1 Year

This is the one year anniversary of when she and I last saw one another. One year ago this weekend, we spent time together for the last time.

It's so crazy, looking back, thinking about where I was at with my life back then and how completely different it is now.

It's so different. I've grown so much and have changed so much.

Things with us one year ago were turbulent, to say the least. The funny thing is that thinking back about everything, I now realize how her perception was so different than mine. She was paying me lip service but in her mind, I was the bad one regardless of what she said. I was evil, I was the abuser, I was the one that caused her so much pain. 

The strange thing is that I always thought that things would come back together, but maybe I didn't. I had moved out, and I was beginning to determine ways to safeguard myself and my family. 

Anyway, it was one year ago when she said to me "I'll never trust you again," then drove away in her fit of fury.

She never trusted me from the start. Her loss. I'm pretty trustworthy.

They say it takes one year to fully heal from a Borderline relationship. One full year of no contact. 

This was the last time that she and I had contact, with the exception of some emails and text messages sent at the beginning of this year.

The latest contact that she tried to initiate was via the police department where she accused me of breaking into her Internet photo account, putting pictures of myself on her account.

Have I healed?

Yes.

Have I lost a piece of me?

Definitely

The End of The Innocence

One of the major attractions that a non has to a borderline is their innocence. They seem so innocent, so pure, and you think that you have such a pure love with them.

Unfortunately, this is an illusion. They make you feel like you have this "fairytale" romance that's so pure, but it's not. It's not real. You're merely a part of their play, I'm sorry to say

So, in the end, you lose your innocence. You emerge a better person, a stronger person, but a more callous person. Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline requires you to lose this as you re-acclimate with the world.

The nice thing is that you emerge with a level of clarity like no other. You almost see things too clearly.

I used to fear seeing her. Then I looked forward to seeing her so I could show her the person that I've emerged into.

Now, I don't care if I ever see her again. I still miss her daughters dearly, but her I don't care about.

That's what a year does -- it allows you to let go. For good.

Where to Go From Here?

I read through my old posts and am amazed at the person I was. So full of fear, so afraid of being left. I know that I'm back to the person that I was before the entire relationship began, probably better because I'm through the divorce as well.

Some things have become evident to me:

• Many times, so many times, I've said that I was healed and was "over" the relationship. Who was I fooling? I'm finally feeling like I'm pretty much over it. I swear! It takes a full year, count it a year, to get over this kind of relationship. Your sense of right and wrong is completely in question
  
• It's an illusion. An absolute illusion. Although you think that the relationship is real, it's not. It's a mirage, I'm sorry to say. That's one of the hardest things for me to accept. I thought I was in a real relationship when, in fact, it was bogus.
  
• You will have baggage. Of course, you can minimize your baggage, but you will have baggage from such a relationship
• With all that said, you can recover from a relationship like this and grow as a result. You can either grow up or let it put you down. 

I had some growing to do, so I did it. Or, I should say, I'm doing it.

So, I have this blog that's well-viewed by readers around the world and hopefully helps others with their issues, trouble and journey. By no means am I a professional. I've simply expressed my thoughts, feelings and events that have occurred with the BPD.

Here's what I'll do:

• Continue to document my thoughts, feelings, happenings, etc on this blog
• I'll also start linking the blog out better to more useful resources
• Recap some of the other events that happened in the relationship:
• Being kicked out
  
• Being kicked out -- again
  
• The private investigator
  
• Denise and the accusations
  
• Constant STD scares
  
• The three hour talk
  

Feel free to post comments asking for what you'd like to see. Please note that I will not reply to posts as this is an anonymous blog and I need to keep it as such.

Finding Yourself

A relationship with someone that has BPD becomes quite a discovery process for you. I was a strong willed person, an individual that had quite a sense of self before meeting the BPD. I saw many times when something would happen and I would ask her how she could even think such atrocious thoughts. She would apologize profusely, then would blame it on something that occurred in her past.

One of the toughest things for me was knowing that after she and I broke up, she would say horrible things about me, the way that she said such bad things about others. That took time for me to accept.

