Contributed by David
There comes a time in every relationship with a borderline where despite all that you as the non can do, say, not say, etc. that you will be split black (all bad). Being split can happen out of the blue and can leave one reeling with the mixed emotions to numerous to mention here. One day you may be enjoying the "best" intimacy, sex, 'love', times of the relationship and the next you are dealing with a robot void of emotion, icy cold, and being completely ignored. It's during these times that my ex and I usually broke up and she continued to abuse me by simply ignoring all of my attempts to "make" right or at least figure out wtf happened. YES, being painted black and being completely ignored is a form of abuse the borderline WILL inflict upon you even as they justify it by giving seemingly logical statements that usually go with a breakup (this is why for those who have experienced this you often feel violated and confused). In my case this is also when she would already be in the bed of another man, typically someone she knew would really get my goat! Splitting can last for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and even years! With the borderline you just never know when they may reach out to you, it could even be a chance encounter on the street that causes them to split you WHITE (good) again.
The Relentless search for Mr/Mrs Right and Why Splitting?
One criteria for being diagnosed with BPD is the unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, marked by shifts in attitudes towards others (splitting) from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance, and prominent patterns of controlling/manipulating others.
Splitting is a primitive defensive mechanism (we all do it from time to time) that for borderlines is an automatic response (not intentional, it just happens for them) to the pain of dysphoria--
anxiety, rage, depression, despair, being alone, perceived and real abandonment, etc. This is especially true when someone with BPD tries to relate to someone in even a remotely intimate, let alone intimate way.
"At any given moment, you as the Non are viewed by your borderline significant other as either all good, or all bad. They don't usually spend much time thinking, "Hey, you do bad things sometimes,but mostly you are a good person." This is beyond the ability of most people with borderline traits. If you disagree with something they say, then merely by disagreeing you become a bad person. The splitting behavior is what makes borderlines so addictive to Nons.
Sometimes a split can become permanent. If you are permanently split bad, then they can no longer see any good coming out of you. This is why it's so easy for them to engage in tactics such as the distortion campaign. After all, you are Hitler, Stalin and Satan rolled into one, and you get what you deserve. "
How do I know my ex uBPD split me this last time other than the obvious?
I hadn't thought about it until now, while writing but a couple days after the bomb was dropped and I stopped by her place to drop off and get a few things (she wouldn't let me in and only brought a couple of items out) she made the following statement, "Doing this goes against my complete grain. I just can't explain why I no longer have any feelings for you. I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone ever again." Of course that night she was off sleeping with her "friend".
In this case you can see how I was already 'split'. Her comment about not having any feelings for me was accurate, by this point she probably was not and paired with a new "honeymoon" period with another guy she had no reason to respond or think differently. She was just ice cold.
Now, a yearning for the unhealthy...
I found myself very addicted to her after several splits. That pattern of being valued then devalued overtime can really set up a codependent like me for some suffering. It's hard to imagine a person with whom you love going from being so full of life and needing you, even clinging to you that suddenly changes and is now a cold, lifeless robot who executes the breakup with such emotionless precision all in what seems like the snap of a finger.
I've found myself certainly yearning for her return, has to do with my inner child still not getting "it" and just wanting the excitement back and this pain to go away. It has to do with the fact that I'm an addict to her and am going cold turkey, some days are better than others. Another thing is that according to our on again-off again pattern I am now approaching the time frame of when we would usually get back together. I not sure if this will happen (she is at least shacking up with a different guy this time) but as I've been told, it isn't over yet! Who knows how her new relationship has been or how long the honeymoon period will last and maybe, just maybe after two years of me not being able to meet her needs she won't value me as much as in the past. Either way I have found myself yearning for her and I wanted to share that and a response I received in regards to that...
"You can't save anyone with uBPD, no matter how much you believe you love them. the best thing to do when you're in that mode (yearning) is to NOT be afraid of that feeling. Acknowledge it and answer it with something healthy. You need some love and warmth. You know SHE can't be depended on for that. You know it isn't the healthiest thing to look to another woman for that while you're still healing. So give that to yourself. Take care of yourself and keep yourself warm.
