BPD Hoovering: Sucked Back Into The Relationship With The Borderline

I had forgotten about BPD Hoovering, then someone had commented on how they were Hoovered back into their relationship. Hoovering is something that all BPDs do as they alternate between fear of abandonment and devaluing someone. It's the battle that they have inside of themselves. Unfortunately, us Non's have to live the life of a borderline, but from our perspective, it can be scary. Many have asked the question, but let's answer it: What is BPD Hoovering?

BPD Hoovering Defined


BPD Hoovering is what a borderline personality does when they try to get you back into the relationship. For whatever reason, they have usually pushed you away from them and now are trying to pull you back in. They will apologize, admit that they are wrong, tell you they will go into counseling...do whatever it takes to get you back into the relationship.

Hence why they call it Hoovering. Like the vacuum, the borderline literally sucks you back into the relationship, telling you that they will do whatever it takes to get you back. They are sincere, truthful and apologetic.

You sit there and think, 'wow, they finally got it. All the things that I've been telling them, they finally understand.' You feel better and think that this will finally be the relationship that you  thought it could be.

Life is good for a while. You go back into a honeymoon phase with the Borderline and things are blissful.

Unfortunately, the good times only last for a short time. Something happens -- you don't know what -- and the borderline is back to normal. You're back in the up-and-down spin cycle of the borderline. Welcome back. You've been Hoovered, sucked back in, and now you're back in the despair of a borderline relationship.

The worst thing about Hoovering is that it was often initiated by the borderline: They broke up with you, they kicked you out of the house, they...well, you get the idea here.

Quitting Smoking


Leaving a borderline relationship -- for good -- is like quitting smoking. Someone who quits smoking usually tries many times before it sticks. Just like this, you may try to leave a borderline relationship multiple times before you can finally break the chains. It's difficult because the borderline gave us what we wanted in a person -- on a silver platter -- or so we thought. Looking back, the BPD appealed to my own narcissistic needs in a person, not someone that I would respect.

When I was in the relationship with the borderline, she Hoovered me many different times. She kicked me out of her house twice when we were together, only to Hoover me back into the relationship. After I moved out on my own accord, she brought me back into the relationship, making me fall for her again -- hard, telling me one day "I just love you" as I cried in the turmoil of the relationship.

She told me many times that things were going to be different. Even after I moved out and had my own place, she recognized that I was requiring her to make changes. The borderline can't handle that, they can't handle the blame and being told that they have to burden the load of correction. She eventually spun this around and said I kicked you out, you didn't move out.


How To Identify Hoovering


Hoovering is pretty easy to identify. The borderline has done something that their fear of abandonment has made them fear that they will be alone forever. Most likely, they have raged on you, or they have cheated on you, broken up with you or something like this. Now, they have calmed down, and the reality that you're not there anymore has hit them.

Desperate, they will now apologize, promise everything and anything that they can to get you back. Remember that their promises will most likely be hollow, and they won't keep them.

In The End...


I tried to stop smoking numerous times before finally giving it up. I still crave cigarettes periodically. But I don't smoke anymore. Eventually, the Hoovering will not work either, because we know that we need to give the relationship up.