You need to rediscover yourself after any relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, like one with a BPD. After my relationship ended, I spent time with myself, but it was tough -- probably some of the toughest time I've spent by myself. Why?
- BPDs make you feel like you've found what you've always seeked. They're masters at determining your needs then meeting them, like they've never been met before. The food that you like, your interests, your dislikes will all become the same as the BPD.
- Once the BPD makes you feel like this, they begin to unleash their misery on you. This combination often makes the non stay for much longer than they really should stay.

After being in this relationship for long periods of time, you begin to lose your sense of self. I was abused -- regularly abused verbally, sometimes physically, and kicked out multiple times. Yet I came back for more, again and again.

Eventually, I found my self-worth and moved out, but it was difficult -- quite difficult. I shed quite a few tears after everything ended.

Everything happens for a reason. Life is much better now. Stay tuned.

Life Continues to Improve

It's been 10 months since the BPD and I last spoke to one another, when she stormed out of my place, and I didn't give chase. Life has changed quite a bit for me, to say the least. I'd like to say that it has gone back to normal, but it hasn't.

It's gone back to better than normal. My normal has been redefined. Particularly the normal that I had with the BPD, because that wasn't normal. That was dysfunctional.

Looking back, the relationship with the BPD was important to my growth. It was important for me to see true instability and how to navigate away from it. 

Ten months later, she can't come near me now:

- I have a new woman in my life. She's kind, patient, caring, loving, funny, quite attractive, and much more my speed. She's a singer, a mother, a wonderful friend. She supports me like I've never been supported before. I don't think that I was ready for her until now, and that I had to have a relationship with a BPD so I could truly appreciate the new woman.

- I have a new position so she doesn't know where I work. No more calling my office and asking reception, "Is Dennis working today?" then hanging up. 

- I've moved to a place where she has no idea where I live. None. I moved in with my new girlfriend, and she couldn't find me if she wanted to.

With that said, I'm still healing. I'm kidding myself if I don't say that I'm still healing. After being in a relationship with someone inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder for nearly two years, one has to heal so they can have healthy relationships again. They must learn their personal boundaries and exercise them, putting them up firmly for some, then learning to have flexible boundaries. I'm still healing, but it's nearly over. 

The Borderline Personality Addiction

When you spend years with a person afflicted with BPD, you grow addicted. You grow addicted to the highs of the relationship, and you grow addicted to the lows of the relationship. The BPD treats you like a god at times, then treats you as evil other times in their cycle of devaluing and idealizing you. 

Clearly, you love the highs, but you also like the lows as it becomes an opportunity for you to prove your worth. Proving your worth becomes critical when you're in a BPD relationship, as the BPD will constantly devalue you in between their fits of treating you like a God.

When the relationship ends, you want it back so badly that you will now violate boundaries -- the BPDs, your own, whatever -- to get the relationship back. You're now caught in the web of Borderline Personality Disorder. Some have called this, "living the life of a Borderline by proxy," and you really are living like a Borderline. You'll now:

• Call the BPD repeatedly until they pick up. Before you would never do such things. To the BPD, this proves their worth. They don't pick up the phone, and you're desperate to have them talk to you so you can reconnect with them and have them feed you the idealizing that only they can provide
  
• Get upset, jealous, angry about things that never would have bothered you before. Is this really you, or someone who has invaded your body? Look at the BPD, because they occupy your brain now, not you
• Ignore, disown, not pay attention, disregard family and friends to the point of completely cutting them off. One of the key things that BPDs do is isloate you, because if you were well-connected with friends and family, you probably would never have accepted such unacceptable treatment. My Mom used to tell me that she could tell when things were bad with me and the BPD because she wouldn't hear from me for weeks. When things were good, she'd hear from me all the time.
• Feel bad all the time. Maybe you're talking to yourself because you're feeling so bad (I did -- before the relationship ended and afterwards). Maybe you're clenching your teeth (I did for about 6-8 months). Maybe you're crying constantly (I did, particularly after the relationship ended). Believe me, life is fantastic. Stop doing it now.

Personal Growth After the BPD Relationship

The Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery takes time, but you must make sure that you perform all steps:

• Go to counseling and determine why you were in a relationship with a person stricken with BPD. 
• Fix the causes.
• Learn to re-establish clear, healthy boundaries
• If you stopped going to church, go back. If you never went to church, start going. This is critical as the BPD relationship filled a hole in you. It was most likely the "God Shaped Hole" as my Pastor likes to say.
• Re-establish relations with friends and family, if you choose.
• Enjoy life -- it's wonderful when you don't have all of the worries that a BPD puts on you.

