How do you tell someone that they have BPD?
Can you really do this?
Maybe. Definitely maybe.
Shifting Responsibility
The problem is that when you tell someone that actually has BPD that they have Borderline Personality Disorder, they will shift the responsibility to you. "I don't have it, you do," will most likely be their response.
I've written about this numerous times before. I went from being a good person to a cheater, a narcissist, a liar, an abuser, someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, a borderline...the list goes on.
A true borderline is the master of manipulation. They will take the most confident person and slowly erode their confidence through a carefully planned mixture of adoration and devaluation. Before you know it, you will actually feel like you could be borderline.
Get Professional Help
You could try to get the help of a professional counselor. I tried this, but found that psychologists won't usually actually diagnose someone with BPD. In the eyes of many psychologists, borderlines cannot be treated. Just like their partners, borderlines eventually try to manipulate their psychologists, so they are usually dismissed. They need to blame, and anyone that they are close with will receive that blame.
It's tough. If someone actually said that they were borderline or had a number of borderline behaviors, then they could get into dialectical behavior treatment. This, combined with an effective mix of anti-psychotic drugs, can actually help borderlines.
Getting borderlines into this type of therapy is rare, and quite difficult. If you can do it, there is a chance.
Make a Choice
As a Non in a serious relationship with a borderline, you must make a choice whether you want to stay in a relationship with a borderline. You know how the relationship will be -- constant ups and downs and little harmony.
If you think that you like or need the relationship this much, then stay in the relationship, but create boundaries to keep yourself from getting too hurt by the borderline. Also, join a group to help break the chains of codependency, as most Non's suffer from this quite a bit.
If you have told the borderline in your life that you think that they have Borderline Personality Disorder and you want change, make sure that they make the change and not shift the responsibility to you. The BPD in my life told me that she was the victim of me and that she kicked me out of her house when the situation was the opposite. I remember having to tell her that I had to leave but wanted the relationship to continue, provided she got help. The cycles of rage increased tenfold after we lived apart, and eventually, I stopped chasing her into her pit of rage, anger and emptiness.
You Can Tell Someone That They Have BPD
By all means, you can tell someone that you suspect that they are a borderline. Chances are, they will deflect and shift responsibility back on you. Just be prepared for the repercussions. You may want to do this in a professional's office, because with such a specific accusation, the professional will be forced to do something. I recommend finding someone who specializes specifically in Borderline Personality Disorder so you may have a chance at bringing closure.
Remember that borderlines are great at fight or flight, so be prepared for them to fight this issue, or completely avoid the issue. They could also flee from the relationship if they feel that threatened, so be prepared.
Monday, January 4, 2010
47 comments:
Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.
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I discovered bpd shortly after my relationship ended in doing research on his bizarre behavior. So I did not confront him on the possibility of him having it. However, he sure made me feel and told me I was the crazy one without me even saying I thought he may have bpd.
ReplyDeleteHe would be the one to create chaos then somehow manipulate it to say it was me. I felt like I was going crazy and that is what had me research his character traits he was showing me. It fit bpd to the T.
He was a master at mind games, I thought he was maybe a sociopath but bpd fits like a glove. I went to a therapist after the relationship ended and I got a clean bill of health from her. People with bpd can seriously hurt your mental state if you don't have up good boundaries, which I did not. I did not know of bpd at the time, I just thought I was going crazy from his accusations and behavior because he kept telling me I was. You're right, they will tell you it's YOU. I was told that and I didn't even talk to him about his possible issue. I didn't even know of boundaries per se, I had not "had" to use them in other relationships. So I went into the dark hole with him for awhile and started to question reality. Don't let it happen to you! Have good boundaries and get help.
My ex BPD ( was not diagnosed as such but since reading etc i have decided he must be this )he once told me after torturing me for 3 yrs that he had abandoment issues i think the only reason he disclosed this was because i think he knew that i was going to totally end it once and for all !
ReplyDeleteWhy wait to tell me this after 3 years off the hell he bestowed on me ! how nice off him to come out with that one after 3yrs !! he then went on to scream at me that i couldnt care less about his illness ( bearing in mind this illness was just disclosed to me 2 days earlier )he made me feel extremly guilty that he had this abandoment issue but i guess now that this was his plan to make me feel sorry for him and suck me right back in again !
I understand fully what you are saying author in reg to turning into one myself , i was never that crazy before i met him & now i am out off it and got my old self back to 'nearly' the person i was its now clear that he was the one with the issues
isnt it amazing how they manage to have us Question ourselfs ? they are very good at what they do
It's amazing how real all this feels. I've been a month and a year out of a relationship with an undiagnosed BPD man. I still have my troubles and reading this has really helped me to remember why I left. I have a tendency to remember the good in someone and forget the bad. This is purely self preservation but not good for me when I feel like going back to him. Thank you for writing this and I have borrowed all the books you suggested from the library and look forward to reading them. I too agree with the comment about keeping the relationship stable became my ultimate goal. That is a great summary of how someone feels being in a relationship with BPD. I am in an extremely healthy relationship now and try to focus only on that but have my moments when my ex tries to contact me and reconcile. Again, thank you for your blog.
ReplyDeletemy boyfriend has it and i stood by him made him realise he had it then got him help. now that hes getting better it feels as if he doesnt even like me he doesnt want to spend no time with me and it feels like hes only with me because i stood by him when he was crazy and because of all the pain and trauma he put me through. does any one no whats going on hes completly changed
ReplyDeleteI have bpd. It could be that he is avoiding being close to you because being close to someone causes so much pain. Not loving someone too deeply keeps us from being triggered and eases the bpd (atleast for me). If I were you Id stick by him as a friend, but you can talk to him about how he feels and decide if you still want a relationship with him.
DeleteI was with a woman for 5 years that has been diagnosed with BiPolar II and Clinical Depression. However, my experience with her brought me to BPD. I have no doubt she's actually a Borderline.
