The BPD and I had our first date at the end of January, 2006. It was a great date. We had our second date a week and a half later, as I had business the following week (I was the guest of honor for a Fishing Convention -- pretty awesome). Our second date was also great. By the end of the week, we had agreed to "be exclusive." Strange but cool.
Sign One: Not Genuine Conversation or Communication
Looking back, I don't remember every having such a conversation with Jennie -- being exclusive, that is. When you know, you know. You don't have to have a contrived conversation. But anyway, for some, I guess it's necessary.
In the fishing business, the winter is your busiest time. You're busy promoting your magazine, hustling from show to show. So that weekend, I had to stay down in Delaware and go to a couple of events. I was speaking at one event and attending another, so I was real busy. The borderline had her kids but had a wine tasting event -- I later learned that this was a singles event -- what ever...it didn't matter. We were in a new relationship, had just agreed to be exclusive, so I had no reason not to trust her.
Sign Two: Excessive Alcohol (or Drug) Use
I spoke with the Borderline the next day after her event. She sent me a text when she was at the event telling me that she was playing the tambourine for the band, then I didn't hear from her.
The next morning, she told me that she got so drunk that she had to get a ride home from a woman that was also attending the event. She was with her friends and they were going out in Morristown after the event, but she was too drunk. So, this woman gave her a ride home.
I believed everything she said because we had just agreed to be exclusive -- why would she not tell me the truth? Was she truthful? Doesn't matter -- if she was or was not truthful, that's her issue, not mine and not mine to worry about.
Sign Three: Constant Deflection, Devaluation and Rage
The following day, we talk. I have a meeting in the morning where I'm speaking, then I have lunch at my favorite bar and club, Seacrets. I'm the only person there, but I learn that they're having a great formal event that night. I tell the borderline that she should come down so we could go to the event together. She rages, and accuses me of having a date for the event.
Huh? I just agreed to be exclusive with you. Anyway, she calms down.
In the evening, I'm having dinner by myself at the local pizza place, and sending her text messages. Saying that I wishes that she was here with me so we could go to the event together.
The BPD suddenly rages on me, telling me that she KNOWS that I'm there right now and not to talk to her anymore. I try to call her to discuss and she's not answering the phone. I try to call her periodically throughout the night, and she never answers the phone.
Again, for all that I know, she could have gone out. I don't know.
I promised myself that night that I would never go to sleep again feeling like that. I had no clue what I was in for in the next two years. I wish I had kept that promise to myself -- I then knew how crazy the situation was.
Sign Four: Healthy Boundary Violation and Constant Testing
The next morning, she calls me and starts accusing me of going out. I told her that I didn't and that I tried to call her all night, emailing her as well. She told me that I could have sent the emails from my car on my laptop, to which I responded that I called her from my house phone.
After she realized how much she had screwed up, she apologized and said, "just delete all the emails and forget last night happened." I did.
We had scheduled to see each other for Valentines Day, right before I was leaving for Miami on business. Learn about what happened in Maimi and the Nails in the next posting.
The Borderlines are just so twisted & jealous I have also been punished like this !
ReplyDeleteThey are envious off you going anywhere , try to include them & they decline & then strange as it seems they then go on to punish you for something you havent done !
small example....i invited the Borderline for xmas dinner one year( i had already susspected that he had no money to get here as this was a normall occurance with him ie very irresponsible with money & i susspect a gambler too )Anyway he declined saying i have no money !!!! i think at this stage i was supposed to ( in his mind ) help him out to get to my house but instead i just said thats a shame ( i was pretty sick by this time off always giving him money, food etc )the invite was on xmas eve.
I was upset that we would not be spending that xmas day together but decided to put a brave face on just for my daughter and that i would try my best to have a good xmas with her, at 10am on xmas morning my mobile started bleeping and to my horror he was sending me pics off him and a woman (whom i knew) telling me that him and her were having a great time and what they were going to be doing that day (sexuall)it threw me into a state off hurt and panick so you see he spoiled my xmas double and all because he had no money ! so in his thinking he would reckon that it was i that ruined his xmas and this was his way off ruining mine !
lol....iam laughing now because its totall madness !
by the way...he did tell me a few wks later that he had made it all up ....DRAMA all at mine and my daughters expense just because he didnt get what HE wanted which was HIS fault
I experienced nearly the same situations with my ex. There was constant "testing" as in he would "break up" with me, then a few hours later send something like "I love you" or "I don't want this to end, let's forget the past." This happened about once a week or every other week. I was costantly accused of cheating- I stopped going out with my girfriends for fear of him freaking out. BUT- he would disappear and not answer his phone. It was a bizarre double standard. And if I protested to his disappearing, he would accuse me of being "controlling." BUT HE IS THE ONE WHO BEHAVED THAT WAY! Before I knew it, I felt like I was going insane.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy to get the garbage out of your head after a r'ship with someone who may have bpd. The threats, oh the threats. He would threaten to leave me weekly for some perceived slight. Or the communication that wasn't about real life, just about his victimhood or whatever.
