Medication and the BPD

The BPD was interesting when it came to prescription drugs and medication -- very interesting. She was, of course, obsessed about her weight. Totally obsessed. She worked out every day for about 2 hours. She ran like a maniac and stayed as thin as a rail.

From the start, I knew that the BPD had issues. When we were together for about six months, after she and I had a blow-out fight, she says to me, "I have a confession to make." She then proceeds to tell me that she had been on Ephedra, the once-legal diet drug, since the relationship began. She was just getting herself off of it, according to her.

She then proceeded to tell me how she was researching Ephedra and learned about the common side effects -- moodiness, generalized anxiety, etc.

Stall Tactics

I was blown away. I thought that this was the reason for all of her crazy actions and feelings. This ephedra made her so suspicious, so anxious, so upset, so accusing. Aaaaaaaaaah, now I could be with the woman that I first met. That sweet, loving woman.

Of course, it didn't last long. She went back to her ways, her accusations, her constantly critical person that had me under the microscope. I would ask her "are you taking that medication again?" She would tell me no. Who's to tell what is the truth.

She told me that when she would take the medication, it caused her heart to race, sometimes out of control. This is a woman who would have panic attacks, feeling like she was having a heart attack.

A couple of months before we ended everything, I found a bag of pills of hers. I'm not sure what they were, but she denied that they were ephedra.

Medications That Treat BPD

There are some medications that effectively treat BPD. Before I met the BPD, she said that she was on Effexor for some time on advice from her friend -- clearly, others saw that she had issues.

From what I have read, Effexor is one of the most effective drugs for treating those that display BPD symptoms. More information about specific drugs and how they treat BPD can be found here.

However, she said that the Effexor made her gain weight, so she quickly stopped taking the medication.

After the first time that she kicked her out, I tried to take her to a psychiatrist to help medicate her and calm her down. I thought that this was the only chance that we had.

Unfortunately, she told me that I had the problems. The pressure that she put on me was enormous, and she never would accept medication until we had broken up.

Others find Celexa quite useful, and many BPDs that I have communicated with now take Celexa.

BPD or Not?

The BPD I was with never admitted that she had BPD, yet she was on a BPD medication. She felt so strongly about this that she insisted that I had BPD. Is the Borderline's world that crazy where they can change history right in front of your eyes? I guess so.

The BPD and I both took Wellbutrin when trying to stop smoking together. She suffered many of the side effects of the drug, however, including paranoia and suicidal thoughts. She would tell me, "it doesn't matter if I'm here, maybe I just should finish myself off for once and all." Needless to say, she didn't last on Wellbutrin for long.

Clearly, the right medications are good for a BPD, provided they will take them and will not suffer from the side effects. It may take time to find out which is right, but if the Borderline in your life will take them, it may make your life much better.

Signs

While driving to work today, I saw a sign on the back of someone's car. It said, "have a great day." What a great message, I thought.

It reminded me of my relationship with the BPD. She saw signs, she told me, all of the time. She said that there were signs coming at her -- she thought that her dead husband was sending her signs and looking out for her well-being.

Billboards, bumper stickers, television ads, newspaper and magazines, the internet, songs, you name it -- the borderline was getting sent signs. She told me that with Bob, her previous boyfriend, the signs were most everywhere. Then with me, the signs came as well.

Do People Really Get Signs from The Supernatural?

Was the BPD given signs to get away from me because I was bad and taking advantage of her? Did her dead husband send her signs saying that I was bad and going to hurt her? Did she get her signs all the time, as we drove down the road, as we did whatever?

One time, when we were driving to Delaware, she started to say the bad signs that she saw:

Snakes on A Plane

Get Out Now

Your Time is Gonna Come

I got it. I started to tell her about the signs that I saw:

Jesus loves you

Life Is Good

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing to Waste

It's A Beautiful Day

As a Christian, I would say that The Lord gives you messages and shepherds you in a direction. You will have certain life occurrences and events that will move you in a direction. God stopped speaking to people thousands of years ago, so you may be given an impression, and if you're tuned into the Lord, he may speak through you by providing you with thoughts, feelings and emotions. This requires intensive work in your spirituality and developing yourself so The Lord will give you certain thoughts.