I know you're already in this frame of mind, so this is just a reminder. That feeling of yearning CANNOT be mended by this woman. She CANNOT fill the emptiness. She CANNOT offer the salve to your burn. If she were to reach out to you, she could never mend your wound, only exacerbate it.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
PTSD After A BPD Relationship
I've been out of the relationship with the borderline for nearly 2-1/2 years. Most bad memories are going away. They're mostly gone, but I need to admit that I still carry big scars from the relationship.
I definitely have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the BPD relationship. She scarred me badly.
All the accusations that she made about me took something out of me.
Everything that she said about me, ways that she acted, things that she said, hurt bad.
Past Life Amplified
My ex wife hurt me bad too. I'm not trying to whine here, but she said, usually during her drinking binges, things like, "the only reason that I'm with you is because I don't have to work." Ouch. Probably the one that hurt the most was, "I don't want you tonight, I want him."
Those things scar you. Now, I'm nearly ten years out of that life, but that one was pretty frigging traumatic. I got out of that one. I just had to. It was way too dysfunctional.
Now that I'm thinking about it, the relationship with the borderline was similar to my ex wife's but it was just amplified. She said things blatantly, while my ex wife had to be drunk to make such accusations. Either way, they both said things that were way hurtful, way mean, way too much for one to say to another lover.
In future posts, look for a formal definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how it happens, what the repercussions are, etc. For now, suffice it to say that you need to be aware of it, what it can do, and how it can affect you. If you were in a full blown borderline relationship, you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Next, we'll look on how to heal from it. We will recover from the BPD relationship.
I definitely have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the BPD relationship. She scarred me badly.
All the accusations that she made about me took something out of me.
Everything that she said about me, ways that she acted, things that she said, hurt bad.
Past Life Amplified
My ex wife hurt me bad too. I'm not trying to whine here, but she said, usually during her drinking binges, things like, "the only reason that I'm with you is because I don't have to work." Ouch. Probably the one that hurt the most was, "I don't want you tonight, I want him."
Those things scar you. Now, I'm nearly ten years out of that life, but that one was pretty frigging traumatic. I got out of that one. I just had to. It was way too dysfunctional.
Now that I'm thinking about it, the relationship with the borderline was similar to my ex wife's but it was just amplified. She said things blatantly, while my ex wife had to be drunk to make such accusations. Either way, they both said things that were way hurtful, way mean, way too much for one to say to another lover.
In future posts, look for a formal definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how it happens, what the repercussions are, etc. For now, suffice it to say that you need to be aware of it, what it can do, and how it can affect you. If you were in a full blown borderline relationship, you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Next, we'll look on how to heal from it. We will recover from the BPD relationship.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Vacation: Replacing The Memories
I had a great week of vacation. Thanks to David for his contributions -- he wrote both You Are Not Alone and Remembering The Past. It still amazes me how so many of us had (or are having) the same walk.
If you want to contribute a posting to this blog, let me know. Send me an email at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com and let me know what you'd like to write about and how you'll cover it. We love to hear from guest bloggers.
Active Time
So, last week I went to Vermont for a quick, mini-ski vacation. My friend Chris was on military leave, and we decided to have a workout vacation. We did just that. Running, skiing, mountain biking, we were quite active.
On Monday, I picked him up from the airport, and we went running. We then drove north to Vermont where we skied at Mount Snow on Tuesday.
What a day of skiing we had. The conditions were absolutely perfect with the entire mountain being open and the snow being loosely packed. We skied the entire mountain, and it snowed a good part of the day. There were few people on the mountain, so we had the place to ourselves to boot. What a great day.
From there, we went further north and drove to Killington where we stayed at the same place that the BPD and I stayed. Being lifelong buddies, Chris and I are different. We don't really even party. Every night, we were in bed at 10 pm so we could get up early and be on the ski slopes when the lifts start running.