There seemed to be constant "testing." He even joked (now its not funny) with me about how he needs to "stop messing with you because you have passed the test." But it didn't stop. And he seemed to like to "punish" me for something. Like working late- I would get yelled at or broken up with. Baited into some argument that got flipped onto being all me. Jeez, this crap is hard.
Hi
ReplyDeleteyes you do tend to become isolated , it wasnt something i conciously done but it just happens doesnt it ? as everything has to revolve round the Borderline you tend to forget about your own life !!
i would realise after say a couple off months how everything i done was for him , nothing for me this just creeps up on you without you realising it.
yes its hard but its better when you are out off it iam slowly reclaiming my life back my confidance, my self asteem , he stole it all from me and i let him ! god only knows why
my husband hangs up on me if i say anything he doesnt like. when ii call back he doesn't answer, when he decides to call he expects me to answer what a game of cat and mouse.
ReplyDeleteO I was actually a therapist who knew she was borderline after a year but I still got married even after all the rages
ReplyDeleteLoved how I could run into a mutual friend, say I was meeting Maria why not join us. Then when telling Maria so and so is here, watch her rage on the phone about everything and anything and not show up. Then I would have to make excuses for her sick behavior
I just got out of a relationship with a girl and I don't know if she was diagnosed with BPD, but I have been searching for answers and from what I have been reading about BPD and the effects it has on people, it sounds exactly like what I endured for the past 2.5 years.
ReplyDeleteShe would love me and treat me great, but when she was mad she would shut me out for days on end. A few times she told me how much she hated me, she hated her brother, she 99% of the time hated her sister, she had no close friends, Her moods were so out of control; one minute she was laughing and the next she was crabby, it was exhausting. She had zero energy and made comments that she didn't know who she was yet, and she was 26years old.
As I look back on it I am realizing that she never truly connected with me. She never wanted to French kiss me or "make out" and whenever I expressed discontent over this she flipped it around on me and it usually ended in her shutting me out for a day. She was never interested in anything about me after the first year of dating,she hid things from me and told lies, we never really talked deeply about anything,and she easily let something like the door being locked ruin her mood.
Yet I stayed with her for 2.5 years, and I really feel that I always did everything to cater to her, and was always trying to make her happy, or show her a good time. Since I met her I withdrew from all of my other close relationships, and despite all of this I miss her and love her more than anyone else I've dated.
I was the one who moved out and ended the relationship because I knew it wasn't right, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. She told me she was devastated and that she loves me more than anything, but she has blocked my calls and e mails and I feel so upset..
Any insight?
Bee
I wouldnt be upset about leaving a borderline. consider it a blessing that this borderline left you. I was in a relationship with one for nearly three years and the drama and abuse she heaped out was literally unbelievable. are u a sucker for punishment? cause unless you really enjoy extreme emotional abuse, i would literally run as fast as i can away from one of these creatures. they truly are the most horrible, twisted, most manipulative, decietful, abusive gremlins known to man. Consider yourself blessed that you got out so early. Mine got herself pregnant just as she sensed i was about to make a break for it. It took over a year and a half after that for me to finally get away, and she still stalks me now.!
ReplyDeleteA borderline and I recently broke up after 10 months. She told me she was going to 'learn to take care of me' our first conversation. We seemed to have so many things in common that I dismissed the rediculousness of her claim. She tied my shoes for me, praised everything I did, and we made love 5 times a day. A couple weeks in she freaked out on me for not sending her a letter I told her I wrote about her. She started to twist my words and accuse me of lying about nearly everything I said. She blamed me for turning negative and being controlling when I tried to talk to her about how what she was doing affected me. The negativity kept getting worse despite councelling and in the end she admitted she cheated on me five times even though she told me she promised God she would never hurt me and we would be together forever.
