One of the worst things about being in a relationship is a borderline smear campaign. These incidents will often destroy a person, their integrity, identity and all that is good about them. It often takes a person years to recover from a Borderline Smear Campaign once they've been attacked.
What Is a Borderline Smear Campaign?
By definition, these campaigns are efforts that BPDs take to destroy a person's name, their integrity, and their overall reputation:
- If you've told the Borderline anything in confidence, they will violate this confidence
- If you've done anything illegal, they will contact the authorities and tell them about your illegal doings
- If you owe anyone money, have any outstanding bad blood, have done anything wrong, they will take this and use it against you.
You get where I'm going here -- a Borderline Smear Campaign is a negative campaign where the BPD will air all of your wrongdoings, in front of as many people as possible to make you look as bad as possible.
The BPD that I was with always talked about Bob and how he was such a charming man, but an ugly man under the surface. After they broke up, she was sure that he was convicted of charges and forced to go to anger management classes. While this is an extreme case, and I'm not sure how much of what she told me is real, she happily dragged Bob and his name through the mud.
With me, she tried to contact my ex wife, contacted ex girlfriends and tried to smear my name in any way possible. She had also threatened to contact my work and say bad things about me (I'm not sure what she could say). I told her that such actions would have repercussions that she would not like, and she knew that I would take legal action against her. Looking back, I again feel terrible for letting someone treat me like this.
Why?
Borderlines are black and white thinkers. They can love you more than anyone else, but once they switch and you become an object of your rage, they want to destroy you at any cost. They feel so terrible that they want to ruin your life and are not afraid to do whatever it takes to ruin your life, hence feeling terrible like they do. Misery loves company.
Protect Yourself
If you think that your partner is borderline -- or even close to borderline -- be sure to protect yourself from a potential smear campaign. Don't tell the borderline in your life about anything that is potentially threatening or something that they can use in your life. I know, in a normal relationship, you disclose anything, but borderlines can and will use this information against you. If you choose to be in such a relationship, you must protect yourself.
If you suspect you may be the object of a Borderline Smear Campaign, be sure to document everything. If you must, hire an attorney to defend yourself as well-- they will be impartial and can help you get out of trouble that you, while you are so emotionally involved in the relationship, cannot comprehend.
When I was in the relationship with the BPD, I lived with her for over a year despite the fact that she was collecting Social Security as a widowed woman. If they had discovered that we lived together, she could have had her Social Security taken from her; once she realized that was the case, she knew that she could not disparage my name without repercussions.
It stinks -- you don't ever want to be in a relationship like this where you can't be honest and open. But if you're in the relationship and you want it to be healthy, you must establish healthy boundaries, where they cannot abuse you and smear your name.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
36 comments:
Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.
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Oh how i can relate to this one ! smear campaiagns !
ReplyDeletei ended up always on the defensive and trying to protect my good name ( that is hard work )they do it to make themselves look good and use you as a tool to do it, very frustrating & if they are good liers you have a job on your hands trying to clear your name , this can be very upsetting.
i went back with the BPD after a 5 wk break and went with him to his local pub whilst approaching the bar the manager told me i was barred ! on asking him why ( as i was never in the pub ) he wouldnt tell me ! the BPD had been standing beside me and when i persued the bar manager for an answer the BPD walked away !!!! i was so hurt as obviously he had been frequenting the bar during one off our many splits and had told them some story about me.
i emailed the establishment asking them what i had done to deserve it but got no reply, i dont know to this day why but iam sure the BPD knows, when i asked him that evening he got angry with me and said that he didnt know & i should just forget it ! that troubled me a lot as to what other people were thinking about me but it bothers me more that they can actually do you so much harm.
This is obviously to convince themselfs/and others that us nons are bad people (how dare they )just another one good enough reason to end it and get out
People with BPD really can't say anything good about their exes can they? I don't get it. My ex bpd boyfriend spoke HORRIBLY about his each of his exes- with details of stories about them that made it believable. Of course, I ended up being one of them too and the stories he told were delusional.
ReplyDeleteHe told me that his ex before me stopped school teaching to be a stripper. That she was a stalker, psycho, a cutter (how interesting), and crazy. Turns out, she was none of these and was still a school teacher who ended up in therapy after her relationship with him also. He said these things about all of his exes. Including me.
Good news is that he didn't do anything legal wise or call my work- but he spread the word good and fast about how crazy I was. There was nothing good to say about anyone- and he gave details that were just lies about all of them.
i have indeed been a victim of these campaigns. on the hate cycle, anyone she could get sympathy from she would. air out everything, make things up. i feel isolated and alone. are mutual friends always end up choosing to help her. the thing is, i fully expect for this to get worse. it has never been this bad before and now that there will be no repairing it, the claws are really out. it is humiliating.