Replacing Old Memories
This was the first time that I had been skiing in Vermont, particularly Killington, since my relationship with the BPD. Chris and I went to some of the same restaurants that I went with the BPD. Given the time that has helped heal the wounds and being with Chris, we had a good time. I was able to replace the memories with the borderline. Next, I'll take Jennie to these places as she'll love them.
Chris was married to a suspected borderline, and he actually first introduced me to the disorder. He's someone who knows my story, and he's a good person. We share a number of hobbies and see the world through similar glasses.
We hit the mountains of Killington hard and skied for the entire day, only breaking for lunch. The conditions were perfect, and the skiing was fast and furious. Later in the week, we drove home, ran some more, and went mountain biking as well.
What a great mini-vacation. I needed it, given the stresses and fast pace of work right now.
Self Realization
While I was away, I was able to think about the relationship that I was in with the Borderline and the needs that it filled in me. Given that borderlines lack any real identity, the relationship was initially what I needed it to be. I realized that there were weaknesses in me and my personality that needed work. The relationship with the borderline helped me expose these weaknesses and work on them.
I'm back from vacation and have lots of new material coming in the near future. From the definition of bpd to how to create rules to live by, I'll be providing more useful information that I hope you can use for dealing with your BPD relationship or recovering from your BPD relationship.
It's good to be back.
If you want to contribute a posting to this blog, let me know. Send me an email at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com and let me know what you'd like to write about and how you'll cover it. We love to hear from guest bloggers.
Active Time
So, last week I went to Vermont for a quick, mini-ski vacation. My friend Chris was on military leave, and we decided to have a workout vacation. We did just that. Running, skiing, mountain biking, we were quite active.
On Monday, I picked him up from the airport, and we went running. We then drove north to Vermont where we skied at Mount Snow on Tuesday.
What a day of skiing we had. The conditions were absolutely perfect with the entire mountain being open and the snow being loosely packed. We skied the entire mountain, and it snowed a good part of the day. There were few people on the mountain, so we had the place to ourselves to boot. What a great day.
From there, we went further north and drove to Killington where we stayed at the same place that the BPD and I stayed. Being lifelong buddies, Chris and I are different. We don't really even party. Every night, we were in bed at 10 pm so we could get up early and be on the ski slopes when the lifts start running.
Replacing Old Memories
This was the first time that I had been skiing in Vermont, particularly Killington, since my relationship with the BPD. Chris and I went to some of the same restaurants that I went with the BPD. Given the time that has helped heal the wounds and being with Chris, we had a good time. I was able to replace the memories with the borderline. Next, I'll take Jennie to these places as she'll love them.
Chris was married to a suspected borderline, and he actually first introduced me to the disorder. He's someone who knows my story, and he's a good person. We share a number of hobbies and see the world through similar glasses.
We hit the mountains of Killington hard and skied for the entire day, only breaking for lunch. The conditions were perfect, and the skiing was fast and furious. Later in the week, we drove home, ran some more, and went mountain biking as well.
What a great mini-vacation. I needed it, given the stresses and fast pace of work right now.
Self Realization
While I was away, I was able to think about the relationship that I was in with the Borderline and the needs that it filled in me. Given that borderlines lack any real identity, the relationship was initially what I needed it to be. I realized that there were weaknesses in me and my personality that needed work. The relationship with the borderline helped me expose these weaknesses and work on them.
I'm back from vacation and have lots of new material coming in the near future. From the definition of bpd to how to create rules to live by, I'll be providing more useful information that I hope you can use for dealing with your BPD relationship or recovering from your BPD relationship.
It's good to be back.
Monday, January 25, 2010
You are not alone...
This was also written by contributor David showing how many resources there are for the Non. Look for more tips and links to resources in upcoming posts.