ReplyDeleteI experienced rages for the most minimum things, (even the way I coughed or sneezed irritated her). She would be upset for seeing dirty dishes but not realize I had spent hours cooking a nice romantic meal for her. She once had a big party at her house (which she didn't invite me to) and she rationalized that as we both needed to do things apart and have separate activities. I agree but when you are throwing a party at YOUR house and have food, drinks, and appetizers as the significant other...It didn't feel good to be at home crying and thinking "I" was clingy for expecting to be invited (we were together for 3 years at that point). I was blamed for anything and everything. Whatever I did, I needed to "do mroe." I wasn't an "equal partner" in her eyes but then realized it was SHE who wasn't equal. She projected all her disorder and negative feelnigs unto me. I became increasingly depressed, suicidal, and became addicted to food and sleeping pills. All along I was brainwashed that if I only DID more and LOVED her more and pass all of her tests of "love" that I would see the person that I met....which I never saw again except for glimpses here and there. I am currently in therapy and attending CODA 12 step program for my healing. I told her to disappear and to never contact me again.
Well, this is my first post here and after reading this blog and a lot of other info, I've just told my GF (late 30s) that I think she may have BPD.
ReplyDeleteWe had been not long reconciled from the longest so far of our frequent splits and although I could spot the first signs of her turning away from me again, I chose a fairly good moment to tell her last weekend and she seemed very interested and discussed it well for a time, before suddenly turning and suggesting it was my problem, complete rubbish, quite natural for her because she really didn't mean all the loving things she said/did and that it was just an attempt to make a fake illness out of the general trials of life.
After stepping back for a few days, she invited me to dinner last night and we talked again, with her going on about how I might have BPD, how I was only wanting her to have BPD so I could excuse it not working between us and then she dropped the bombshell about the new guy she's just met, who turns her on instantly (wheras I only make her "incredibly horny," which is somehow wrong? )and how she now wants to date him but how she "loves me" and still wants me as a major part of her life, for day to day stuff, holidays, "our mad weekends" etc - guess what, he works a lot and spends every weekend with his ex-family miles away.
Dear all,
ReplyDeleteLet me give you an insight into the mind of a bpd. I am an undiagnosed bpd and have been for many years. I am now 21 but ever since I was little I have always known that there was something wrong with me. I am undiagnosed because I have always refused to fit any social criteria burdened on my by any psychiatrist. Only an individual with bpd can really know if they fulfill the criteria because we are very good at making you believe what we want you to believe. For those of you on the outside, you can identify a bpd by the very essence of their character. At this point you're probably a little lost but here is what I mean. Speak to atleast four people who know the bdp and you will find that there is always one single underlying metaphor in every description of the bpd. Every single person will describe a perfect, straight forward and understanding person but nonetheless you will find yourself thinking that those four descriptions are of four totally different people. The is because bpds are empahetic, too empathetic. We use this ability to mold ourselves into becoming anyone we chose to be. We are the perfect partners on first encounter because we can read humans as individuals very well, sense what kind of person they are and the characteristics they need and present that person to them. Thus you'll always find that the bpd mirrors your likes and dislikes and adopts all the qualities you're looking for in the perfect person. We are very manipulative individuals and this is something we take pride in. We love playing games and we always succeed because we are very anticipatory. We know how a conversation is going to take place because we formulate it in our minds before hand. (eg. We will say something in a way where your reply will be from a very limited selection, thus we can anticipate all the replies and prepare answers which will eventually lead to the conclusion we want). You can never have the upperhand on a bpd unless we allow you that position but this will only be because it benefits us in some way. Usually this is in aid of putting you at ease blinding you to the lethal strike we have already prepared to unleash on you whenever we chose to. We are very intelligent individuals who know how the human mind works. This is what we use to our advantage. You'll always find that a bpd is never shy, builds rapport easily (you'll feel like you've known them for years after only a few days), has a lethal tongue which they use very easily to inflict hurt. A bpd always opts for emotional than physical pain because we know which one of the two is more effective in creating hurt. What everyone above needs to understand is that we don't chose to be the way we are. We are nothing like sociopaths because we can and do love. The greatest love is love from a bpd because when we love we love fiercely. The only downfall is that our love is short lived. You are the only person that matters to us when we idealize you but this idealization will turn to devaluation in an instant. Its in the devaluation process that the manipulation, mind games, abuse and intentional hurt begins to manifest. When we meet someone, we genuinely like that person, genuinely fall in love and genuinely want to be with that person. When that individual is not able to live up to the ideal expectations we place on them we begin to find ourselves bored. This boredom leads to irritability, then a total lack of care and understanding and eventually sheer hatred. I am going to end here because I feel really exposed at this precise moment. The only reason why I have allowed an insight into my mind is because I came across this site at a precise time when I felt empathetic. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask and if I am able to I will gladly give my assistance.
Many thanks,
A Rose Covered In Thorns.
After a lovely day he walked away without a word or trace.
DeleteHe hid his demons well.
The pain is unbearable at times.
Thanks so much for your posting. My ex-girlfriend (short lived) I believe had BPD. I am just figuring this all out now and deciding whether or not to tell her about it. She knows there is something not right with her but she says she doesn't want help and doesn't want to heal.
DeleteIf someone you loved you and told you they thought you had BPD - how would you respond?
Should I tell her. We have mutual friends and so will see each other eventually. I told her I can't talk to her though as it is too hard to deal with her.
Well this is for a rose covered in thorns. I know you, I know who you are.
DeleteI will not divulge whom you are for I am loyal and sinsear.
I am impressed that I have found you here, but not surprised. You did give me hints and some of them I recognize in you long statement and accurate description.
Who am I? Love is! Love is a choice, love is anonymous, love was.
