I'm not sure why you all want an update on my personal life, but here goes. Do me a favor and tell me what else you're looking for (I'll even let anonymous posters put their opinion). I'm going to keep this light and easy, because my life really isn't that much fun. :-)
THE REAL FUN STUFF
- I'm probably going out once or twice a week. Sometimes dates, sometimes out with friends, but just getting out. The time is coming where I can fully date again. I've met some good people and quality people that I really appreciate and have learned quite a bit from.
Getting over the next few weeks will be tough, as all of the girls' birthdays are at the end of this month and the 10th and 15th of next month.
- I'm working out pretty regularly and trying to get 6 pack abs as well as a completely toned body. My upper body is more toned than ever.
- I'm feeling fantastic overall, my self esteem and confidence has been quite high, and I feel like I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. Overall, I'm content.
- I've become a crack addict out of sheer boredom. If you believe that one, I'VE GOT SOME LAND IN FLORIDA I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU!
- I got tickets to see Dave Matthews Band in June, and I'm real excited. DMB is supposed to be fantastic. Still looking for someone to go with, but in due time...
THE EVEN MORE FUN STUFF
- My kids are doing real well, and we're back to the tight unit that we've always been.
- The job is going well
- I've got a number of websites that I'm about to launch that are going to be real cool. From fishing to writing and others, I'm going to have some real neat websites launching in the next few weeks.
- My pet silverfish keeps running away. ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
- I've finally grabbed onto what I'm passionate about -- writing. I've done it forever but always wanted a little more -- to be that executive in the corner office. Not anymore. Writing is just fine for me. Pretty nice feeling.
I STILL CAN'T WAIT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
- I can't wait, but I will. I now know that I won't settle. Whatever I settle for is what I ultimately get, so I'm shooting for the stars, and I'll wait until I get it.
- I've learned the teachings of the book 'The Secret' and I'm using them. They really work.
- Praying has also helped.
- I don't know what's happened, but a weight has lifted off of my shoulders in the past couple of weeks. It's an amazing thing. I feel content. Things are coming together for me.
- I deserve, and will have, the excellent relationship. I will have it, and I will settle for no less
- Can't wait to find my Dreamgirl - in due time, in due time...
What else do you want to know? Post a comment and let me know what you're looking for. You want me to tell you about my personal life, but I'm not hurting like I was a couple of months ago. So, I don't have that much fun stuff to tell. I will when it gets real exciting...
Enjoy!
:-)
Showing posts with label den is back. Show all posts
Showing posts with label den is back. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Best of You
I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.
Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.
No one. I won't let anyone have that.
I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!
This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.
Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.
No one. I won't let anyone have that.
I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!
This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!
*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Content
I started seeing the counselor one year ago. Strangely, when I first went to counseling while being in the relationship with the BPD, it was to work with her on the issues that I saw from the beginning. Of course, we got there and the problems were all mine.
We first saw the counselor because she thought that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- multiple personalities! She said that I would morph into different "people" -- when we were laying together and I would talk, I would go into a person that was like my father. When playing games and doing something competitive, I would become someone who was ultra-focused and competitive. When dancing, I became a confident, top-of-world kind of guy that was someone else. There were many other personalities that she said that I had. Scared little boy, guy who would go around and bang women and the like.
I realized that she was playing a sick psychological game and wanted it fixed. If she said that I was dissociating, fine. Let's get me analyzed and see what the deal is.
Of course, I wasn't dissociating. I don't have multiple personalities. Just like I'm not an abuser.
The BPD and I first saw Valerie together -- she is an EMDR specialist and Karen felt that it would be good for me to go and have EMDR. She always thought that I had these terrible repressed memories that I couldn't remember from my childhood, and she thought that EMDR would help me.
I said fine. Looking back again, this wasn't me. It was her. But I played along, believing that a professional would sniff out the true situation and would help the BPD. I didn't understand that BPDs are masters at working with counselors so much that counselors usually dismiss them because the BPD will take the counselor around in circles and not address their issues.
In fact, the BPD told me that she went to another counselor who eventually told her that it was time to go. Clearly, she had issues when I met her, yet this counselor dismissed her? She must have also known that my ex had BPD.
One more thing -- I would never EVER "play along." I have neither the time nor the tolerance to play along and not be true to my convictions, and I wouldn't recommend that anyone else ever have this either. Being a "nice guy" gets you nowhere, as I've learned. I'm now a "good guy" but I'll never be a nice guy again...