It's amazing that after clicking my heels three times (well this is breakup number three isn't it) and hence returning from the Land of Oz, I have found so many online resources to aid in my recovery from a two year addictive (see how I need to replace 'love" with what it really was...) relationship to my uBPD (undiagnosed Borderline).
One thing I have absolutely realized is that my story is so similiar in many ways to others who have been in this type of abusive relationship. Another is that I finally realized that I was very codependent and that I had things to work on myself. Typically BPD relationships either last 18 months or 15 years, depending on the level of codependency a non like me displays. Me, I had it so bad that I actually developed traits of my borderline (suicidal ideation, impulsivity in regards to her, obsessing about her, rage to the point of grabbing her, etc.), all things that have since left me and where not there before her. Now I am not blaming her for my behaviors but I do realize how being with her did trigger these things inside me.
Besides this blog where I realized that the words and stories could have literally been my own, I discovered several other online resources. A website by a psychologist who has written some great articles for non's about BPD and relationships titled GettinBetter literally is what caused the lightbulb to go off in my head after year 2 and breakup #3. I've read that when you have this experience as a non, you journey to recovery can begin (though it will be very difficult) because you finally have that moment of clarity that you have been a part of a dysfunctional (and not love, stars aligned, soul mate finally, person you want to spend the rest of your life with, etc) relationship. I recommend reading shell shocked and at any cost first but then read everything she has. Another thing I have been doing is visiting a Psychology and Mental health forums that relates to BPD. I soon discovered that there a quite a few nons who share their struggles and personal accounts as well as diagnosed and recovering BPDers with some insight into the thoughts of a BPDer.
I'm so amazed at how with all the knowledge I have about BPD, my own dysfunctional realtionship expereince, the calmness that is now coming into my life, church, prayer, this blog, therapy, supportive friends, etc. how truly hard it is to push the thought of her out of my life. I have good days where I only waste a few moments of my time and others where I wake up and have thoughts of her all freakin day long. That's the addictive part I hate the most, it's worse than any drug or other behavior I've ever indulged in.
I did not love her, I was ADDICTED to her and the extreme ups she offered (subconsiously at times for sure) as well as the chaos in that relationship. That's been the hardest truth yet for me to swallow.
"yes it is time to educate MY inner child, who is encumbering me with nagging doubts and might have beens. The problem now is that MY inner child does not yet feel it is true. The hard part was not going through the end of that relationship nor learning about BPD but now internalizing to feel it at the gut level (inner child). Where as my gut once said she is the one, my soulmate, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I must now replace that with the cold hard truths of what it really was... a big fat LIE."
It's amazing that after clicking my heels three times (well this is breakup number three isn't it) and hence returning from the Land of Oz, I have found so many online resources to aid in my recovery from a two year addictive (see how I need to replace 'love" with what it really was...) relationship to my uBPD (undiagnosed Borderline).
One thing I have absolutely realized is that my story is so similiar in many ways to others who have been in this type of abusive relationship. Another is that I finally realized that I was very codependent and that I had things to work on myself. Typically BPD relationships either last 18 months or 15 years, depending on the level of codependency a non like me displays. Me, I had it so bad that I actually developed traits of my borderline (suicidal ideation, impulsivity in regards to her, obsessing about her, rage to the point of grabbing her, etc.), all things that have since left me and where not there before her. Now I am not blaming her for my behaviors but I do realize how being with her did trigger these things inside me.
Besides this blog where I realized that the words and stories could have literally been my own, I discovered several other online resources. A website by a psychologist who has written some great articles for non's about BPD and relationships titled GettinBetter literally is what caused the lightbulb to go off in my head after year 2 and breakup #3. I've read that when you have this experience as a non, you journey to recovery can begin (though it will be very difficult) because you finally have that moment of clarity that you have been a part of a dysfunctional (and not love, stars aligned, soul mate finally, person you want to spend the rest of your life with, etc) relationship. I recommend reading shell shocked and at any cost first but then read everything she has. Another thing I have been doing is visiting a Psychology and Mental health forums that relates to BPD. I soon discovered that there a quite a few nons who share their struggles and personal accounts as well as diagnosed and recovering BPDers with some insight into the thoughts of a BPDer.
