BPD and Thanksgiving: Holiday Drama

The BPD was quite interesting around the holidays. Her parents, who lived a couple of states away, would come up for this holiday and would stay with her sister.

However, my family has had a tradition that is now about 20 years old. My parents have Thanksgiving dinner every year at their house. My kids have never missed a year, and none of us miss this tradition.

Thanksgiving is the time of year where we get together, celebrate good times and enjoy one another. We have a close family that enjoys one another's company, so there is no dysfunction at family meals.

The Borderline's family was different. The BPD's mother is an alcoholic, drinking at least a bottle of wine a night, so the dysfunction runs rampant. Her father never had a real career, working as a sales representative for multiple companies and selling groceries, air conditioners and other products. No wonder there were so many problems, looking back.

Anyway, in 2006, we were together, and I told her about Thanksgiving, which she was happy to attend. Given that her parents were in town, we would have dessert at her sister's house so we could see her family -- the win-win for all involved.

Her parents weren't very happy. They wanted us to be there for the entire time. When she told them otherwise, it caused major issues.

When we got there, her mother was drunk and made a scene. At least we know where the BPD learned about drama.

I tried to keep things light, but it was a train wreck. The kids had a good time, which is what matters.

The following year was right before we broke up. We actually saw Valerie the last time right after Thanksgiving, but we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. This is when The Showdown occurred and we discussed who was borderline -- more total BPD Drama. I had thought we were going to be back together in the near future, but the relationship imploded within two weeks, not to be put back together.

The BPD learned about drama from her family, and it was clearly displayed by her mother. They couldn't respect the fact that my family was having Thanksgiving and that we would split our attendance so both would be happy. It was an all-or-nothing proposition in their mind, win-lose.

The drama never stopped. Every turn had to be conflict. Drama proves their worth, and this is yet another example of this.

BPD Drama: Something About Mary

Borderlines love the drama. They live on it. It defines them.

While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.

We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.

However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.

Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.

Something About Mary

Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:

- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair

- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset

- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was

- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her

- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice

- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house

- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her

- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it

Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.

As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.

Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.

BPD Drama: Movie Stars

Borderlines love drama. They subconsciously love it. They define themselves and their self worth by the drama that is spinning around them. If their world is in turmoil, they're subconsciously happy.

Drama proves to the BPD that they are important, that they matter to the world. The BPD proves to themselves that they matter by testing their partners, setting boundaries and seeing how big the boundaries are that their partner will break.

What works best for the BPD is when the partner actually breaks the boundaries. This allows them to be victims, something that the BPD loves.

The Borderline that I was with used to tell me about Bob, her old boyfriend, and the boundaries that he broke:
- After they had broken up, he came back to her with a bouquet of roses, begging for her to take him back.

- He used to break into her house to see her, going through a window when he wanted to get into the house

- She would tell him that she was calling the police and not to come over. He would tell her what the phone number for the police was and would say that he's on his way over, coming over.

- He actually kicked down a door in her garage to get into her house.

I must disclaim that these are accusations that the BPD made about Bob. Whether they are real or not, I'm not sure. My conversation with Bob indicated a whole different story. Read more about the Bob story in these two entries: Saint Patrick's Day and More About Bob.

She used to tell me that Bob was a narcissist, a liar, someone who had huge rage issues and childhood issues. Looking back, I know that she was talking about herself.

Borderlines by nature are quite narcissistic (narcissism by definition is excessive love or admiration of one's self) as they have to mask their incredible self-loathing underneath. Someone who has this loathing finds that they are valuable through the drama. It's like they are in a movie, so the drama proves who they are.

The Borderline's world was this movie. Unfortunately, with me, I didn't want the movie. I would calm her world, every day, and push the movie out. When I traveled, the movie would come back and she had to hire private investigators. The borderline wanted the movie so bad that she conjured events that didn't happen.

After I moved out of living with the borderline, her movie started once again. She would rage on me. One time where I wasn't proud of my actions (I called her about 20 times in an hours time when she wouldn't answer the phone), she told me, "if you come over, I'm calling the police."

That was the line that I couldn't cross. We saw each other once after that, and she came over. I never went near her house after that.

The BPD lives on this drama. They want their life to be an exciting movie. In the next installment, read the drama that the BPD really likes: Sexual Drama.

BPD Cheating

It happens time and time again. One BPD relationship after another that I hear about has the same thread -- she cheated on me, told me about it, was sorry, so I forgave her.

