The Me Project Revived: Time for New Beginnings

 It's amazing how life changes and you evolve, but you're still the same old you. I've been out of the relationship that started this blog nearly 20 years. 20 years ago I was just falling in love, just moving in, I had just gotten divorced, and I was just moving in. I was having three hour talks, explaining to her how I loved her, I didn't do what she accused, I was only into her, and more, every night. It's amazing thinking about it. Looking back, I was so young, so naive, so willing to prove my love.

Now that I'm older, I've gotten wiser, not necessarily smarter, maybe a little more in touch with myself. I've been married 15 years, in a relationship for nearly 20 (after this relationship ended, I met my future wife but took it slowly), and have developed a love of life. I still have issues and challenges, but as you get older, you become more content overall and hopefully comfortable with yourself. 

So the Me Project Continues. I've been doing quite a bit of work on it, publishing a book focused on the recovery steps that I started here. I'm also moving the Me Project to Substack as the platform has new capabilities and will help with reviving the project. Here's the Substack site: Give me a little bit to get it fully up and running, but I plan on publishing weekly: 

Substack: https://djmercer1.substack.com/

Want to see the first culmination of all this work? You can buy the book that I wrote, Recovering Yourself from a Toxic Relationship: 

https://www.amazon.com/Recovering-Yourself-Toxic-Relationship-Project/

The ride continues.

BPD Relationship Recovery: Does it ever conclude?

    It's been so many years since my relationship with the borderline ended -- over 10 years at this point. Over the years, the BPD continues to be involved in my life in many ways, which I will discuss later in this post. You can recover from a relationship with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but the person, or those suffering from mental illness, may not ever be completely out of your life.

    There were reasons why you let the person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder come into your life. It may have been the place in life where you were when you met the person. It may be your upbringing, and maybe you were brought up, and therefore quite accepting, with a person who had characteristics that were similar or the same as those suffering from borderline personality disorder. It could possibly be that you were predisposed to join a relationship with someone suffering from BPD because of so many other reasons; most likely a combination of factors as well.

    Over the years since I have been in the relationship with the person who most likely had borderline personality disorder, many things have happened where the borderline was pulled back into my life. She called the police on me and accused me of doing various things. This included sending SPAM emails to her and breaking into her computer, as well as slashing the tires on her vehicle and breaking into her vehicle and slashing the leather on her seat. After speaking with the police and requesting that the police ensure that these accusations never occur again, any accusations stopped.

    The borderline continues to inject herself into life in various ways. My wife and stepdaughter saw her at a restaurant as the borderline sat almost next to them a couple of years ago. I was traveling and received a picture of the borderline, asking if this was her. Yep, it sure was. She had aged significantly (I have aged too, however, borderlines often look quite jagged as their stresses age them), appeared to have had some type of plastic surgery like botox or something, and continued to have anxiety, based on the conversation that my wife could hear her talking to her friend about. I now think about what I accepted and what I would let the borderline say about me, and I'm amazed. The person that I am now would never let anyone ever accuse me of doing the things that she accused me; I am a man of integrity and would never even think, let alone act, the way that she accused me.

    

Does BPD Relationship Recovery Conclude?

    You can recover from a relationship with a borderline and feel whole again. I personally feel like I live a blessed life, and I am amazed at what an amazing life I'm living. I appreciate my current relationship, my career, my personal and professional relationships, and so much of my life. The relationship with the borderline is part of me, made me into the person that I am today, and will continue to be part of me. I still look back, fondly on the good parts, and as a reminder of what I would never accept again for the bad ones. They were so acute that they stand out and are almost comical, but they still serve as a reminder. 

Five Years (Written Many Years Ago - 2013

I recently celebrated an anniversary of sorts -- five years of no contact with the BPD. That's right, it's been five years since I have been in that relationship.

Ironically, there are still things that still haunt me about her. I still watch out for her over my back, particularly when I'm in the mall or other places where she used to frequent. More on that in future posts.

You Can Live a Normal Life After a BPD Relationship

After living in the crazy world of the borderline, you can go back to normal. It may take you time to heal (and you may suffer some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), but you can get back to normal.

One of the most important parts of getting back to normal is severing as much contact as possible. Depending on the borderline and the severity of their illness, keeping contact with them can become a large liability.

