I'll never forget the first time that the BPD said I hate you to me. I think it was accompanied by a right hook.
I wasn't used to people saying that they hate me. By practice, I never say those words for a number of reasons, but primarily because it is such a hurtful thing to say to another human being. The word hatred is also such a strong word that it's quite painful for the recipient.
Black and White Thinking
In the BPD's world, hatred is a simple thing. Given that they think in terms of black and white, everything is either great or terrible. So, they either love or hate things, including people. There is no grey thinking the borderline world.
The BPD will react as strongly as the words Hate also describe. That's how I was hit by the BPD when she was telling me that she hated me. It was the hardest I had ever been hit, like someone had knocked my block off.
When you go back and look at all of these things that you took, that you accepted, a part of you feels so shameful that you cannot even tell others, and you cannot write about it. You shut it out.
That part, without a doubt, is part of the Post Traumatic Stress disorder. Look for more of this in upcoming posts.
As a Christian who has a humanistic outlook on life, I don't try to hate anything. I don't think that I hate anything at all. However, in the underdeveloped mind of a borderline that thinks black and white, hatred is a common and usual term.
Two years ago, when I was emailing the BPD back and forth after she had stormed away from me, she had written "I hate you" fifty different ways.
I wrote "I love you" fifty different ways, and she wrote "I hate you." Now there's contrast.
It's the language we use. Most of us that live in the world of grays; most of us that live in a world of goodness would find that the word hate not an acceptable world.
When you think from a black and white perspective, it's all about you. Hating someone is normal. So, BPD hatred is real from the perspective of the borderline. Everyone that lives in their world also feels the wrath of BPD hatred, so it's real for them too.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
11 comments:
Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.
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This was and is one of the biggest struggles for me. I had not experienced such a change of emotions from a human being for some perceived slight, a mess up on my part (I'm human and I messed up), or a mood shift. It would turn on a dime and drastically. I don't think anyone with borderline personality understands how it kills someone inside to be told "I hate you" or be raged at with such hate filled words. Then later on be told "listen, I love you." F&*k it causes such confusion and takes a bit of self esteem away from the non each time it happens. I have known a jerk or two in my life, but my ex boyfriend said the most hateful words to me. No one deserves that kind of treatment- from someone ill or not. I remember feeling like I had to throw up when he would rage at me. To this day, I still still still think in my head what would was so "bad" that it caused such hate from someone.
ReplyDeleteAt first it was the I hate you or I don't love you that hurt but the worst, the worst was after the major breakups (yes there are major and minor breakups with a borderline, majors tend to last several weeks to several months) was the ignoring and indifference. It was as if she just did not care, sure she said she had to move on but she always never returned my things (reason to get back together) and she was the one who initiated each physical get together i.e. come pick me up, etc.
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ReplyDeleteThe hate is I suppose as real as the love. In other words, seen through a prism of 100% about them , in that moment. I have tolerated the ups and downs of a BPD on and off for years --being the person's only rescue from a fall to the bottom ( I know, I know..). Logically, she knows without me she would have been homeless at times. But, that wont stop a foul mouthed vitriolic profane text calling me the worst sort of beast. All it usually means is, after doing 100 things right, and doing one thing wrong ( in their mind) you become totally scorned. Hence the black and white. I am currently ignoring anything childish from this person. They will either attempt to be normal ( just attempt) of I am forever done.
ReplyDeleteI cant begin to tell you how my relationship with a BPD woman affected my life.It was absolutely wonderful in the beginning. She made me feel loved more than I had ever felt it in my life. Then for some reason, without explanation, She went from loving me (we were talking of marriage), to acting as if she hated me. Then she just kind of went away....gone. Now she acts as if we never were a couple, complete indifference. I honestly feel as if I have been emotionally raped. I feel like I'm recovering from a major illness. I'm alive, but I'm not the same.