I'm so amazed at how with all the knowledge I have about BPD, my own dysfunctional realtionship expereince, the calmness that is now coming into my life, church, prayer, this blog, therapy, supportive friends, etc. how truly hard it is to push the thought of her out of my life. I have good days where I only waste a few moments of my time and others where I wake up and have thoughts of her all freakin day long. That's the addictive part I hate the most, it's worse than any drug or other behavior I've ever indulged in.
I did not love her, I was ADDICTED to her and the extreme ups she offered (subconsiously at times for sure) as well as the chaos in that relationship. That's been the hardest truth yet for me to swallow.
"yes it is time to educate MY inner child, who is encumbering me with nagging doubts and might have beens. The problem now is that MY inner child does not yet feel it is true. The hard part was not going through the end of that relationship nor learning about BPD but now internalizing to feel it at the gut level (inner child). Where as my gut once said she is the one, my soulmate, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I must now replace that with the cold hard truths of what it really was... a big fat LIE."
Monday, January 18, 2010
Remembering the past.....
This post was written by regular contributor David -- when you read this, you can see how we share similar stories. Happy Birthday David.
Today was my birthday and all I could think about was how the year before I spent it with my ex. We had just gotten back together in December (AGAINST all odds or so I thought), had spent a wonderful New Years together (alone, we couldn't have her friends knowing...), for Christmas I bought us tickets to a concert the day after my birthday so had that to look forward to. All the pain from before was covered by her borderline allure.
Of course within a month there would be signs (like on her birthday at the end of the month) and of course the pressure to commit by moving in together (none of our friends knew or would help that we asked), March move in and by the end of April all hell had come unloose!
Last year we went to a nice wine bar here in the city, my coworker had just been there and we had a nice evening together. I'm sure we went back to her place and had sex. I wanted to spend the rest of life with her. I wondered today why when we were together she always wanted me to stay at her place but when she was with other men (even now) she goes over there, they never (that I know of) are in her bed. I think I'm having hopeful thinking here and need to remind myself of the facts.
Not sure why knowing all this I missed her, on MY birthday! I miss the nuzzle of her against me, her laugh, her kiss, her body and intensity. All I could think of was how she was him now, today when she should have been with me....and on goes the addiction!
A couple responses I posted on another site are a good reminder of how it was this last time (maybe threes the charm to break free?). I tried to copy them here but it would work, plus you'll get to see the context of them.
15 days till I expect contact from her to begin, hence is the pattern over the past two years.
Today was my birthday and all I could think about was how the year before I spent it with my ex. We had just gotten back together in December (AGAINST all odds or so I thought), had spent a wonderful New Years together (alone, we couldn't have her friends knowing...), for Christmas I bought us tickets to a concert the day after my birthday so had that to look forward to. All the pain from before was covered by her borderline allure.
Of course within a month there would be signs (like on her birthday at the end of the month) and of course the pressure to commit by moving in together (none of our friends knew or would help that we asked), March move in and by the end of April all hell had come unloose!
Last year we went to a nice wine bar here in the city, my coworker had just been there and we had a nice evening together. I'm sure we went back to her place and had sex. I wanted to spend the rest of life with her. I wondered today why when we were together she always wanted me to stay at her place but when she was with other men (even now) she goes over there, they never (that I know of) are in her bed. I think I'm having hopeful thinking here and need to remind myself of the facts.
Not sure why knowing all this I missed her, on MY birthday! I miss the nuzzle of her against me, her laugh, her kiss, her body and intensity. All I could think of was how she was him now, today when she should have been with me....and on goes the addiction!
A couple responses I posted on another site are a good reminder of how it was this last time (maybe threes the charm to break free?). I tried to copy them here but it would work, plus you'll get to see the context of them.
15 days till I expect contact from her to begin, hence is the pattern over the past two years.
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