ReplyDeleteI have been the recipient of smear campaigns from my bpd ex 9 times not in the last 2 and a half years, and wish I would learn, each time she ends up contacting me again months later, sending talkative nice texts, after having been so nasty to me in the past. Then we end up seeing each other again. Nothing is taboo to her, everytime she has gone through my journals, emails, my private things, constantly digging looking for things or reasons to make a problem (after the honeymoon period ends), everything I have told her in confidence, personal things, she has shared with others. She has people believing I am the one with bpd. She is attractive, and very good at getting others, especially men, to help her, she uses them, and makes herself look like a victim all the time. You would think I would have learned by now from past experiences.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up, I remained in my dysfunctional relationship for two years and after several 'breakups'. And this was after she majory smeared me after the "honeymoon" affair. Off the top of my head...
ReplyDeleteshe called my boss and left a nasty voicemail. He being a clinical psycologist told me to stay as far away from her as possible. 2 months later I got back with her, I should have listened...
she emailed my parents accusing me of the most horrible things imaginable and shared my own dysfunctions with my parents. My mother cried from what she wrote.
she contacted my exes, my ex wife (the uBPD was the woman I had the affair with), and a female I was seeing and told them I had given her an STD (I was tested and sent my neg results to them) but that ended that relationship. My ex wife said she could forgive her but never me after that.
she smeared my name with all our mutual friends, in fact I once heard that she had accused me of seeing call girls! No wonder her best friend thought I was crazy and literally hates me.
she contacted one of my friends/coworkers and said nasty things about her, then blocked her on facebook when she did not side with her.
she posted things on online forums for all the wqorld to see
I've had at least 2 "male" friends of hers threaten me if I did not leave her alone when she in fact was the one contacting me.
she called the police on me days after we had slept together when I wen tto her parents home to confront her about having her male friends threaten me.
she called the police and filed a report that I had stolen her laptop when all I had done was taken it in to get fixed and she knew where it was located.
she called the police to say I was stalking her and that although she didn't want me to get in any trouble (then why call the police dear?).
she called the police on me and accused me of threatening harm to her and the police because I held her during a psychotic rage. I was freaked out and they made me leave the house and I had to stay in a hotel that night.
she made comments about an ex friend of mine that she still communicated with (because of what she shared with him...) being jealous of me (because I was with her). Who knows what he heard from my ex wife and her....
she would make terrible comments about her exes and other men she had slept with (even the guy she was with again before our last breakup). Yet she commented to a friend about thinking about getting into a relationship with him.
she made terrible comments about her best friend of 31 years to me all the time.
she made negative comments about her 'friends' to me all the time, yet she still hangs out with them all the time.
This part of leaving a BP makes me sick to my stomach. My exBPgf was the aggressor in a physical altercation that finally ended our up and down, on and off 2 yr relationship. She punched, clawed and kicked me while in a rage and finally grabbed my genitals and yanked! While defending myself and trying to get her to let go I landed a couple of blows to head. She then went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a concussion. Now she has been telling mutual friends, family, and even some of MY friends that I beat her, put her in the hospital and was the abuser. UNBELIEVABLE!!! 3 months after this event I am still being approached by people asking if I beat up my ex. Their jaws drop when I tell my side of the story and its leaves both of us looking bad. I'm just sick of it. BPD has to be the worst thing for an individual to have to suffer with, but a close second is the significant other having to deal with it. What a waste of 2 years...loving someone with all my heart and soul and yet the end result is this. I'm not perfect and I made my mistakes but DAMN!!
ReplyDeletei feel you so much
Deleteits good to know im not the only one going through the same things
i have never ever in my life hurted someone physically but somewhere you Have to defend yourself this is what İ did to İ feel so bad but it is her fault she made me do it as if she wanted me to finally beat her İ do meditation İ never never expected me to be like this person
bpds get the demon out of you is scary really it makes me so sad i was always such a positive and cheerfull person
İ need help İts like İ cannot breathe even that is wrong she can get even mad at the way i breath
I was a part of an abusive bpd relationship for 6 years 3 years married. It always starts off good the bliss....I couldent pick up on the obvious clinginess but broke up with her after she called me 15 times a day....Her family kept telling me how much she loved me and gave me her abuse sob story to reel me back in....After we got married and I saw the ugly side to her personality her family bailed told me thats my issue now they are out of it and laughed....She was constantly blackmailing me and trying to extort money out of me....she controlled the finances I lost my car....all of the money in my acccount she took it then up and left out of the blue and took everything I had in the house....later after she admitted to having an affair told me she wanted half the house and I made her do it...these psychopaths know no boundaries....NO CONTACT after you break up with them is the best advice period....I woudl, have saved myself a lot of grief.
