Miami: Top Ten Signs That You're Dating a Borderline Continued

Looking back, I should have known that she was a borderline based on the signs from the very beginning. I was falling hard for this girl, but she continued to throw me signals that she was shaky if not completely unstable.

I refused to listen and heed the warning signs. They were huge flags.

Sign Five: Feeling Like You're Always Proving Something to Someone, But It's Never Enough
One of the main reasons why I continued in the relationship is because the BPD was accusing me of such wild things that were so out of my character to even consider, that I first did not know how to respond but second felt like I was proving myself to this person.

I hadn't felt like this before, to this extent, and it was strange. The BPD constantly made me feel like I had to prove my trustworthiness to her.

This is where I should have known something was wrong. Trust is not something you earn. It's something that's given in time, but you still provide basic trust for people. Borderlines trust then take it away without reason. They're so unsure of themselves that they can't trust themselves, let alone anyone else.

Sign Six: Constant Scrutiny

We were to celebrate Valentines Day together, then I was scheduled to fly to Miami for business the next morning. I stopped on the long three hour drive from Delaware (where I lived) to New Jersey (where she lived) to purchase some travel luggage and to buy her a Valentine's Day card.

I rushed to the bar where we had planned on meeting, and she was there with her friend, Dawn. She was upset but keeping her cool. Later, she queried me as to what took me so long, and I had to explain myself to the point of telling her that I had to stop and get a present for her.

We went to dinner and had a decent dinner; when I went to the bathroom during dinner, I was accused of sending text messages to others. I was not happy at all about that, but again, I was trying to prove myself to her.

Sign Seven: Being Told That You're Never Good Enough

I flew out the next morning, and once I landed and got ready for the show, she started again. She told me that the present that I got her wasn't good enough and that my card was not acceptable. Something to the fact that I hadn't asked what her kids' favorite colors (I retorted that I'm the kind of person that asks the kids myself what their favorite colors are). After I got her through her anxiety for Wednesday night, I went to sleep late so I could wake for a day full of meetings, starting at 6:45.

My day's meetings on Wednesday were difficult, but I got through them. We had planned on staying for Wednesday then Thursday, and fly back on Friday morning. We spoke all night on Wednesday, and on Thursday we sent text messages to one another through part of the day. Until it all changed.

Sign Eight: Things Can Be Going Well, Then They Will Change Into Hateful People

We were sending text messages to one another and I told her that I ran into someone that I went to high school with. Her anxiety must have flown through the roof, but she suddenly lost control and broke up with me.

What did she say? I remember it to this day: You're lying to me about someone that you went to high school with. I can't be with someone who can't be truthful. When I go out tonight with my friends, I'm just going to tell them that it didn't work out

Huh? I was dumbfounded. Again. Real upset.

I called Chris and talked to him. When we discussed, he said to me, "she might be the most dangerous one yet...just promise me that you won't talk to her anymore."

That's why I love that guy. He's always looking out for my best interest, even when I'm not. We all need friends like this.

I didn't listen. I sent her an email at 8 pm laying into her. She sent me an email responding something like, "you have troubles and were going to treat me poorly. I can help you. Let me help you with your problems. " (note: she didn't say those words exactly -- it's been four years, so give me some leniency with the stories)

Sign Nine: Crazy Talk About How You're Mistreating Them

I responded, "I don't need any help, I'm just fine thank you." From there, we traded emails every day for the next few days. She continued to tell me how I was so bad, and I continued to defend myself. This continued from Thursday night into Friday and Saturday. We finally spoke on Sunday.

Sign Ten: After Treating You So Poorly, They Come Back To You

She called me on Sunday, telling me that she thought about us and wanted us to try again. She had listened to a song off the CD that I had given her for Valentine's Day, and wasn't ready to let go yet.

So, we went back out and re-established the relationship. However, the first night we spent back together was interesting. In an upcoming post, learn about the Nails.

Boundaries: Critical For Survival

Without them, you will be ripped into shreds and made to feel like a terrible person. With them, you can maintain a *healthy* sense of self-worth, if you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

I'd argue that any of us that are in a long-term relationship with a borderline can't maintain properly boundaries with our partner. We have a tendency to let our partners regularly violate our boundaries and hurt us, telling us terrible things about us and put all of their misery on us.

What Are Boundaries?

Simply stated (wish me luck here), boundaries are the rules that a person lives by:

- How will I allow people to treat me?

- Will I let people make fun of me, ridicule me, treat me poorly, or will I leave such situations?

- Will I let people hurt me, or will I not stand for being hurt, ending a relationship when boundaries are violated?

We have boundaries in all of our relationships, with friends, family and lovers. Most of the time, self-esteem and self worth will impact how healthy our boundaries are with others. Those with low self esteem and low self worth will let others violate what would be healthy boundaries.

I was told by a counselor once that my exBPD girlfriend had no boundaries. Thinking about it more, I disagree. Let me explain.

Borderlines have difficulty establishing and enforcing boundaries. Their instability makes them put up boundaries that are too strong, then letting their boundaries down completely. Because they are such extreme people, they cannot have healthy boundaries, and in fact, they will often put up such strong boundaries that they will alienate others.

The BPD that constantly plays victim to another person and claims to be regularly victimized is putting up boundaries, no matter how dysfunctional they may be. They are telling their partner that they were victimized by another person and they don't want to have that happen again. My exBPD played the victim card that she was extremely hypersensitive. She would fabricate thoughts that I had, accusing me of doing horrible things that I never had any intention of doing.

Suddenly, she was again playing the victim, making sure that terrible things didn't happen to her. This kept her boundaries too strong and invaded my boundaries.

My initial response to these strange, completely off-the-wall accusation was, "I have nothing to hide and would never do such a thing to you." But over time, these off-the-wall accusations wear on a person. My responses weakened to I would never intentionally try to make you feel like this, to which she accused me of hurting her, but not intentionally doing things. Like I was doing this subconsciously.

This was all in her head, but it became my reality. She worked into me and violated my boundaries for healthy self-worth and self esteem. Because I was newly divorced and hurting, I allowed this to happen -- for over a year, then I had to start protecting myself.

Initially, I thought that she would see the good in me -- the person that I was. She never did. In a way, I was trying to violate healthy boundaries by trying to show her who I was.

Boundaries can be confusing. Remember that healthy boundaries are critical to someone feeling good about themselves, which is healthy self esteem. If you feel bad about yourself, first check and see if someone is making you feel like that. If they are, I'd bet that they're violating your boundaries.