BPD Relationship Recovery: Does it ever conclude?

    It's been so many years since my relationship with the borderline ended -- over 10 years at this point. Over the years, the BPD continues to be involved in my life in many ways, which I will discuss later in this post. You can recover from a relationship with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but the person, or those suffering from mental illness, may not ever be completely out of your life.

    There were reasons why you let the person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder come into your life. It may have been the place in life where you were when you met the person. It may be your upbringing, and maybe you were brought up, and therefore quite accepting, with a person who had characteristics that were similar or the same as those suffering from borderline personality disorder. It could possibly be that you were predisposed to join a relationship with someone suffering from BPD because of so many other reasons; most likely a combination of factors as well.

    Over the years since I have been in the relationship with the person who most likely had borderline personality disorder, many things have happened where the borderline was pulled back into my life. She called the police on me and accused me of doing various things. This included sending SPAM emails to her and breaking into her computer, as well as slashing the tires on her vehicle and breaking into her vehicle and slashing the leather on her seat. After speaking with the police and requesting that the police ensure that these accusations never occur again, any accusations stopped.

    The borderline continues to inject herself into life in various ways. My wife and stepdaughter saw her at a restaurant as the borderline sat almost next to them a couple of years ago. I was traveling and received a picture of the borderline, asking if this was her. Yep, it sure was. She had aged significantly (I have aged too, however, borderlines often look quite jagged as their stresses age them), appeared to have had some type of plastic surgery like botox or something, and continued to have anxiety, based on the conversation that my wife could hear her talking to her friend about. I now think about what I accepted and what I would let the borderline say about me, and I'm amazed. The person that I am now would never let anyone ever accuse me of doing the things that she accused me; I am a man of integrity and would never even think, let alone act, the way that she accused me.

    

Does BPD Relationship Recovery Conclude?

    You can recover from a relationship with a borderline and feel whole again. I personally feel like I live a blessed life, and I am amazed at what an amazing life I'm living. I appreciate my current relationship, my career, my personal and professional relationships, and so much of my life. The relationship with the borderline is part of me, made me into the person that I am today, and will continue to be part of me. I still look back, fondly on the good parts, and as a reminder of what I would never accept again for the bad ones. They were so acute that they stand out and are almost comical, but they still serve as a reminder. 

The Goodbye Letter

We've all been there -- heartbroken from the termination of a relationship. Of course, the heartbreak felt from the termination of a BPD relationship is just a little more -- maybe a lot more -- traumatic. Combine this with all the other life events occuring -- changing jobs, moving, etc., and you've got a Perfect Storm.

So, we finally broke up in December, 2007. She stormed away, telling her that she'll never trust me, and I didn't follow her. I didn't really contact her. I read a number of books, namely one titled, Surviving the Loss of a Loved One/When Your Relationship Ends. Pretty basic, but good overall.

I was such an incredible sap when the relationship first was over. I cried all the time, was so lost...it was pathetic. Looking back, I can't believe it, but when you're so broken, you're broken. No excuses.

Anyway, the book recommended that I write a goodbye letter, recapping the good aspects of the relationship as well as the bad ones. They tell you that you don't have to necessarily give it to the person, but it's more a form of self-medication.

As I think you can see, I'm a writer. A professional writer also. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm sad. I just...write all the time. It's how I express myself.

Of course I would write a letter. So I sat down, pulled out a pen and paper, and wrote the letter. I wrote goodbye to all the good things -- the fun times, the good things about her. Then I wrote goodbye to all the bad things, including her misery. It was good -- real good. I felt good about the letter.

The purpose of the goodbye letter is to mourn the relationship and help you put the relationship away. I wrote it in January, and did all the work that I was supposed to -- read the books, went to counseling, etc. In March, I decided that I would "put the relationship to bed" -- so I went down to Delaware, the place where she and I spent lots of time and I created a "Commitment Document" (the topic of another discussion, later), took the "Anchored Together" keychain that she bought for me, and threw it into the bay -- far into the bay.

I was feeling better -- not really. I was mourning the relationship and just wanted it to be over. Ironically, as I was getting to the place where I was going to throw the chain into the Bay, the song Landslide began to play:

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down

So, I cried more and more and threw the keychain into the Bay. Ironically, I was beginning to feel better. I had a whole box of her stuff, and I was going to throw it out--the pictures, the goodbye letter, the everything. I was so whacked that I even got a Valentines Day card for her.

Instead, I threw out everything. Except the Valentines Day card and the goodbye letter. Those, I dropped in her mailbox.

That started the second interaction with her. Before, we had traded text messages a couple of times, but nothing was really exchanged. I call the first interaction a couple of emails that we traded where I wrote to her something like, "you're right I'm a big liar," then I make a bunch of ridiculous statements about how I'm such an incredible liar.

They finished with statements that while she and I were dating, I had married someone else and they were living in the side of the mountain, in the woods, where I kept them from anyone. She later told me that she had believed my statements. Ugh.

This second one was a real exchange. It started a day or two after I dropped the letter and card, and lasted for about a week. I thought we had a chance at getting back together -- for about a minute or so.

