Have No Fear

Everyone lives in fear of things. We fear falling off of a tall building, getting hurt, getting burned by a fire. In many instances, fear is beneficial. Without fear, we would hurt ourselves physically, often beyond repair.

However, much of fear is not beneficial and is in fact paralyzing. We live in fear that we are going to lose our job. We live in fear that we will be financially ruined. We live in fear that the special person in our life is going to leave us.

For many of us, we recognize the fear then move forward. Others live cautiously, too cautiously, as a result of the fear.

Others are paralyzed by fears, be them real or imagined.

Others, particularly those with personality disorders, will actually make things up because their fears rule them so much that they become reality. The term Fears Become Facts indicates this type of fear.

Besides obvious fears of personal safety and basic fears of things like fire, I'm working on living without fear. Fear paralyzes and restricts us more than it does any good, so why let it rule us?

I am in control of my life. I will not let fear rule me and paralyze me. Life is too short to be paralyzed by fear of anything.

Take chances. If you're not happy with something, change it. Ask for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. Life is too short. Do it. Do It Now, and have no fear.

We live in a world of abundance. The only one that makes the world not abundant is us. Because we live in this world of abundance, we should not have fear of failure. This is, by far, our biggest fear. Material possessions are just material possessions, and we do not take the materials with us when we die. Our gravestone will not say that we had lots of stuff.

We cannot live in fear of anything. We simply cannot. If we do, we are not living up to our potential.

For me, it's time for me to do quite a few things. I'm about to launch a number of initiatives that will begin to provide my foundation for living the life I dreamed of. I'm not worried about material, but I am planning on having many more experiences and seeing the world. Seeing every part of America. Returning to Thailand to see the beautiful people of that country that renewed my love of mankind. Visiting Vietnam, India, more of Europe. Seeing the Tour de France next summer in person on the side of the road either in the Alps or Pyranies (sp?).

It's a small world, and I'm a writer with plenty of ambition, dreams and aspirations. My priorities have shifted in the past six months, and they'll continue this shift.

What a wonderful thing that is.

Have no fear of anything. See the world. Experience as much as you can, then experience more. Throw your television out the window and start living life instead of living life through others.

I'm so blessed to have the opportunities that I have. I'll continue to make them, will continue to give back, thank God for giving me everything that I have, try to manage my fear so I have none, and continue to reap the benefits of the abundant world. I invite all of you to join me -- it's a wonderful world without fear.

What Every BPD Could Say to Keep Their Partner

Most BPDs don't know this, but most Non's would stay with their BPD forever if they would do some simple things and say some simple things to their partner.

Unfortunately, the BPD truly believes their thoughts. Their thoughts mimic that of a child's, and they can't think clearly enough to even understand what they are doing to their partner. They make the world such where they are the victim of everyone else in the world and responsible for nothing.

What words should every BPD say?

I'm so sorry.

Denise -- A Great Example of BPD Jealousy

I forgot to talk about Denise -- my exBPD's cousin's girlfriend. The BPD thought that I had something for this girl, despite the fact that she was 15 years younger than me and not as attractive as the BPD.

It all started at one of her family reunions. Her cousin and girlfriend (Denise) were staying at the BPD's place. After we spent time with the entire family, they came back and hung out with our clan, always a good time. Except the BPD thought that I had something for her, so in the middle of the night, she starts her accusations:

"You keep asking, 'where's Denise? What's she doing?' WHY DO YOU CARE?"

Ummmm, I'm just trying to be hospitable.

That's not the classic one, though. The following morning, Denise wants to shower. I point her in the direction of the Master Bathroom, give her a towel, and she's taking a shower. Door's closed and she's showering in complete privacy.

After giving Denise the towel, I go into the Master Bedroom Closet to get something. The BPD is on me right away.

"You're stalking Denise. You're waiting for her to get out so you can have a look at her."

Uhhhhh, no, I'm just getting something.

That one was the classic one. She was convinced that i was stalking this girl that was pretty but not as pretty as the BPD, way too young for me, and...well, I think you get the point. She didn't care, though. Somehow I was capable of such a thing.

The following year, the same thing occurred -- her Denise jealousy flared up.