ReplyDeleteI was separated when I got involved with I think is a BPD gf it was the most intense thig I have ever found I love her so much it hurts..But I still had not gotten a divorced when I told her I had to take care of the issue I was split black.. I have a child and I didn't want him hurt so I did what I had to so he would understand.. But my GF decided I was wrong and I have been paying for it ever since. I have not spoken to her in months and the smear is horrible. She has accused me of stalking and wants me in jail from what I can tell. And I have had NC with her I guess the question is do they ever split you white again it has been 4 months. Part of me says run for the hill the other say stay and help her but how..
ReplyDeleteListen world yes you! If you are reading this then you are blessed and there is hope for you!
ReplyDeleteGet out as in yesterday!
If you think it is strange and bad just wait it gets even worse!
If you could see the messages she sends her friends about you and how she is having sex with other men and not telling you you wouldn't have much room in your heart to punish yourself by staying would you? Unless you need therapy and you want to fix her?
8 months with a bpd girl. She became paranoid after she got close to me. Accused me of cheating no proof...of course I wasn't cheating duhh but then it all started. Hell hating me hitting up my loser friends and random guys for sex to " forget about me" that is her level of mental health? No body really matters to a bpd person you are just an object a tool. The good and bad attention she gets feeds her crazy mind. Just walk away you are dealing with a person who isn't normal and cannot see reality in a healthy way. She stalked me after she broke up with me. Told her friends she was only with me for the sex...and then denied she said that. Trashed me to everyone projected all her subconscious sick sexual desires onto me and accused me of cheating on her then began her rounds of sleeze with random guys. Her family was so in denial they laughed at me and she told me they would get a restraining order or have me beaten up if I tried contacting her again. Wow is it any wonder why she has not received any help or treatment at all.Luckily the world is full of nice guys who are gullable that she can continue to pray on until something catastrophic happens to her and she is forced to get treatment. So go find a nice girl one that is sane. I will and I will be happy with the fact that I walked away from a hell.
Oh ya, the first time she told me she hated everything about me, I nearly fell off the chair. That was just before she split with me for the fourth time. I went from being the "one" to being the worst person to ever come into her life. After calling the police because I caught her in a lie and she did not want to face the music, I knew she had gone completely off the deep end. Always being the victim, now she is telling people I abused her and her children. It just never stops. I loved her like no other, but now that we are no longer together, as much as I want to hate her, I actually feel sorry for her. We were not even split ten days and she hooked up with someone else. I know that chances are her next relationship will end exactly the same way but in less time. As shallow as that seems right now, it's what helps me sleep at night.
ReplyDeleteWow, reading through all the comments describes my life EXACTLY. I can't believe other people have gone through this, too. I am the root of all evil in BPD's eyes. The Wicked Witch of the West. He will storm out of places that I walk into, has slandered me to everyone in our small town, told people I'm a stalker and called the police on me for the first time in my life when I did NOTHING. His level of hatred is truly delusional. And, he won't talk about it.
ReplyDeleteI've been painted black now for a year-and-a-half, still live in the same small town so I still run into him (I refuse to let him chase me away from my home) and now he is with someone else who is all wonderful and white. After a six year relationship (with some on and off) what in the WORLD did I do to this man who said he "loves me and that's FOREVER!" It's like now he's just upset that I'm just ALIVE. And, unfortunately, I loved him with my entire soul.
I met a Guy in July 2011 w BPD. I had a boyfriend for 9 yrs., that I had just broke up w 2 weeks before meeting my BPD. He made it clear-NO communication w my X.He asked me for a committed relationship. About 3 weeks into it, he asked me to go see his Therapist w him, due to not being able to perform. My friends said-RED FLAG and RUN. I DID NOT. Big mistake.He told me, he fell for me hard, I was the best. Called me every night to say-I love you. It was so intense and then the first thing I did wrong-it was the beginning to the end. A nightmare-Rages, Impetance blamed on me, Hating me etc., then joke was on me. He broke up w me on my birthday Oct 21st. I was SO emotionally scarred. I've been crying everyday. He mentally abused me. That should be a crime!
ReplyDeleteIs this forum still running? I just went thru the same thing! And he left me on my birthday as well!
ReplyDelete