When I started seeing the counselor by myself, we covered quite a few things. My childhood was focused on, and we did Imago mapping to see what childhood issues I had. We talked about my fear of being alone, particularly when Karen kicked me out the second time . In the sessions, we got to points where I wasn't needing counseling, and I wouldn't see her for a month or so, then we'd go back in. We'd always discuss the BPD a little bit, but then the focus would go back to me.
My exBPD also saw her, as she played the victim of this abuser (me:)) who lived with her and she couldn't get away from. Then I moved out. So she changed that to "I kicked you out." I reminded her multiple times that she told me "I don't want you to go" and I appreciated saying that, but my safety and the safety of my children was at stake. The BPD was devastated, as she told me.
When we were living apart, I started going to counseling regularly, usually because Karen had just broken up with me AGAIN. After we broke up for good, I started going even more regularly -- I wanted to make sure that I healed properly and made myself whole.
I'm not sure what happened, but I finally feel whole as of last night. The holes are gone.
It's all about awareness. I'm aware of the issues that I've had, I've lived through and I've processed all of them. They no longer subconsciously drive me. I no longer need to rescue, caregive and the like. In fact, when I meet someone that needs rescuing, I walk away.
I'm now drawn to people that don't need no stinking rescuing.
Awareness. I'm aware of the issues. I don't have to rescue and put my time into another in an attempt to deflect my inner pain. I have no inner pain. I'm content.
I'm content. What a feeling.
One year of counseling. I wanted to make sure I got here, and I've arrived. The childhood issues are put away. I emerge confident, sure of myself and the person that I always wanted to be.
I'm the man I always wanted to be. God, tears are in my eyes as I write this. I can't believe I can feel like this.
Looking at what happened in the past few years, my life was in turmoil long before the BPD. She was, as the counselor put it, "The Perfect Storm" that brought everything to a climax.
First, I was miserable in my marriage. Absolutely miserable. My ex wife wasn't the person that I should be with, but I persisted. Once I got out of the marriage, I was unsure what I should do. I met women that filled my time, but I had little tolerance for any bullshit. The first relationship that I was in after I separated, I wanted out after 2 weeks. The girl had issues and I had no time for that. I finally got out after about 7 months. There I was, being a nice guy again.
I had a couple of other relationships before I met the BPD, but they clearly weren't going to be the end-all either. I was going through the divorce and not emotionally ready for it. Then I met her.
Second, my career was all over the place. I had veered off of the writing path and had gone into Project Management, probably because that's what my father did. While I liked parts of project management, particularly working with others to make things happen, I didn't love it. It suited me okay, but I'm the kind of person that can do most everything.
I was offered the job heading the fishing company, but the company wasn't going anywhere and I was dealing with HUGE issues with the girlfriend. She drank too much, was too emotionally needy and too controlling (uh oh, sounds like a pattern here), and I wanted out. The Fisherman offered me the job in Delaware, and I jumped at it.
Delaware was such a wonderful experience for me. I proved to myself that I could be on my own and thrive, not survive, but thrive. I love that place and I cherish the memories that I have from there. Managing Editor of a fishing magazine, fishing regularly, going out when I wanted, learning to play guitar, speaking at fishing meetings and conventions...what else would a guy want?
The only problem is that my kids were 3 hours away from me. In the end, I couldn't live so far away from them. It was too hard for both of us. We're too close and I never wanted to be that kind of father. So I had to come back, and I began looking to get a job up north and find a girlfriend up north.
Then I met her. We started dating and the sparks were there, I filled her emotional holes, and she gave me what she thought I need. Things were wonderful. When I was planning to move, she asked me to move in when I moved north, 3 short months after our first date. I thought that it would work because I'd be over her place all the time anyway, so I said yes.
The first position I had when I was up here was okay. It was a Marketing Manager position, a job where I did quite a bit of writing and developed web marketing programs as well. I probably spent half my day dealing with Karen and her issues then recovering emotionally from dealing with her issues, and my work was mediocre. After one year, it was time to go, and I found a company where I could be a web marketing manager.