"We're hanging out with Denise all the time...you're making eyes at Denise and hitting on her...you're checking out Denise because she's in a bathing suite..."

Uh, no, no no. Denise and her boyfriend, Frankie, had similar interests and we got along with them. It was a good relationship.

"Take me home now," I told her, "unless you apologize. I'm not taking such treatment. I would never do that to you, and if you think that, then I want you to take me home now."

She apologized.

Denise was brought up in group counseling sessions -- that's how much the BPD really thought that I would hit on a girl that was 22 years old, 15 years younger than me, and the girlfriend of her cousin. BPDs can't fathom that others have boundaries and respect them, because they don't have such boundaries.

That's why it's difficult to trust a BPD. You never know what they're going to do.

Scary. Downright scary that someone can think like that. They can, though.

Tolerance

Our life is defined by how we tolerate things.

I don't think I could say it any simpler. What we tolerate in life determines how we live, how easy or hard a life we have, and ultimately how much we enjoy our lives.

If we tolerate too many things that are bad for us, our self esteem and self worth suffers, and our overall emotional health suffers.

If we tolerate too little, we do not have the opportunity to enjoy the pleasures that life offers. We live a shallow life as we can never see events through to our conclusion, we have few if any longlasting relationships and we live a judgemental life. Those that tolerate little live life that is isolated, sheltered and downright lonely.

Tolerance is key in life, but not at your own personal expense. Think about life and if the trials that you are being put through have any benefit. Weigh the benefit against the expense, then decide whether it is worth tolerating.

Do NOT lose your self-worth or self dignity in the name of a relationship, a team, a group, or anything else. Tolerate the tolerable; do not tolerate the intolerable.

Do not accept the unacceptable.

Living in groups requires us to tolerate. It requires us to tolerate others' views, others' cultures, others' looks, others' personalities, and the like. This is what makes the human race such a wondeful race -- we can work together to accomplish goals, and our level of cooperation, combined with our level of intelligence, makes us one of, if not the most superior being on this planet.

The key is tolerance. If we can tolerate the good, accept the good, understand the good, and not tolerate the bad, we can live a well-rounded, fulfilled life. 

This is most challenging in life and requires plenty of practice. Many, if not most, are not good at tolerating what is normal, and not tolerating what is not normal. They fall short somewhere or another -- either they tolerate too little or too much. Striking the balance requires a lifetime of learning.

Borderlines in particular are not very tolerant. Their issues are so acute, and their perception of the world is so myopic that they cannot build a well-rounded view that tolerates the tolerable. They have to overstep areas and not tolerate the acceptable, or in fact, not tolerate what could be delightful to them.

Storytime

So, I've got this blog that's become *pretty* popular and well-read by the world, particularly those that are recovering from relationships with Borderlines -- I feel for you, believe me. It's a tough road that you're currently going down, but it gets better. If you do the work, you'll end up an amazing person. Make sure that you do the work, though.

So I still feel this need to entertain you, this need to keep giving you information that you need, so I'll tell you stories. Stories about the relationship that we had. I'll discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So, why not start at the first date?

I met the BPD on an Internet dating site which will remain nameless for the time being. I believe that Internet dating sites can be fine, but you need to fully screen people that you meet. She and I exchanged emails but that was it.

The first date was a great date. We discussed our past, what we were looking for, and how we got to dating in our late 30s. The date was memorable -- from what we discussed to how it ended:

- We drank too much. We started by having a drink at one bar, then having sushi for dinner and drinking more, then smoking and drinking at another bar, then going to yet another bar and drinking there also.

- At the end of the night, she was visibly drunk and was going to head home. I urged her not to drive, as I was feeling buzzed and weighed 70 pounds more than her. My urgings finally convinced her not to drive, so we had coffee at a diner.

- She asked me questions, and told me things, that were clearly inappropriate and violated basic boundaries, typical of a borderline. They do not have boundaries, so they do not know how to respect them. Examples of these questions:

- Have you ever had a threesome? I have.

There were plenty more questions as well. They were questions that made you feel like the person was very interested in you, not without boundaries. I should have known, but did not have the experience to understand this.

