Friday, April 2, 2010
BPD Family Problems: Children's Inheritance
I forgot about this until today -- the life that the BPD's little girls had to live because of their mother's limited abilities. I'm not talking about the BPD's parents or other family members -- you can read about this in other posts where I've covered the BPD Family and these issues. Now, I'm talking about the immediate nucler BPD Family -- the children of the borderline. Not partners, but children.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Trusting After a BPD Relationship
It can be one of the toughest things to do after being in a relationship with a borderline. You're in this committed relationship with someone who you think is the love of your life, then BAM! Right between the eyes, you're hit, and you are now on your own.
It's quite lonely, and it hurts like it has never hurt before. This pain can linger for days, weeks, months, maybe years. I just got an email from someone who has been hurting for over 10 years; he said to me, about an incident that occurred in 1999, "I feel like it happened yesterday."
The pain of a break up with someone that has borderline personality disorder can be enormous. If we don't choose to heal, the pain can be quite powerful and can continue to be there for some time after the breakup has occurred.
Eventually, we get ourselves together and begin healing. In time, we will go back out into the world, see our friends, and begin living again. It sucks, but we do it. We have to do it for survival.
In time, we'll even start dating again. We'll go to some dating websites, or find someone elsewhere, then will meet people and start having romantic relations with others.
How do we trust again? We do, but how?
It's quite lonely, and it hurts like it has never hurt before. This pain can linger for days, weeks, months, maybe years. I just got an email from someone who has been hurting for over 10 years; he said to me, about an incident that occurred in 1999, "I feel like it happened yesterday."
The pain of a break up with someone that has borderline personality disorder can be enormous. If we don't choose to heal, the pain can be quite powerful and can continue to be there for some time after the breakup has occurred.
Eventually, we get ourselves together and begin healing. In time, we will go back out into the world, see our friends, and begin living again. It sucks, but we do it. We have to do it for survival.
In time, we'll even start dating again. We'll go to some dating websites, or find someone elsewhere, then will meet people and start having romantic relations with others.
How do we trust again? We do, but how?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Dead Heads: Experiencing a New High
Those of us that have been in a relationship with a BPD know the highs that we feel. We know how it feels to experience a bliss that many never feel. Maybe others feel this high from drugs and alcohol. Clearly, there's a high there that many don't understand.
There are other ways to get this high, though, and I had forgotten about it. Then I found it again.
Those that have experienced a Grateful Dead concert and have felt the raw energy know the feeling. There's little in the world like it. A good church sermon, or a good church congregation, will get you feeling like a Dead show.
It's the feeling of community, the feeling of transcendence, the magical feeling that only some ever feel. That's how most Grateful Dead shows make you feel.
I experienced my first show in 1987 and quickly *got it*. It wasn't about the drugs that others were doing, it was about the music, the community, the transcendence to another plane that you would go when you were at the show.
Once I felt that high, I craved it, almost like a drug. I sought the transcending feelings, and those highs where your state of conscience goes to another level. It's tough to explain unless you've gone there, either at a show, in church or on your own when deep in meditation.
A borderline relationship is whatever we want it to be. We tell the borderline what we as Nons want, and they give it back to us. The borderline has such as low sense of self that they will quickly chameleon into what you want them to be.
Given that I was looking so desperately for a partner that could go to those new levels, when I found the borderline, they told me that they, too, wanted to go there.
I thought that I was in Heaven. I had found the partner that would go *there* with me.
She never knew where I wanted to go. I had such a strong sense that there was something else out there, but wanted it so badly, that hearing the borderline wanted to go to a new level made me feel like I was going to get it.
I did get it, but not with her.
What I learned is that to go to new levels with a partner, you need to trust. The relationship has to be built on a solid foundation where both parties care for one another and will trust and respect one another.
The borderline, of course, does not trust or respect themselves, so they cannot trust others. Without these important building blocks, you can get to higher levels, but these levels cannot be sustained. The relationship will be severely dysfunctional and will eventually crumble based on the lack of critical building blocks that all relationships must have.
It's unfortunate that Jerry Garcia passed away and The Grateful Dead had to retire. Since the band retired in 1995, it has had a number of iterations, including The Dead with many filling Jerry Garcia's spot.
