Did you feel like that person had the same interests as you?
Did you feel like that person had same taste in style? The same taste in food? The same taste in, most anything?
Did you feel like this person was just that person that you'd always dreamed about?
Most of us Nons did too.
It's one of those things that pulls you in and makes you feel like you're in heaven despite all the flags that are going off in your head. It's called BPD Mirroring -- what the borderline personality disordered do that helps pull you into the relationship, makes the non feel like they are head over heels in love, and keeps them committed for way longer than they should.
For me, this mirroring was big, given that I had come from a relationship where I was married to my complete opposite. Being with someone that I thought was so similar to me
BPD Mirroring Defined
Borderline Mirroring is the technique that they use to come close to the Non in their life when they are first entering the relationship. The borderline will align themselves with the Non, determining the Non's needs, then giving those needs to the Non.
From the Non's perspective, they feel like they have met their partner for life. Someone finally gets them. Wow. That's it. They're done.
This is usually when the BPD's fears, anxieties, rages and disorder shows, slowly but surely. Welcome to the world of a Borderline Personality.
The BPD Chameleon: An Undeveloped Sense of Self
The borderline doesn't consciously begin a relationship like this. They have usually been quite successful in establishing relationships, and they are so insecure that they fear that others will reject them if they portray their true selves.
We all have a bit of this; that's why we put our best foot forwards when we first start dating someone. However, with a borderline, this is even more pronounced.
The dance that a Non has with a borderline is actually quite more indepth, because in some relationships, the borderline will actually put their anxieties on the non, but we'll cover more of this in future posts.
Changes Over Time
As the relationship develops, the borderline will try their best to mirror the non, but slowly, you'll see things about the borderline that aren't congruent with the person that they had portrayed earlier in the relationship. When I first was dating the borderline, I told her that I was thinking about beginning to rent out halls and giving motivational speeches to those that needed it, and she told me that she was going to help others get their lives back on track.
I never realized just how off-track her life was.
When the borderline and I looked at houses together, I told her, "we have the same taste, so we know what we'll like." The truth was that I subconsciously knew that she would like whatever I did. She would because her fear of being alone was so great that she would not go against my wishes. Also, I didn't really know what her taste in houses was. Her house was the exact same style from the person that she bought the house, as they had sold her everything, including all of the furniture, in the house. The woman lacked much identity at all.
How To Address BPD Mirroring: Celebrate Differences
The borderline feels that their partner must be exactly the same as their partner; anything else kicks their fear of abandonment into high gear. Clearly, identifying differences and helping the borderline celebrate these differences is critical for the relationship to survive.
I'll post more on this in future posts, particularly how to identify Borderline Mirroring and more on how to address. If you're coming out of a relationship with a borderline, recognize this mirroring and watch for it in future relationships. We are, after all, usually pretty susceptible to repeating our borderline relationships.
