It's strange, but you still sometimes dream about the BPD. Real strange.
Last night I dreamed about her. It was strange -- I saw her somewhere. It was so strange that it woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back to sleep for some time.
When I saw her and we interacted, I think that it was the way I think she and I would be with one another -- quite guarded. I remember telling her about Jennie, and her making some comment where she's accusing me of treating her horribly, but now, I don't respond. I think I walked away from her, but awaited feeling the blow from her when she hit me.
Looking back as I write this, I guess it's a little PTSD. It was definitely strange.
The bottom line is that it takes years -- years -- to get away from the BPD person and to get them out of your head. Any relationship can damage you, but BPDs put a real hurting on you.
The nice thing is that you can shed the wounds, in time. The Post Traumatic Stress dissipates, and you're left feeling better than ever.
The BPD is left being an incomplete person that has difficulty assimilating into society and succeeding in relationships.
I'd rather have the temporary issues so I can feel better than ever.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Include Comments From BPDs on a Relationship Recovery Site?
I've thought long and hard about this, and I've gotten many, many comments from BPDs over the years.
I think I've published only one of their comments to date.
I've asked each of you, this blog's loyal readers, what you think about publishing comments from BPD. Some of you have said no way while others have said sure.
After weighing in each of your comments, I've settled that for the most part, this site will not publish BPD comments, unless those comments will benefit the person who is a non and recovering from a current or past relationship with a BPD.
Make sense?
In other words:
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs where they are just talking about themselves to make themselves feel good. I will, however, publish comments and articles from non's who are hurting and need to feel better.
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs who are providing comment or insight when it does not positively impact and help the non
- I will publish comments (or articles) from BPDs that help the Non heal and give them insights into the mind and behaviors of a BPD
I recently published a comment from A Rose Covered In Thorns (did I date you?) because it was so insightful, and it benefited the Non community if they read into the mind of a BPD. Excellent comment that was quite helpful.
However, for the most part, I'm not going to publish most BPD comments. They don't help us that are recovering from relationships, so they don't help the core goal of this site.
I think I've published only one of their comments to date.
I've asked each of you, this blog's loyal readers, what you think about publishing comments from BPD. Some of you have said no way while others have said sure.
After weighing in each of your comments, I've settled that for the most part, this site will not publish BPD comments, unless those comments will benefit the person who is a non and recovering from a current or past relationship with a BPD.
Make sense?
In other words:
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs where they are just talking about themselves to make themselves feel good. I will, however, publish comments and articles from non's who are hurting and need to feel better.
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs who are providing comment or insight when it does not positively impact and help the non
- I will publish comments (or articles) from BPDs that help the Non heal and give them insights into the mind and behaviors of a BPD
I recently published a comment from A Rose Covered In Thorns (did I date you?) because it was so insightful, and it benefited the Non community if they read into the mind of a BPD. Excellent comment that was quite helpful.
However, for the most part, I'm not going to publish most BPD comments. They don't help us that are recovering from relationships, so they don't help the core goal of this site.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
BPD Relationship Recovery Step 7: Find Spiritual Fulfillment
You've gotten out (or you are planning to get out) of a relationship with someone who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or you have gotten out of a relationship in general. You're healing, but you still hurt, Man, sometimes, the pain is pretty great.
Your healing process is okay, as you've found others that are feeling your pain, you've mentally committed to healing, and you're starting to do the work. You're also working on yourself, and you're not going out and drinking excessively, or doing other self-medicating activities.
Still, you need something else. There's something missing.
Most healthy humans walk around this earth looking for some type of purpose and reason. Once our basic needs are met, we need to fulfill our more advanced needs -- Abraham Maslow
, in his Heirarchy of Needs
, refers to it as Self Actualization.
I'm sorry to say that so many of us are so broken, so painfully broken, that we can never get to a point where we can look outside of our tainted self. We are so sad, so hurt, so traumatized that the world is such a painful place and we are protecting ourselves from this pain.
These recovery steps help you start to clear away the pain that you're feeling. By interacting with others, you begin to trust again - you begin to trust others and yourself.
I'm all over the place here, I know, but back to my point. As you uncover more of yourself and shed the pain that you are feeling-- you're going to want more. Humans need to feel this actualization, which often comes in the form of spiritual fulfillment.
Why does this work?