The most interesting and most professional iteration of this transformation is Furthur, a band comprised of Grateful Dead bandmates Bob Weir and Phil Lesh. The other members are world-class musicians and have made the music theirs. I've been fortunate to see a number of shows on the last tour, and am planning on seeing nearly every show on their upcoming tour.
This band and the venues they play is what the Grateful Dead were like in their early days when they played smaller, more intimate venues. The band is still filling arenas that are over 10,000 in size, but it's probably like the 70's and early 80's for the band. More of a family feel.
So, the music continues to play by this band, so silly Deadheads (we now call ourselves Furthur Faces) like myself can go and let the music keep playing. The beauty is that Jennie, my soon-to-be bride, also loves the music, so we can experience this together.
Jennie and I have been able to go to new levels of awareness and relationship-wise because the relationship is built on trust and respect. Look for more on this in future posts as I have had many readers ask me how you shed the baggage from the relationship. I'll share that so you can see what I went through.
The key to living is to experience all that you can. This is a journey we take, and we want to experience great things in our lives. Money isn't great, but our experiences are great. Be sure to have great experiences in whatever you do and wherever you go.
There are other ways to get this high, though, and I had forgotten about it. Then I found it again.
Dead Head Highs -- Everybody's Dancing
Those that have experienced a Grateful Dead concert and have felt the raw energy know the feeling. There's little in the world like it. A good church sermon, or a good church congregation, will get you feeling like a Dead show.
It's the feeling of community, the feeling of transcendence, the magical feeling that only some ever feel. That's how most Grateful Dead shows make you feel.
I experienced my first show in 1987 and quickly *got it*. It wasn't about the drugs that others were doing, it was about the music, the community, the transcendence to another plane that you would go when you were at the show.
Once I felt that high, I craved it, almost like a drug. I sought the transcending feelings, and those highs where your state of conscience goes to another level. It's tough to explain unless you've gone there, either at a show, in church or on your own when deep in meditation.
The Borderline Relationship: Craving New Levels Gone Wrong
A borderline relationship is whatever we want it to be. We tell the borderline what we as Nons want, and they give it back to us. The borderline has such as low sense of self that they will quickly chameleon into what you want them to be.
Given that I was looking so desperately for a partner that could go to those new levels, when I found the borderline, they told me that they, too, wanted to go there.
I thought that I was in Heaven. I had found the partner that would go *there* with me.
She never knew where I wanted to go. I had such a strong sense that there was something else out there, but wanted it so badly, that hearing the borderline wanted to go to a new level made me feel like I was going to get it.
I did get it, but not with her.
Transcendence Requires Trust and Other Foundational Building Blocks
What I learned is that to go to new levels with a partner, you need to trust. The relationship has to be built on a solid foundation where both parties care for one another and will trust and respect one another.
The borderline, of course, does not trust or respect themselves, so they cannot trust others. Without these important building blocks, you can get to higher levels, but these levels cannot be sustained. The relationship will be severely dysfunctional and will eventually crumble based on the lack of critical building blocks that all relationships must have.
Further -- The New (or the Old) Grateful Dead
It's unfortunate that Jerry Garcia passed away and The Grateful Dead had to retire. Since the band retired in 1995, it has had a number of iterations, including The Dead with many filling Jerry Garcia's spot.
The most interesting and most professional iteration of this transformation is Furthur, a band comprised of Grateful Dead bandmates Bob Weir and Phil Lesh. The other members are world-class musicians and have made the music theirs. I've been fortunate to see a number of shows on the last tour, and am planning on seeing nearly every show on their upcoming tour.
This band and the venues they play is what the Grateful Dead were like in their early days when they played smaller, more intimate venues. The band is still filling arenas that are over 10,000 in size, but it's probably like the 70's and early 80's for the band. More of a family feel.
So, the music continues to play by this band, so silly Deadheads (we now call ourselves Furthur Faces) like myself can go and let the music keep playing. The beauty is that Jennie, my soon-to-be bride, also loves the music, so we can experience this together.
Jennie and I have been able to go to new levels of awareness and relationship-wise because the relationship is built on trust and respect. Look for more on this in future posts as I have had many readers ask me how you shed the baggage from the relationship. I'll share that so you can see what I went through.
