When we first saw Valerie, I let the BPD talk and explain what she saw. There were parts of me that thought I can't believe that anyone could ever think like this, but there were other parts that began to doubt myself. Am I really dissociating and doing these things to her? Is this really what's happening?
No.
After the first session, we both agreed that I would come back individually for further evaluation. In addition, the BPD would go back individually to Valerie, as there were many issues that Valerie uncovered about the BPD that required more investigation and evaluation.
Things were starting to get verrrrrrry interesting.
Valerie spent time with both of us; after the first session, she told me that she didn't think that I was dissociating at all, but I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-assuredness. That's what BPDs do to you, though; they erode your self-confidence and self-worth.
The BPD spent multiple sessions with Valerie. I spent quite a bit of time with her as well, and I discovered quite a bit about myself. My time with Val actually escallated as the relationship was ending at the end of 2007 and in early 2008. Valerie eventually told me that it was time to go as I had reached a state of contentment.
The BPD spent quite a bit of time with Valerie as the relationship was ending. She and Valerie would regularly have 2 or 2-1/2 hour counseling sessions, which absolutely amazed me.
She sent her to a spiritualist as well, which when I looked back, I always questioned. Today, however, I realize that she sent the BPD to a spiritualist so the BPD could try to feel better in any way possible, including prayer.
Unfortunately, nothing could help the BPD.
Valerie and I first were together in April 2007, as she helped me through the second time that I was kicked out. She then helped me through my issues with the BPD and helped me give her real boundaries.
Of course, she also assured me that I did not have DID and was not dissociating. I can't believe that I needed her to tell me this.
While I was seeing her, the BPD was seeing her also, so she was feeding both of us.
In the end, Valerie told me what was most critical. She told me that I have to set a timeline for change. She told me that I had to give the BPD a certain amount of time to change, and if she didn't, that I had to make change.
I did just that.
On my Birthday, the BPD accused me of going out on a date for lunch, then when we were out to dinner, she accused me of getting a text message when she heard a phone beep. On the ride home, I gave her the timeline.
"You have four weeks to get your shit together, or this is going to be over," I told her. "I've tried all that I can with you, and nothing works; you don't change, you just get worse."
I told her this, which took more courage than I was ever able to muster up.
After four weeks, the trouble continued. Of course. A BPD can't control it.
So I told her it was time, and I made plans to move out. We went back and forth, and I was going to stay, then she kicked me out again and I stayed with my parents for a third time, then I went back to her.
I remember when I was first making plans to move out, we talked about speaking your heart. I told her "you always have to speak your heart. Tell how you feel, and don't hide it."
Later that day, she told me, "I don't want you to go." I proceeded to tell her that I appreciated that, but I had to protect myself and my family -- by that time, I stopped taking my children around the BPD and her children as the situation had gotten too unstable. To this day, I miss her kids and still think about them.
She later used that against me, saying that I asked her to open up, then crushed her. I was never trying to do this, but sometimes, we all get hurt. BPDs do what they can to protect themselves.
After the BPD and I started to split, we both continued to go to Valerie, seperately, and sometimes together.
Unfortunately, nothing could help the BPD.
Valerie and I first were together in April 2007, as she helped me through the second time that I was kicked out. She then helped me through my issues with the BPD and helped me give her real boundaries.
Of course, she also assured me that I did not have DID and was not dissociating. I can't believe that I needed her to tell me this.
While I was seeing her, the BPD was seeing her also, so she was feeding both of us.
In the end, Valerie told me what was most critical. She told me that I have to set a timeline for change. She told me that I had to give the BPD a certain amount of time to change, and if she didn't, that I had to make change.
I did just that.
On my Birthday, the BPD accused me of going out on a date for lunch, then when we were out to dinner, she accused me of getting a text message when she heard a phone beep. On the ride home, I gave her the timeline.
"You have four weeks to get your shit together, or this is going to be over," I told her. "I've tried all that I can with you, and nothing works; you don't change, you just get worse."
I told her this, which took more courage than I was ever able to muster up.
After four weeks, the trouble continued. Of course. A BPD can't control it.
So I told her it was time, and I made plans to move out. We went back and forth, and I was going to stay, then she kicked me out again and I stayed with my parents for a third time, then I went back to her.
I remember when I was first making plans to move out, we talked about speaking your heart. I told her "you always have to speak your heart. Tell how you feel, and don't hide it."
Later that day, she told me, "I don't want you to go." I proceeded to tell her that I appreciated that, but I had to protect myself and my family -- by that time, I stopped taking my children around the BPD and her children as the situation had gotten too unstable. To this day, I miss her kids and still think about them.
She later used that against me, saying that I asked her to open up, then crushed her. I was never trying to do this, but sometimes, we all get hurt. BPDs do what they can to protect themselves.
After the BPD and I started to split, we both continued to go to Valerie, seperately, and sometimes together.
Once we were in seperate residences, I admitted that I thought that she had Borderline Personality Disorder.
Her response? "I don't have BPD, you do." She then embarked on a mission to prove that I was borderline, pulling information from the DSM and everything. She spoke with Valerie about it as well and tried to pin it down on me.
The last time that she saw Valerie was with me two days after Thanksgiving in 2007. We had a three hour session with Valerie where everything came to a head and most things were settled.
In an upcoming post, I'll detail that three hour session, what happened, and how we finished seeing Valerie.
I still have to remind myself that the BPD did the best that she could. In her mind and from her perception, I was the bad guy that did all these terrible things to her. The reality is that I never did those things to her, but her perception won't allow her to understand that. It's a shame, but it's her reality -- her own prison, so to speak. In the end, you need to feel bad for the BPD.
So, look for the story about the final joint session with Valerie real soon. Stay tuned.
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