ReplyDeleteAs a therapist I should have know better than to stay but I bought into how in comparison to all the men who screwed her I was the ONE. Then over time could not do anything right.Then it became everything wrong was my fault and everything she did wrong was still my fault. All her affairs were because of me and when decided to leave all she was gonna ruin my career as a mental health professional
ReplyDeleteThe calls to friends only gave them a taste of how crazy she was. I joke now she was like in the movie the exocorist, she could say I love you and spin her head around and rage so much that I told her if she were in the clinic I would have her hospitilized. I now look back at all the tales she told of her ex's and now know I am one of those tales
I can now look back at how my BLP would go into the rages yet not remember them. I had a surgical repaired shoulder and once while in a rage I realized she had my hand and was pulling down trying to rip my shoulder out of socket, I am a therapist and should how know better but I WAS THE ONE until like every one found to have issues. Funny heh coming from some one with a boat of issues. Yes my ex threatened my job took everything after having mutiple affairs and cried again how another let her down.
ReplyDeleteWhen we broke up, I found out my ex told everyone that I "insisted she stop seeing her sailing buddies." WHAT? I'm a full-time grad student going to school from 8-5. I have NO time to even enforce something so ridiculous. She told everyone how controlling and "borderline violent" I was. I never laid a hand on her nor her properties. When I decided to get rid of her belongings, she "felt so threatened" that she "lived in fear" and called my boss and informed her of our falling out. I was a babysitter by the way. How was someone suppose to trust me with their kids after that? Yet, all I did was tried to move on with my life and wanted to give her back her belongings! In the beginning of our relationship, she gave me waaaay too much information about her exes and defended it in the name of "being vulnerable." Um, no thanks - I don't want to hear about how promiscuous you were before we met. All of her exes were mean, evil people who "controlled" her...Now, I'm one of those exes. I feel sick to my stomach writing this...
ReplyDeleteAfter me and my bpd ex girlfriend split and I stopped playing into her push pull games finally is when the real insanity started. We split, she wanted to get back together, then she wanted a split again after 12 hours, and so on and so forth. Then she would message me asking if I knew where to get cocain at 2am (I dont do drugs and am against them). Then she would get a mutual friend to make contact with me and feed me some sob story about her getting taken advantadge of. 2 Hours later I would get a sobbing call from her, and it was all fabricated bs. Once I showed her I just didnt care anymore she befriended all my friends she labeled as losers when we were together and that she never let me see. And tried smearing me, saying I cheated on her all the time, I caused all the fights (In her mind I guess It was all my fault) and even befriended all the girls she would always snap on me on for being friends with, she thought I wanted to cheat on her with all of them, and she tried to make them choose between me or her. After that she spread rumors thatwe split because I came out of the closet, and because I had gotten into drugs. Luckily for me her rep wasnt all that good to begin with, and it was only better because she was with me. She ruined her own rep completly after we split, and shes doing a bunch of blow, lost her job, dropped out, spiraling downard. And she almost took me with her. I really do care about her, but there is nothing I can do. And I dont think there is anthing anyone else can either. Kinda sad, there is a really beautiful side to her, but I know better. Dr Jekyll will always have Mr Hyde.
ReplyDeleteI believe I am dealing with an undiagnosed BPD ex-friend. She has 7 of the traits that make her possibly BPD. The biggest trait is that she "splits" in her opinion of all who she knows or deals with in our small town.
ReplyDeleteShe dropped me when I called her out on being unkind & now is on a "smear campaign" to discredit me, my husband, & children. No one will tell me what is being said, but it must be pretty bad because I have been glared at, dropped by mutual "friends, ignored, etc... even other parents I barely know are rude.
Unfortunately, my son participates in sports with her son & the mutual "friends" children. I am forced, by my choice to prioritize my son, to deal with the unkindness and rudeness by so many people.
I have been dealing with this for almost 6 months, have attempted to find out what is being said, only to be told.."i don't know".
I feel like I am reliving my jr High years.... I am exhausted!! Mentally exhausted with me smiling & pretending I don't notice the unkindness. Exhausted with the constant disclaimers of mutual "friends" that they don't see anything going on. Only for things to get progressively worse.