If we're a part of something bigger, then we have meaning. If we worship a God, then we have meaning. We are no longer the center of the universe. Those that suffer from narcissism think that they are the center of the universe, so they are not part of a bigger universe.
Borderlines are usually quite narcissistic because they have to be the center of the universe in their minds. They cannot get away from their pain, their insecurities, their fears, so they have to be the center of the universe.
Those of us that were in relationships with Borderlines ended up putting the borderline in the center of our universe. Often, we had our family or our job or our friends or activities in the center of our universe. Clearly, all these things change, so our lives are not stabile.
Spirituality helps us stabilize ourselves.
I personally believe that my Lord and Savior is Jesus Christ, the son of God. However, I respect all religion, be it Buddhism, Christianity or any other religion, as long as the religion does not require violence and is based on love and spiritual fulfillment.
There are many books
that provide basic information on religion, but organized religion provides a solid foundation for healing. Good churches will actually help you get meaning, then will help you shed your pain, grow through your shortcomings and pains so you can see the world and live a more fulfilled life.
Through a good church, you could:
- Attend support group meetings
- Volunteer for helping the homeless and the needy
- Join a community of supportive, positive people
The list continues, but you see where I'm going here. The right church for you, be it a Christian church, a Buddhist Temple, a Mosque or a Synagogue, will give you a good foundation.
Many people who are suffering from BPD will be ultra-religious. It allows the borderline an outlet for much of their obsessive behavior and attitudes, to the point of unhealthy. There are stories (I haven't confirmed) that BPDs will often join cults and other groups like this.
Spiritual fulfillment grounds you, takes yourself (or your family or other distractions) out of the center of our universe, and keeps us well-rounded and grounded.
Recommended Readings:
Your healing process is okay, as you've found others that are feeling your pain, you've mentally committed to healing, and you're starting to do the work. You're also working on yourself, and you're not going out and drinking excessively, or doing other self-medicating activities.
Still, you need something else. There's something missing.
Spiritual Fulfillment Helps Make You Whole
Most healthy humans walk around this earth looking for some type of purpose and reason. Once our basic needs are met, we need to fulfill our more advanced needs -- Abraham Maslow
, in his Heirarchy of Needs, refers to it as Self Actualization.I'm sorry to say that so many of us are so broken, so painfully broken, that we can never get to a point where we can look outside of our tainted self. We are so sad, so hurt, so traumatized that the world is such a painful place and we are protecting ourselves from this pain.
These recovery steps help you start to clear away the pain that you're feeling. By interacting with others, you begin to trust again - you begin to trust others and yourself.
I'm all over the place here, I know, but back to my point. As you uncover more of yourself and shed the pain that you are feeling-- you're going to want more. Humans need to feel this actualization, which often comes in the form of spiritual fulfillment.
Why does this work?
If we're a part of something bigger, then we have meaning. If we worship a God, then we have meaning. We are no longer the center of the universe. Those that suffer from narcissism think that they are the center of the universe, so they are not part of a bigger universe.
Borderlines are usually quite narcissistic because they have to be the center of the universe in their minds. They cannot get away from their pain, their insecurities, their fears, so they have to be the center of the universe.
Those of us that were in relationships with Borderlines ended up putting the borderline in the center of our universe. Often, we had our family or our job or our friends or activities in the center of our universe. Clearly, all these things change, so our lives are not stabile.
Spirituality helps us stabilize ourselves.
I personally believe that my Lord and Savior is Jesus Christ, the son of God. However, I respect all religion, be it Buddhism, Christianity or any other religion, as long as the religion does not require violence and is based on love and spiritual fulfillment.
The Basics of Religion and Sprituality
There are many books
that provide basic information on religion, but organized religion provides a solid foundation for healing. Good churches will actually help you get meaning, then will help you shed your pain, grow through your shortcomings and pains so you can see the world and live a more fulfilled life.Through a good church, you could:
- Attend support group meetings
- Volunteer for helping the homeless and the needy
- Join a community of supportive, positive people
The list continues, but you see where I'm going here. The right church for you, be it a Christian church, a Buddhist Temple, a Mosque or a Synagogue, will give you a good foundation.
Borderlines and Spirituality
Many people who are suffering from BPD will be ultra-religious. It allows the borderline an outlet for much of their obsessive behavior and attitudes, to the point of unhealthy. There are stories (I haven't confirmed) that BPDs will often join cults and other groups like this.