The Cycle of Abuse

A counselor that the BPD and I once saw told me that if I stayed in the relationship, that her actions would be considered abusive and would continue to be abusive. Of course, I didn't listen, but that's another story.

Borderlines have a different reality than the normal person, and they have such self-hatred and self-loathing that they do not understand how anyone could care for them and love them. Because of this, they think that the people around them must have something wrong with them, alterior motives, or reason to take advantage of the BPD. This is the basis for how they operate -- they do not want to feel alone, but they cannot fathom how someone would legitimately want to be with them. 

Ultimately, you need to feel bad for the BPD. You can get out of your depression, sadness or whatever you're feeling. The BPD will always feel the way that they do. They will always be unstable. Their fear is that others will discover that they are borderline, so they do whatever they can to hide this, include:

- Take no accountability for anything

- Change reality so they are not responsible and others are responsible

- Accuse others of having BPD and other mental illnesses

When I was with the BPD, I had:

- Narcissism 

- BPD

- Dissociative Identity Disorder

- A compulsive lying problem

- The list goes on

Now, you look at these things and wonder how you could have stayed in the relationship for so long, but it was a slow, gradual process, getting pulled in with the constant idealizing, then being accused of being such a horrible person. The slow process eventually changes your boundaries and tolerance of such inappropriate accusations, actions and the like. 

The most amazing thing about Borderlines is that they look -- and appear -- that they are so well put together.  After all, they have spent years knowing that they viewed life differently, and it takes time to pinpoint the issues and make a decision to go. It took me nearly two years. You've never had life be so good, but you've never had it be so bad either. You cling to the good. When the bad begins to continually outweigh the good, it's time to move on.

Key Learnings

• The BPD took advantage of my own self-doubt. They saw it then preyed on it, playing on my fears. 
  
• The relationship with the BPD was critical to my growth as a person.
• I'm now much more of a man because of the relationship with the BPD. I no longer try to meet other's needs before looking to meet my own. Life is a compromise, not a sacrifice.

Stay tuned. More will be posted in upcoming months. It won't be as regular as before, but as I feel the need to provide updates, I'll provide them. 

Things Get Better -- Much Better

I haven't provided a posting in a while, yet visitors keep coming to the blog, which, in turn, makes me feel like I should post. One of the main reasons that I feel so compelled to post is when I review the keywords. 

As someone who was up to his eyeballs one year ago as I began to detach from a person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, I've been there.

As someone who is close to, if not fully, healed from the scars that a relationship with a BPD inflicts on you, you CAN get out and live a better life.

I've been there. I know the feeling. I never thought that I could do it. You can do it if you want though.

How To Get Out Of A Borderline Relationship For Good:

1. Create a solid support system of friends, family, co-workers, 12-step, support group...whatever you can before you leave the relationship. Have people to lean on when you need them. In the end, though, this is YOUR decision, and you will have difficult times. Just be prepared for them.

2. Commit to yourself -- commit to improving yourself and making yourself feel better. If you feel that you were codependent (you probably were), join groups like Al-Anon. See a therapist.

3. Be sure to get spiritual fulfillment -- Go to church, synogague or whatever form of organized religion that you subscribe. It's critical to have this support while going through this type of change.

4. Recognize that you will have difficult times, but these difficult times will make you a better, stronger and more secure person. Change is difficult, but in the end, it helps you become a better person.

5. Spend your free time with your support system and have friends that you consider "lifelines" when you need them.

6. While healing, learn about yourself -- learn why you fell into such a relationship, what warning signs to look for in the future, and how to ensure that you are treated well in the future.

7. Frequent websites like www.bpdcentral.com and the Welcome To Oz newsgroup. These support groups are invaluable as you sever ties with a BPD and begin to understand what happened.

You can and will be a better person in the end.

I realized that the relationship was critical to my development -- critical to making me a whole person. To be the person I am today, I had to endure quite a lot of difficulty -- quite a lot of abuse from the BPD relationship. Now, I am a stronger, more confident and secure person.

Good luck in your journey. It can get better and you can get out of it.