In the end, I have to take care of ME, & my family. I have to & will continue to be a positive person & never let her or anyone else see this has affected me. I honestly do not know what else I can do:(
I was part of a smear campaign by my BPH when I finally got him to realize I was serious about a divorce. I told him a few time it was over, but he just didn't seem to hear me. Our history: married one day and the anger and rage came out - almost didn't go on the honeymoon. We did go and I was shoved for the first time. 7 weeks after the wedding, he went into a rage and left the house, so did I and he changed the locks while I was gone and I had no legal recourse, so I got an apt. 6 months later, I foolishly moved back. At this point, I thought the diagnosis was PTSD. 3 1/2 months after moving in, I moved out for good. He was finally correctly diagnosed in December 2010 with BPD. He did everything possible to keep in contact with me and I refused to contact him back. When he finally realized I was gone for good, he told me to come get my things or he would destroy them. I went to the house (I still had garage door opener and keys) and he had me arrested for Domestic Criminal Trespass charges and took a restraining order out against me. I am 5'8", 129 lbs, he is 6'2", 240 lbs and owns 50 hunting rifles! I had to spend the night in jail and after three weeks of continuances, he suddenly dropped the charges. We had all the evidence, via emails and voicemails, that he lied, but never got to use them. However, I filed a DVPO against him, so he will have to give up the guns and sit in a courtroom and listen to the facts about himself, which show he is violent and dangerous. Yep, I was SMEARED by the best, a very sick man. But I am doing what I can to protect myself. However, I know my reputation isn't so good, due to the lies. Luckily, his only child knows he is a pathological liar and sided with me and has nothing to do with him. I wish I had been more aware of BPD and the havoc it plays on our lives. He quit therapy when he realized it was over, which told me he was only doing it to make me think he could get better. I have to wait a year to get divorced, so that will be in the fall. Now I am dealing with taxes and how to divide things - doing so through lawyers. I wish this was just a nightmare and not my life!!
ReplyDeleteYesterday my BPD ex was sending me emails like, "I had a dream and in that dream your death was revealed to my eyes...pray because its fast approaching the day when you will no longer walk with the living is upon you." If that wasn't unsettling enough, then he started incessantly calling my work and threatening that he would tell my boss every single thing I have ever said about her when I would vent to him. Of course this was not the first time, but this was my punishment for not calling him back, even though I told him I can't have any relationship with him if he doesn't get help. I was so scared that I said I would do whatever he wants me to do if he just stopped. My boss said if she talks to him she won't believe a word he says but I'm worried - for instance, I took something kind of valuable from the lost and found and gave it to him a couple of years ago...I know it is horrible. What if I am always forced to stay in contact with him and never move on? He has absolutely nothing to lose by ruining my life and I feel hopelessly stuck and alone. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI live in fear that I will run into one of my ex bpd boyfriend's friends. The stories that man told me about his ex wives and gfs were absolutely horrifying. I thought they were awful people that should be in jail! Now I'm sure it's me he is talking about. I gave him plenty to discuss too. During the break up I called him 25 times a day crying why why why! I cut my hair very short and sent him mean emails demanding my things back. It felt as if I had "caught" bpd. What a weird and horrible addiction. I would step out of my body and not be able to recognize myself. I had turned into a complete nut job but no one seemed to understand that his abuse and strange behavior had fueled me. He saw me on a Saturday morning, gave me an extra long hung, was crying, and the next day my friend calls to tell me he's already on a dating site. After just 2 months of me crying in my pillow I hear he is engaged to be married to someone he met just 8 weeks prior. What? We were together a year and were soul mates! The intensity was something he said he never felt before and that I was his angel from Jesus. I ended up in a psychiatric out patient program that set me straight but it was a long painful road that frankly, has still left me completely befuddled. What do I say or how do I act if I do run into him or one of his friends? I live in fear of this scenario. According to him, I am the devil and out to destroy everything. I have been able to stop contacting him but still check out his facebook daily! What the hell is wrong with me and how long will it take for me to be the warm, confident, calm, tender woman I once was? Any advice on how to manage one of his friends seeing me in public?
ReplyDeleteMy exBPD and I were married 11 years, together 13. The saddest thing is that we have a child together, and though he posts on Facebook how horrible I am and how I keep him from his child, it's all lies. He doesn't care about her enough, just using her to get back at me. The smear campaign is unreal, people believe his lies. Being with him was hell, the anger,tantrums, and I always believed him. He is a cheater, liar and manipulator, an expert. I am slowly coming back to being me.. I lost myself for many years. I choose to ignore the lies and concentrate on my child and myself. His GF who he was cheating on me with while married has no idea what is in store for her.. I feel sorry for her even after she smeared my name from what she was told without even knowing me. He is that good at projecting and manipulation.. how sad.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary to me how many people have this tale to tell, and how similar they all are. Are there that many BPDs out there? I guess it's makes you wonder when you hear bad things about someone...what is really true, and what is an amazingly clever manipulated story. I have also experienced the smear campaign - each time we broke up. He would resist having us spend time as a couple with some of our old friends - because he had told them a bunch of awful, untrue things about me. Kind of hard to explain why you are back with such an "awful" person and acting all loving again.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately we work together too. So, he has slowly managed to push me out of all of our old social circles. He's told everyone that I am not trust worthy. He has used details I shared in confidence with him against me in the most twisted ways. And the odd thing is, I think he convinces himself that his new story is the true version. It makes me feel physically ill to know that he thinks those things - and says those things about me - and there is nothing I can do or say that will change it. And it is so hard not to feel like the crazy one when it is all around me at work and in our small community. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I have to constantly talk myself down..