At first, the exchange was calm, with both of us writing about how much we missed the relationship. Eventually though, like any exchange with a BPD, they need to start breaking down your walls so they can force their misery on you. They start telling you how bad you are, and how you've hurt them,. which begins their first trap. By the end, it was ugly. She was being downright mean and beligerant. Sometimes, she went as far as telling me, "you're screwing with me," when, of course, I was only trying to treat her as good as possible.

It was real bad.

Her true colors came out once again.

In the middle of these exchanges, the kind side of her would come out. I remember her telling me to be sure that I turn my clock ahead for daylight savings then good night. It was wierd. It was totally borderline.

At the end, she told me that we were not meant to be together, and that she was moving on. Then, she sent me a nasty, delusional email about 30 minutes after this, calling me a character in one of my writings (a demented character). I never responded to her about that, to this day, which is nearly 1-1/2 years later.

That's how the Goodbye Letter ended. In misery.

Saint Patrick's Day to follow.

Going Down The Road, Feeling Bad

I was thinking about what it was that made me hold on, made me stay for so long. Why did I continue to put myself out there, put myself at risk and continue to work with her?

One major aspect was the fact that I felt so bad for her. Someone that would think such horrible things of me must have issues, and to view the world in such a way must be horrible. 

I remember telling her that I was such an optimistic person, and that the world was such a beautiful place, that I couldn't even fathom thinking the way that she did.

I felt bad for her. I wanted to show her how good I was, how I felt about her, the love I had for her. No matter what, she never believed. 

It's strange because I needed to have the relationship to sink to the levels that I needed for true growth. Without feeling broken, I would not have worked so hard -- and continued to work -- to fix myself and fix the issues that I have.

Broken. That's how you feel when you get out of a relationship like this. I remember when we first broke up, I felt so lost, so abandoned, I had no direction, no nothing. The world that I thought I was building with her was just a facade, and I don't think that she ever really believed that we would be together. She was going through the motions, emotionally unavailable because of her illness.

I remember, right before we split for good, her telling me about a conversation that she had with her father, where he said something like, "I guess we're going to be welcoming him [me] back into the family."

Guess not, Gary.

For those of you in the throws of a breakup in an unstable relationship, or even worse, a relationship with a BPD, I know that it's difficult. It does get better though. Much better in time. You have the opportunity to emerge out of the relationship a stronger person with amazing self confidence and self esteem.

Day By Day

The days seem to be getting better. They seem to be a little brighter every day.

There are a lot of things happening that are helping to contribute to me feeling better:
- Part of it is WTO,
- part of it is time.
- Part of it is the books.
- Part of it is the people in my life
- Part of it is the things that I'm doing to occupy my time and fill the holes in my life
- Part of it is church.

I'm starting to reprogram all of the bad memories that she put in my head. All the "you're bad" thoughts that she gave me. And I took it.

What kind of person tells another that you're bad? Only a maniac.

God, all of the things, from the beginning, are now starting to come together. I think she deceived me regularly:
- The nights where she didn't call me when she was supposed to and said that a woman gave her a ride home, I don't believe. In fact, she started a fight the next evening as well and wasn't available. Looking back, she probably met someone and went out, then called me the next day and apologized.

It's all coming together. She lied about everything in the relationship and tried to pin that on me.

You learn that BPDs always lie -- their entire life is based on other people, and they have no sense of self.

She also shows huge signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as she was never wrong for anything and in the end wouldn't take accountability for anything.

How frustrating, though -- I put up with that crap. I feel angry, upset and not happy about how I was treated. What a frigging monster.

The Chaos Continues

Yesterday, she calls a counselor that we both saw together and apart -- she tells them that she fears for her safety.

This is a silly game that she's playing. I really don't think that she knows the implications of the game. It's like a drama to her, and she's willing to get whatever players are necessary to punish me.

Now, she wants to punish me. The splitting occurred. I'm now a bad guy, I'm a sadist, I'm here to 'screw' with her.

My God, like I'd screw with anyone, particularly her.

I sent her some text messages on Saturday night telling her that she lied to me. That I discovered that she was convicted on charges of terroristic threats and other charges. That she never told me that her husband tried to strangle her and that he was the bad guy before he died.

I also told her how much I was still hurting, and I asked her how many more lives she would ruin before she would get help.

Think that's the one that made her react with the 'I'm scared for my safety.' Because I told her that she's being found out, Her lies have been found out, and she's now getting exposed.

She moved from one town because no one in the town talked to her because of her actions. Now I'm starting to see what she did in past parts of her life and the implications of her actions.

Anyway, I'm obviously pissed off, tired of being accused of trying to hurt her. How ridiculous. I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone someone I used to share a bed with every night.

I used to share a bed with this woman. Look at how she treats me. I cared for her dog, and I cared for her children. Now that's gratitude.

That's insanity I tell you. Downright insanity.

The last time she thought I was threatening her (and this is a new one -- this never happened in the past) was when I sent her a message that said, "I open my heart to you and you put the knife in." Like that is somehow a threat to you.