The Edge of Our Perception

As the Perception artwork indicates, we are travelers on the edge of our perception. If we perceive the world to be bad and people will hurt us and take advantage of us, we will attract that to us. Furthermore, the signs that we see will all be negative.

If we see signs that are positive and uplifting, we will live a life of positivity and goodness. The choice is ours.

Did my ex girlfriend, who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, actually see signs? She had trained her mind to see negative signs in everything -- maybe this is why she had her anxiety eyes, I don't know. She could have trained herself to see positive signs, but you can't be a victim of positivity.

Borderline Personality Disorder is diagnosed as such because those that suffer from it are on the border of neurosis and psychosis. These signs are one example of this border -- I used to say that she was outright crazy about her signs.

In the end, our perception is everything -- so much that we can make things into whatever we want. That's my biggest lesson.

Dulcinea Syndrome

I can't believe that I've ever written about Dulcinea Syndrome. Aaaaah, the ole' Dulcinea Syndrome. I actually do write about it in some of my early posts, particularly when I penned Letter to Dulcinea and Dulcinea's Apology, but I never actually discuss Dulcinea Syndrome itself. I've alluded to it quite a bit throughout my life -- the syndrome that most of us suffer when first meeting someone:

Dulcinea Syndrome is a disease of mistaken identity that many suffer when first entering into a relationship with another person. With this disease, the person thinks that their partner is someone who is devoid of any shortcomings. They view the person with amazingly 'rosy colored glasses' that they cannot take off.

I recognized that I suffered from this disorder many times in my life, but with the BPD, I knew that she had issues. I guess I just didn't realize how large the issues actually were. Not only that, as time progressed in the relationship, her illness seemed to get worse, not better.

In the end, Dulcinea Syndrome is pretty simply described: We end up learning that the person is not who we thought that they were. Promises were broken, the person ends up being abusive and takes advantage, whatever the situation, the syndrome almost always has a painful ending.

God puts events in our lives to help us grow. Even the worst situations can end up being good if we stay positive and continue to grow through them.

2 Years

This blog is going on its second anniversary, second birthday, second whatever you want to call it. I've been doing this for two years. I can't believe it.

What a crazy two years it has been. I remember when I first started blogging, it was this sort of passive-aggressive way for the Borderline that I was getting out my frustrations. I blogged once in November when the relationship was in its yo-yo mode.

I remember the pain that I would feel when she would outright reject me; before this time, I lived with her, so every night, I would come home to make the world right once again. Then, during the day, it unraveled.

Once we lived apart (I moved out in September 2007), her cycles of abuse got worse and worse. She began threatening the police. Although it hurt -- and I mean hurt like I've never felt before, I was getting stronger. I eventually stopped playing into her anxiety and went on my own. Two years ago is when I really began breaking the chains. Within a month, I was completely done.

I really wonder why I began writing the blog, now that I think about it. I think at first, it was my self-medication. Getting it out and off of my chest was medicinal for me. It's especially difficult to talk to your friends about your borderline relationship because your friends grow tired of hearing about the dysfunction that you live in, and you start to dislike telling others because you feel like such as sniveling idiot.

However, the blog has continued for a number of reasons. There was a time where I was writing for the BPD to see how I had "recovered" from the pain that she inflicted (I really hadn't recovered but wanted to put my best face on). I also thought that she would see the blog and feel really bad for what she did, and she would finally see how badly she was treating me. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

She did see the blog. On March 30, 2008, she was on the blog for over an hour and viewed 20 posts (which I think was about the entire blog at that time). I don't think she has viewed the blog since then, but I could be wrong. This one, I'm sure was her.

By the way, the way that I know this is through my web analytics program. This program will tell me the town that someone is from and the type of browser that they're using. The site got about 5 to 10 hits per day then, and she used a Mac (which was out of the ordinary), so I'm quite confident that she was on the site. The site used to be linked into my home page (I've since changed that)

The only thing I've heard of her since then was when the police contacted me on Father's Day because she accused me of breaking into her online photo albums and putting pictures of myself, which is downright goofy. By this point, I wasn't writing for her or to talk to her -- I was writing for me.

Most of the time, I've written this blog to heal. To make myself feel better. To get through the pain that I felt. Was it because the breakup was dysfunctional and with a borderline, or was it because it was just a difficult breakup? Probably a little of both.