At the end of the relationship, the borderline that I was dating was beginning to get violent. Not only that, there were times that, during an argument, she threatened calling the police if I came over.

The last thing that I want is to get involved with the law over a relationship. It becomes a game of 'she said, he said,' which ultimately is no win.

Ironically, I got a phone call from the police recently where she had contacted them accusing me of breaking into her computer, cyberstalking her and posting things using her Facebook account. She also accused me of breaking into her vehicle and marking up her seats. This had evidently not been the first time that she had contacted the police as they said that the year before, she accused me of slashing her tires.

Just so we're clear, at this point, I had been in a serious relationship and actually had married as well. I wonder what my wife would think it I had actually done this.

I actually went to the police station and had to issue a statement to these allegations. I asked the officer what I needed to do to make sure that these kinds of allegations did not continue. He politely informed me that he suspected that they would stop at this point. They have (this was in 2013).

Post script -- it's now 2017 (nearly 10 years after the relationship) -- I haven't heard from her at all. Things can get back to normal, but it does take time. 

The Road and Travels Continue

It's been a number of years since I contributed to this post as my life has moved on, and for the most part, I have recovered from the relationship. It took time, it was very painful, it required counseling, but it can be done. For those of you that are just getting out, I have felt your pain, and it hurts, no matter what you do. The good part of it is that you can get through it, and the pain will get easier, and will eventually go away.

I've written many of the insights that I'm about to discuss here, but they are worth repeating. First and foremost, make sure that you actually feel the pain. Don't bury the pain in alcohol or exercise (although my opinion is that you can't exercise too much) or another partner, as the pain needs to come out, and it will come out eventually in some ways.

Just as important, when you're ready to heal, you're going to need to do the work. This most likely means seeing a professional to understand what drew you to the borderline and how you got sucked in. I know that the borderline offered a lot of things to me that I had never had before and a (false) sense of security, so I fell hook, line and sinker.

You'll also have to be willing to make changes in yourself, which can be the most challenging. It's always someone else's fault - to harbor that blame and make healthy changes is difficult and requires commitment.

I'll try to periodically post as I continue my journey. Use this site as a stepping board to move on in your life. Show the healthy side of things and where you can go. Let's make the site a place where we can show the amazing things that you can do after living through a relationship with a borderline!

Red Flag Perfume

I was watching NBC's Saturday Night Live recently and saw a faux commercial called "Red Flag." It most definitely typifies the BPD persona -- when you watch it, it's quite funny and puts things in perspective.

As you recover from your relationship with the BPD in your life, be sure to keep laughing, and keep life in perspective. You're alive, you've survived, now you need to thrive. A BPD in your life makes thriving quite difficult, as you need to keep providing them with boundaries that they are going to continually violate.

Enjoy the journey, and keep laughing.

Relationship Recovery Step 7a -- Exercise!

I need to be sure to put this into the list of steps in recovering from the BPD -- or any -- relationship. You need to exercise when recovering from a relationship. Exercise is an important element -- something that you need to do for yourself -- and will make you feel better about yourself, about your situation, about life.



Why Exercise?
This is the Me Project. You need to focus on yourself when recovering from a relationship. Make time for yourself. Make time for yourself. Make time for yourself.

Clearly, the benefits of exercise are well-documented. Those that exercise live healthier lives, live longer, lives, etc. If you exercise, you also will feel better about yourself. You'll have more self-confidence and better self-esteem.

When I run, I solve the world's problems. The first mile or two is myself adjusting and settling into my breathing patterns, run cadence, and more, but then I put myself into a zone of meditation where I think through what's on my mind and work through my issues. I put myself into a near-meditative state.

I go to wonderful places in my mind. This is the result of the body's endorphin being made -- it gives you a near natural high where you just feel great -- about yourself and the world around you.

You just can't beat exercise:

• It's time where you get to focus on yourself
• It's time where you are working on your health and well being
• It's time where you get to concentrate and think about your world

There are many different types of exercise, from running to swimming to bicycling and weight lifting. There's one that fits your lifestyle and needs. Just start slow, and enjoy the time that you get doing it.

For those of you that are just getting started with exercise, the following books should help you get started. Enjoy!