This is where the Perfect Storm kicked in. I was essentially learning new skills in web marketing, not devoting enough time to it, having a girlfriend that was so far up my ass that she took me to lunch every day, and then getting my kids on 2 nights a week and weekends. I was completely controlled by her fears, and I complied and tried to make them better. The job suffered, and I feel bad about that. That will never happen again. I feel bad about that.
I was a superstar when I was a web marketing manager at this company. They discovered that in addition to my web marketing and management skills, I was a great writer. They loved me and I loved the job and the people that I worked with. Unfortunately, the company was acquired and times were changing quickly. My boss left after I was there for 4 months, and most management had been fired or was on their way out. My co-workers ALL left as well. So I had to go after 6 months.
I actually was hired by an ex-patriot of that company who brought me into a Product Management position. At first, I had too much responsibility, and given everything with the BPD, I just couldn't do it. In time, they scaled back my responsibilities to heading the content development team.
I've realized that my passion remains in writing and that I express myself through this writing (think so? Look at how many posts I've written about this). I finally have realized that my passion falls in writing. I've always done it as Editor and all the fishing columns that I've held through the years, but I finally realized that this is my passion. This is what I will do in the future until my passions change. But this is my passion.
It's nice to feel like this finally. Do something that you love, become the person that you always wanted to be, be the father that you always wanted to be.
This is why I'm done with counseling. I've done the work, and I completed it. As a result, I can make the above statements. I do something that I'm passionate about, I've become the person that I've always wanted to be, and I'm the father that I always wanted to be. I'm content.
The only thing that is missing is being the husband that I always wanted to be. I've realized that this will happen in time, and I'm no longer rushing to find it. The law of attraction is in my favor, and as long as I continue to emanate my positive, uplifting energy, it will come back to me, tenfold.
So, I can now say, I'm content.
What a good feeling.
We first saw the counselor because she thought that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- multiple personalities! She said that I would morph into different "people" -- when we were laying together and I would talk, I would go into a person that was like my father. When playing games and doing something competitive, I would become someone who was ultra-focused and competitive. When dancing, I became a confident, top-of-world kind of guy that was someone else. There were many other personalities that she said that I had. Scared little boy, guy who would go around and bang women and the like.
I realized that she was playing a sick psychological game and wanted it fixed. If she said that I was dissociating, fine. Let's get me analyzed and see what the deal is.
Of course, I wasn't dissociating. I don't have multiple personalities. Just like I'm not an abuser.
The BPD and I first saw Valerie together -- she is an EMDR specialist and Karen felt that it would be good for me to go and have EMDR. She always thought that I had these terrible repressed memories that I couldn't remember from my childhood, and she thought that EMDR would help me.
I said fine. Looking back again, this wasn't me. It was her. But I played along, believing that a professional would sniff out the true situation and would help the BPD. I didn't understand that BPDs are masters at working with counselors so much that counselors usually dismiss them because the BPD will take the counselor around in circles and not address their issues.
In fact, the BPD told me that she went to another counselor who eventually told her that it was time to go. Clearly, she had issues when I met her, yet this counselor dismissed her? She must have also known that my ex had BPD.
One more thing -- I would never EVER "play along." I have neither the time nor the tolerance to play along and not be true to my convictions, and I wouldn't recommend that anyone else ever have this either. Being a "nice guy" gets you nowhere, as I've learned. I'm now a "good guy" but I'll never be a nice guy again...
When I started seeing the counselor by myself, we covered quite a few things. My childhood was focused on, and we did Imago mapping to see what childhood issues I had. We talked about my fear of being alone, particularly when Karen kicked me out the second time . In the sessions, we got to points where I wasn't needing counseling, and I wouldn't see her for a month or so, then we'd go back in. We'd always discuss the BPD a little bit, but then the focus would go back to me.
My exBPD also saw her, as she played the victim of this abuser (me:)) who lived with her and she couldn't get away from. Then I moved out. So she changed that to "I kicked you out." I reminded her multiple times that she told me "I don't want you to go" and I appreciated saying that, but my safety and the safety of my children was at stake. The BPD was devastated, as she told me.
When we were living apart, I started going to counseling regularly, usually because Karen had just broken up with me AGAIN. After we broke up for good, I started going even more regularly -- I wanted to make sure that I healed properly and made myself whole.
I'm not sure what happened, but I finally feel whole as of last night. The holes are gone.
It's all about awareness. I'm aware of the issues that I've had, I've lived through and I've processed all of them. They no longer subconsciously drive me. I no longer need to rescue, caregive and the like. In fact, when I meet someone that needs rescuing, I walk away.
