3 Years

So, it's now past 3 years since I last spoke with my ex BPD girlfriend. Three long years. I read back to my first post, Heal, and how I felt back then. I think about my life now, where I am, and how far I've come. It's been a long road, there were tough times along the way, but life is good. Life is real good.

It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic. Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through (I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved). Also, I was not able to log in for a couple of weeks/months -- but I was still able to approve comments from my email account, so I continued posting your comments -- for the most part.

Personal Life Update

So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do.

My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.

My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown 16-year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments. My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly 12.

BPD Relationship Recovery Takes a Long Time

I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.

It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully.

I recently received an email which summed it all up:

Dating someone with BPD gives you a false sense of love which blinds all logic. The end of the relationship for me was so shocking that it left me deeply hurt like a recovering alcoholic going cold turkey.

What's Next?

Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible. Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process.

The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.

We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward.

Regarding My BPD Relationship

I don't think about my BPD very often anymore. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life.

One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated:

I notice that I no longer am the same person I once was.


If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were. You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation.

It's within your reach. Now go get it.

August Vacation - Back to Business

I've had a whirlwind summer, going all over the place, including the beach of North Carolina and many other exciting places. Time to get back to business.

Where to Go From Here?

This blog continues to grow in its readership, and I continue to get encouraging comments about the blog. Thanks to each of you about this. I've been trying to move the blog over to another platform at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com so readers can enjoy forums and they can better contribute themselves and enjoy more functionality from a more robust website, but this readership continues to grow, and I don't want to alienate anyone reading here. So, I'm in a bit of a quagmire. Let me know what you think I should do:
- Continue posting here
- Move altogether to www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Try to (weakly) maintaining two blogs with very similar material (but the comments are now beginning to differ)

Allow BPD's Comments?

One other thing that I'm finding is that BPDs are now providing comments on this site. I haven't published any of them as I think that this should be a place for those recovering from a relationship with someone suffering from BPD to find solace.

Soooo, I want to know what you think -- do I accept BPD's comments? This is the Us project.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings.

I'm back from my summer vacation -- as I continue to recover, my topics will get less, so please, if you'd like to be a guest blogger, let me know. Drop a line to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and let me know. I'd love to get some guest bloggers.

Keep the fight, keep the faith, and keep moving forward.

-- Den

Saw The Borderline Again: Life Goes On

You know it's going to happen, and it just happened a week ago. My oldest son and I were playing golf together, right by the BPD's house and we saw her. She was playing golf too, with a guy (I'm going to assume that it's her current boyfriend).

You Can Recover from a BPD Relationship

It amazes you, because the longer you're out of a relationship with a BPD, the more you heal. If I had seen her two years ago, it would have been difficult to not get upset about the whole thing. A year ago, it still would have shook me, at least a little bit. Now, I say to my son, "is that her? Wow."

It's clear that my life is so different now. I look back at myself and see how much I've grown, wondering how I was able to put up with someone that had BPD. Clearly, we change and our tolerance changes. Poor Jennie has to deal with a more callous person -- hopefully, I'm still warm enough and loving enough that I fulfill her needs.

As time progresses, the borderline goes from the love of your life, the one that you wanted to spend every waking moment with, to one that you can't believe how much you put into. You almost get embarrassed that you were with this person and can't believe that you spent so much time on anyone, let alone someone that treated you so poorly.

That's what it's like when you get yourself back again. It's a very nice feeling.

Not a Normal Relationship

When I saw the borderline, I commented to my son (who's 15), "you know, if this was a normal relationship and we saw one another, we would have walked up to each other said hello, I would have introduced myself to her new boyfriend and would have told her about Jennie and--"

"It's not a normal, it was totally wacky," my son interrupted.

He's right, the relationship was completely nonsensical, it was not a normal relationship. This is not someone who thinks normally at all. It's a shame, but there can never be a friendship after the relationship has ended. She has made me into the enemy, someone who is evil and did terrible things to her.

Posting on BPD Relationship Recovery

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y moving the site and functionality to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, a site that contains all the functionality here and more. On the site, I'm working on developing forums so readers can have conversations (strangely, people continue to communicate by commenting on this site :-)) and can help one another out.

The Us project is continuing to develop. If you'd like to continue communicating with others that are recovering from BPD, simply go to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, register for the site and start contributing to the forums. You can send one another messages there and there are private forums for you, depending on where you are in your journey on the road to BPD relationship recovery.

BPD No Contact: Important for Recovery

So, you've gotten out of a relationship with a borderline, yet you're still talking with the person.