BPDs and Cheating: Can The BPD Be Faithful?

I was thinking about the relationship that I was in with the BPD, and the more I think back about things, the more that I realize that she probably cheated on my, and I never knew it. I was ignorant, but when I think about it, the borderline got a sexually transmitted disease when we were together.

She accused me of doing something and giving it to her, but I didn't give it to her as I didn't have (and still don't have) that STD.



However, she was so accusatory about me giving her the disease that I never suspected anything until now, five years later.

It took me five frigging years to figure out that she was cheating on me. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine.

Time for the story.


BPDs and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

We had just moved in together, so I was a little in shell shock, a little still wearing rosy colored glasses, and in the midst of a 3 year divorce process, when the BPD contracts genital herpes. She tells me that I gave it to her, but I've never had it. I've had cold sores in my life, but I've never had genital herpes.

I told her that maybe she has cold sores (Herpes simplex 1) on her genitals, but she didn't buy it. It was a downright onslaught of accusations.

Frankly, the BPD had me so tied up in her accusations throughout the relationship that I was never able to clear myself of, until the very end of the relationship.

The BPD accused me of multiple things, and I was regularly taking STD tests to prove my innocence.

Ironically, during one of these exercises, SHE actually tested positive for HIV. Later this was dis-proven, but man, how the world can change so quickly.

After ending the relationship with the BPD, I once again took a STD test, but this time to be sure that she didn't give me anything funky when we were off-again, on-again.

Given the behavior that I saw from this particular BPD, I would venture to say that BPDs have a tendency to contract more STDs than the rest of the population. They're more sexually active and more reckless than the rest of the population. Further, their lack of boundaries underscores the fact that they will have unprotected sex.

Non's and Self Esteem Issues

Which brings me to my major issue when I look back. I was having major self esteem issues. Probably primarily because of the divorce that I was going through. Most likely I was subconsciously feeling like no one wanted to be with me, and this was how it was manifested. I let someone walk all over me.

When I think back about it, I should have come out at this BPD wondering how they contracted Herpes. I didn't have cold sores at the time and have no recollection of getting any in that time frame. She was the one who was fiercely insecure, not me, and the one who would disappear for a night.

In the end, all worked out. It was painful being with the BPD, but time has proven that I healed and exceeded my initial feelings of self worth.

Life is good -- it's taken time to heal, but things are real good. If you're not there, you can feel this way too. Don't let yourself not enjoy life and learn to love yourself.

I Sometimes Still Dream About The BPD

It's strange, but you still sometimes dream about the BPD. Real strange.

Last night I dreamed about her. It was strange -- I saw her somewhere. It was so strange that it woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back to sleep for some time.

When I saw her and we interacted, I think that it was the way I think she and I would be with one another -- quite guarded. I remember telling her about Jennie, and her making some comment where she's accusing me of treating her horribly, but now, I don't respond. I think I walked away from her, but awaited feeling the blow from her when she hit me.

Looking back as I write this, I guess it's a little PTSD. It was definitely strange.

The bottom line is that it takes years -- years -- to get away from the BPD person and to get them out of your head. Any relationship can damage you, but BPDs put a real hurting on you.

The nice thing is that you can shed the wounds, in time. The Post Traumatic Stress dissipates, and you're left feeling better than ever.

The BPD is left being an incomplete person that has difficulty assimilating into society and succeeding in relationships.

I'd rather have the temporary issues so I can feel better than ever.

Include Comments From BPDs on a Relationship Recovery Site?

I've thought long and hard about this, and I've gotten many, many comments from BPDs over the years.

I think I've published only one of their comments to date.

I've asked each of you, this blog's loyal readers, what you think about publishing comments from BPD. Some of you have said no way while others have said sure.

After weighing in each of your comments, I've settled that for the most part, this site will not publish BPD comments, unless those comments will benefit the person who is a non and recovering from a current or past relationship with a BPD.

Make sense?

In other words:
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs where they are just talking about themselves to make themselves feel good. I will, however, publish comments and articles from non's who are hurting and need to feel better.
- I will not publish comments (or articles) from BPDs who are providing comment or insight when it does not positively impact and help the non
- I will publish comments (or articles) from BPDs that help the Non heal and give them insights into the mind and behaviors of a BPD

I recently published a comment from A Rose Covered In Thorns (did I date you?) because it was so insightful, and it benefited the Non community if they read into the mind of a BPD. Excellent comment that was quite helpful.

