist came and gave me an Endoscopy, trying to get the toothpick out of my stomach.
The specialist couldn't get the toothpick out of my stomach. They said that I had eaten too much for lunch and couldn't find it. They told me to go home, and it should hopefully pass.
The next few days were relatively uneventful. I periodically checked to see if the toothpick had passed, and I'd periodically feel pains in my stomach, but didn't worry too much about it.
The following weekend was the fourth of July. We were scheduled to go to my friend's for a barbeque, then drive down to my place in Delaware to spend a weekend at the beach with all five of the kids. Fun for all. Unfortunately, I was in great pain at my friend's house, but hung tough. She drove down to Delaware because I was in such pain, and I decided that if necessary, I would go to the hospital down there. That evening, I was in great pain, but I decided to wait the night.
The next morning, I felt fine. We had a wonderful weekend in Delaware, and I wrote our Commitment Declaration, which we celebrated on the beach and had a great time overall.
We came back from Delaware on Tuesday, I believe. I felt fine. By the end of the week, however, I was in great pain whenever I urinated. On Friday, I went to the doctor, who said that I would need to go to the Emergency Room and get a CAT scan. They needed to see if they could find the toothpick.
I spent the entire night in the hospital and got two CAT scans. At 4 a.m., the doctor admitted me into the hospital -- Intensive Care. They wanted to watch me because they thought that the toothpick was floating in my body cavity. I had a fever and they put me on an IV right away.
In the morning, I prepped for my surgery, couldn't eat and had two operations.The first, which was like a colonoscopy (forget the name), produced nothing. The second was surgery where they went into my body and retrieved the toothpick.
In recovery, my lung collapsed. Back into Intensive Care I went for 2 more days.
The BPD was with me for much of the surgery, and she stayed with me the first night after my surgery. She was quite supportive overall, but of course, when I asked her to get my phone because I wanted to call my friend Mike, she suspected that I was going to call women.
Her anxiety got worse though. On the second night, when she was going to stay over, I was flipping TV stations and in my own world, according to her. I guess that I wasn't paying enough attention to her, so she was upset and she stormed out around 11 p.m. There I was, upset, and she had left because I wasn't paying any attention to her while I was in Intensive Care.
Does anyone see the problem with this?
The next day, I was moved out of Intensive Care, and my Mom was coming to see me. They (my parents) had been there through all of the surgery and the later days, but she was coming to see me. I asked her to stop at my house and pick up my laptop, as I had a credit card bill that was about to be late. She stopped and picked up the laptop, which caused yet more anxiety with the BPD. She thought that I was going to email others or reach out to people, I guess.
She came to the hospital upset and not happy with me. Anyway, I was released the following day, and we had 1-1/2 weeks to spend together as I was told to stay out of work by the doctor.
The Tour de France was on during this time, and I love the tour. An American was in contention, so I was particularly interested and I tried to watch it every day.
This again was not good. The BPD felt that I was so focused on the Tour and not paying enough attention to her. She was greatly upset by this.
Some of these episodes became the BPDs reasons for telling me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- because I did not pay enough attention to her or would focus on something other than her.
I returned to work after 2 weeks of being out. The BPD made the entire time, just like when I was in the hospital, about her. I couldn't recover and not pay attention to her, as the BPDs narcissistic tendencies make them the focus and require them to be the focus regardless of others' needs.
Looking back, I should have walked after the episode was over. How can someone justify walking out of another when they're in the hospital? That's downright abuse and something that I wish that I had brought up in counseling.
I told my coworker about this, and her response was appropriate: "That's not a sick person, that's just the most selfish, most immature person that you'll ever meet."
So true.
Good riddance.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Control & Boundaries
One of the biggest aspects of a relationship with a BPD is control. I never realized this until I was out of the relationship, but BPDs have to control every aspect of the Non's being, or they go absolutely insane.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.
The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.
Boundaries Are CRITICAL
One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.
Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.
Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.
Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem
Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.
The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.
Boundaries Are CRITICAL
One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.
Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.
Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.
Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem
Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.
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