Anonymous.
i just broke up wiv my girlfriend of 14 months and i think she has BPD but want to ask people. anyway we met on the net and she had a boyfriend who she said wasnt nice to her and was cheatin so she left him and wivin a week of meetin me had moved up her 200 miles to b wiv me. it started great she told me all her other boyfriends had cheated on her and beat her and robbed her ect.. i said i wud never do this anyway it was great for 1st couple of months trwatin me like a king and doin everytin for me this then changed and she started accusein me of cheatin started goping throguh ma fone and computer also txtin me all time wen she was at work or i was askin if i had heard from anyone spoke to anyone xtd anyone had any good mail ect.. she went through diff moods everyday 1 min happy next angry next sasd then bored then lonely, she awcccused me of cheatin which i may add never did and never would of to anyone she then made stories up that i had been seen in work talkin to a blond girl and huggin her wen ther wasnt any blond girls at work she accused me of lookin at other women of cheatin even wakin in the mornin sayin she had a dream i was doin this and that and wud b moody wiv me she told me she loveed me atleast 4 times a day and asked if i really loved her. i went out once aweek to my friends if i got back late it was wer u been u bin wiv ur girlfriend ect but never remembered wat she said in the morning.she said cahnge or im leavin i stoped goin online as she said i was talkin to women she stopped me talkin to any1 if i did shed get moody askl who it was wat they said ect..i had to spend everyday of every minute wiv her if not i didnt love her or was sein sum1 esle. if got too much for me so we broke up. then day later we spoke and she had a go at me then a week later and she gave me all thsi abuse wen i toold her she may hav a prob. i said u hav been wiv 6 guys in 6 years do u not htink mayb its not them its u she has already started talkin to another guy after a week. i asked her how can she hate me so much she said i made her hate me and that it wasnt her cause she has been to the docs and had brain scans needles everywer mri scan all thsi in a week now im not the brightest but its take a while to get into an mri scan and stuff anyway she turned all the balme on me sayin it was me that had the problem i made her paranoid about everytin and that it was all me. my friends say it sounds like she has bpd but thats wat im askin about she made me feel like i didnt work hard enoguh to make it work even tho i gave up everytin for her she said i made her misroble and i was a dead beat.has she gfot bpd o ris it all just me like she said it was if u need to no anytin else let me no as ive ran out of space but i do hav mur to say
ReplyDeleteTo: A Rose Covered In Thorns.
ReplyDeleteI speak your language. Has anyone written a book in it yet?
To the person who posted: A rose covered in thorns- I have a question for you.
ReplyDeleteWhen a BPD throws you out of their life by threatening you say with a restraining order do they ever come back or think about you, or feel guilty about what they did?
To the person who posted: A rose covered in thorns, I have many questions i would like to ask how do we reach you? And thank you for the wonderful insight you have and can provide.
ReplyDeleteTo G
ReplyDeleteI think it might be a bit hard letting a person with bpd reach to you. They are usually kind of afraid to open up themselves, because of a bit paranoid thoughts therefore feeling kind of belove others.
But I believe that if everyone got treated the same way no matter the "illness". There would be no illnesses or misunderstandings.
Just a thought tough :)
I was with an undiagnosed but almost certainly BPD woman in her mid 40's for over three years. We were friends for five years, but our feelings changed and we split up each of our marriages in torrid loving and magical relationship. Almost immediately, however, the "cycles" set in.
ReplyDeleteIn her "up cycles" she was an amazing lover in every sense of the word – heart, mind, body and soul offered to me willingly and completely. We did everything together enjoying every one of these moments, made love often and amazingly, and planned marriage and a life of bliss.
In her "down cycles" she was a different person (she even looked different). It would start with a week of mild conflict apparent in her and exhibited in criticalness, opposition, inflexibility and judgmental behavior. The same behaviors which yesterday were viewed as loving were viewed as clingy or negative. Then, either in an explosion over something inconsequential in my interaction with her or in one usually with her kids (12 and 15 year old girls) she would either explode or turn totally and darkly against me and everything we stood for together. I would be blamed for ruining her marriage (single-handedly), for the fact that her kids wanted to spend more time with their dad than with her, for putting on weight, for everything that was wrong in her life. Marriage talked about the previous day was an impossibility that day. I could be screamed at, I had a plate thrown at me, she would say the most horrible things ("I only made love with you last night because I was drunk", "You are too old for me", "I came back to you last time because of pity for you", "My kids look at you and say 'you gave up dad for this", etc. Several of these swings came at some bad times for me – a week before each of two cancer surgeries, during chemotherapy, etc.
The frequency of these cycles was generally about once every two months during which time we would be separated. In our three years we had about 20 of these cycles and split-ups. Generally, they lasted about a week or two, though our last one has been about a month (beginning a few days before Christmas!) – the cycles apparently are too much even for her and this relationship is now over.
She would usually explain her shift in emotions as the guilt she felt in splitting from her husband and impacting her children. I do not want to discount the guilt, but it was apparent over time that this explanation was an acceptable justification to reach for sympathy from others not the cause.
During this time I became her co-dependent, then her disciple, the early down cycles were met with hurt and dejection from me; over time I got angrier and would express myself in arguing back to her. Returns were generally though not always initiated by me.
My own addictive behavior made this so much worse (writing poems every day, presents and cards of affection, kissing at every stop light, etc.). I was truly addicted to the up cycle (who wouldn't be, right) – the closeness, the happiness, love-making were supernatural (and unreal). I got a vasectomy for her (I would not even do that for my former wife); I bought a house three blocks from her, 250 miles from my former home (an awkward few months until I can sell it). I would explain away the down cycles as 'not really her' and would wait for the 'good girlfriend' to return.
I need to accept that she is gone; better for me would be to feel that she was very bad for me and that I cannot handle a woman with problems like these. I should also recognize that she was not the first relationship of this type I have had in my life. I will struggle with these conflicting emotions for a long time.
Question: "When a bpd throws you out of their life ... do they ever come back ..."
ReplyDeleteMy answer: A bpd never fully allows anyone to leave their life unless they have thoroughly exhausted the use of that individual. I say this because bpds live by the moto of not burning bridges because we believe that everyone is somehow useful and as we can never know when we might need them we tend to leave our options open. You may be out of a bpd's mind for a while because it is occupied by their new interest but one day no matter how long they will always get back in touch with you. The bpd likes a dramatic re-entry into anyone's life. They may just turn up at your door or phone you out of the blue. Note that the bpd will act very callously, as if nothing had happened they will be insistent on just moving on and not wanting to live in the past. You may try to question their actions and their answer will always be " you caused it, you made me behave the way I did but i'm here now so lets just move on". With regards to guilt, we will never feel guilty about our actions because as far as we are concerned " it was your fault." We focus on what the other person has done to anger us therefore no matter what, our action was a product of your own doing. But remember my dear this will only happen when the bpd has nothing else to focus on, then and only then will bpd consider getting back in touch with anyone. Caution: if you allow the bpd back into your life you are only setting yourself up for hurt again because sooner rather than later you will become a sheer irritation to them and then you'll only find yourself in the same situation you once were.