However, for the most part, I'm not going to publish most BPD comments. They don't help us that are recovering from relationships, so they don't help the core goal of this site.

BPD Relationship Recovery Step 7: Find Spiritual Fulfillment

You've gotten out (or you are planning to get out) of a relationship with someone who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or you have gotten out of a relationship in general. You're healing, but you still hurt, Man, sometimes, the pain is pretty great.

Your healing process is okay, as you've found others that are feeling your pain, you've mentally committed to healing, and you're starting to do the work. You're also working on yourself, and you're not going out and drinking excessively, or doing other self-medicating activities.

Still, you need something else. There's something missing.

Spiritual Fulfillment Helps Make You Whole

Most healthy humans walk around this earth looking for some type of purpose and reason. Once our basic needs are met, we need to fulfill our more advanced needs -- Abraham Maslow, in his Heirarchy of Needs, refers to it as Self Actualization.

I'm sorry to say that so many of us are so broken, so painfully broken, that we can never get to a point where we can look outside of our tainted self. We are so sad, so hurt, so traumatized that the world is such a painful place and we are protecting ourselves from this pain.

These recovery steps help you start to clear away the pain that you're feeling. By interacting with others, you begin to trust again - you begin to trust others and yourself.

I'm all over the place here, I know, but back to my point. As you uncover more of yourself and shed the pain that you are feeling-- you're going to want more. Humans need to feel this actualization, which often comes in the form of spiritual fulfillment.

Why does this work?

If we're a part of something bigger, then we have meaning. If we worship a God, then we have meaning. We are no longer the center of the universe. Those that suffer from narcissism think that they are the center of the universe, so they are not part of a bigger universe.

Borderlines are usually quite narcissistic because they have to be the center of the universe in their minds. They cannot get away from their pain, their insecurities, their fears, so they have to be the center of the universe.

Those of us that were in relationships with Borderlines ended up putting the borderline in the center of our universe. Often, we had our family or our job or our friends or activities in the center of our universe. Clearly, all these things change, so our lives are not stabile.

Spirituality helps us stabilize ourselves.

I personally believe that my Lord and Savior is Jesus Christ, the son of God. However, I respect all religion, be it Buddhism, Christianity or any other religion, as long as the religion does not require violence and is based on love and spiritual fulfillment.

The Basics of Religion and Sprituality

There are many books that provide basic information on religion, but organized religion provides a solid foundation for healing. Good churches will actually help you get meaning, then will help you shed your pain, grow through your shortcomings and pains so you can see the world and live a more fulfilled life.

Through a good church, you could:
- Attend support group meetings
- Volunteer for helping the homeless and the needy
- Join a community of supportive, positive people

The list continues, but you see where I'm going here. The right church for you, be it a Christian church, a Buddhist Temple, a Mosque or a Synagogue, will give you a good foundation.

Borderlines and Spirituality

Many people who are suffering from BPD will be ultra-religious. It allows the borderline an outlet for much of their obsessive behavior and attitudes, to the point of unhealthy. There are stories (I haven't confirmed) that BPDs will often join cults and other groups like this.

Spiritual fulfillment grounds you, takes yourself (or your family or other distractions) out of the center of our universe, and keeps us well-rounded and grounded.

Recommended Readings:

3 Years

So, it's now past 3 years since I last spoke with my ex BPD girlfriend. Three long years. I read back to my first post, Heal, and how I felt back then. I think about my life now, where I am, and how far I've come. It's been a long road, there were tough times along the way, but life is good. Life is real good.

It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic. Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through (I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved). Also, I was not able to log in for a couple of weeks/months -- but I was still able to approve comments from my email account, so I continued posting your comments -- for the most part.

Personal Life Update

So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do.

My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.

My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown 16-year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments. My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly 12.

BPD Relationship Recovery Takes a Long Time

I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.

It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully.

I recently received an email which summed it all up:

Dating someone with BPD gives you a false sense of love which blinds all logic. The end of the relationship for me was so shocking that it left me deeply hurt like a recovering alcoholic going cold turkey.

