How To Tell If A Person Is BPD -- It's In The Eyes

There's a look that all BPD's share. I call it "anxiety eyes." When you see a person with this look in their eyes, you can tell that they're borderline.

Are all people that have these eyes borderline? I'm not sure.

I discussed this with a counselor once. The counselor told me that you could spot a Borderline a mile away, by the look in their eyes. The counselor also indicated that borderlines had so much pent up anxiety and intensity that as they aged, their faces would get a chiseled look from the constant clenching

I used to show the BPD her anxiety eyes in pictures. I would say to her, "look, there are your anxiety eyes...I can see them there." She would get upset when I would say something like this.

After we broke up, I saw a couple of pictures of her. She would have them taken where you couldn't see her anxiety eyes. They would either be taken far away or she would have sunglasses.

Strangely, her sister would also have those anxiety eyes in her pictures, although I thought her sister was much more down-to-earth than the BPD.

Do only borderlines have these anxiety eyes? I'm not sure. You can tell a borderline a mile away, though, from the look in their eyes. They have this look where they're looking at you, eyes all wide open, pupils fully dilated, but their look is still somewhat blank.

If you've seen it, you know it. You probably won't forget it.

Ever.

More Perception

I truly have come far since starting this journey two years ago. I was so scared, so lost, so fearful. I knew that the relationship was bad, I knew that it was toxic, but I wasn't ready to break the chains.

The more I'm blessed to live on this earth, the more that I realize that we all have different perceptions of things and the perception that is given to us helps us explain and understand the world. I've blogged about Perception before -- you can read about it here.

If I am correct and our perception is formed by those that are around us, those that influence us from the youngest years, then one's mental health is directly attributable to those that raised us, our caregivers.

If you are raised in an environment of turmoil, an environment of instability, an environment where you are unsure about your basic needs and if they will be met, is your mental health affected? Probably, but you are also busy worrying about having your basic needs of food, clothing and shelter met.

When the BPD would have an anxiety attack and freak out about something. I would sit down with her and ask her about what happened. I would ask her why she reacted like such, and eventually, I told her that such behavior wasn't acceptable. But she continued, and when I would react more and more unhappily, she had numerous excuses. One excuse was, of course, Bob and how she was traumatized by him. Another one, was that her parents were controlling. Very controlling.

We know that we inherit many of our parents' issues as children. Being the noble people that we are, we want to carry on the family tradition, the family dysfunction, so we inherit these things. I carried crosses from my parents and grandparents, as I'm that ultra-responsible person. So, does the BPD do this also?

I think partially. From my experience, it seems that BPDs are in a state of arrested development. They've learned to adapt to the world and behave quite well in normal social situations. They understand the concept of love, but they are not equipped to internalize the concept.

This is why loving a BPD is the same as your first or an early relationship. They understand the concept of love, but they have not matured enough to take an adult attitude towards relationships. They can use their body sexually, but they cannot go to deeper levels like a longstanding relationship has. Over time, a relationship deepens. Relationships with borderline stays on the same level, because they are not equipped to go to other levels.

Back to perception. If we see high anxiety at a young age, and if we see a state of arrested development at a young age, can we as children easily grow past the state of our parents?

I would argue that it would be difficult. Very difficult.

The BPD's mother had lost her younger brother as an infant or toddler while under her watch -- clearly a traumatic experience that negatively impacted the BPD's mother and her life. She probably placed this anxiety on the BPD. Ironically, the BPD had an older sister who was married and seemed to be better adjusted than her borderline sister.

However, they both had the same eyes, which was clear in pictures. It was anxiety eyes. More about this in future posts.

So, I've digressed quite a bit here and have not even gotten to my initial point about perception -- that our perception is so different, that our lives are formed by the perception that our caregivers provide to us from a very young age, and that the Borderline's perception is lost in a state of arrested development.

Finally, I looked back at my old posts about Perception. Reading the posts that I wrote back then saddens me. I was so hurt, so upset, such a wounded soldier.

The nice thing is that I've come so far. I'm still a work in progress. I'll always be a work in progress.

That's why I'm proud to say that the Me Project continues.

Time

That's what everyone who's coming out of a relationship needs -- time. We need time to heal, we need time to understand what's acceptable and what's not, we need time to get back to normal. To get back to ourselves.

No matter how much we want to admit, one changes when they are in a relationship, even a healthy one. You create a code of rights and wrongs, do's and don'ts, lists of what's acceptable and what's not. When you're single, things are different. Much different.

After coming out of a relationship, one's inclination is to jump back into a relationship as soon as possible. Fill the hole that was just made by the person you were with leaving your life. While this seems like the best thing to do, it's farthest from what's best for you. You need time. Alone time.

Life with a borderline is much more acute. They make you feel like they are the only one that will ever love you, and they make you feel like you will never have a relationship like the one that you had with them. You miss and mourn the relationship when you're still with them because they paint such a bleak picture of life without them.

Living without the borderline that you were with is initially very difficult. The relationship is so dysfunctional that you've grown addicted to the borderline, and this addiction is tough to break. Very tough. I initially moved out from living with the BPD two years ago, almost to the day. However, we saw one another for two months while living apart until the relationship completely severed.