The story doesn't end at that. Usually, the BPD cheats on the Non partner again. What does the Non partner do again? Forgives the person.

The pattern usually repeats itself, over and over again, as long as the Non partner will let it. It's typical with many BPD relationships for a number of reasons:

- The BPD has no boundaries so they will let others into their intimate world

- Most BPDs loathe themselves and cannot respect themselves; as such, they cannot respect others

- BPDs have a childlike outlook on life. They will take advantage of another as much as the other will allow.

Set Firm Boundaries

If you're in a relationship with someone that has BPD or you suspect has BPD, set firm boundaries. Tell them that if they cheat, the relationship will be over. Period. Stick to these boundaries.

With my ex BPD girlfriend, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cheated, we were done. No questions asked. One time, early in the relationship, she was feeling quite anxious. I remember her saying to me in an accusatory tone, "y'know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I spun around and looked straight at her, right in her eyes: "What did you say?"

She knew that I meant business and had no tolerance for such talk. "Uh, uh, y'know, if you did cheat, I could cheat too."

My response was direct and to the point. "I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to. All I want is you."

She got it, right away. It didn't matter, because as we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is right on the border of neurosis and psychosis; as such, they can slip into either quite easily. She regularly thought that I was cheating on her, then would start to punish me as such.

I'm not sure if she ever really did cheat on me, but it doesn't matter at this point. The damage done would have been to herself, not me.

Your Self Worth Is At Stake

The typical borderline relationship is quite unbalanced. When the borderline is cheating on their partner, the relationship gets even more out of balance. If you are the Non who is being cheated on, you can't stay in a relationship and feel good about yourself. You will eventually feel worthless.

If your BPD partner is cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you. There are people out there that will treat you with respect and with decency, and they won't cheat on you.

Bottom line: Accepting such behavior from your partner is not normal. People divorce -- regularly -- over similar behaviors. Don't take it. Once you're out of the relationship, figure out why you are accepting such behaviors. Go to counseling if you need to, and stop repeating the patterns. This is abuse, which is something you shouldn't accept.

My Love For The BPD

When I was with the BPD and times were tough, I remember saying to my Mom, "...and I really like this woman."

"C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday," my mother retorted. "I know that your feelings for her are a lot more than that."

Yeah, I didn't really like her. I loved her. That was probably the toughest thing. I loved her, and I hadn't loved like that since before I got married, probably ever.

Puppy Love

For those that have never loved a BPD, it's like puppy love. It's the love that you have with someone when you're in High School, that love that is so pure and so raw and so uneducated and so emotional.

The love with a Borderline is just this rawness that has no boundaries. It's like a drug that you want more and more and more of it. It's an amazing love like no other that becomes something that you thrive for -- you just want to immerse yourself with this drug.

I truly loved the BPD, with all of my heart. I cared for her daughters like they were my own kids. I took care of her dogs, and worked on her house. I gave the relationship my entire heart, soul and being, initially without boundary. I worked hard to make our times together special, and would often push out anger and resentment so we could continue to have special times and experiences. Until the very end of the relationship.

The Addiction

The Borderline can get their lovers to become addicted to them by giving this love then taking it away at times when they feel vulnerable, creating constant instability in the relationship. The relationship is going fine, and when something happens inside a borderline (often called the Vengence Switch), the borderline snaps and takes away their raw unfiltered love, replacing it with anger and rage like no other. The Non just wants to get the raw unfiltered love back, so they do what they need to get it back. They eventually get it back and the addictive cycle begins again.

Over time, the BPD will slip into more and more abusive behaviors, and the Non will slip into more and more desperate attempts to get the love back. The BPD kicked me out of her house -- twice -- yet I still went back both times. At the end of the relationship, she was threatening to call the police.

Draw The Line

In any healthy relationship, it's important to have healthy boundaries. One must decide what they will and will not take. With the borderline, I decided that when the police got involved, I was getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible. I have a family and a career and a positive reputation that I need to uphold.

Six months after the BPD and I last spoke, she actually did call the police on me (on Fathers Day nonetheless), accusing me of breaking into her computer system. At this point, we had completely cut off contact, so such accusations were just silly.

Unhealthy Giving

Looking back, I gave too much of myself. I gave so much of myself that the relationship was codependent. I ended up putting my well-being into the hands of someone who was mentally ill.

Mentally ill or not, I am the one who chooses my responses to situations. Whether I will be happy, sad, joyful or mad is my choice, and I will not let another person's mood, attitude or illness dictate how I will react and respond to the world's stimuli.