"You are both so enmeshed that no contact is the only option," the psychiatrist told me when we discussed the breakup.

Enter Jennie. When Jennie and I started dating, I thought I was done healing. I stopped blogging out of respect for her and because I thought I had finished my healing. Jennie's good, though, and she wouldn't let me *not* heal, so she encouraged my blogging. After what I went through, I couldn't imagine someone who could be so encouraging, but she has encouraged it and has felt that the blog is a wonderful expression.

When I have felt like I was done blogging and I was going to stop, I begin hearing from all of the blog's readers. Everyone who comments, or those of you that send me emails (mybpdrecovery@gmail.com). If by sharing a bit of myself with each of you, I can help you heal, then I'll continue blogging. I'll continue to cover topics which are important, but will continue it as part of the me project -- it continues and will continue for quite some time.

The blog continues to get an increased number of followers, and the number of emails that I receive has increased. Web traffic has also increased, and readership spans the globe. BPD is not isolated to one country, or one continent, by the way.

So nearly two years ago, I began breaking the chains of the BPD relationship and started the healing process. Read my blog post titled Heal.

Since then, I've grown quite a bit and continue to grow. In upcoming posts, I'll highlight some of my growth and how I continue.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you need and want. The Me Project Continues.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

I recently entered into a conversation with a group of people about one question: Does time heal all wounds?

I've thought about this quite a bit since then, and given my experience. There are times when we feel pain, such deep emotional pain. It often feels like we're never going to get through it. When we lose a loved one from illness. When we divorce. When a relationship ends. When someone who is close to you does something that hurts so much that you don't think you could ever forgive them.

Does time heal these wounds? Do you ever forgive the person, or do you completely shut the person out of your life, never letting them back in?

If you commit yourself to healing and growing from the wound, then time should heal it. You should be able to go through the healing process, grieving the loss then actually dealing with it.

Forgive

Forgiveness is also a part of the process. Eventually, you should forgive the person who has hurt you. In relationships where I feel that I had left wounds opened, I have asked for forgiveness. Without this, we need to close parts of our world out, which is dysfunctional and not normal.

With all of this said, there are a couple of important points to be made here. First, even though you forgive someone does not mean that you should go and renew relations or even an acquaintance. The BPD had told me that she could see us being friends after the relationship ended. Frankly, the trust was so violated and what she did was so egregious that I could never trust her again. Given the fact that she has contacted the police about me on several occasions, accusing me of doing things that I never would do, how could I be assured that this wouldn't happen again? Even though I understand why she did what she did and have forgiven her, by no means do I trust her. Re-opening lines of communication would be dangerous to my well-being, so there is no reason at all to do such a thing.

Second, healing is a natural process which takes time. If you try to shortcut this process, you will not be able to fully heal.

I did this by entering a relationship when I was not fully healed from the BPD and the relationship suffered. I thought that the relationship would help me heal or forget about the pain that I had. It didn't -- in some ways, it made the pain worse. I was fortunate to be with a wonderful, patient woman who was willing to fight for the relationship.

They say that healing from a relationship takes one year -- if the relationship was quite dysfunctional (only you can tell that), I'd recommend even longer. You need to re-establish your sense of self, which takes time.

Healing Is A Decision

The only way that you'll heal from your wounds is if you commit to healing from them. You can feel the pain, relive the pain and dwell in the pain, but you must eventually move yourself out of this pain. You must make the decision to heal, and not to dwell in the pain for too long, letting it overcome you. If you do, you'll end up suffering from depression and other stress related illnesses.

Read the earliest posts in this blog -- while they're only two dimensional and don't show the full pain that I was feeling, you'll get an idea about the pain that I was having. I got through that pain by committing to healing. I'm not proud of all of the entries that you read in this blog -- some of them show just how screwed up and lost I was when the relationship ended.

You Will Have Scars

When I was having this discussion whether time heals wounds, one person commented, "some wounds leave scars."

They do leave scars, but scars are fully healed wounds. You can look at the scar and remember what wounded you, how it felt, and how you healed. You have healed from that scar, though. It can't be re-opened - that wound is gone and is now a scar.

Time can help heal any wound, but you must commit to healing it.