I am married to someone with BPD. We have a 2 year old boy. I have just recently found out what this tornado of emotion was about. I don't know how to tell her that I need her to get help. I'm terrified to leave her and her abusive ways because I'm scared she will redirect the abuse onto our son in my absence. I almost feel worse now knowing that she's sick than when I thought it was just me and that I didn't fit into her life. While everything is so much clearer now. I've never been so scared and have never felt so helpless. The abuse has driven me into a deep depression and high anxiety and I really feel that I have no where to go and no one to turn to. I DO NOT feel like a man! I'm constantly scared and shaking and I don't know what I am or what I'm going to do. How do I protect my son and myself when no one else who knows her, really knows her?
ReplyDeleteThese stories all ring alarm bells. I am not alone, thank god. Divorce,smear campaigns, blame, black-and-white thinking, abuse, the emotional the worst. I am now bankrupt (because of her debts) lost my home, lost my job because of all the stress, ended up in counciling, to understand the reasons why, why me? The conclusion, I trusted someone and one time loved that same person. Today, and everyday is a road to recovery, I will get there but the damage is done. I lost all sense of everything for a while because of her behavior. I have learnt not to hate but to pity her and the behavior as she and it will never change. Good luck and peace to everyone on their road to recovery. It is not you and never doubt yourselves as it does become clear, eventually to everyone who needs the help.
ReplyDeleteMy god! This all sounds so familiar!!
ReplyDeleteThey sociopath waif BPD finds third-parties to control to control--psychologically, socially, financially and weight...you can't get away ever...they are obsessed. My 'stalker' situation has been going on for approx. ten years. ‘No Contact’ may sound good but it doesn’t work in reality—just third-party ‘baiting’ techniques and ‘victim-playing’ as they are destroying your life…as the victim…and contacting your manager with lies every time you tell the truth…so now I don’t work and she’s still a lawyer I met for a couple of minutes at best at a picnic…lose-lose…BPD…control all people at all times—stalk, blackmail, manipulate, control…all because I wasn’t interested in her…her smear campaign took away my entire life as planned—she had her closest person say ‘we are going to ruin your life’ ten years ago then they did…they would say things like ‘we figured out where you live’…
ReplyDeleteStalked by a Crazy Person
I am only a few months out of relationship with exBPD. I know I still have a lot of healing to do. I felt bad for her for a bit right after. But soon realized (her lies, all of it, all of them about her ex friends, our current friends, her family and her exes) that she had just manipulated me into feeling sorry for her and all these horrible people in her life and the horrible way they treated her and she just had to break up or distance herself from them. Then, a mutual friend contacted me one day and once I met up with them, they showed me texts from my ex starting the smear campaign. Really???? Luckily, anyone who knows me, knows none of it is true and anyone that knows her, knows that she is off her rocker. Of course there will always be those few who believe her b.s. and get sucked in to the chaos... I should have known after hearing all those things about everyone else in her life that it would be different with me. Obviously I was fooling myself.... I definitely lost myself during all this and still am a little lost. But each day I have to remind myself it is not something I ever want to be involved with again... Not worth it.. Ever...
ReplyDeleteI come from a family with borderline parents, and 5 children. (Two of the children also exhibit BPD) I was the 2nd youngest. I cannot remember a time in my life when my parent's hadn't alienated people from us. I have never had all of my siblings acknowledged by my parents at one time, since we were in grade school. As the kids reached adolescent, my parent's would begin a 'smear campaign' against one of them, and banish them from the family. They thought nothing of putting a 15 year old out on the street, and telling the remaining children we were never to speak their name again. If we were caught having anything to do with the banished person, we were considered disloyal, and banished from the family,too. My only brother was banished for 25 years because he had to work, and couldn't come over and shovel their driveway after a snow storm. My oldest sister was admitted into a mental institution at the age of 16, because my father caught her driving around with a girlfriend. She had been told not to hang around with her.
ReplyDeleteI can still remember at the young age of 8 years old, being told my sister was a filthy animal, and a pathological liar, and we were to consider her dead. I was told all of this while my mother threw her belongings into a trash bag and threw them away. When she was finally released from the mental hospital, she was out on the streets-alone. It wasn't until she married, and her 1st child was 8 mths old, that my parents finally accepted her apology.
