This is a question that's posed to me quite often. You're in a relationship with a borderline. Do you stay or do you go? You know that it's going to be hard to leave, but the pain and abuse that you deal with is so great that you just can't take it any more.
The Good Outweighs The Bad
I remember being with the BPD and being asked by a counselor, "why do you stay in the relationship?" The reason was simple -- the good outweighed the bad.
Every relationship has difficulties. We all carry baggage from our childhood, our adolescence, our teen and high school years, and our adult lives. How we deal with the baggage and how we handle the issues in the relationship is important.
If you're in a relationship and can see that things are being handled in a constructive, healthy fashion, and you're happy, you should stay. Even if you were with someone who had borderline characteristics and was doing the right things to address them, then maybe it would work. You would know that they are doing the right things.
The problem with most borderlines is that they are so scared deep down inside that they won't admit their faults. They just won't. So they blame everything on their partners.
If you can look at the relationship and feel that the good outweighs the bad, then maybe it's worth it to stay in the relationship. In time, if the person is a true borderline, chances are that the bad will outweigh the good.
The Bad Outweighs The Good
You know the deal here. You're staying in the relationship because you're afraid. You don't know what life will be like without the borderline. You're afraid of being alone, you have financial issues, there's something that's keeping you in.
Here's the good and bad news -- everything will be just fine. You have to believe and get yourself out, because if the bad outweighs the good, you're in an abusive relationship. It's not good for you.
It's not good for you.
Only You Can Decide
No matter how much we try to help another with this decision, only you can ultimately make this decision. When it's time to go, you should go. Do not stay in an abusive relationship, because this is your self-worth that is at stake.
Do the right thing for yourself. You are responsible for your self-worth, so take care of you.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Borderline Personality Disorder Defined
Are you in a relationship with someone where they make you always feel like you're doing something wrong? Do you always feel like you're Walking on Egghsells? Do you feel like your relationship is a constant battle and a constant fight, where you always feel like you don't know who you're going to be coming home to?
You may be in a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Below is the clinical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Read through this blog to see examples of these symptoms in action; I was with someone who displayed these symptoms excessively, but you'll see what I mean when you read my stories.
Are you with someone who has BPD? If you're here, you may be. Want to confront them? Read the blog and the related stories before embarking on that one.
For examples of this, check out my entry where I ask the question about my exBPD and ask if she really has BPD. I was upset (which is obvious), but you get the gist of what you should be looking for.
Read through the blog. Read all of the invaluable comments -- you'll quickly learn if you're with someone who has borderline personality disorder.
In upcoming posts, look for ways to deal with the issue -- should you stay or should you go?
You may be in a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Below is the clinical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Read through this blog to see examples of these symptoms in action; I was with someone who displayed these symptoms excessively, but you'll see what I mean when you read my stories.
Are you with someone who has BPD? If you're here, you may be. Want to confront them? Read the blog and the related stories before embarking on that one.
Symptoms of BPD
There are many symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the clinical definition is pretty straightforward. Wikipedia defines the diagnosis as it appears in the DSM-IV-TR. The diagnosis is based on nine criteria; someone must exhibit five of the following nine symptoms to be diagnosed with BPD.
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging, for example, spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, or binge eating
- Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Affective (mood) instability and marked reactivity to environmental situations, for example, intense episodic depression, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, for example, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- Transient, stress-related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms (feelings of unreality)
For examples of this, check out my entry where I ask the question about my exBPD and ask if she really has BPD. I was upset (which is obvious), but you get the gist of what you should be looking for.
Read through the blog. Read all of the invaluable comments -- you'll quickly learn if you're with someone who has borderline personality disorder.
In upcoming posts, look for ways to deal with the issue -- should you stay or should you go?
Monday, March 22, 2010
The BPD Hook: What Keeps You in the BPD Relationship?
You know that the relationship is dysfunctional. You know that it's just bad for you. You know that it's a problem. You know that you're missing out on so many things in life.
Yet you stay with the person afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Why?
The Borderline had (or has) you hooked into the relationship. Something that they did, you got something out of the relationship that kept you in, and kept you around and not leaving.