The key to living is to experience all that you can. This is a journey we take, and we want to experience great things in our lives. Money isn't great, but our experiences are great. Be sure to have great experiences in whatever you do and wherever you go.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Choosing To Heal After A BPD Relationship
It's difficult, I know. You feel like someone just ripped your heart out, and you're raw. You're tender. The tears won't stop.
Maybe it's been a couple weeks. Maybe a couple months. Maybe a couple years. I recently had someone write me who has been hurting like it was yesterday for over 10 years.
Wow. I was in the relationship for nearly two years, and it's taken me about two years to heal. They say that for a normal relationship, it takes one year for every two years that you're in the relationship, but for those in a disordered relationship, particularly a BPD disordered relationship, I'd say it takes one or two years for every year.
Wow.
Healing from a BPD Relationship takes longer than normal. There is so much dysfunction, so much white noise, so much baggage that a borderline puts into your thoughts and conscience that it takes much longer to understand what is normal after the borderline has put such abnormal thoughts and feelings onto you.
Remember, borderlines project their anxiety, and as a partner of a borderline, you have now internalized the life of a borderline. It's time to clear that out now. It takes quite some time.
You can heal. You have to make the choice, then actually do it.
First, make the decision to heal. If you just leave the relationship, you will heal, but it will take even longer. You must make the conscious decision to heal. If you do this, you are recognizing that you are having issues and will consciously seek help.
Next, determine whether you need to see a professional. I saw one for approximately two months after the relationship with the BPD ended (see the posts on Valerie and Counseling for other fun stories regarding seeing professionals with a psychotic person who has no true concept of reality). It helped me reach a point of feeling content and being comfortable with myself (you can see exactly how I was feeling here).
Next, learn about the healing process so you can understand what you're going through. You need to understand the emotions that you're feeling and know which ones are normal and which ones aren't. If you have a support group that you can join, by all means, join. Alanon is the group that many Nons join, so you may want to check out a group like this. Or, you can start meeting new friends and there are Non groups on Meetup.com as well.
At this point, you need to be clearing out all old negative memories and replacing them with new ones. They don't need to be romantic, but you need to start living life and realizing how great life can be. Plan an adventure. Go away. Go for fun excursions, be it running or a bike ride or a hiking adventure. Learn to love life here. You deserve it.
When you're ready, it's time to start dating as well. This site has a list of some of the top dating sites, some that I've used, some that I haven't. I met Jennie, my future wife, on match.com, even though we knew each other from high school. When it's time, it's time.
With that said, remember that you're still healing and it will take you time to heal. People that you date need to understand this too and respect your need to heal. If they don't or start telling you, "I feel like there are three people in this relationship," make it one person in the relationship and move on.
Why? You're not at a point where stuffing old feelings as you heal is healthy for you, at all. They will come out later in undesirable ways. This is important. There are many other people that will love you and let you heal.
If you are not spiritual, you are going to need to develop your spiritual side as well. As humans, we have a spiritual element, and a fully developed spiritual side will keep us more well-rounded and more aware of those suffering from mental illness such as BPD. It's good practice, so do it. Join a church, synagogue or the spiritual affiliation of your choice. Just do it -- you'll be glad that you did.
It's not easy, but you can't let a relationship take you down. We're humans and we have many relationships in our lives. If you do the work and follow the steps outlined here, you will emerge a much stronger, more confident and self-assured person. This is critical for your growth.
Looking back, I'm happy that I went through the relationship with the borderline woman. I learned so much from myself that I wouldn't have learned that I can now appreciate so much more about life and myself. The journey is a good one -- if we let it be that way.
Maybe it's been a couple weeks. Maybe a couple months. Maybe a couple years. I recently had someone write me who has been hurting like it was yesterday for over 10 years.
Wow. I was in the relationship for nearly two years, and it's taken me about two years to heal. They say that for a normal relationship, it takes one year for every two years that you're in the relationship, but for those in a disordered relationship, particularly a BPD disordered relationship, I'd say it takes one or two years for every year.
Wow.
Why Does BPD Healing Take So Long?
Healing from a BPD Relationship takes longer than normal. There is so much dysfunction, so much white noise, so much baggage that a borderline puts into your thoughts and conscience that it takes much longer to understand what is normal after the borderline has put such abnormal thoughts and feelings onto you.