How's it going?

Not so good, I bet. If the person is a true borderline, and you're having a true BPD relationship, there is no way that you can continue contact and stay "friends." Borderline relationships just aren't like that. They're too intense, too hot or cold; they really can't be tepid and continue along as a friendship.

Why You Can't Have a Friendship With A Borderline After Breakup

There are many reasons why you can't have a friendship with a borderline after a breakup:

• BPDs are black and white thinkers -- Either you're their hero or you're a villain in the mind of a borderline. If you're a villain, BPDs will make you into someone so bad in their mind that they will convince themselves that you've done something wrong to them. They'll make it so bad that smear campaigns will ensue, or they will take out restraining orders against you.
• The relationship will never be stable -- Borderlines love drama, and the relationship will have to continue to be unstable for them to want to be in it. My relationship with the BPD had daily fireworks where she would create issues and drama for me to deal with, stabilizing the relationship every day. I had a vested interest in the relationship as she was my partner, my living mate, my lover. Friendships that are this unstable would never survive.
• More pain will be involved in the relationship -- BPDs are insanely jealous, spiteful and not people that you want to be around when they are unhappy. Do you think that your newfound BPD ex will be pleased when you announce that you have a new lover? I don't think so. Yet, they'll want to share all gory details of their new relationship. Believe me, the relationship will be uneven, unstable, and unacceptable long term.

I haven't seen my ex BPD girlfriend for nearly three years. We sent messages to one another a couple months out of the relationship, but it quickly flowered into insanity that could not be controlled. Without me physically in her life, her thoughts were so far out there that she was suddenly telling me that she felt like I was threatening her and the like; two months later on Fathers Day, I got a phone call from the police asking me if I was breaking onto her computer and putting my picture on her photo galleries.

No contact is critical for recovery. If you have children, set firm boundaries that the borderline can't break, then don't ever break them yourself. Borderlines make you do things that you would never do. You can't be that person as they will make you pay for those mistakes then play the victim. You will have quite a difficult time rebuilding anyone's trust if you are the one breaking boundaries or the law.

Relationship Recovery Step 4: Start a Me Project

Are you ready to start a project like the one that I've done here? I'm going to show you how. It's pretty easy -- sign up to become a member on this site, then go ahead and create a blog of your own.

I'm moving The Me Project to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ -- a fully functional site that has quite a lot of functionality, including the ability for users to post in forums and create their own websites. People can create their own Me Projects.

That's right -- this site allows you to have your own Me Project. You can blog as much or as little as you want, and you can work with others in the community to help you recover. The blog also has private forums where you can anonymously post.

What is a Me Project?

For those of you that are just discovering the BPD Relationship Recovery site or the Me Project, it's a project where you focus on yourself. You start looking at yourself and your own needs. Too often, those of us that get enmeshed in a BPD relationship are in an unhealthy relationship where it becomes all about our partner.

It's time to work on ourselves.

If you're like me, I had difficulty doing this -- I thought that my happiness came from making others happy. I didn't focus on myself enough and my needs. Before starting this journey, I didn't spend enough time looking out for myself, and as such, I was not happy because my needs were never met.

When I started the Me Project, I put my foot down and demanded that I spend time on myself, working on myself, and making me the person that I always wanted.

It's your turn, if you're ready.

Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/, register to be a user, start your own website and let the journey begin. It can be as much of a journey as you want. You can make it in to it's own full-fledged life where you express yourself, your feelings and your adventures, or you can just write a little bit when you feel it. The choice is yours.

In the upcoming posts, those that are engaged in the Me Project will get different exercises. Some of these will be exploratory, others will be tried and true exercises in rebuilding yourself.

Stay tuned. The Me Project just took on a whole new dimension. Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ and start taking the next step and head into the new world of BPD Relationship Recovery -- your own Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 6: Find Others That Have Been There and Have Felt the Pain

So, you've started your healing process, you've committed, you've felt the pain, you've built your support group and you've flexed it, but you're still missing quite a lot.


You've just gotten out of a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. This disease is like no other, and unfortunately, unless you've been there, most in your support group just won't get it. In fact, you'll even feel like you can talk to them so much, but there will still be aspects of the relationship where you won't feel comfortable telling. Part of it will be shame.


This is where it's important to have a group of people that have been through a relationship with a borderline and can empathize with you. There's nothing, nothing like mental illness, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder. The borderline seems completely normal to someone that doesn't know the person very well, so trying to explain the illness and get sympathy from others could make you feel -- and possibly be viewed as -- a little nutty.


