I Finally Understand

...why this breakup is so tough...

When you're broken up with because of normal reasons (I'm not into you), it's okay; you hurt, but you get over it.

When life is great together and you connect so well with someone, then the person breaks up with you because of crazy, unfounded, concocted, false things about yourself, it's tough.

That's what she did. In her paranoid dissociative state, she told me I:
- lied to her all the time
- tried to screw with her
- etc.

That's why she left. She would never trust me no matter how much I sacrificed.

By the way, one of the signs of abuse is extreme jealousy, which she had. My life was paralyzed because of it. But she takes no accountability, another sign of BPD.

Anyway, that's why it's so hard. She has split and I'm the evil one. Alternating between idealization and devaluing.

What a shame...

Is She Really Borderline?

Some people ask, was she really borderline? Ummmmm, I never wanted to give her a label, so I didn't for the most part. There were times that I did tell her that she was BPD, and then she'd say, 'I'm not, you are.' They say that's pretty typical.

Sooooo, let me go through the DSM Criteria for BPD and see if she fit into it or not. I took this excerpt from www.recovery-man.com (the authors comments are in parens -- my comments on whether she fits this are in [brackets])

DSM Definition of BPD (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)

[When we first started dating and I lived in Delaware, when I would leave and go to Delaware, 2 hours after I had left, she would call and begin accusing me of things. I used to talk her out of it and she would be okay. I called it separation anxiety and thought it was cute, but clearly this was the case.

*Also, at work, she always had to have access to me. I did not once, I mean once, not take her call. When I was traveling in Europe, 3 days away cost me $1100 in cell phone bills]

So, the verdict??? YES

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."

[Ummmm, she has a restraining order against one of the last boyfriends. She thinks that he's evil, always lied to him, etc. I was her savior, then I became that guy. Now she thinks that I'm out to get her. Need I say more? The victim of another evil person]

The verdict??? YES!

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note

[Well, she's okay with this one. Had a lot of jobs before working at a big corporation, then left to parent. Now, she's into writing -- I always told her that she needed a job to give her structure because without it she was driving herself crazy and making me the object of all of it, so I could argue for Yes with this one, but I won't -- yet}

Verdict? NO

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

[Well, her old boyfriend said that she was a drunk and had to be taken out of bars by the ambulance because she was so drunk. She popped illegal pills (speed) to control her weight when we first started dating. She's had threesomes.]

Verdict??? YES

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.

[She said she wanted to kill herself two different times, when she was taking stop smoking medication. I think that's why she said it. This wasn't a problem with her too much. ]

Verdict??? NO

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)

[It's like you could snap your fingers and she would go from the sweetest woman you'd ever met to someone that was so nasty. She would think that you were taking advantage of her and would be so mean and nasty. Mood swings are an understatement]

Verdict??? YES

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)

[She said that when she's not in a relationship, she feels so lonely. I won't give her this one, because I can't read her mind and she wouldn't admit this to me]

Verdict??? NO

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.

[She said to me before she left the last time I saw her, "If you have anyone here, I'll make you regret it. She overreacted to a number of things. She hit me a number of times, then said "that's because you deserved it...wtf???"]

Verdict??? YES

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)

[This one is big for her. She thought that I was 'doing things to get a rise out of her,' she would change history to fit her fancy (I once said 'if I moved to Morristown, you'd freak;' her mind changed that to 'if I moved to Far Hills, you'd freak' (I did look for a place in Far Hills, so this could prove that I was screwing with her).

It's funny, because she used to accuse me of having Dissociative Identity Disorder (among a littany of other illnesses). Yet she dissociated abnormally.

Verdict??? YES

So, she has met 6 out of 9 of the characteristics of BPD -- I've shown through her behaviors how she has the disorder.

The only reason I put this here is because my belief has been challenged; I wanted to show it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Unfortunately, she's too far gone to get treatment, although the illness is treatable:

Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper medication. (The misdiagnoses of BPD as Bipolar Disorder is very common - and generally leads to improper medication.)

Sadly - the overwhelming internal chaos, fear and shame often result in People with BPD refusing treatment. Treatment for BPD is a long term process, but can lead to a much better quality of life for the Person with BPD and their partners and families.

One more thing about her -- she's a great "mask": Also from www.recovery-man.com:

People with BPD often "mask" well - meaning that they present a "I have it all together" face to the world, at work and to their therapists. People with BPD are often very charming, funny and engaging when they are not suicidal or raging. They work hard at covering their tracks; generally only those who are very close to them are aware of the emotional roller coaster going on inside. People with BPD frequently project their issues onto others. ("I don't have a problem - YOU have a problem.") As a result, people with BPD often live lives of misery, remaining undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. (and therefore improperly treated.) Borderline personality disorder is very painful for both the person with BP and the people in their life.

I feel for her girls -- wish I could do something for them

The Chaos Continues

Yesterday, she calls a counselor that we both saw together and apart -- she tells them that she fears for her safety.

This is a silly game that she's playing. I really don't think that she knows the implications of the game. It's like a drama to her, and she's willing to get whatever players are necessary to punish me.

Now, she wants to punish me. The splitting occurred. I'm now a bad guy, I'm a sadist, I'm here to 'screw' with her.

My God, like I'd screw with anyone, particularly her.

I sent her some text messages on Saturday night telling her that she lied to me. That I discovered that she was convicted on charges of terroristic threats and other charges. That she never told me that her husband tried to strangle her and that he was the bad guy before he died.

I also told her how much I was still hurting, and I asked her how many more lives she would ruin before she would get help.