Question: How can I be reached.
Answer: Generally speaking I can only be contacted via this sight because we are very secretive creatures and as secretive creatures it is very difficult for a bpd to give out personal information about themselves which is why a bpd will nearly always give you an alias when they first meet you. You'll also find that a bpd is very hesitant about letting you into their life but is more than willing to become a part of yours. If you have ever lived with a bpd you'll find that anything of theirs that can be locked will be locked anything that can be password protected will be password protected. bpds are so protective of themselves that this is often construed as fear of paranoia. I can assure that a bpd is the last person to feel fear because we are overtly confident. This is why we work so well under pressure.
A Rose covered in Thorns
This all making sense as I've been wracking my brain for months as to what has been going on...seriously. What a relief to finally know that it wasn't all me. I am totally able to accept responsibility for my own actions (which sound very eerily similar to the gentleman above who was typing in a Cockney accent), but I do beleive that I am living with a BDP man. Right now he is seeking treatment for crisis at an inpatient facility with the idea of going into OP therapy. I now know what I need to steer him to. I am so glad that I was prompted to look into his symptoms etc... I had kicked him out a week ago and now realize that abandoning him was the worse thing I could do. But I was already in the process of supporting him before realizing I needed to. I think I intend to try to help him. Whether that be because I'm codependent or whether it's because I'm the type of person who beleives in the love in all people. I chose to beleive that the love is real and the anger is false. Now if he choses not to seek help then that may be a different story. My bio children (2 girls, 17 and 12) will be at their real father's house for the next three weeks in hopes of getting him out of the IP crisis stabilization facility he is in, bringing him home, and getting him back on his feet. I am hoping for a family therapy session before they discharge him so I can bring this up in a formal manner to be addressed. I will begin to blog this experience throughout whatever happens day by day...that is if I can use the computer and not make him lose his stack because I might be doing something. I may even look into whether I could have it. I don't have the rage anymore, but when my kids were little anything could set me off. But I do have very strongs doubts of everyone, I'm very cynical and yet call it being cautious. I do have a licensed counselor who I see and my husband and I went to her for premarital counseling. She knows what has been going on. So put me in the column for "supporter" at least until my little heart can take no more. But I'll tell you something else about my heart, it doesnt give up on people.
ReplyDeletethis is a question for a rose covered with thorns. i am a mother of a bpd. one day im the best mother in life, then out of the blue, i am blamed for everything. she disappears out of my life & then as you said pops back at some point. how do you deal with this abuse if it is your daughter?
ReplyDeleteplease tell us more to a rose covered in thorns.
ReplyDeleteTo A Rose Covered in Thorns:
ReplyDeleteI believe my mom has undiagnosed BPD. I was raised to comfort and support whichever side of my mom was present. I am now an adult, newly married with a disease that requires stability and minimal stress. I can no longer ride this roller coaster and for the first time, I have stood up for myself and tried to establish new, stronger boundaries. I understand that it is very difficult to change boundaries on a person with BPD. As she is my mother, I have tried to work within her limitations - but I cannot continue to put myself under this stress, for my new family and my own health. Where do I go from here? I do not want to cut her out of my life, but if this cannot be minimalized, I cannot afford to have her around. I want to ask her to see a psychiatrist with me. Even if she ends up hating me or thinking I have betrayed her, I feel that is my only option. Any thoughts?
*Feeling Hopeless*
I am just 2 weeks out of a 9 month relationship with an undiagnosed bpd and when i look in the mirror at myself the results are terrifying.It reminds me of golum in lord of the rings(i was golum and her the ring)she suckd all that i had out of me.I didnt know she had this disorder untill i started putting the pieces together a few days after we had split up ,she has every trait of a bpd apart from self harming. everything was amazing at the start i was elevated to god like status, sex was out of this world and she held onto my everyword but i now realise that this was just her way of seducing me and to ultimitly dominate and control me.I am lucky to have gottin out so early and my heart goes out to anyone who has been in a relationship like this for years,it is a toxic and devastating relationship.The only thing that is helping me recover at the min is by finding out how people develop this disorder and how destroyed they are inside,If you can find a way to forgive them(not forgett)in a way you forgive yourself for becoming a victom of thier parasitic behaviuor..remember no one wuold wish to have this illness as ultimitly they will end up bringing about thier most terrifying fear and that is that they almost certainly will end up alone
ReplyDeleteAfter a lengthy discussion with a Psychiatrist about my ex-girlfriends behaviour, she suggested I read about BPD. I have read all these accounts on here and on other sites and everything fits into place. I am very very sure. We are going to attend counselling together because there is actually more to this than our past relationship. I really want to get her some help, but I just know that if I suggest that she has BPD she is just going to twist it around so that I am the one with BPD. I would bet a months salary on it.
ReplyDeleteShe is a good mother and I haven't seen any signs of self harm, but I want to help her because I need to have a reasonable relationship with her without the conflict and twisting and false accusations.
My idea is that during a counselling session when she is accussing me of abuse, twisting her words, manipulation and aggression, I will answer with 'Hey, that sounds just like BPD... have you heard about it? Maybe if you could learn about BPD you could understand me a little better?'
I would like to hear people's views on this idea, is this crazy and could I be setting myself up for a fall?