The night also ended without boundary. We made out in my car, then she whispered in my ear "tell me what you like." A guy loves hearing these kinds of things -- they make you feel like someone's real into you. But you also think that she does this with anyone.

I responded, "I'm not ready to tell you that." I liked her and wanted the relationship to blossom. Didn't want to take advantage either.

So, boundaries were crossed on the first date. It was a fun night, but there was early evidence that she was going to continually cross boundaries. 

The second date really started to show how badly the boundaries would be crossed. The third date was even worse. Stay tuned.

The Grand Finale

Today was the day -- or maybe it was next week -- but for history's sake, I'm going to mark today as the day that we last spoke, for the final time.

I was at work, and she was in her normal rage. She had told me goodbye, and me, in my not normal self, immediately put myself on a dating site. The BPD had done this one of the many times that we broke up, and she had done it once again this time. She put herself on a dating site.

I put myself on one too. She freaked out. Absolutely freaked.

Now, just to recap, the BPD had put herself on a dating site when she broke up with me. However, when I put my profile on that same dating site, the BPD freaks out.

I start getting text messages that say, "As you read this message with your sadistic shit eating grin, I hope you die in hell with Satan."

I can't believe that I remember that, but I remembered it. In fact, I saved that message on my phone for months. When I would feel real weak and want to reach out to the BPD, I'd look at that message and remember that was her thought towards me.

Then after that, the drama got worse. Her messages went to "ohhhh, I'll miss you....goodbye my lover..." It was so strange, from one extreme of hatred to total disarray.

The saddest thing? I fell for it and played along, fully engulfed in the BPDs drama. She was so upset that I was on a dating site yet had herself on the site before I was there. 

The following day, we spoke on the phone, and she was raging at me. Telling me how bad of a person I was, again, and telling me how all of this was my fault. 

She then told me that she would be going to a bar by my house and not to go there. I told her that I was closer and I was going there. Her response?

"I'll start dating the bartender and get you kicked out."

Huh?

This was the grand finale. Someone that I thought that I was going to marry, someone that I looked at buying the dream house with, someone that I fully let go, tells me that she's going to start dating a bartender to get me kicked out of a bar?

There's priorities for you. 

1 Year

This is the one year anniversary of when she and I last saw one another. One year ago this weekend, we spent time together for the last time.

It's so crazy, looking back, thinking about where I was at with my life back then and how completely different it is now.

It's so different. I've grown so much and have changed so much.

Things with us one year ago were turbulent, to say the least. The funny thing is that thinking back about everything, I now realize how her perception was so different than mine. She was paying me lip service but in her mind, I was the bad one regardless of what she said. I was evil, I was the abuser, I was the one that caused her so much pain. 

The strange thing is that I always thought that things would come back together, but maybe I didn't. I had moved out, and I was beginning to determine ways to safeguard myself and my family. 

Anyway, it was one year ago when she said to me "I'll never trust you again," then drove away in her fit of fury.

She never trusted me from the start. Her loss. I'm pretty trustworthy.

They say it takes one year to fully heal from a Borderline relationship. One full year of no contact. 

This was the last time that she and I had contact, with the exception of some emails and text messages sent at the beginning of this year.

The latest contact that she tried to initiate was via the police department where she accused me of breaking into her Internet photo account, putting pictures of myself on her account.

Have I healed?

Yes.

Have I lost a piece of me?

Definitely

The End of The Innocence

One of the major attractions that a non has to a borderline is their innocence. They seem so innocent, so pure, and you think that you have such a pure love with them.

Unfortunately, this is an illusion. They make you feel like you have this "fairytale" romance that's so pure, but it's not. It's not real. You're merely a part of their play, I'm sorry to say

So, in the end, you lose your innocence. You emerge a better person, a stronger person, but a more callous person. Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline requires you to lose this as you re-acclimate with the world.

The nice thing is that you emerge with a level of clarity like no other. You almost see things too clearly.

I used to fear seeing her. Then I looked forward to seeing her so I could show her the person that I've emerged into.

Now, I don't care if I ever see her again. I still miss her daughters dearly, but her I don't care about.

That's what a year does -- it allows you to let go. For good.