They say that you need one year of no contact with a Borderline before the addiction is broken. I would say that because of the acute nature of life with a borderline, you need two years without them to be over 80 percent healed. The trauma and abuse is much more acute, so it takes much more time.

I remember feeling terrible, crying on the train ride into work behind sunglasses every morning and feeling so lonely, so lost, so terrified. Looking back, it was quite irrational, probably partially because I needed spiritual fulfillment, but I felt pretty bad. The BPD puts guilt and shame on you that you don't deserve, that's not yours, but you take it because that's the type of person that you are.

Strangely, I also noticed that my ex wife will also put that same shame and guilt on me, and I take it. I'm not used to others putting their misery on me, as I don't do that to others. Yet they do this. My ex wife is telling me how I have strained the relationship with my son and that he resents me for being in multiple relationships after getting divorced. When I ask her if he has said this, she indicates, "no, but I think it's subconscious."

She's miserable. She has always wanted to put her misery and her miserable existence on as many people as possible. I feel bad for my kids and try to keep them out of that, but they'll undoubtedly be affected.

So, here's another connection that I've made about myself: I'm the kind of person that will let others lean on them, and I need to have clear boundaries. If I don't, people that are emotionally needy as well as emotional vampires will take advantage of me and try to put their own shame and guilt on me.

This is why I still write in this blog. As a professional writer, I need an avenue for myself to clear the cobwebs. A place for me to keep the garbage out of my head so I can write clearly and succinctly.

The funniest thing is that I said that the chapter ended almost 1-1/2 years ago. It had only just begun.

The me project and My BPD relationship recovery continues.

More About Bob -- BPD Drama

For those of you that have not followed the blog or don't remember earlier posts, before I was in the relationship with the BPD, she dated someone else, let's call him "Bob," for three years. Her relationship with Bob was, let's say, quite eventful:

- she had an affair on her husband with Bob -- they were from the same neighborhood

- she told her husband about the affair with Bob

- her husband died in a drunk driving car accident while they were still married, but she was having an affair with Bob

- after her husband died, she and Bob continued their relationship

- she was scorned by her neighbors about her relationship with Bob. Her neighborhood knew both her and Bob. They also knew both of their spouses.

Looking back and thinking about the true drama that this woman was able to conjure in her life, it was amazing. I always felt bad for her, and this is one of the major contributors for me feeling bad for her. She had so much drama in her life, obviously her making, but so much drama. Then I come along and I try to diffuse the drama, day in and day out.

I thought about something a while ago. I think that, in the end, she rejected me, not because of her perceived attitude towards me being a bad person, but rather that she didn't like how I operated. I refused to live in the drama, and I fought it every step of the way. I know that in itself was drama, but I believe that in the end, she had to reject me because she needed the drama.

Maybe I'm wrong. When I moved out, she told me, in no uncertain terms, "I don't want you to leave." But maybe she didn't want me to leave for the wrong reasons -- because she was afraid of being alone. Not because she cared for me. It was clearly no-win -- stay with someone who thinks you're evil, or be alone. I'd rather be alone, thank you.

Back to Bob. She told me all these things that she did with Bob and to Bob -- from cheating on Bob (uh, wait, she was married then, so she cheated on her husband and her lover and felt bad about cheating on her lover -- how whacked is that?) to seeing him on the road and giving him the finger. She told me that someone was trying to pick her up at a bar and he freaked out -- that made her feel good.

Looking back, I feel bad for Bob -- because I lived the life that he lived. Always trying to get close to someone who constantly pushes you away, and the only place you can connect with them is in the bedroom.

Constant drama. Eventual self-alienation where she felt so uncomfortable that she moved out of town.

You reap what you sew.

In the end, she was calling me the names and telling me that I was the narcissist. Bob was just a sick pervert in her mind.

In Bob's mind, he was planning on moving into the house that she bought out-of-town. In her mind, he was never moving in, or that's what she told me. He thought that was their dream house.

Poor Bob.

The entire Bob incident culminated one evening in October (I think she said that it was October 18) in a firehouse. Read about the culmination in an upcoming post.

Letting Go

I recently received a letter discussing the healing and how healing involves letting go of the BPD of the relationship, of everything. The email indicated that I had a lot more healing to do and I had to let go.

I disagree. I do have a lot of healing to do, but for other reasons. I haven't seen this woman for nearly two years -- how could I NOT have let go?

I've recognized the good times of the relationship, and I look back at those times fondly.

However, I also recognize the bad times of the relationship, and I'm still healing from the small abuse and control tactics.

I've let go, but I'm still healing.

Last night, I went out to my car to get something. I was gone for 30 seconds. When I got back, the fear that I used to have when I was in a relationship with the BPD fell upon ready, and I began to mentally brace myself for the 'what were you doing? Who were you sending a text message to?' accusations.

I quickly breathed a sigh of relief when those accusations didn't come from my girlfriend. They've never come and they never will come. I then tell her, "you don't know how bad my life was when I was with her."

I don't need to let go. I do need to heal from the abuse that I suffered from her. That abuse, no matter how confident you are, eventually wears on your soul and wears you down.

It wore me down and ate into me. I'm still recovering. Thank The Lord that Jennie is a patient and kind woman.