I dont have a lot nice to say about BPD right now. I was in a same sex relationship with someone with BPD and have only just begun to piece together just how many lies she told 5 months after we broke up. Ive found things she has written online about me and now i realise that she would have been lying to me about so much. I made so many excuses for her behavior, as she said she was getting therapy for her behavior so she didnt hurt other people all the time. She knows she has bpd but I now think she uses therapy as a tool to talk about herself and most of all play a victim. the things I have discovered online has her doing just that, playing a victim and portraying me in an awful light. I should have seen the signs when I was with her because her world was so secretive and mine was very open to her. Im angry at myself for being such a poor judge of character, and angry at her that she is writing lies online. The worst part is I kept in contact with her and I felt guilty for getting mad at her in the past. Now I realise thats just what they do to deflect from their own bad behavior, try to make you feel bad. Ive seen so many support groups for BPD and its good to see a blog for the people they actually affect, because the fact is, they dont care who they affect or the hurt they cause, they are too caught up in their own selfish world. I dont even think she gets how destructive and what writing about an ex online can actually do to that person. its soul destroying, bullying and if these bpd people really did have the "empathy" they claim to have, they wouldnt do this sort of thing at all as they would know what kind of pain it causes in other peoples lives. Ive realised that this BPD in particular has left a path of pain and destruction in her life, and I have always tried to be understanding as I was always so worried she was going to kill herself as she had threatened that when i got mad at her before. its a complete head %^%^%. But now I realise as long as she finds validation elsewhere its a safe haven for her from ever having to address what she has done and will continue to do. i think myself lucky to be away from the horrid behavior but it will take a long time to truly get over the betrayal and I pity her and the poor next victim.
ReplyDeleteMy BPD ex also snorted drugs which made things even worse. Has anyone else noticed this or gone through this?
ReplyDeleteDear A Rose Covered in Thorns, (love the name by the way)
ReplyDeleteI feel lost as to what to do? I believe that my best friend/sister has this disorder! I want to tell her family and tell her bc I know she is hurting and confused why these things happen to her! She recently told me she wanted me out of her life forever and that she wants to move out, but I still have a pretty close connection with her mom! How do I tell them and what's the best way to tell her??
Desperate, lost, and confused!
I just wanted to say that it's sites like these, and comments by reader's, that have helped me come to terms with things, or at least toward gaining a more objective understanding of what was happening in my previous relationship. I'm not even a week out of the relationship with my (I'd bet my life on it, after researching this for the past couple of months) BPD ex-gf of around 7 months; this is the second time we've actually broken up - not including numerous failed attempts on my end.
ReplyDeleteIt's very confusing, really. I nearly lost my sanity. I suspect it will take me quite some time to recover from the hazy whirlwind of a relationship. One of the aspects I'm having difficulty with is the fact that I tolerated such typical BPD, or atypical-abusive-psychotic-ridiculous-child-like behavior for so long. It's not like I wasn't aware that the myriad horrific displays of aggression, underhanded/ sly mind@#$%'s, bizarre, disturbing, & abusive words/actions/behaviors, were healthy; it's amazing how well such degrading behaviors can be brushed aside - by both partners. For me, believing it would be better, or having some understanding of her deeper psychological pain due to a horrific past (which may or may not be true, in retrospect), led me to delude myself into allowing such abhorrent things to happen. It was cyclical, to the point of expectation, and near the end, it were as if I knew every little thing she was doing, and where it was going - in regards to a certain phrase or action, which would lead consequentially to a rage, tantrum, or argument; and when with foresight I would eliminate the possibility for her to even have any hint of reason behind her outbursts, they only became more inevitable, yet take the form of aloofness or extremely anti-intimate, punishment-silence-avoidance.
Of course, she was not the only one who caused our relationships demise...or was she? It's difficult to accept the role that I played, and to even know what it was. The majority of the most disturbing interactions I feel like my mind has partially dissociated itself from, out of some sense of psychological protective instinct, like to prevent me from recalling the pain and belittlement which accompanied the elation and deepest form of love I'd thought I'd even come to know....
Recently I met someone I thought I had a really great connection with. Everything was going great, we were dating, had a lot in common, I loved spending time with her. Everything was wonderful. A few weeks after I met this person I told her that I was living with an ex girlfriend (a same sex relationship if this matters at all) of mine from over a year ago and that we were simply just friends. I told her that I would understand if that bothered her at all but also advised her that I told her because I wanted to be honest because I could see our relationship becoming more serious and I didn't want to have any secrets. She told me that she understood that my roommate and I were just friends because close mutual friends of mine and hers had told her that there was absolutely nothing going on. Which was the truth. If I wanted my cake and be able to eat it too then why in the world would I tell my new interest that I dated my roommate? That would be pretty stupid on my part and would cause more trouble than it would be worth! I told her because I wanted to be honest because I believe honesty and communication are key to any relationship. She promised me she was fine with it and never brought it up again. Not until a few months later when she actually had more than a 2 min conversation with my roommate and I together. She said nothing to me until 2 weeks after the meeting when she advised me that she was really paranoid that there was something going on with my roommate and I. When I asked why in the world she thought this she just said that she noticed a "look" I gave my roommate. Then she continued to say that she can't be with me anymore because she can't stop thinking about it. I tried with all my might to convince her that I do not have feelings still for my roommate. She said she believed me but could not be with me still because she was too paranoid. She has since just completely just pulled away from me. COMPLETELY. No matter how many ways I try to tell her there is nothing going on she cannot get over this so called "look". She told me she couldn't be with me anymore and that she was removing herself from the equation. Just like that! The whole situation has left me in total disbelief. Recently I was watching an episode of 'Criminal Minds' when all of a sudden one of the characters started naming out all of these characteristics of someone with BPD. They all reminded me of the girl I was seeing. So I look up BPD and sure they described her to a tee! I actually studied psychology in university for 3 years until I had to leave due to financial issues so I got out all my books on it. I am convinced she has BPD. My problem now is that our relationship was so wonderful in the beginning and I want to get back to that. I know from reading all my text books that this is not a wise decision. I am not an obsessive person by any means and in the past if someone has broken up with me I have accepted that and have moved on. However, the problem with this break up is that there was no closure at all. Am I just going to have to force myself to get over this person or is there any hope for us at all?
ReplyDeletei have to ask, if the relationship did not work, why do you want to go back, it could be she was just insecure of the situation from, may be a previous relationship, maybe some one said oh i would not like that , as you have studied psychology you will understand the halo effect in the first 6 months of interractions , bpd tend to hoover the relationship back, it may be you just need close it within yourself, most relationships are good to start, hallo effect, then the real compatability starts to show, in the gay world generaly( not always ) jelously is quite high ( being gay myself you see this unfortunatly time and time agin) hope you can move on , (from me)
DeleteI am confronting my boyfriend of 1 year tonite...I have been reading all day.....a rose covered in thorns..I am giving him your blog to hopefully open his mind up to his illness.