What's Next?

Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible. Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process.

The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.

We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward.

Regarding My BPD Relationship

I don't think about my BPD very often anymore. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life.

One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated:

I notice that I no longer am the same person I once was.


If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were. You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation.

It's within your reach. Now go get it.

August Vacation - Back to Business

I've had a whirlwind summer, going all over the place, including the beach of North Carolina and many other exciting places. Time to get back to business.

Where to Go From Here?

This blog continues to grow in its readership, and I continue to get encouraging comments about the blog. Thanks to each of you about this. I've been trying to move the blog over to another platform at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com so readers can enjoy forums and they can better contribute themselves and enjoy more functionality from a more robust website, but this readership continues to grow, and I don't want to alienate anyone reading here. So, I'm in a bit of a quagmire. Let me know what you think I should do:
- Continue posting here
- Move altogether to www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Try to (weakly) maintaining two blogs with very similar material (but the comments are now beginning to differ)

Allow BPD's Comments?

One other thing that I'm finding is that BPDs are now providing comments on this site. I haven't published any of them as I think that this should be a place for those recovering from a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to find solace.

Soooo, I want to know what you think -- do I accept BPD's comments? This is the Us project.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings.

I'm back from my summer vacation -- as I continue to recover, my topics will get less, so please, if you'd like to be a guest blogger, let me know. Drop a line to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and let me know. I'd love to get some guest bloggers.

Keep the fight, keep the faith, and keep moving forward.

-- Den

Saw The Borderline Again: Life Goes On

You know it's going to happen, and it just happened a week ago. My oldest son and I were playing golf together, right by the BPD's house and we saw her. She was playing golf too, with a guy (I'm going to assume that it's her current boyfriend).

You Can Recover from a BPD Relationship

It amazes you, because the longer you're out of a relationship with a BPD, the more you heal. If I had seen her two years ago, it would have been difficult to not get upset about the whole thing. A year ago, it still would have shook me, at least a little bit. Now, I say to my son, "is that her? Wow."

It's clear that my life is so different now. I look back at myself and see how much I've grown, wondering how I was able to put up with someone that had BPD. Clearly, we change and our tolerance changes. Poor Jennie has to deal with a more callous person -- hopefully, I'm still warm enough and loving enough that I fulfill her needs.

As time progresses, the borderline goes from the love of your life, the one that you wanted to spend every waking moment with, to one that you can't believe how much you put into. You almost get embarrassed that you were with this person and can't believe that you spent so much time on anyone, let alone someone that treated you so poorly.

That's what it's like when you get yourself back again. It's a very nice feeling.

Not a Normal Relationship

When I saw the borderline, I commented to my son (who's 15), "you know, if this was a normal relationship and we saw one another, we would have walked up to each other said hello, I would have introduced myself to her new boyfriend and would have told her about Jennie and--"

"It's not a normal, it was totally wacky," my son interrupted.

He's right, the relationship was completely nonsensical, it was not a normal relationship. This is not someone who thinks normally at all. It's a shame, but there can never be a friendship after the relationship has ended. She has made me into the enemy, someone who is evil and did terrible things to her.

Posting on BPD Relationship Recovery

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y moving the site and functionality to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, a site that contains all the functionality here and more. On the site, I'm working on developing forums so readers can have conversations (strangely, people continue to communicate by commenting on this site :-)) and can help one another out.

The Us project is continuing to develop. If you'd like to continue communicating with others that are recovering from BPD, simply go to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, register for the site and start contributing to the forums. You can send one another messages there and there are private forums for you, depending on where you are in your journey on the road to BPD relationship recovery.

BPD No Contact: Important for Recovery

So, you've gotten out of a relationship with a borderline, yet you're still talking with the person.

How's it going?

Not so good, I bet. If the person is a true borderline, and you're having a true BPD relationship, there is no way that you can continue contact and stay "friends." Borderline relationships just aren't like that. They're too intense, too hot or cold; they really can't be tepid and continue along as a friendship.