I'm now drawn to people that don't need no stinking rescuing.
Awareness. I'm aware of the issues. I don't have to rescue and put my time into another in an attempt to deflect my inner pain. I have no inner pain. I'm content.
I'm content. What a feeling.
One year of counseling. I wanted to make sure I got here, and I've arrived. The childhood issues are put away. I emerge confident, sure of myself and the person that I always wanted to be.
I'm the man I always wanted to be. God, tears are in my eyes as I write this. I can't believe I can feel like this.
Looking at what happened in the past few years, my life was in turmoil long before the BPD. She was, as the counselor put it, "The Perfect Storm" that brought everything to a climax.
First, I was miserable in my marriage. Absolutely miserable. My ex wife wasn't the person that I should be with, but I persisted. Once I got out of the marriage, I was unsure what I should do. I met women that filled my time, but I had little tolerance for any bullshit. The first relationship that I was in after I separated, I wanted out after 2 weeks. The girl had issues and I had no time for that. I finally got out after about 7 months. There I was, being a nice guy again.
I had a couple of other relationships before I met the BPD, but they clearly weren't going to be the end-all either. I was going through the divorce and not emotionally ready for it. Then I met her.
Second, my career was all over the place. I had veered off of the writing path and had gone into Project Management, probably because that's what my father did. While I liked parts of project management, particularly working with others to make things happen, I didn't love it. It suited me okay, but I'm the kind of person that can do most everything.
I was offered the job heading the fishing company, but the company wasn't going anywhere and I was dealing with HUGE issues with the girlfriend. She drank too much, was too emotionally needy and too controlling (uh oh, sounds like a pattern here), and I wanted out. The Fisherman offered me the job in Delaware, and I jumped at it.
Delaware was such a wonderful experience for me. I proved to myself that I could be on my own and thrive, not survive, but thrive. I love that place and I cherish the memories that I have from there. Managing Editor of a fishing magazine, fishing regularly, going out when I wanted, learning to play guitar, speaking at fishing meetings and conventions...what else would a guy want?
The only problem is that my kids were 3 hours away from me. In the end, I couldn't live so far away from them. It was too hard for both of us. We're too close and I never wanted to be that kind of father. So I had to come back, and I began looking to get a job up north and find a girlfriend up north.
Then I met her. We started dating and the sparks were there, I filled her emotional holes, and she gave me what she thought I need. Things were wonderful. When I was planning to move, she asked me to move in when I moved north, 3 short months after our first date. I thought that it would work because I'd be over her place all the time anyway, so I said yes.
The first position I had when I was up here was okay. It was a Marketing Manager position, a job where I did quite a bit of writing and developed web marketing programs as well. I probably spent half my day dealing with Karen and her issues then recovering emotionally from dealing with her issues, and my work was mediocre. After one year, it was time to go, and I found a company where I could be a web marketing manager.
This is where the Perfect Storm kicked in. I was essentially learning new skills in web marketing, not devoting enough time to it, having a girlfriend that was so far up my ass that she took me to lunch every day, and then getting my kids on 2 nights a week and weekends. I was completely controlled by her fears, and I complied and tried to make them better. The job suffered, and I feel bad about that. That will never happen again. I feel bad about that.
I was a superstar when I was a web marketing manager at this company. They discovered that in addition to my web marketing and management skills, I was a great writer. They loved me and I loved the job and the people that I worked with. Unfortunately, the company was acquired and times were changing quickly. My boss left after I was there for 4 months, and most management had been fired or was on their way out. My co-workers ALL left as well. So I had to go after 6 months.
I actually was hired by an ex-patriot of that company who brought me into a Product Management position. At first, I had too much responsibility, and given everything with the BPD, I just couldn't do it. In time, they scaled back my responsibilities to heading the content development team.
I've realized that my passion remains in writing and that I express myself through this writing (think so? Look at how many posts I've written about this). I finally have realized that my passion falls in writing. I've always done it as Editor and all the fishing columns that I've held through the years, but I finally realized that this is my passion. This is what I will do in the future until my passions change. But this is my passion.
It's nice to feel like this finally. Do something that you love, become the person that you always wanted to be, be the father that you always wanted to be.