My mother loved to pit us against each other, and then gang up on the victim. You did not question anything they said or did. My father was Chief of Police in the city I grew up in. As children, none of us had a place to turn.
The five children are now adults ranging in age from 50-60. Recently, my father passed away. At the time of his death he was only speaking to the oldest child,(the one he placed in a mental institution)and requested nobody be told of his death. It wasn't until 8 months after he died that I found out he was gone. The pain is/was enormous. I had worshipped him, as all BPD people require, and he died without ever seeing me. At the time of his death I had not seen him for 7 years.
Even while I write this, I find myself overwhelmed by all of it. It is so much to take in; so much to explain. I want desperately to stop typing and never tell my story. I am filled with shame. It is difficult to put into words the hell we all lived through. The hell we still deal with on a daily basis.
My mother and oldest sister never told anyone when my father died. Recently, when I ran across a memorial for my father on the internet, I wrote a tribute to him. My oldest sister read it, and immediately replied on his memorial site, that the site was for her and my mother ONLY!! She wrote a lot of stuff, basically telling me how awful I was. She is one of the siblings that I suspect also suffers from BPD.
Thank you for this site and information. It truly helps to know it's a mental illness. I would say that being a non-BPD, I most want people to understand there doesn't have to be a reason to be vilified by the BPD. Not a reason that most can understand anyway. That the smear campaigns are debilitating. I have had my workplace called, and a false report filed at the police station by my mother, just because she was out of control with her rage. The injury a BPD inflicts on their victims is severe and permanent. I battle depression daily trying to live with the demons. I have come to the conclusion after many years that a relationship with a BPD is impossible. It may be wonderful for a while, but when they go into one of their rages, well, nothing is worth the pain they inflict.
For me, it was best to stay away from them. I love them, but they have no boundaries, and are poison when in my life.
A girl who only wanted a family
I posted under another thread but wanted to tell my story here because it's more appropriate under this thread.
ReplyDeleteI dated my undiagnosed bpd gf for 2 years on and off. I pulled back a few times in our relationship because of her non-sensical lies. At the end of Feb I pulled back again and then regretted my decision (i must be codependent) and after about a week thought I made a mistake. I went back to her and told her I wanted to get back together and I thought we could resolve our issues in therapy. I even asked her to marry me. She said she needed to think about things but we should go on a trip we had planned on 4/1 (Catholic Mission trip). I said I would go with her if we were working on getting back together otherwise i did not think it made sense to go away together. She assured me she wanted to try to resolve our issues and this trip would bring us closer together. We agreed that we would not date until we figured out what we were doing. At this time I had no idea she had BPD, didn't even know about this disorder. We went on the trip and had a great time. She was affectionate and we fooled around, she told me she loved me numerous times. At the end of the trip I found out she had a bf for the last 30 days and they were both in love. I was obviously shocked and upset to find out she lied to me and strung me along. In the heat of the moment, I sent her new bf a few e-mails with pics telling him she was with me on the trip, told me she loved me and we had sexual contact. Not the brightest thing I know but I was shocked she lied to me after being together for two years and I paid for her trip. She went ballistic and filed a restraining order against me based entirely on lies. She said I stalked her on this trip, that we had snot een each other in the last 7 months, that I had threatened her and that I got physical with her. All lies! I had to hire an attorney to defend me against the permanent restraining order. I presented a ton of proof that refuted all of her lies but then she hit me with a whammy. When our lawyers talked, her lawyer said she is now alleging rape. I barely ever raised my voice to this girl let alone get physical or rape her. As a matter of fact, I supported her, she did not work and I gave her a credit card and over 70 thousands of dollars in the last year. After her attorney saw all of our evidence and it was clear she lied about everything in her statement, she backed down on the PRO and we never heard anything more about the rape allegation. It looks we should get the whole thing resolved this week but i have been dealing with this for two months. I am still in shock. This girl had a beautiful side and I never felt so in love when things were going well. Then there were her lies, depression and constant emptiness. I never would have guessed that she could do something this crazy. It's like my best friend died and I'm grieving their loss.
I was friends with a borderlline female, I didn't know at the time that she was bpd but now I know for sure. She tuyrned all of my close friends against me she went to my church and told lies, she enlisted the help of my friends to smear my name in my community and she has gone through great pains to do this. I too am alone and isolated because I don't know what to do. This is very painful the sad thing is that I really tried to be here friend and continued to take her back in my world after several hoorible issues such as theft, sleeping with my family members and destoying my relationships with family and friends. I always saw that anger in her but could never identify where it came from. This is horrible to go through and no one understands
ReplyDeleteThis one goes out to "a girl who only wanted a family": Your story is utterly horrific and I'm impressed by your strength. I never post on these blogs, but you moved me.