ReplyDeleteIt has helped me a great deal to learn about others stories and facts about bpd. I started to read 'I hate you, don't leave me'. The pain is getting better, though I feel like I was used and stomped on besides. I wonder why I still love this woman so, and fantasize about the day she comes back to me crying for me to take her back. What an effed up illness the way it makes 'normal' people feel mentally ill.
Hi, I'm suffering from BPD. For a long time, I thought it was normal. I was in numerous relationships that all ended horrible. Now I'm wth a guy who really does love me and wants to help me. I really hope I can beat this thing. It really sucks and it drains the hell out of me. It really contradictory because people with BPD are afraid of abandonment, yet all their behavior leads to it. Well wish me luck. I don't want to lose my bf.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if my ex had or has BPD but after reading so much about it I am almost positive he does. When we met it was like lightening striking. The chemistry was off the charts. He was saying he loved me after date #2 and about a week into it he was saying he was going to marry me and I'm going to be his wife. He put me on a pedistal so high that if it broke I would no less than break my neck from the fall. This is exactly what happened. Throught the first 6 months he constantly told me how happy I made him and would beg me never to leave him (even though I hadn't ever thought of leaving this 36 yr old man who adored and worshiped me). He was very jealous. If I didn't answer a text because I was out of went to bed he would get furious and try to argue with me. He would tell me how he is wanting this to last forever but I'm not giving it 100%. Then one night he broke up with me out of the blue. A week later he was back but didn't give me all that lovey marriage talk as before. I ended up leaving him a month later, missing him, calling him, and seeing him again. Well he was totally hot and cold for about 2 months. He would accuse me of having feelings for another man (which was insane to me) he would accuse me of seeing and sleeping with another man, (again crazy talk). I found myself walking on egg shells. He would go days without talking to me and then send a 3am text saying how mean I am and how I feel he is a burden. I would kiss his butt, we'd make up, he'd act like everything was fine, then he would blow me off and not talk to me for days and days. He dumped me again saying he never loved me blah blah blah. I cut him off completely after that. Weeks would pass w/o a word from him then suddenly a 3am text. He would start being sweet and then a complete 180 in 30 minutes or less. Calling me names, insulting me etc. I didn't respond to this and a week would pass and he'd contact me again wanting to "just be with me." I honestly thought he loved me LOL!!! I believe he was crazy about me and wanted to marry me and that is what kept me coming back for more. It was the way he made me believe he loved me but now I don't think it was ever real. One minute we are exclusive (even though we never talked about it after agreeing to talk again) all his words, then he would dump me saying he doesn't know how he feels, what he wants, he's so busy right now. I do believe I should run like the wind but leaving someone like that is very hard. I remember the loving things, like the cruise he took me on, he however, seems to only remember the bad things and acts as if there were never any good times. I know that I cling to the good memories and that is why I continued to talk to him, hoping to see that love again, but he never mentions them. He speaks as if he doesn't remember ever having any deep loving feelings for me.
ReplyDeleteMy BPD girlfriend just dumped this past week. Two days prior, she assigned me as beneficiary to all her money.
ReplyDeleteIt was 3 years of constant "I love you and this is the real deal" to you are not smart enough for me and you are a liar and a cheat.
My head is still spinning. Two days after she broke up with me, I find out she has invited her old boyfriend who is married and has a kid to come and spend the weekend with her at her house. # months prior to our breakup she went away to a convention and had all the signs of being pregnant. Guess what... Ive had a vasectomy.
Despite all this, Im drawn to her and want her to accept me back and say that I am her Knight in shining armor.
FRom what I am reading, this is truly a blessing and if I can maove on, perhapsmy life and sanity have been saved
I was in a relationship with someone for 6 years and after reading and research. I have came to the conclusion she was BPD. It was a volatile relationship from the start. Within 6 months i moved in with her and right from the get go she wanted to get married and have kids (thank god it didn't go there yet) We bought a home earlier this year and attempting to have a child. In moments of rage / frustration she would always break up with me (about 4-6 times ) in 6 years. I stopped counting. One day, she broke up with me for supposedly yelling at our dog and showed no remorse or empathy. 5 days later after I was gone she contacted me via email to reconcile. Which i was hesitant to do. Like you all, this was the hardest thing to do is to walk away. Unfortunately, people like this are emotional pariahs. Post break up I suggested to my Ex to get some type of therapy as breaking up with someone you bought a home with a month before is not right. He response was I should have never been in a relationship with you to begin with. LOL Wow
ReplyDelete