Why You Can't Have a Friendship With A Borderline After Breakup

There are many reasons why you can't have a friendship with a borderline after a breakup:

• BPDs are black and white thinkers -- Either you're their hero or you're a villain in the mind of a borderline. If you're a villain, BPDs will make you into someone so bad in their mind that they will convince themselves that you've done something wrong to them. They'll make it so bad that smear campaigns will ensue, or they will take out restraining orders against you.
• The relationship will never be stable -- Borderlines love drama, and the relationship will have to continue to be unstable for them to want to be in it. My relationship with the BPD had daily fireworks where she would create issues and drama for me to deal with, stabilizing the relationship every day. I had a vested interest in the relationship as she was my partner, my living mate, my lover. Friendships that are this unstable would never survive.
• More pain will be involved in the relationship -- BPDs are insanely jealous, spiteful and not people that you want to be around when they are unhappy. Do you think that your newfound BPD ex will be pleased when you announce that you have a new lover? I don't think so. Yet, they'll want to share all gory details of their new relationship. Believe me, the relationship will be uneven, unstable, and unacceptable long term.

I haven't seen my ex BPD girlfriend for nearly three years. We sent messages to one another a couple months out of the relationship, but it quickly flowered into insanity that could not be controlled. Without me physically in her life, her thoughts were so far out there that she was suddenly telling me that she felt like I was threatening her and the like; two months later on Fathers Day, I got a phone call from the police asking me if I was breaking onto her computer and putting my picture on her photo galleries.

No contact is critical for recovery. If you have children, set firm boundaries that the borderline can't break, then don't ever break them yourself. Borderlines make you do things that you would never do. You can't be that person as they will make you pay for those mistakes then play the victim. You will have quite a difficult time rebuilding anyone's trust if you are the one breaking boundaries or the law.

Relationship Recovery Step 4: Start a Me Project

Are you ready to start a project like the one that I've done here? I'm going to show you how. It's pretty easy -- sign up to become a member on this site, then go ahead and create a blog of your own.

I'm moving The Me Project to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ -- a fully functional site that has quite a lot of functionality, including the ability for users to post in forums and create their own websites. People can create their own Me Projects.

That's right -- this site allows you to have your own Me Project. You can blog as much or as little as you want, and you can work with others in the community to help you recover. The blog also has private forums where you can anonymously post.

What is a Me Project?

For those of you that are just discovering the BPD Relationship Recovery site or the Me Project, it's a project where you focus on yourself. You start looking at yourself and your own needs. Too often, those of us that get enmeshed in a BPD relationship are in an unhealthy relationship where it becomes all about our partner.

It's time to work on ourselves.

If you're like me, I had difficulty doing this -- I thought that my happiness came from making others happy. I didn't focus on myself enough and my needs. Before starting this journey, I didn't spend enough time looking out for myself, and as such, I was not happy because my needs were never met.

When I started the Me Project, I put my foot down and demanded that I spend time on myself, working on myself, and making me the person that I always wanted.

It's your turn, if you're ready.

Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/, register to be a user, start your own website and let the journey begin. It can be as much of a journey as you want. You can make it in to it's own full-fledged life where you express yourself, your feelings and your adventures, or you can just write a little bit when you feel it. The choice is yours.

In the upcoming posts, those that are engaged in the Me Project will get different exercises. Some of these will be exploratory, others will be tried and true exercises in rebuilding yourself.

Stay tuned. The Me Project just took on a whole new dimension. Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ and start taking the next step and head into the new world of BPD Relationship Recovery -- your own Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 6: Find Others That Have Been There and Have Felt the Pain

So, you've started your healing process, you've committed, you've felt the pain, you've built your support group and you've flexed it, but you're still missing quite a lot.


You've just gotten out of a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. This disease is like no other, and unfortunately, unless you've been there, most in your support group just won't get it. In fact, you'll even feel like you can talk to them so much, but there will still be aspects of the relationship where you won't feel comfortable telling. Part of it will be shame.


This is where it's important to have a group of people that have been through a relationship with a borderline and can empathize with you. There's nothing, nothing like mental illness, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder. The borderline seems completely normal to someone that doesn't know the person very well, so trying to explain the illness and get sympathy from others could make you feel -- and possibly be viewed as -- a little nutty.


It's difficult, though. How -- where -- do you find a group of people that have similar problems, similar issues? Especially if you live out in a rural area? 


This is when technology -- particularly the Internet -- becomes an invaluable gem.