ReplyDeleteI have recently come out of a year-long relationship with a girl who (in hindsight) is clearly BPD. She cheated, lied, blamed, accused, smeared, did all the classic things including filing harassment allegations against me with the police. I had never heard of BPD before her, now I consider myself something of an expert....
Being in a romantic relationship with a BPD is tough, but ultimately you can put it behind you, learn from it, and move on. (My family never really grasped why I found it so hard, they just think I was a naive midlife fool. But hey, there's probably a grain of truth in that too.)
But to have BPD parents and siblings like yours is a completely different story and I can't begin to imagine how confusing and bewildering your childhood must have been. Congratulations for remaining sane. I could not have done so.
To anyone who, like me, has only had a passing encounter with a BPD - we should consider ourselves the lucky ones. Take back control of our own lives, quit complaining about a ghost from the past, and thank our lucky stars we had the option of getting out permanently. Not all are so fortunate.
wow, reading all of this bpd stuff is like looking at my life all over again. i feel most of the time its my fault. she has ruined me finically, she stold money, she lied about taxes, she quit paying all the bills, she wrote upsetting emails to my kids and family members (yes my mom cried), she sold my classic hot rod, im on my 4th pfa, she fake 5 sugeries in a five month period, i can't get a job anywhere because i pushed her trying to get away from her. ive been to combat three times during my us army infantry carrer and being involved with a BPD person is equal or worse. I wish the best for ppl who have been smashed in the face by those bpd ppl. i wish nothing for the best health care can provide for ppl with bpd. good luck all and god speed with your recovery!!
ReplyDeleteMy mother was BPD and my adult daughter is also BPD. Thank God I now know what BPD is. I always knew something was "wrong" with my mother, her constant depression, hating everyone, fights, smear campaignes etc.. as a child I read so many books about mental illness, however I did not know about BPD until I was an adult. This is such a horrible condition that leaves you feeling helpless. My own daughter has started smear campaigns against me. I have had to file a restraining order against her. She has called my job manager as well as my friends whom I have known for many years. It is so sad to read the stories here.. I completely understand why we must avoid the BPD person, even if it's your own child. She has hurt me and so many others including her own children, and is on her fifth marraige. I wish I could have warned my former sons-in-law, but she can be so lovable if she wants something. I must live my life without her in it... it is so sad, she has had her eleven year old son send me messages where he is telling me that I am a sociopath and a abusive liar. I love him and I do not believe he believes all the lies about me.. but he will do anything to try to please her. I don't think she will ever be well, but I will continue to hope she can be free of this debilitating disorder.. I want to love her.. but I must stay away from her for my own sanity. Thank you for letting me have my say. Most folks would not understand..
ReplyDeleteAnd I can relate to the relationship with a BPD woman being less stressful than actual armed combat. I would rather go back to the Persian Gulf, or Afghanistan than to deal with my BPD exGF. She is truly insane.
ReplyDeleteJust broke up with my BPD girlfriend for the sixth or seventh time, I don't count anymore. The amount of pain she inflicted on my mind is unbelievable. I was in state of limbo for last six days, more dead inside than alive. She was emotional vampire that sucked my soul dry like some kind of dementor. In first all was perfect but soon enough after some 3 months of relationship the real face of evil started to appear and slowly started to manipulate every aspect of my life. I am codependant and she used this side of me as my greatest weakness. The accusations of adultery were a regular theme and I used hours to convince her different. The timing for this accusations was always when i was tired or in relaxed state of mind. I gave here ultimatum, therapy or breakup. She went to therapy for six times and said that she don't trust the therapist. After that i gave here one more chance to go to therapy and she said she would go and do anything for relationship. She lied, she made appointment and then said that she cant go because she must be at work at that time. Every trip to beach was trip to hell, except when no one were there. She accused my mother directly of interfering with our relationship and my friends as stupid and in no position to give me advices on relationships. The only one who understands you is me, she said. Then she removed me from FB as boyfriend and started placing sexy photos of herself. I reacted, I was angry and told here to remove that photos. She removed me as friend instead and started going out frequently. She accused me as main problem of our relationship and that i lacked ambition and maturity in life and that bothers her. The amount of toxic slime I feel on me is like some kind of spell. I cant sleep, i developed harsh rash on my face, I have no money because it's all spent on trips and presents, my job performance suffered and I have shutt out friends and family out of my life. But I feel lucky that I found strength to get out this abusive relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I can give after being married very early in life for 3 and 1/2 years to a BPD (with comorbidity with at least Histrionic if not other disorders), divorcing, and trying to save my two children from their morbidly diseased mother for the last 14 years, is to go about your life as you would. DO NOT engage the BPD in any way unless required by law-being served with a subpoena for instance. BPD's are pigs, and ANY interaction with them is rolling in their mud, they love it, and it only gets you dirty, sometimes irreparably so. So NEVER engage them unless you absolutely must, no matter now badly you want to strike back, that is exactly what they want, because then of course you're the bad guy. Also, the people around such filth eventually know, although it might happen too late to save your relationship with them, you have to accept there is significant collateral damage to having such evil in your life, even for a short time, and you simply must cut your losses and stay as far away from these creatures as you can. It really will only harm you the more you deal with them, no matter how, as their lives are already lost and they have nothing to lose, only you do. Psychologists may call these people BPD's, but if there is such a thing as true evil, these sub-mutants are it. Just get away, and tell everyone what the BPD is so they can at least know and make their own decision.