Welcome to the BPD Hook.
Simply defined, the BPD Hook is the reason that the borderline kept you in, or 'hooked' you, into the relationshp. It could be a multitude of things, but some of them may be:
Borderlines are like mermaids. They call you in, say things that keep you mesmerized while they take your dignity, self worth and self esteem. When they're gone, you feel lost, abandoned and an overall wreck.
If you're starting to understand what's happened to you (or what's happening), one of the most important aspects of recovering from a borderline relationship is to get out of the borderline's hook, or get away from their spell.
The only way to get out of the spell of a borderline is to determine how they have you hooked. To do this, think about what life would be (or is) like without the person you suspect to be borderline. What do you miss most?
You've just found the BPD hook that they're keeping you in with.
For me, the BPD hook that I was suffering from was multi-fold. I had just gone through a divorce, so I was quite insecure about my finances and my overall sense of security. In addition, my ex wife was quite a frigid person.
I was a gold mine for a borderline, and ripe for her pickings. She found me and exploited me right away, making me feel financially secure and fulfilling my emotional needs as well as other needs.
However, this was clearly at a price. She would alter between loving me dearly and ripping me apart, so it was quite the roller coaster ride. After nearly two years, I had to get off the ride. I left the relationship feeling like I was going to be alone, like no one would ever meet my sexual needs like she did, and I was going to be bankrupt.
Very quickly, I realized that things were not as bad as I thought, and all of my insecurities were put to rest. Life wasn't easy at first, but within a couple of months, things were moving in the right direction. Healing takes a while, and taking the hooks out takes some time.
What I learned was that all the things that I was so afraid of before I started the relationship with the BPD were not insurmountable. I was able to get over each and every one of those hurdles, and they weren't real. I was able to get by financially after the divorce, and I clearly wasn't going to be alone. Even my insecurities about finding someone that was not as sexual as a borderline were quickly put to rest.
BPD Hooks are tough for the Non, but once you realize how the BPD is hooking you into the relationship, you can quickly make yourself feel better, and eventually heal yourself in the relationship.
There is a wonderful life awaiting those that are now out of a borderline relationship. If you want it, you need to take the steps to get out, but it can be yours.
Yet you stay with the person afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Why?
The Borderline had (or has) you hooked into the relationship. Something that they did, you got something out of the relationship that kept you in, and kept you around and not leaving.
Welcome to the BPD Hook.
What Is The BPD Hook?
Simply defined, the BPD Hook is the reason that the borderline kept you in, or 'hooked' you, into the relationshp. It could be a multitude of things, but some of them may be:
- They appealed to your insecurity about being alone, and told you that without them, you would always be alone
- They appealed to your sense of financial insecurity, and that you would never be financially secure without them
- They provided you with the most amazing sex that you've ever had, and you thought that you could never have such sex before, or after, the relationship with the borderline
- They appealed to your need for a 'soul mate,' being that person that you always thought you wanted to be with
- They made you feel like you were completed with that person
You can see where I'm going here. The BPD hook could be many different things, but something kept you hooked.
How To Get Out Of The BPD Hook
Borderlines are like mermaids. They call you in, say things that keep you mesmerized while they take your dignity, self worth and self esteem. When they're gone, you feel lost, abandoned and an overall wreck.
If you're starting to understand what's happened to you (or what's happening), one of the most important aspects of recovering from a borderline relationship is to get out of the borderline's hook, or get away from their spell.
The only way to get out of the spell of a borderline is to determine how they have you hooked. To do this, think about what life would be (or is) like without the person you suspect to be borderline. What do you miss most?
You've just found the BPD hook that they're keeping you in with.
For me, the BPD hook that I was suffering from was multi-fold. I had just gone through a divorce, so I was quite insecure about my finances and my overall sense of security. In addition, my ex wife was quite a frigid person.
I was a gold mine for a borderline, and ripe for her pickings. She found me and exploited me right away, making me feel financially secure and fulfilling my emotional needs as well as other needs.
However, this was clearly at a price. She would alter between loving me dearly and ripping me apart, so it was quite the roller coaster ride. After nearly two years, I had to get off the ride. I left the relationship feeling like I was going to be alone, like no one would ever meet my sexual needs like she did, and I was going to be bankrupt.