The Internet Spawns Support Groups

There are many different support groups that can help you get through these issues.  The forums change regularly, so I can't attest to which one is best for you.


My personal favorite is Randy Kreger's Welcome to Oz support groups on Yahoo! Groups. They allow the person receive a regular download of those contributing as well as contribute when they are ready.  This group, and the people that are on the group, helped get me through the dark days when I was recovering from the relationship. People reached out to me and befriended me when I asked for the help. I'm eternally grateful to this group and the people that helped me get through these days.

BPD Relationship Recovery -- The Next Step

So, I've been thinking about this blog and what to do next with it -- the answer is provide more support for you. So, we're going to create the support in an Internet environment where we can support one another: http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com.


I'm working out the kinks of the site right now, but in this site, you'll (eventually) be able to:
- Create your own persona/personality
- Contribute and start topics
- Start your own "Me Project"
- Contribute to forums


All in one place. Welcome to the next phase of The Us project.


Please, cruise over to http://bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, take a look at the site, create your own ID, get a site and more. I'll be covering more of the "how to's" with this site in the future but the quick highlights include:


- There are forums in the Groups section -- some are confidential (men only) so your posts are completely anonymous, others are public.
- You can create your own "Me Project" blog. So, if you're like me and you want to write, you can create your own blog. 
- In the future, I'll actually create ways for you to make money from blogging on http://bpdrelationshiprecovery.com. I'll put advertising on the site that you'll get a share (Note: during all the time that I've had this blog, I've made about $20 -- you're not going to make much, but every bit can help).
- You can contribute to the forums section, posting on different topics
- You can create your own person, avatar, and send messages to everyone in the group.
- There's more. this is just the tip of the iceberg.


So, The Me/Us project is now evolving to its next iteration. Please take the trip with me. Do the following:
- Navigate to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Sign in, and get your own website if you want. Start blogging if it so suits you.
- Go into the groups (sign into the ones that suit you) and start posting topics.


I can't do this all by myself. I need your help. Please help as we move the Me/Us project to the next level.


See you at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com. 

Things I can Do Now That I'm Out of a BPD Relationship

I was thinking about what my life is like now and how my life is so free now that I'm not in a BPD relationship. My life can be happy as I don't feel shackled or held back by someone else's insecurities.

Jennie is a very trusting woman, and I appreciate and cherish the trust that I have. She lets me be myself and doesn't try to steal any of my magic. I am eternally grateful.

The following list is by no means exhaustive as it only strikes the surface, but here are some of the things that I can do without being questioned, accused of inappropriate things, kicked out, demeaned, belittled, or generally treated poorly:

• Spend a whole day not talking or communicating with my partner
• Go to they gym
• Go for a run
• Go out with my friends
• Go to see my family
• Stop somewhere that's not planned
• Take my children places without letting my partner know
• Do special things with my children
• Talk to other females
• Have a friendship with other females
• Get another female's phone number (for business or whatever purpose)
• Stay late at work
• Travel on business
• Go into work early
• Do things on my own -- whatever it may be
• Talk with my partner about another female
• Go away with my friends for a guys' weekend out
• Go out with my friends for a guys' night out
• Receive phone calls, text messages or emails from other females
• Have a female coworker that was not put under the microscope
• Have an attractive female coworker
• Go out to lunch, dinner, breakfast...whatever without being accused of cheating

This is just the beginning. You can see the pattern here.

I'm now free. The Me/Us project continues. In the next post, look for updates and plans for this site as we move it out to a new site altogether where you can blog about your BPD recovery, enter forum posts, or do what you want. Look for more information in the upcoming blog entries.

For now, if you're out of the BPD relationship, appreciate the freedom you have. Do something constructive with it.

Did Darth Vader Suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

So, I recently saw some type of analysis of Darth Vader, asking the question: Did he suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?

When thinking about Darth and what made Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader (referring to the scene in Star Wars where he tries to jump over Obi-Wan Kenobi in a move that Obi advised him against doing), I would say that he had more narcissistic tendencies than borderline tendencies.

He thought that he was invincible, and he was shown that he was not invincible. He grew paranoid and hurt his pregnant wife, but he was more confused than borderline.