ReplyDeleteWow, I am so glad I found this site. It helps to know I am not alone (although it's sad at the same time as I do not wish anyone to go through what I have been through). I was almost questioning my own reality after having a sister with BPD (and most likely a combination of other personality disorders) and also being married to one (working on getting a divorce). It's like these type of people find me somehow. I don't know how because I'm not exactly a wallflower type and speak my mind.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking that they purposefully find strong, successful people that they are jealous of and start breaking them down. It starts very subtle, with their slowly ruining your reputation and your relationships and also building up theirs at the same time. Let me tell you, these people are MASTERS of manipulation and strategy!
My younger sister began her plan years before I even realized it. Being that she was my sister, I knew she was jealous but I underestimated how much and was more focused on trying to have a working relationship with her. Mistake #1: Don't give them the benefit of the doubt on ANYTHING! They start by making small comments about you and are great at using reverse psychology. For example, they may just say, "Last year when my sister was having a breakdown, I was so swamped with helping her that I couldn't get my schoolwork done." In reality, of course there was no breakdown. They try to make it seem like it's a comment about ordinary life when it's all lies. And of course, they tend to make themselves look good in these comments. Other people just assume it's true..because you're related so why should't it be true and why would a family member (or someone you're dating) say such bad things about you, right?
My sister had been seeing the school psychologist since her first year in high school, though no one knew. She'd even manipulated the psychologist and would go see her just to avoid going to classes or to make up excuses on why her grades were so bad. She'd make up stories about her being abused, frequently cry when she didn't like the grade that she got or when someone wouldn't do all of the work for her. My parents and other siblings were at fault for enabling her behavior in this way. TRUTH: People with personality disorders continue their behavior mostly because the parents and people around them don't set good rules and boundaries. They know they can get away with that behavior if they have a big enough temper tantrum.
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Do not let BPD people know any detail of your life. Try to keep your online life private and as well protected as possible so that they can't snoop and find out who your friends are. Change your name even. Call the police on them anytime they are on your property and are unwanted. You must start proving how they are stalking you.
ReplyDeleteI also believe these people are pure evil. They enjoy torturing you. They have no boundaries as to what they will do. Don't even bother trying to get them help. Just run far, far away and FAST. They usually pick only 1 victim so to everyone else who knows them, they're completely normal.
I really think we should start a BPD support group for those of us who have visited this page. I will try to set up a support page on Facebook. Just create another anonymous Facebook account with a fake name and join the group. I'll post the website here soon. It's important that this account not be linked to anyone else so that it's completely confidential.
I wish you all the best! You are not alone!
To "a girl who only wantd a family,"
ReplyDeleteReading your post was almost like reading my own life. I, too was the 2nd youngest of 5 siblings. I also went through the whole banishment punishment of other siblings and was even banished myself and was homeless for a while at a young age.
The great thing is that we can all connect with one another because we have been through the same experiences and know better than to believe any lies from these BPD people. I'd really like to see if we can start an anonymous support group on Facebook.
Right first of all before i go about saying my experience with a bpd.. Its not their fault they probably suffered abuse as a child and this is a way to cope. Which is what my psyscologist said.
ReplyDeleteI dated a girl with bpd for 5 months, there were good times but there was equally really hard times, doesnt help that i suffer from depression.
We split up as she started to believe that i was a naraccist, an accusion from my babymum. I said that i used her (yep, i regret it, because it wasnt true) thats when hell broke lose. Shes smeared me on facebook in which ive retatlited back at her. She publicly put our sex life on facebook, and i called her a whore, a slut to her inbox.
I dont want to get back with her, it woulsnt work eithee way.
She has difficulty in her mind, which causes anxiety and me to flip out due to my overtgibmj
I am putting this up as its really not her fault. I just overreacted. And dont want people slagging people who were abused as children down