Very quickly, I realized that things were not as bad as I thought, and all of my insecurities were put to rest. Life wasn't easy at first, but within a couple of months, things were moving in the right direction. Healing takes a while, and taking the hooks out takes some time.
Insecurities Are Just That -- Insecurities
What I learned was that all the things that I was so afraid of before I started the relationship with the BPD were not insurmountable. I was able to get over each and every one of those hurdles, and they weren't real. I was able to get by financially after the divorce, and I clearly wasn't going to be alone. Even my insecurities about finding someone that was not as sexual as a borderline were quickly put to rest.
BPD Hooks are tough for the Non, but once you realize how the BPD is hooking you into the relationship, you can quickly make yourself feel better, and eventually heal yourself in the relationship.
There is a wonderful life awaiting those that are now out of a borderline relationship. If you want it, you need to take the steps to get out, but it can be yours.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Living The Life of a Free Man
I've been spending quite a bit of time traveling, working quite hard, spending a lot of time in my career. I've also been spending quite a bit of time playing and practicing guitar, listening to quite a bit of music, time with the family, time working out, time reading, and time doing a number of things.
I realized something. I'm a free man. I'm completely free. I've broken the chains.
You don't know what I'm talking about unless you've been in a dysfunctional relationship, particularly with a borderline. You live a life where you're weighed down.
Weights Will Eventually Break You
It's true. The weights of a borderline will eventually break you, one way or another. I used to think that I was superhuman in terms of my will, my work ethic, my attitude...I wanted to be Father of the Year, Husband of the Year, Boyfriend of the Year, Worker of the Year. I was so driven, so hungry, so...energetic.
Then I met the borderline and started dating her. She took my energy and channeled it. She channeled it primarily to her, because of her needs, she could not be comfortable with my energy. Her paranoid mind thought that my energies would channel towards other women, other interests than her.
Slowly but surely, my energies mellowed, probably as a result of growth, as well as a result of being in the relationship. When I was in the relationship with the borderline, my energies were aimed at her. However, the weight of walking on eggshells on a constant basis, not knowing when she would snap, weighs on you.
I told her that I would have had a heart attack if I stayed with her. Stress related illnesses are just that, stress related. These relationships cause major stress on you. I used to smoke when I was with her, a habit I had given up before meeting her.
The borderline will eventually kill you, one way or another.
Want Freedom? Shed The Weights
You can give the borderline boundaries, but you need to be able to enforce the boundaries. You need to get to a point that when the borderline in your life acts out, you can react with indifference.
This is the only way to shed the weights of the borderline grasp. We Nons know that we live life with a cloud over our heads, always waiting for the borderline to snap, to get upset about something that we don't understand.
The only way to truly free yourself from the weights of a dysfunctional relationship is to leave it. You actually need to leave the relationship.
If you have a borderline partner that is willing to go to counseling and therapy as well as medication, this may be a solution. You also need counseling to better understand boundaries, a better separation of responsibility, and the like.
It's difficult, but you can free yourself from the dysfunction. The key to this is awareness. Awareness of the situation, of the behaviors, and all of the associated dysfunction that goes along with a relationship with a borderline personality disordered person. More on awareness in upcoming posts.
I realized something. I'm a free man. I'm completely free. I've broken the chains.
You don't know what I'm talking about unless you've been in a dysfunctional relationship, particularly with a borderline. You live a life where you're weighed down.
Weights Will Eventually Break You
It's true. The weights of a borderline will eventually break you, one way or another. I used to think that I was superhuman in terms of my will, my work ethic, my attitude...I wanted to be Father of the Year, Husband of the Year, Boyfriend of the Year, Worker of the Year. I was so driven, so hungry, so...energetic.
Then I met the borderline and started dating her. She took my energy and channeled it. She channeled it primarily to her, because of her needs, she could not be comfortable with my energy. Her paranoid mind thought that my energies would channel towards other women, other interests than her.