I had to send her a follow up email that indicated that this was said figuratively. My God when the BPD splits, you go from being a God in their mind to the Devil.

I'll never have this happen to me again. This is the most emotionally draining and emotionally painful experience that I've ever been in. My career and other parts of my personal life have essentially died as a result of the turmoil in this woman.

Now, I need to figure out why I took it for so long:
- Some parts of the relationship were amazing, especially in the beginning
- We moved in early, which shackled me. At times when I could have moved out (when she kicked me out), I found excuses to stay
- Finances have been very tight for me as I've gone through the divorce
- I truly believed in the relationship. I believed that she would realize how special the relationship was and would change

I sometimes think that she'll come around, but I've got to write her off. She's out for blood now with me and will do whatever she can to take me down. She'd love to find a way to have me arrested or whatever she can do. What a hostile, vindictive, ugly person at the core.

On the outside, she seems like such a beautiful, warm and loving woman.

What a shame.

Upward and onward.

Dulcinea's Apology

Dear Don Quixote,

I am writing this letter to apologize for my actions during this relationship and for treating you so unfairly. I know that you are a good, noble man who truly loved me with all of his heart. Given my past, this love is not enough for my needs.

In fact, no one's love, support and admiration will be enough for me in my current state. I am not aware of this yet, and if I am aware of this, I won't admit it to anyone else. Even you, Don Quixote.

I know that you always thought that our love was one where we shared all, but there is a part of me that I cannot share with anyone. Although you see a side of me that is beautiful, pure, and funny, there is a part of me that is empty. I try not to show it, but I know that it comes out sometimes.

This side is with me all of the time. There are times when I cannot control this side, and you feel its impacts full-force. I will yell and scream at you, call you names, not trust you and accuse you of things that you never would do. This is partially fears of myself as I act them out as you have done them.

When we were together, things were usually good. With you in my presence, I knew that all was good in the world. The majority of the problems occurred when we were apart. I would think that you were with other people, talking to other people, emailing or communicating with others in romantic ways. I then thought that you were communicating with me at certain times of the day to "get a rise out of me." It didn't matter what efforts you tried to make me feel comfortable, because I am not comfortable with myself, I cannot be comfortable with you. I sense the anger and shame inside myself, and this comes out in harrowing ways.

I am not sure when I began thinking like this and acting like this. While there were signs of these things being present in my life, they probably became most acute after my husband died of a car accident. To be abandoned like this made me feel that no one would ever stay with me and accept me unconditionally, although I have not realized this. I therefore had to reject your love for me in as many ways as possible, although I want it so dearly. Because of how I feel about myself, I can never let you fully into my life harmoniously.

Until I realize these things, which may take me years or may never happen, I will continue this empty feeling and having these tumultuous relationships. I know that you wished to be with me for life, but this is better for you, I am sorry to say. I am simply not ready for such a relationship, and you should be treated better.

I wanted to apologize to you for all of these things and more that I have done to you, and what you have endured:
- The constant accusations that you were cheating on me
- The constant ending of the relationship
- The fact that you continually wanted me to feel comfortable, but it was never enough for me
- The fact that you devoted your life to me and spent *no* time with your friends as a result of my fears
- The fact that you would not pay the appropriate attention to your children because you were putting your time into me and my needs
- The fact that my fears controlled you and your life
- The fact that my fears became your reality and what you had to defend yourself against
- Kicking you out of the house, multiple times, and changing the locks. This must have been humiliating. I should never do this to another human being
- Having the Private Investigator follow you when you travel on business. This must also have been humiliating
- The STD tests that I insisted that you take, despite the regular clear tests
- The lack of trust with anything you said or did

When I look at the list of ways that I treated you, Don Quixote, I am amazed that you stayed in the relationship for such a long time. I know this is because you truly believed in the relationship. You recognized the wrongs you had done and were truly sorry for them. When I brought issues to your attention, you would change them as necessary. I appreciate this. I am sorry to say that I was never able to change much despite the counseling.

When I went to counseling, Don Quixote, I was trying to fix you. I now realize that I cannot fix you, and that I can only work on myself. I'm not sure if I am ready to fix myself; it may take another couple of failed relationships, more self pity, possible violent relationships to realize what I have to do. As I said before, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix myself as my wounds are so deep and I am not ready to admit them.

I wish that I could say that I will always love you, Don Quixote, but I do not think like that. You are either good or evil. While I used to always love you, I now hate you. You are evil and this is how I must think of you to get you out of my life. I am sorry, but this is how I think. I know that you do not understand it.

I will have another relationship, probably in two weeks to a month's time. I need this relationship so I can have an identity again, and this will help provide this. I'll chameleon to the person's likings and be back in love again. I'll probably push them away beginning in one month's time, then harder if we get closer, just like I did to you. I'll put some drama into the relationship whenever I can, because if you play along with the drama, this proves that you are still dedicated to me regardless of how much I abuse you.

Despite the things that I'm about to do, I am truly sorry. I know that you will always love me, as you are a good and honorable man. I wish that you felt better right now, as the pain and confusion that I caused you must be unbearable.

I am sorry that I broke your heart.

Cheers,

Dulcinea