It's difficult, though. How -- where -- do you find a group of people that have similar problems, similar issues? Especially if you live out in a rural area? 


This is when technology -- particularly the Internet -- becomes an invaluable gem.

The Internet Spawns Support Groups

There are many different support groups that can help you get through these issues.  The forums change regularly, so I can't attest to which one is best for you.


My personal favorite is Randy Kreger's Welcome to Oz support groups on Yahoo! Groups. They allow the person receive a regular download of those contributing as well as contribute when they are ready.  This group, and the people that are on the group, helped get me through the dark days when I was recovering from the relationship. People reached out to me and befriended me when I asked for the help. I'm eternally grateful to this group and the people that helped me get through these days.

BPD Relationship Recovery -- The Next Step

So, I've been thinking about this blog and what to do next with it -- the answer is provide more support for you. So, we're going to create the support in an Internet environment where we can support one another: http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com.


I'm working out the kinks of the site right now, but in this site, you'll (eventually) be able to:
- Create your own persona/personality
- Contribute and start topics
- Start your own "Me Project"
- Contribute to forums


All in one place. Welcome to the next phase of The Us project.


Please, cruise over to http://bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, take a look at the site, create your own ID, get a site and more. I'll be covering more of the "how to's" with this site in the future but the quick highlights include:


- There are forums in the Groups section -- some are confidential (men only) so your posts are completely anonymous, others are public.
- You can create your own "Me Project" blog. So, if you're like me and you want to write, you can create your own blog. 
- In the future, I'll actually create ways for you to make money from blogging on http://bpdrelationshiprecovery.com. I'll put advertising on the site that you'll get a share (Note: during all the time that I've had this blog, I've made about $20 -- you're not going to make much, but every bit can help).
- You can contribute to the forums section, posting on different topics
- You can create your own person, avatar, and send messages to everyone in the group.
- There's more. this is just the tip of the iceberg.


So, The Me/Us project is now evolving to its next iteration. Please take the trip with me. Do the following:
- Navigate to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com
- Sign in, and get your own website if you want. Start blogging if it so suits you.
- Go into the groups (sign into the ones that suit you) and start posting topics.


I can't do this all by myself. I need your help. Please help as we move the Me/Us project to the next level.


See you at www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com. 

Things I can Do Now That I'm Out of a BPD Relationship

I was thinking about what my life is like now and how my life is so free now that I'm not in a BPD relationship. My life can be happy as I don't feel shackled or held back by someone else's insecurities.

Jennie is a very trusting woman, and I appreciate and cherish the trust that I have. She lets me be myself and doesn't try to steal any of my magic. I am eternally grateful.

The following list is by no means exhaustive as it only strikes the surface, but here are some of the things that I can do without being questioned, accused of inappropriate things, kicked out, demeaned, belittled, or generally treated poorly:

• Spend a whole day not talking or communicating with my partner
• Go to they gym
• Go for a run
• Go out with my friends
• Go to see my family
• Stop somewhere that's not planned
• Take my children places without letting my partner know
• Do special things with my children
• Talk to other females
• Have a friendship with other females
• Get another female's phone number (for business or whatever purpose)
• Stay late at work
• Travel on business
• Go into work early
• Do things on my own -- whatever it may be
• Talk with my partner about another female
• Go away with my friends for a guys' weekend out
• Go out with my friends for a guys' night out
• Receive phone calls, text messages or emails from other females
• Have a female coworker that was not put under the microscope
• Have an attractive female coworker
• Go out to lunch, dinner, breakfast...whatever without being accused of cheating

This is just the beginning. You can see the pattern here.

I'm now free. The Me/Us project continues. In the next post, look for updates and plans for this site as we move it out to a new site altogether where you can blog about your BPD recovery, enter forum posts, or do what you want. Look for more information in the upcoming blog entries.

For now, if you're out of the BPD relationship, appreciate the freedom you have. Do something constructive with it.

Did Darth Vader Suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

So, I recently saw some type of analysis of Darth Vader, asking the question: Did he suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?

When thinking about Darth and what made Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader (referring to the scene in Star Wars where he tries to jump over Obi-Wan Kenobi in a move that Obi advised him against doing), I would say that he had more narcissistic tendencies than borderline tendencies.

He thought that he was invincible, and he was shown that he was not invincible. He grew paranoid and hurt his pregnant wife, but he was more confused than borderline.

The more that I think about it, the more I would say that Darth was not a borderline. He was coerced by the Sith Darth Sidius to turn to the dark side.

Darth Vader a borderline? Not by a longshot. Maybe he was a narcissist, but not a borderline.