Remember, borderlines project their anxiety, and as a partner of a borderline, you have now internalized the life of a borderline. It's time to clear that out now. It takes quite some time.
You can heal. You have to make the choice, then actually do it.
How To Heal After a BPD Relationship
First, make the decision to heal. If you just leave the relationship, you will heal, but it will take even longer. You must make the conscious decision to heal. If you do this, you are recognizing that you are having issues and will consciously seek help.
Next, determine whether you need to see a professional. I saw one for approximately two months after the relationship with the BPD ended (see the posts on Valerie and Counseling for other fun stories regarding seeing professionals with a psychotic person who has no true concept of reality). It helped me reach a point of feeling content and being comfortable with myself (you can see exactly how I was feeling here).
Next, learn about the healing process so you can understand what you're going through. You need to understand the emotions that you're feeling and know which ones are normal and which ones aren't. If you have a support group that you can join, by all means, join. Alanon is the group that many Nons join, so you may want to check out a group like this. Or, you can start meeting new friends and there are Non groups on Meetup.com as well.
At this point, you need to be clearing out all old negative memories and replacing them with new ones. They don't need to be romantic, but you need to start living life and realizing how great life can be. Plan an adventure. Go away. Go for fun excursions, be it running or a bike ride or a hiking adventure. Learn to love life here. You deserve it.
When you're ready, it's time to start dating as well. This site has a list of some of the top dating sites, some that I've used, some that I haven't. I met Jennie, my future wife, on match.com, even though we knew each other from high school. When it's time, it's time.
With that said, remember that you're still healing and it will take you time to heal. People that you date need to understand this too and respect your need to heal. If they don't or start telling you, "I feel like there are three people in this relationship," make it one person in the relationship and move on.
Why? You're not at a point where stuffing old feelings as you heal is healthy for you, at all. They will come out later in undesirable ways. This is important. There are many other people that will love you and let you heal.
If you are not spiritual, you are going to need to develop your spiritual side as well. As humans, we have a spiritual element, and a fully developed spiritual side will keep us more well-rounded and more aware of those suffering from mental illness such as BPD. It's good practice, so do it. Join a church, synagogue or the spiritual affiliation of your choice. Just do it -- you'll be glad that you did.
You Can Heal and Recover From a BPD Relationship
It's not easy, but you can't let a relationship take you down. We're humans and we have many relationships in our lives. If you do the work and follow the steps outlined here, you will emerge a much stronger, more confident and self-assured person. This is critical for your growth.
Looking back, I'm happy that I went through the relationship with the borderline woman. I learned so much from myself that I wouldn't have learned that I can now appreciate so much more about life and myself. The journey is a good one -- if we let it be that way.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Despair
It's a feeling that one can't really describe to you. You know it when you have it, most don't ever want to feel it, but when you feel it, you know.
It's the feeling of despair.
I just came back from a weekend in New Orleans where I spent most of my weekend with friends celebrating 25 years of being friends; what amazing people I have in my life. I truly am a blessed man to have such quality people that have stuck with me for all these years.
We spent the weekend bellying up to a New Orleans bar, but I did speak with a number of people about the Hurricane. I spoke the most with Anne, the Concierge at the Hotel where I stayed. She told me about all the people that died from the hurricane, 1,800 in total. She told me about five people that she knew that killed themselves.
Five people that she knew committed suicide.
We're talking about an event here that most of us can't come near comprehending. It was so bad that people took their own lives because of the trauma.
Wow.
I spoke to person after person who said that they lived without food, or lived without water, for days. Having so many people get killed or lose everything from the hurricane impacted everyone in the area. The concierge told me that there are still events that happen that trigger memories of the hurricane and the aftermath afterwards.
I told her that she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then I asked her if she had gone to counseling. She responded that she couldn't because everybody here was going to counseling and had post traumatic stress disorder.
This woman felt despair. This town felt despair. Tears welled up in my eyes as I discussed these events and she told me how it took so long for things to come back to normal. All the people that were so lost as a result of this. I could see what she went through and the pain that she had felt.
The nice thing is that when you have so many people that went through the same event, together, you can, as a group, get through the event. This is what many have done in the area.