This is why I'm done with counseling. I've done the work, and I completed it. As a result, I can make the above statements. I do something that I'm passionate about, I've become the person that I've always wanted to be, and I'm the father that I always wanted to be. I'm content.
The only thing that is missing is being the husband that I always wanted to be. I've realized that this will happen in time, and I'm no longer rushing to find it. The law of attraction is in my favor, and as long as I continue to emanate my positive, uplifting energy, it will come back to me, tenfold.
So, I can now say, I'm content.
What a good feeling.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Angel
I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home
She can make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You've got to be careful when you've got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying
You're so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you could change all of mine
We share the same soul
--Jack Johnson
Friday, April 4, 2008
What A Difference
What a difference four months makes. I was reading my journal entries from four months ago. I was so scared, so hurt, so afraid, so insecure.
I think the medication had a huge impact on me and depressed me. I think it was a major reason for the way I felt, because even a month ago, I felt so sad. To suddenly have the medication regulated and to feel so different is amazing, in a few short weeks.
I just can't believe that was me. That was never me. I never act like that. Ever.
Amazing.
The world's back to good. It continues to be an amazing place, and it's about to get even more amazing. I have such great opportunities ahead of me.
I'm still clearing out the Oz Garbage from my head, but it's no where near as bad as it was. I'm actually tired of talking about it and I'm even more tired of thinking about it. Healing is a process, but you have to do the work to get it out.
I've done that work, and then some. Now just give it time. Be patient, boy.
Actually, it's now be patient with yourself. The scared boy has been put to bed for good.
Look back fondly on youth, but being an adult is much more stable and secure.
"And the riders will not stop us
Cuz the only love they'll find is paradise...
Future love paradise"
-- Seal
I think the medication had a huge impact on me and depressed me. I think it was a major reason for the way I felt, because even a month ago, I felt so sad. To suddenly have the medication regulated and to feel so different is amazing, in a few short weeks.
I just can't believe that was me. That was never me. I never act like that. Ever.
Amazing.
The world's back to good. It continues to be an amazing place, and it's about to get even more amazing. I have such great opportunities ahead of me.
I'm still clearing out the Oz Garbage from my head, but it's no where near as bad as it was. I'm actually tired of talking about it and I'm even more tired of thinking about it. Healing is a process, but you have to do the work to get it out.
I've done that work, and then some. Now just give it time. Be patient, boy.
Actually, it's now be patient with yourself. The scared boy has been put to bed for good.
Look back fondly on youth, but being an adult is much more stable and secure.
"And the riders will not stop us
Cuz the only love they'll find is paradise...
Future love paradise"
-- Seal
Thursday, April 3, 2008
What You Thought You Need
What You Thought You Need
I can't give you everything you want
But I could give you what you thought you need.
A map to keep beneath your seat, you've been to me in time I'll get you there.
I fold it up so we don't find our way back soon, nobody knows we're here.
We can park the van and walk to town
Find the cheapest bottle of wine that we could find
And talk about the road behind how getting lost is not a waste of time.
The water moor will take us home in the moment we will sing as the forest sleeps.
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you
Well it's all .. for the sake of arriving with you
Well, I will make the table into a bed
The candle is burning down its time to rest.
I can't take back things already gone, but I could give you promises for keeps.
And I would only take them back if they become your own and you give them to me .
And it's all for the sake of arriving with you.
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you.
We could make this into anything
We could make this into more than words we speak.
This could make us into anything
It could make us grow and become what we'll be.
Mmmmmm...
How and we really know
It's just like it feels.
-- Jack Johnson
....days are getting brighter and brighter...
I can't give you everything you want
But I could give you what you thought you need.
A map to keep beneath your seat, you've been to me in time I'll get you there.
I fold it up so we don't find our way back soon, nobody knows we're here.
We can park the van and walk to town
Find the cheapest bottle of wine that we could find
And talk about the road behind how getting lost is not a waste of time.
The water moor will take us home in the moment we will sing as the forest sleeps.
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you
Well it's all .. for the sake of arriving with you
Well, I will make the table into a bed
The candle is burning down its time to rest.
I can't take back things already gone, but I could give you promises for keeps.
And I would only take them back if they become your own and you give them to me .
And it's all for the sake of arriving with you.
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you.
We could make this into anything
We could make this into more than words we speak.
This could make us into anything
It could make us grow and become what we'll be.
Mmmmmm...