Think that's the one that made her react with the 'I'm scared for my safety.' Because I told her that she's being found out, Her lies have been found out, and she's now getting exposed.

She moved from one town because no one in the town talked to her because of her actions. Now I'm starting to see what she did in past parts of her life and the implications of her actions.

Anyway, I'm obviously pissed off, tired of being accused of trying to hurt her. How ridiculous. I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone someone I used to share a bed with every night.

I used to share a bed with this woman. Look at how she treats me. I cared for her dog, and I cared for her children. Now that's gratitude.

That's insanity I tell you. Downright insanity.

The last time she thought I was threatening her (and this is a new one -- this never happened in the past) was when I sent her a message that said, "I open my heart to you and you put the knife in." Like that is somehow a threat to you.

I had to send her a follow up email that indicated that this was said figuratively. My God when the BPD splits, you go from being a God in their mind to the Devil.

I'll never have this happen to me again. This is the most emotionally draining and emotionally painful experience that I've ever been in. My career and other parts of my personal life have essentially died as a result of the turmoil in this woman.

Now, I need to figure out why I took it for so long:
- Some parts of the relationship were amazing, especially in the beginning
- We moved in early, which shackled me. At times when I could have moved out (when she kicked me out), I found excuses to stay
- Finances have been very tight for me as I've gone through the divorce
- I truly believed in the relationship. I believed that she would realize how special the relationship was and would change

I sometimes think that she'll come around, but I've got to write her off. She's out for blood now with me and will do whatever she can to take me down. She'd love to find a way to have me arrested or whatever she can do. What a hostile, vindictive, ugly person at the core.

On the outside, she seems like such a beautiful, warm and loving woman.

What a shame.

Upward and onward.

Step Forward, Step Back

God my mind won't stop moving with this entire thing. I still miss her. I miss the things that we did together. I miss the world that I built. I miss all those things.

Here are some of the things that I've realized:
- My world isn't bad now. In fact, it's pretty good. I've built a pretty good world around me.
- I will meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs (I think..:))
- If I don't meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs, I'll be okay
- This healing thing is a process

I met an old lover of hers this past weekend and we compared notes. Just as I thought -- she made him into some monster that he isn't. She told me that he used to lie all of the time, he was a narcissist, etc. The stories he told were just terrible -- the things that she did, and the things that he let her get away with. No frigging good.

God she was a frigging maniac, now that I think about it. I loved a maniac. I loved a sick person who used her body to fulfill some sick inner needs. God, the things that she told me were so twisted by her. Amazing.

The worst thing is that when you're with someone, they abuse you. It's a gradual process that they put you through. They invade boundaries and put the responsibility on you.

One of the very early boundary invasions was when she questioned me: "Who filed for divorce -- your or your wife?"

Why does this matter? Because she needed to know if I was kicked out of the marriage and that I'm a bum, or if I left on my own.

I told her that I left my now ex wife. I didn't tell her that she had filed for divorce, however, because of a number of reasons. We tried to put the marriage back together, but it wasn't going to work.

She actually had looked up the court records and found that my ex had filed for divorce. Who scrutinizes another at such a level? Who has the time to do such a thing?

I took it, apologized for not telling her upfront, then she gave me some speech about being honest with her.

This is abuse, I now know, and it's one of the tricks of the abuser. They make you feel like you've done something wrong when, in fact, they were the one that violated the boundary. A counselor indicated that the relationship would become abusive. They told me that after 6 months. From the beginning, it was abusive. I didn't know it.

The abuse was rampant throughout the relationship. She regularly violated personal and professional boundaries because of her misery and trying to put as much as she could on me. I took it. Ironically, after the counselor told me that the relationship would be abusive, she suddenly began calling me abusive. That's funny, every time she learned something new (most times things that I taught her), I became that:
- I was a sex addict after she watched an Oprah show on sex addicts
- I taught her about the term "projection" and I was suddenly projecting my guilt onto her
- I taught her about the term "passive aggressive" and I was suddenly doing things to her in a passive aggressive manner
- She read a book on narcissists. I was suddenly a narcissist, and so was her last boyfriend

God it just never stopped. Yet I still miss her and her insanity. The relationship, in my mind, was pure and innocent. Obviously, she felt otherwise.

I think I suffered from my Dulcinea syndrome though.

I just want to be over her. I want to be over her so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to just be done. But it is like an addiction. You do anything to have one more interaction with her.

Enough. Time to move on. Life's too short. Enjoy every moment. Celebrate everything, including your defeats. They all have a greater purpose.

What was the purpose of this one?

Take The Next Step

I can tell that there will be days when it's difficult, but I've definitely turned a corner. I miss the relationship that we had, the good parts of her. I don't miss her. In fact, I can't stand her.

The events that took place in the past week showed me her true colors -- they showed me who she was, how she acted regardless of the stimuli. I won't take responsibility for 'screwing with her' anymore, because I didn't. She can make me feel like I did, but I didn't. There's no way to do the things that she said -- I'm just not made up of the things that she says.

It's a shame that she's crazy. There's a side of her that's the best. Unfortunately, that side's not the true her. It's someone that she's formed over the years, but it's not the ugly person that's underneath the surface.

Oh well, onward. I can't always write about it and wallow in it. Time to move on. Get myself together. Update the iPod so the sad songs aren't in there anymore. I'm tired of being sad. Tired of wallowing in my own pity. Time to enjoy life again. I'm tired of worrying about a crazy.

What did I learn, the biggest thing I figured out from this?

Never date a crazy.