Spiritual fulfillment grounds you, takes yourself (or your family or other distractions) out of the center of our universe, and keeps us well-rounded and grounded.
Recommended Readings:
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
3 Years
So, it's now past 3 years since I last spoke with my ex BPD girlfriend. Three long years. I read back to my first post, Heal, and how I felt back then. I think about my life now, where I am, and how far I've come. It's been a long road, there were tough times along the way, but life is good. Life is real good.
It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic. Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through (I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved). Also, I was not able to log in for a couple of weeks/months -- but I was still able to approve comments from my email account, so I continued posting your comments -- for the most part.
So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do.
My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.
My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown 16-year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments. My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly 12.
I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.
It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully.
I recently received an email which summed it all up:
Dating someone with BPD gives you a false sense of love which blinds all logic. The end of the relationship for me was so shocking that it left me deeply hurt like a recovering alcoholic going cold turkey.
Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible. Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process.
The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.
We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward.
I don't think about my BPD very often anymore. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life.
One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated:
I notice that I no longer am the same person I once was.
If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were. You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation.
It's within your reach. Now go get it.
It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic. Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through (I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved). Also, I was not able to log in for a couple of weeks/months -- but I was still able to approve comments from my email account, so I continued posting your comments -- for the most part.
Personal Life Update
So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do.
My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.
My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown 16-year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments. My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly 12.
BPD Relationship Recovery Takes a Long Time
I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.
It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully.
I recently received an email which summed it all up:
Dating someone with BPD gives you a false sense of love which blinds all logic. The end of the relationship for me was so shocking that it left me deeply hurt like a recovering alcoholic going cold turkey.
What's Next?
Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible. Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process.
The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.
We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward.
Regarding My BPD Relationship
I don't think about my BPD very often anymore. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life.
One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated:
I notice that I no longer am the same person I once was.
If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were. You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation.
It's within your reach. Now go get it.
Friday, September 3, 2010
August Vacation - Back to Business
I've had a whirlwind summer, going all over the place, including the beach of North Carolina and many other exciting places. Time to get back to business.
This blog continues to grow in its readership, and I continue to get encouraging comments about the blog. Thanks to each of you about this. I've been trying to move the blog over to another platform at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com so readers can enjoy forums and they can better contribute themselves and enjoy more functionality from a more robust website, but this readership continues to grow, and I don't want to alienate anyone reading here. So, I'm in a bit of a quagmire. Let me know what you think I should do:
- Continue posting here
- Move altogether to www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Try to (weakly) maintaining two blogs with very similar material (but the comments are now beginning to differ)
One other thing that I'm finding is that BPDs are now providing comments on this site. I haven't published any of them as I think that this should be a place for those recovering from a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to find solace.
Soooo, I want to know what you think -- do I accept BPD's comments? This is the Us project.
Let me know your thoughts and feelings.
I'm back from my summer vacation -- as I continue to recover, my topics will get less, so please, if you'd like to be a guest blogger, let me know. Drop a line to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and let me know. I'd love to get some guest bloggers.
Keep the fight, keep the faith, and keep moving forward.
-- Den
Where to Go From Here?
This blog continues to grow in its readership, and I continue to get encouraging comments about the blog. Thanks to each of you about this. I've been trying to move the blog over to another platform at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com so readers can enjoy forums and they can better contribute themselves and enjoy more functionality from a more robust website, but this readership continues to grow, and I don't want to alienate anyone reading here. So, I'm in a bit of a quagmire. Let me know what you think I should do:
- Continue posting here
- Move altogether to www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Try to (weakly) maintaining two blogs with very similar material (but the comments are now beginning to differ)
Allow BPD's Comments?
One other thing that I'm finding is that BPDs are now providing comments on this site. I haven't published any of them as I think that this should be a place for those recovering from a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to find solace.
Soooo, I want to know what you think -- do I accept BPD's comments? This is the Us project.
Let me know your thoughts and feelings.
I'm back from my summer vacation -- as I continue to recover, my topics will get less, so please, if you'd like to be a guest blogger, let me know. Drop a line to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and let me know. I'd love to get some guest bloggers.
Keep the fight, keep the faith, and keep moving forward.
-- Den
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