The more that I think about it, the more I would say that Darth was not a borderline. He was coerced by the Sith Darth Sidius to turn to the dark side.

Darth Vader a borderline? Not by a longshot. Maybe he was a narcissist, but not a borderline.

Look at the battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan and voice your opinion:

Relationship Recovery Step 5: Build Your Support Group, And Flex It

When you're going through truly difficult times, it's difficult to find a way out.

You just can't do it alone. If you try to do it alone and handle all this heartache alone, you will be literally broken apart. I know from experience.

Bottom line -- you need a support group to recover from most every relationship. Dysfunctional relationships, like those with borderlines, require even more of a support group.

What Is a Support Group?
A support group is just like the name sounds, a group of people who are there to support you as you go through a difficult transition, or just life in general. This group can be comprised of friends, family, co-workers (as long as your working situation allows for this), or a group of people with common interests. For example, those that attend Alcoholics Anonymous are surrounded by other attendees who could all be considered part of their support group.

To have a solid support group, one must be able to trust their support group and believe that the support group truly has their best interest at hand.

For the Non in a relationship with a Borderline, they need a solid support group. Their recovery is critical and the Non needs this. Part of the Non's support group mix should also be a counselor for a number of reasons. First, there is quite a lot of shame around being in a relationship with a borderline. You have accepted so much in the relationship that you have buried, and these things (like being treated so poorly) have to be dealt with in a safe environment.

There were many things that happened with the borderline that I didn't want to initially tell my friends. They would ask me questions like, "why would you let her do that to you?"

There were a lot of things that they would ask me those questions. I wasn't ready. A counselor could help me get through all these issues and questions.

CoDependence


Many Nons that are in a relationship with a borderline find that they have codependent tendencies if they are not all-out codependent. This must also be examined and worked through.

Many Nons also find that joining a support group such as Alanon also helps them get through their codependent issues and makes them responsible for themselves.

We Need People To Talk To


We are human beings that have emotions. Working with a support group that helps you get back to a normal sense of right and wrong is very important when recovering from any relationship, particularly a BPD relationship. This is one part of the puzzle though. Ultimately, you need to decide what's right and wrong for you, which takes more time.

This is an important step. As you go through this process of recovering from a bad relationship, you need to learn from others what is right, what's wrong, and the healthy way to deal with issues that arose in the relationship and in your current life.

Why Do We Rescue?

Many of us who have gotten into a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder would fall into the role of Rescuer. We rescue people from their misery and make their lives better. They love us because we are so good at rescuing and making them feel better about themselves.

The problem is that after we have rescued, we inherit their misery, their upset, their hatred for themselves, and we are miserable. Or the person burns us out because we give so much to the person that we have nothing at the end for ourselves.

Rescuing Others From Their Misery Feels Good -- At First

When we rescue others, we feel great about ourselves, and the other person feels good as well. They give us love because we make them feel loved, while the rest of the world does not love them, no one loves them.

We look at them, and our hearts go out to them. I felt that way about the borderline. I felt so bad for her that I jumped in to save her and make her feel better.

At that point, I thought that I knew how to keep myself clear of the rescuer role. But I didn't know how to keep myself clear at all. Eventually, the person who has been rescued starts to give you their anxiety, their dysfunction, their whatever, and you have to deal with it. It's really not fun, I promise you.

I recently met with my ex wife to discuss how her actions were negatively impacting our children, in the past, now and in the future. We met at a diner and had quite a difficult conversation. She is drinking too much and has been dating a married man for the past few years.

Despite these indiscretions which are clearly impacting my children, I still felt so bad for her. My heart jumped to feeling her pain. What a shame that after all this time, she still cannot help herself and is now negatively impacting our children. She doesn't even know that her actions negatively impact the children.

We Must Rescue Ourselves First

Rescuing others gives us purpose. It gives us meaning. It makes us feel good and keeps our minds outside of ourselves. We get wonderful initial responses, so we rescue for the response that we get.

The truth is that we first need to rescue ourselves. We first need to determine our own meaning, our own insecurities and deal with them. We can rescue all we want, but until we deal with ourselves, we won't feel whole and complete.

Rescuing starts with the best of intentions, but we're actually masking our insecurities. Before we can help others, we must help ourselves.