ReplyDeleteI'm just coming to realise my partner of 4 years may be BPD. I am constantly fearful of verbal, if not, physical attacks and I'm twice her size. I want to stay but am scared of the consequences. I can't tell her she may be Borderline as I'll know how she'll react. Are there any moving stories that she could read that may open her eyes?
ReplyDeleteThank you.
what I read from rose covered in thorns was just downright scary. It was like a scary story that was based on a true story but it is!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi guys, really moved by these comments. Extremely brave people are on this forum my heart goes out to everyone who is suffering from a partner with this mental illness. I'm currently splitting from my she is 7 months pregnant.
ReplyDeleteAt first she was fine, normal relationship meeting parents ect, then she fell pregnant I swore to support her through the pregnancy and provide for her and my child I accepted my responsibilities. But cracks began to show I was soon critized for my every action even down to how I spoke and what I said to people on the phone, soon the insecurity set in phones monitor social media sites , she would pick and choose who I could contact , and if I refused she would manipulate me into thinking I was a bad person I first put it down to pregnancy ect , I'm a very tolerant young man I work hard and I enjoy my social life, she understood this but soon she was having dreams of me cheating even though I was at her side all te time. If not I was working. Things juggled at first some insecurity then some criticism. I found this very hurtful my every move was monitor and dictated by her . Friends used to taunt but I would brush it off. Then we move in together supporting us 2 was only me. Almost finding myself making excuses for her behaviour then came the mirror effect I call it she expected me to avoid things that she found disgusting films or certain new papers nudity in films is a no no, almost as if she was cloning me soon after she was jugdemental about friends and family extremely self obsorded, she then became violent and obsessive. Every text or phone call there was manipulative behaviour saying certain things to get certain answers leaving me no choice. Leaving me in clouds of negativity these people want nothing more than love that they cannot return they stay in flat denial of all their actions and are extremely immature. Now currently I still see manipulative behaviour from short texts to conversation about our future for instance I will ask a question instead of answering my question she will then ignore and ask me the same question, leaving me angry and frustrated. I'm extremely worried for my daughters mental health and do not she believe she should grow up not knowing her mother is like. They try and hurt you some much they saying crushing things I'm guessing because they cannot process their emotions their only defense mechanism. We have spoke about it and she says she feels numb feelings of certain things do not register, ever since a car crash she had in 2009 iv also read that traumatic events can cause bpd. She blames me that she is violent. I'm lower class than she is her family background is strong with wealth she admits to being a snob and does not have the ability to enter my world and accept me for who I am. Accepting people in my relationship is a sore spot for her also as we went to the same school she pigeon holes people judges them for their action it's sickening, my life has been emotional hell for the last 9 months. She believes she is above people but I just feel sorry for her I believe she will spend the rest of her days alone
Pat 1. Wow, I didn't realize quite how many people shared similar experiences. The posts here have been eye openers, I'm not nuts to think my estranged boyfriend is very likely apwBPD. My counsellor has been helping me try and understand what's been goin on with him. I so wish I could tell him everythihing she's explained to me. But he can't hear me now, he is no longer him and I have no way to reach him. I could be standing close enough to hear him breathe and still not be able to reach him. He's gone now (mentally) and no longer seems to recognize me as me, he's unreachable right now. I wish I knew how to help him.
ReplyDeleteThe splitting into abosulte black or white was one of the most difficult aspects for me to realte to and deal with from him. The projecting onto me of his own self hatred and hatred of his past abusers was it's own nightmare. He was constantly testing me and quizing me, making sure I wasn't in contact with any other guys. I had no interest in anyone else, which had been explained in clear detail many times, but to no avail. Constantly being accused of lying, despite there being no basis in reality to think I was.
In the end, after he had been destabilizing into more rages, faster mood shifts, and more irrational thinking, he left the relationship in a blaze of glory (the night after telling me how much he loved me). He raged in the house pounding and slamming things, ranting to himself like a madman (truly as if his most vile enemy was in front of him...there was no one there but a dresser). I'd heard him doing this in the bathroom without quite as much intensity on many occassions as his moods shifted into anger/rage previously. I didn't know what was going on, but I'd learned to stay away from him until he seemed calm again. So he raged for the day, scaring the hell out of my child and I.
Then, he raged at me personally for over three hours that evening. He told me it was over in a demonic voice. Then screamed obsenities at me, then tried to get me to hit him. Then more demonic voice stuff and many more obsenities. The things he continued screaming at me weren't me at all, they were directed at a whole bunch of very nasty people out of his past, but somehow it was all coming at me; he'd turned me into them.
He calmed slightly and finally told me a number of things, including he thought I'd lied to him about talking with someone, which I hadn't. He frequently would phase out briefly when we would be talking about something, I believe that's what happened this time as well. He missed the change over in the discussion when I went from talking about one person to another person. Somehow, even after explaination he still thought I was lying. Then he moved onto he thought I"d been cheating on him. I said no, just like all the times before. I loved him and only him, there was never any room in my life for another man after I met him. He had my heart lock stock and barrel. Then, finally he cried a little and said he thought I was leaving him. We'd just had a discussion about this over the weekend. I thought I had been super clear that I loved him, cared about him deeply and had no intention of leaving him.
part 2.
ReplyDeleteI've only seen him briefly since, just when he's come to pick up personal things. His voice doesn't sound like him (it hasn't since 4 days before his final flip out). He's ice cold, distant, detatched and definitely not the person I recognize. The rage and contempt are sitting right below the surface, only thinly veiled. I've never seen anyone change like this. My counsellor suspects he is both a pwBPD and a pwDID. She said either that or BPD with a psycholtic break. Either way, I've been told to stay away from him until he's stable and has started recieivng some sort of treatment. He's capable of being dangerous when rage has taken over him. I love him dearly, I hope that he gets assessed and into the right program. He's a wonderful person, but he's very lost right now. He's told me about his internal hell, I'd do anything in the world to be able to reach in and pull him out of it for good. I realize I can't, but truly wish I could.