Ironically, the event that has helped the area give themselves hope again has been the local football team, the New Orleans Saints. They won the superbowl for the first time this year, and the town rallied around them quite a bit.
When you drive through the city, the billboard by the Superdome reads, "Goodbye to the Saint-Less."
The town rallied around the team, no doubt. They're feeling so much better.
When I got out of the relationship with the BPD Disordered, I suffered from despair. The pain I felt, the loss that I had, it was real. It was amazing.
Looking back, she had threatened my ability to have basic needs -- food, clothing and shelter -- but those that went through Katrina clearly had a more traumatic event happen to them.
Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline sucks. It's terrible. It changes the way that we view the world, and we lose some of our innocence.
However, we didn't feel like those that went through Hurricane Katrina felt. Our ability to eat and our ability to have a safe roof over our head wasn't compromised like those that went through Katrina. It hurt, we felt bad, but we didn't feel like them.
Or maybe we did:
It's the feeling of despair.
Hurricane Katrina -- True Despair and Hopelessness
I just came back from a weekend in New Orleans where I spent most of my weekend with friends celebrating 25 years of being friends; what amazing people I have in my life. I truly am a blessed man to have such quality people that have stuck with me for all these years.
We spent the weekend bellying up to a New Orleans bar, but I did speak with a number of people about the Hurricane. I spoke the most with Anne, the Concierge at the Hotel where I stayed. She told me about all the people that died from the hurricane, 1,800 in total. She told me about five people that she knew that killed themselves.
Five people that she knew committed suicide.
We're talking about an event here that most of us can't come near comprehending. It was so bad that people took their own lives because of the trauma.
Wow.
I spoke to person after person who said that they lived without food, or lived without water, for days. Having so many people get killed or lose everything from the hurricane impacted everyone in the area. The concierge told me that there are still events that happen that trigger memories of the hurricane and the aftermath afterwards.
I told her that she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then I asked her if she had gone to counseling. She responded that she couldn't because everybody here was going to counseling and had post traumatic stress disorder.
This woman felt despair. This town felt despair. Tears welled up in my eyes as I discussed these events and she told me how it took so long for things to come back to normal. All the people that were so lost as a result of this. I could see what she went through and the pain that she had felt.
The nice thing is that when you have so many people that went through the same event, together, you can, as a group, get through the event. This is what many have done in the area.
Ironically, the event that has helped the area give themselves hope again has been the local football team, the New Orleans Saints. They won the superbowl for the first time this year, and the town rallied around them quite a bit.
When you drive through the city, the billboard by the Superdome reads, "Goodbye to the Saint-Less."
The town rallied around the team, no doubt. They're feeling so much better.
Despair and BPD Relationship Recovery
When I got out of the relationship with the BPD Disordered, I suffered from despair. The pain I felt, the loss that I had, it was real. It was amazing.
Looking back, she had threatened my ability to have basic needs -- food, clothing and shelter -- but those that went through Katrina clearly had a more traumatic event happen to them.
Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline sucks. It's terrible. It changes the way that we view the world, and we lose some of our innocence.
However, we didn't feel like those that went through Hurricane Katrina felt. Our ability to eat and our ability to have a safe roof over our head wasn't compromised like those that went through Katrina. It hurt, we felt bad, but we didn't feel like them.
Or maybe we did:
- Many of us have been threatened by the BPD, some of us to the point of being threatened for our lives. Many of us were beaten by the BPD as well.
- A couple times, I came home to locks being changed by the BPD, so clearly, my stability and knowing where I was living was compromised
Again, I think it's different. This was the person who I thought was going to be my partner, but I still, after writing through it, don't think that I had the intensity of feeling that those who went through Katrina felt.
I think that those that went through 9/11 share more than those that went through a relationship with a BPD. Sure, it sucked, but it didn't suck nearly as much as those that went through 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina.
We all shared feelings of desperation, though.
Making The Best of Despair
I'm not the kind of person who wants life to be monotone. I want highs, and I understand that there are going to be lows.
We learn the most from the lows. The lows that we have help develop our character, our person; we learn how to survive and live through the lows.
You'll feel despair in your life. It's okay, you can get through it. When you get through it, you'll appreciate so much more of the good things, as long as you can learn and grow from the despair that you feel.
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