Slowly but surely, my energies mellowed, probably as a result of growth, as well as a result of being in the relationship. When I was in the relationship with the borderline, my energies were aimed at her. However, the weight of walking on eggshells on a constant basis, not knowing when she would snap, weighs on you.
I told her that I would have had a heart attack if I stayed with her. Stress related illnesses are just that, stress related. These relationships cause major stress on you. I used to smoke when I was with her, a habit I had given up before meeting her.
The borderline will eventually kill you, one way or another.
Want Freedom? Shed The Weights
You can give the borderline boundaries, but you need to be able to enforce the boundaries. You need to get to a point that when the borderline in your life acts out, you can react with indifference.
This is the only way to shed the weights of the borderline grasp. We Nons know that we live life with a cloud over our heads, always waiting for the borderline to snap, to get upset about something that we don't understand.
How To Be Free From A Dysfunctional Relationship
The only way to truly free yourself from the weights of a dysfunctional relationship is to leave it. You actually need to leave the relationship.
If you have a borderline partner that is willing to go to counseling and therapy as well as medication, this may be a solution. You also need counseling to better understand boundaries, a better separation of responsibility, and the like.
It's difficult, but you can free yourself from the dysfunction. The key to this is awareness. Awareness of the situation, of the behaviors, and all of the associated dysfunction that goes along with a relationship with a borderline personality disordered person. More on awareness in upcoming posts.
Monday, March 8, 2010
BPD Relationship Recovery Always Continues
This is the first post in quite some time -- a couple of weeks -- I used to blog nearly every day!
Things have been good here in my personal recovery land -- more on this later. However, I've been so busy -- work has consumed much of my time, and I've been trying to keep myself well-balanced with exercise and family time -- so blogging took a bit of a back seat. One of my large projects is finishing up, so I should have more time to blog moving forward.
With that said, I'll always try to blog at least once a week. If I'm not blogging that much, I've been consumed by work. Rest assured, I'll come back. This year, I'll do more blogging than in subsequent years. This blog is important to My BPD Recovery, and it's important to those who read this and benefit from this.
Back to Myself
With that said, I realize that I'm pretty much back to myself now. I've come back around, and my true self is here more than it's ever been before.
Strangely, I was hiking yesterday when I came to that realization. She is no longer the one that was it for me and has now gotten away. She is another girl that I was with, a girl that I dated, someone who has some pretty serious issues.
I'll continue to blog and to post -- I'll cover some critical topics, such as some of the things that borderlines do when in their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, contrasting this with their constant efforts to pre-empt you leaving them.
I Love Receiving Your Comments
Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments. I appreciate them and will publish them when they help tell stories of recovery and reveal elements of BPD relationship recovery.
With that said, I do not publish links in comments, and I do not publish any foul language. I have used such language on quite a limited basis if at all. I do not consider such language professional.
Continue to send me your comments and give me your feedback on what you would like to see published here.
Things have been good here in my personal recovery land -- more on this later. However, I've been so busy -- work has consumed much of my time, and I've been trying to keep myself well-balanced with exercise and family time -- so blogging took a bit of a back seat. One of my large projects is finishing up, so I should have more time to blog moving forward.
With that said, I'll always try to blog at least once a week. If I'm not blogging that much, I've been consumed by work. Rest assured, I'll come back. This year, I'll do more blogging than in subsequent years. This blog is important to My BPD Recovery, and it's important to those who read this and benefit from this.
Back to Myself
With that said, I realize that I'm pretty much back to myself now. I've come back around, and my true self is here more than it's ever been before.
Strangely, I was hiking yesterday when I came to that realization. She is no longer the one that was it for me and has now gotten away. She is another girl that I was with, a girl that I dated, someone who has some pretty serious issues.
I'll continue to blog and to post -- I'll cover some critical topics, such as some of the things that borderlines do when in their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, contrasting this with their constant efforts to pre-empt you leaving them.
I Love Receiving Your Comments
Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments. I appreciate them and will publish them when they help tell stories of recovery and reveal elements of BPD relationship recovery.
With that said, I do not publish links in comments, and I do not publish any foul language. I have used such language on quite a limited basis if at all. I do not consider such language professional.
Continue to send me your comments and give me your feedback on what you would like to see published here.
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