I will learn to work with the disorders he has, if he wishes to continue on together in the future. There would have to be some boundaries set, some agreements made, and co-involvment in his treatment. In his rational state, he wouldn't have issue with any of those. Right now, I'm the devil incarnate in his mind. No idea if that sticks permanently or not. I hope not, I didn't earn it and I know being alone for him is torture. I haven't jumped ship yet, just grabbed for a life preserver. lol
well its all true my bpd dumped me big time
ReplyDeletewe had been together an incredible long time for a bpd relationship an it really ripped into me framing me violence orders ripping credit cards death threats but she is the one that fell in a heap , two suicide/ self harm attempts trying to run her new boyfriend over within a few months of leaving
threatining to kill him etc luckily through the many years we spent together i held onto my soul an though doing a few things i regret i can still hold up my head she is also a drug addict bi-polar so its been eventful not sure what comes next because there are kids involved who are with me an she needs my money more fun an games i guess??
by the way rose/thorns she is considered smart an clever but luckily she couldn't lay in the boot when she first dumped me because the violence order went astray in the first few days an it didn't hit me when i was still stunned it was all down hill for her from then on an for a long time i handled her with kid gloves because i thoght it was the bi polar still not sure if i should take her out or not still have kids involved
WOW !!! I am recently divorced from my ex-wife, and have always known something was very wrong. Indeed she has BPD! The spins, projections, splitting; the manipulations, almost killed me. I have never loved a woman so much, I was willing to do anything and everything for - even sacrifice myself. Combine BPD with her being a Scorpio with extreme menstruation - that's TNT! I have lived and experienced all of these very things that have been discussed on this site. I identify. My heart has been bleeding now for a long time. For the last year we tried to reconcile living apart. I sensed she had no real intent. Just used me for emotional support, chores, sex; whatever her needs were. I have been emotionally abused and physically abused by this woman. & I'm still crazy about her. She breaks up with me every month, and then I get a text, and I foolishly go back to her. I miss her face, but not her abuse. I really think it is done now. I mentioned to her she needs help and she should research BPD. Well, now I'm the one who's F'd up. Before I mentioned it, I received another break text (She's 41 btw) - followed by, "Our paths may cross again some day" I said. no they wont. Anyway, I think I have seen the last of her - perhaps she has a new interest? She claims to be the victim, while she victimizes men. She is on a tour of vengeance. How do I get over the love of my life, my soulmate. We shared such deep passion. She is the black widow.
ReplyDeleteI am really grateful for and completely blown away by this site. It's very hard to read but it's also cathartic...
ReplyDeleteIt's been helpful to read this for myself, and for my most recent relationship... I thought maybe I had BPD but I do not. Some of my behavior with my ex husband was really manipulative and codependent but not to the degree that these examples show. I do have an abuse history with lots of trauma and I am working through that in counseling and in a 12 step program---very helpful and HARD. Those painful feelings are insanely hard to face. The fear and panic are so intense. But I am finding that as I get on the other side, there is a little bit of freedom that opens up every time I do it... I do not want to get into another relationship for a long time though. My marriage was horrible, the breakup was painful, and I played the victim for a long time. Now I am looking at my role and that is going to take a while. I have some good support so I feel lucky but it's also scary...
My last relationship was with a woman. She was my first serious girlfriend. This relationship lasted only three months but it has left me extremely shaken and devastated. I am really grateful for all of the shares on here because I see her clearly in here. Our story is a little different though because I pursued her. Although, she is SO manipulative, she may have just made it seem like I pursued her. She had me completely wrapped around her finger. She fits the profile for being all-loving at first and giddy. Our sex was amazing. She was very intense and very smart. She was always cutting me down and then drawing me in just enough, to keep me on the line. She was like an addiction. I was so broken from my marriage and I felt so unwanted after the divorce. I was willing to do whatever it took to make it work with her. Everything got so twisted. She has this insensitivity, like nothing I have ever seen before. I almost didn't believe she would have the audacity to act the way she was acting, so I chose not to see it because it was so ugly. She is an expert at manipulating people and has tons of people believing in her. After she dumped me, abruptly and without any cause whatsoever--except that I now believe I was starting to show some backbone, she then proceeded to try to become friends with all of my friends. I'm actually afraid of her, even as I write this, because her behavior is so insane. I'm afraid to write some of the facts... I didn't see any of this until I spoke with some mutual friends who had received the same treatment. There was a huge amount of relief. She has since contacted me and is looking for fissures, to see in my armor. She absolutely refused to address any of the things that happened in the past--yes there was another break-up in that short tenure. She also fits the irritablility and the coldness and the intensity. She comes to an area where she knows I will be now. It's a power game. I actually had to leave a whole community of people because I do not feel safe there with her doing her games. Also, people believe her. It's very lonely, this whole experience. I see through my own inner desperation that I was willing to put up with very abusive behavior. Now, I am on the road to recovery but it's going to take some time. I feel so sad when I see her because I still love her. I feel so sad for her because she is so physically agitated all the time and I can see that now. I want her to heal but there is no way I am going to confront/ attempt to diagnose her. So it is very sad to see her and know this, and to think about her kids and to think about all the other people she has hurt and is going to hurt. I feel like all I can do is to keep my boundaries, and that is hard in and of itself... Thanks for this site. It's very helpful. I am going to go back and reread a lot of these.
I have a question that anyone can answer for me as long as you have the knowledge or experience to do so. I dated a bpd for about 10 months and then she turned and everything was my fault blah blah. Anyways I believe the new guy she is seeing is a bpd as well so my question out of curiousity is can a bpd have a successful relationship with a bpd?
ReplyDeleteI can say that yes all these things are very true in living with a BPD. I've been in a relationship for nearly 5 years with one who doesn't know or want to know she is a BPD. I am very worried about her and her choices she is the most Beautiful woman I ever met I can honestly say I have never love someone as much as I love this woman. We have broken up or she has tried to leave several times and always comes back. However this time she may have gone to far. My problem is I know why she's doing whats she doing and am trying to help her.
ReplyDeleteI feel like no matter the out come if we try or we stay apart I love her so much that I'm going to try and help her because she will never be able to be truly happy in life unless she gets the help she needs. At this point I have asked her if she knows why she is where she is and she says no I just did this because.
When she's honest and truthful she knows she loves me as mush as I love her and she knows there is something wrong she just doesn't know what or how to ask for help.