How and we really know
It's just like it feels.
-- Jack Johnson
....days are getting brighter and brighter...
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The New Rules
I'm creating a new set of rules for my life -- rules that apply to me, my ambitions and how I want to live my life. I live in a world of abundance, a world where small-mindedness is not acceptable, one is accepting of one's self and others around them. Those that are judgemental are not those that I want to associate with.
Anyway, here's a new set of rules that I'm developing for me. I've found these in a number of places, and I'll add to them in the future:
- I put myself first
- I won't settle. Every time I settle, I get exactly what I settled for
- If it frightens me, I'll go for it
- No matter what I do, I'm going to do it 100 percent
- I am the only person on this planet responsible for my needs, wants and happiness
- I will ask for what I want
- If what I'm doing isn't working, I'll try something different
- No excuses
- I am an adult and old enough to make my own rules. I have my own rules and no one can take them from me
- I will not let anyone treat me badly. No one. Ever.
- I will remove myself from a bad situation instead of waiting for a situation to change
- I will NOT tolerate the intolerable -- ever
- I will always live with integrity
- I will decide what feels right to me, then I'll do it
- Life is about fun. If I'm not having fun, something is wrong
- I give myself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences
- I will be good to myself
- I think abundance
- Do it now
- I'm willing to let go of what I have so I can get what I want
- I'm letting life happen
Things are changing -- about to change quickly. It's coming together.
-
Anyway, here's a new set of rules that I'm developing for me. I've found these in a number of places, and I'll add to them in the future:
- I put myself first
- I won't settle. Every time I settle, I get exactly what I settled for
- If it frightens me, I'll go for it
- No matter what I do, I'm going to do it 100 percent
- I am the only person on this planet responsible for my needs, wants and happiness
- I will ask for what I want
- If what I'm doing isn't working, I'll try something different
- No excuses
- I am an adult and old enough to make my own rules. I have my own rules and no one can take them from me
- I will not let anyone treat me badly. No one. Ever.
- I will remove myself from a bad situation instead of waiting for a situation to change
- I will NOT tolerate the intolerable -- ever
- I will always live with integrity
- I will decide what feels right to me, then I'll do it
- Life is about fun. If I'm not having fun, something is wrong
- I give myself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences
- I will be good to myself
- I think abundance
- Do it now
- I'm willing to let go of what I have so I can get what I want
- I'm letting life happen
Things are changing -- about to change quickly. It's coming together.
-
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter Memories
Easter was a good memory with her and the kids. Two years ago, she met my family for the first time -- they loved her and the girls profusely. Last year, we went to my parents with the girl after celebrating Easter at her house. I think that was right before her house flooded and she kicked me out the second time for no reason -- more abuse, and every silver lining has a touch of gray.
Anyway, it's been a tough few days -- I'm not sure why but I guess the detachment is once again taking place and the emotional wounds of that are again beginning to surface. I guess you don't only grow addicted to the highs, you grow used to the lows as well. You go from a thousand miles an hour with a BPD to no interaction; it's a bit of a shock.
They say that you have to disengage for one full year for recovery to occur. I'm getting there...
It was nice getting up with the girls and having them look for eggs that were filled with candy and coins, I believe. We had to watch the dog so she didn't get them -- think the hound was in the laundry room.
It' s just crazy, that I can look back and have such fond memories, and she's so totally out of her mind that she thinks that she was the victim of some monster. Too much. Insane.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Happy Easter. I'm back in the healing process and about to blow the doors off this joint, I can feel it.
Look out world, Den is back.
Anyway, it's been a tough few days -- I'm not sure why but I guess the detachment is once again taking place and the emotional wounds of that are again beginning to surface. I guess you don't only grow addicted to the highs, you grow used to the lows as well. You go from a thousand miles an hour with a BPD to no interaction; it's a bit of a shock.
They say that you have to disengage for one full year for recovery to occur. I'm getting there...
It was nice getting up with the girls and having them look for eggs that were filled with candy and coins, I believe. We had to watch the dog so she didn't get them -- think the hound was in the laundry room.
It' s just crazy, that I can look back and have such fond memories, and she's so totally out of her mind that she thinks that she was the victim of some monster. Too much. Insane.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Happy Easter. I'm back in the healing process and about to blow the doors off this joint, I can feel it.
Look out world, Den is back.
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