I want to thank each and everyone on this site as I have read your posts several times and I'll say this No Matter what as long as we as the Non-BPD Love and care for the BPD understand the why they do what they do we should try and help no matter the out come because its not about us its about them. We can inly do so much it is up to the BPD to realize and figure out that they need help but we should always support them if we can as long as humanly possible if that makes any sense?
Thank you all for your words and comments it helps and to Rose thank you the most for the insight I really am going to try and reach her she is my world.
I've always felt as if I was walking on eggshells when spending time with my sister. I just spent some time with her after not seeing her for 3 years. As is often the case she was deeply in debt. I knew better, but she has a child and the wolves were at the door. I offered to pay off her car loan as she was a couple months behind. She said No, just pay this months, I'll get back on my feet. Then turned around and asked for 800 dollars. Stupidly, I asked what it was for. I hadnt brought a checkbook and didnt want to give my cc # to alot of vendors. I paid the one car payment and gave her 500.00 in cash. Short story long~ The rest of the visit went reasonably well. She can be extremely kind and loving. I flew home, happy with our visit. The next day I received an Email thanking me for helping her and then ripping into me for debasing her, humiliating her, breaking her heart. She described me as " pursing my lips, turning up my nose" not allowing her "to save face" by letting her pay me back. (The family has helped her financially for YEARS.) The hostility in the email was brutal.
ReplyDeleteI felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I am coping better than before as I now recognize this as a pattern. But I really dont know what to do. I worry about her future. She isn't great at interpersonal relationships, and holding a job is difficult.
She is posting on FB how wonderful I am now.
I have not responded at all. I feel alot of compassion for her, I know she is most likely BPD. I know she is suffering. I am afraid she will end up homeless. Is there any free help for people with this disorder?
Wow, I know this is an old thread but after reading some of the comments, most of which start out " I was in a relationship with an UNDIAGNOSED, BPD but after reading this they must be that," I just have to throw in my own 2 cents for future readers.
ReplyDeleteOne blog post, and the suppositions of some not particularly intelligent people, if their intellect can be graded by their ability, or lack thereof, to pen a coherent blog post, does not a person with BPD make.
I know that you are all looking for reasons to justify the failure of your relationships but trying to hang it on BPD is really reaching. If you aren't a psychiatrist or psychologist then you are grasping at straws trying to make a determination of someone's mental health simply based on a blog post, your interpretation of that post, and some behavior by your former partner that may, or may not be, BPD.
It's far more likely that the both of you had/have issues and once you had exhausted your mutual ability to feed off of one another, your relationship ended.
If professionals in the mental health field are loathe to offer a diagnosis of BPD, exactly how do you decide that you are qualified to do so?
All of that aside, your posts did make for some humorous reading.
My story is the same as a lot of the story's of people that have bin with some one they love vary much who has bpd. I am convinced she has this and every one close to suffers including here. Her 9 year old daughter is a Minnie her but has not perfected it and it is obvious. It like she is practicing and learning what works. It has bin a strange scary 3 years. She likes control to be the boss and she is not happy with a job unless she is in that position of power and control. Fair and honest she is the best boss you could ask for in an implored. Can't function normally in her personal close relationships.
ReplyDeleteA rose covered in thorns is right on the mony I feel like the whoman I was with wrot it.
Thanks by the way, you have given me a lot of insight.
What you say about manipulation is so far from the truth. I have BPD and if you would read a real book on the subject you might understand that it is not manipulation, it's just a need that needs to be filled due to our emotional roller coaster of life. You are making people with BPD look like evil doers. And I honestly think you don't have a clue about the disorder. We are good people that feel more emotion and have trouble validating it to others.
ReplyDeleteSame story. met my man, within 2 weeks of dating told me he loved me, and i loved him back. Been together everyday since. 2 months in the relationship, got pregnant. I knew something was wrong then but i did not want to believe it. Now our son is 11 months, and i cannot stand my boyfriend anymore.Too many insults, hurt... I was looking up verbal abuse support and came accross BPD. Well hello! Now im afraid if i leave him , how bad he will hurt from loosing me and our son, because that how he lost his ex. (they had a son also and she refuses to have him visit the kids alone, always said he was abusive)Can he take it? And now that i am not in the picture, will he take this out on his son? A rose covered in thorns! would you say BPD ppl will not stop even if its there kid??? thank you anyone for your insight.
ReplyDeletePS and yes. i see i do suffer from codependency myself... a bit of battered women syndrome i must admit!wy do i care i should just leave right? but i cant. not yet.
To a Rose Covered in Thorns,
ReplyDeleteEarlier you mentioned that BPD's tend not to permanently burn bridges, because they could end up having a use for the person in question in the future. That is exactly how I feel in relationship with my ex boyfriend/current friend BPD. He USES me. My family is better off than his financially, but that does not mean we are secure or well-off by any means. However he thinks that because we are better off than he is that he can just spend our money as he pleases. I lent him my credit card once and he spent money like crazy. When I confronted him about it, his first response was to say that it was an accident. Really?! You spent thousands of dollars accidentally?! When I said as much to him, he was just like "I needed it." I barely got the chance to be mad at him, because, like you said, he just kept saying that was the past and couldn't we just move on? It was EERIE the first time I ever read the DSM description of BDP because it was like reading a near perfect description of my friend. Maybe you won't be able to explain this to me, but I find it very confusing-when someone puts the blame for their own actions on someone else, does he himself actually believe that it's the other person's fault, or does he realize that he is putting the blame for actions he himself committed? It just really is confusing, because I believe that he loves me and really does consider me his best friend, but he uses me SO often. Likewise every time we get into a fight he says the nastiest possible things to me and then claims he never will again every time we reconcile.
I will say that he seems improved from when we were dating. He is less reckless and self-destructive. It's like he's a less intense version of a BPD than he used to be. The signs are certainly still present, but he is markedly improved-at least ostensibly. Do you think BPD's can change without anyone telling them they have BPD? Because my friend just thinks he has "anger issues" and he's "depressed." He has both of those things-as part of being BPD. By the way, thank you so much for all of your posts and your candid answers. It really helps to have someone shed light on this disorder. I know it can be hard having such a disorder as I am OCD myself.