Look at the battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan and voice your opinion:

Relationship Recovery Step 5: Build Your Support Group, And Flex It

When you're going through truly difficult times, it's difficult to find a way out.

You just can't do it alone. If you try to do it alone and handle all this heartache alone, you will be literally broken apart. I know from experience.

Bottom line -- you need a support group to recover from most every relationship. Dysfunctional relationships, like those with borderlines, require even more of a support group.

What Is a Support Group?
A support group is just like the name sounds, a group of people who are there to support you as you go through a difficult transition, or just life in general. This group can be comprised of friends, family, co-workers (as long as your working situation allows for this), or a group of people with common interests. For example, those that attend Alcoholics Anonymous are surrounded by other attendees who could all be considered part of their support group.

To have a solid support group, one must be able to trust their support group and believe that the support group truly has their best interest at hand.

For the Non in a relationship with a Borderline, they need a solid support group. Their recovery is critical and the Non needs this. Part of the Non's support group mix should also be a counselor for a number of reasons. First, there is quite a lot of shame around being in a relationship with a borderline. You have accepted so much in the relationship that you have buried, and these things (like being treated so poorly) have to be dealt with in a safe environment.

There were many things that happened with the borderline that I didn't want to initially tell my friends. They would ask me questions like, "why would you let her do that to you?"

There were a lot of things that they would ask me those questions. I wasn't ready. A counselor could help me get through all these issues and questions.

CoDependence


Many Nons that are in a relationship with a borderline find that they have codependent tendencies if they are not all-out codependent. This must also be examined and worked through.

Many Nons also find that joining a support group such as Alanon also helps them get through their codependent issues and makes them responsible for themselves.

We Need People To Talk To


We are human beings that have emotions. Working with a support group that helps you get back to a normal sense of right and wrong is very important when recovering from any relationship, particularly a BPD relationship. This is one part of the puzzle though. Ultimately, you need to decide what's right and wrong for you, which takes more time.

This is an important step. As you go through this process of recovering from a bad relationship, you need to learn from others what is right, what's wrong, and the healthy way to deal with issues that arose in the relationship and in your current life.

Why Do We Rescue?

Many of us who have gotten into a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder would fall into the role of Rescuer. We rescue people from their misery and make their lives better. They love us because we are so good at rescuing and making them feel better about themselves.

The problem is that after we have rescued, we inherit their misery, their upset, their hatred for themselves, and we are miserable. Or the person burns us out because we give so much to the person that we have nothing at the end for ourselves.

Rescuing Others From Their Misery Feels Good -- At First

When we rescue others, we feel great about ourselves, and the other person feels good as well. They give us love because we make them feel loved, while the rest of the world does not love them, no one loves them.

We look at them, and our hearts go out to them. I felt that way about the borderline. I felt so bad for her that I jumped in to save her and make her feel better.

At that point, I thought that I knew how to keep myself clear of the rescuer role. But I didn't know how to keep myself clear at all. Eventually, the person who has been rescued starts to give you their anxiety, their dysfunction, their whatever, and you have to deal with it. It's really not fun, I promise you.

I recently met with my ex wife to discuss how her actions were negatively impacting our children, in the past, now and in the future. We met at a diner and had quite a difficult conversation. She is drinking too much and has been dating a married man for the past few years.

Despite these indiscretions which are clearly impacting my children, I still felt so bad for her. My heart jumped to feeling her pain. What a shame that after all this time, she still cannot help herself and is now negatively impacting our children. She doesn't even know that her actions negatively impact the children.

We Must Rescue Ourselves First

Rescuing others gives us purpose. It gives us meaning. It makes us feel good and keeps our minds outside of ourselves. We get wonderful initial responses, so we rescue for the response that we get.

The truth is that we first need to rescue ourselves. We first need to determine our own meaning, our own insecurities and deal with them. We can rescue all we want, but until we deal with ourselves, we won't feel whole and complete.

Rescuing starts with the best of intentions, but we're actually masking our insecurities. Before we can help others, we must help ourselves.

Borderline Personality Disordered Coworkers: CYA

You're in the work force and have a coworker that acts, let's say, different. Great in some ways, not so great in other ways.

This coworker can be your best friend; you've probably spent time bonding with this person and may have developed quite a liking for this person. They may be someone that you consider a friend. They've asked you questions about yourself that make you think that you trust them. They've volunteered parts of their life that have made you think that they're trustworthy.

However, there have been other signs about the person that you can't really explain. They like to tell you gossip about their lives, and about the lives of others. Their home life is in shambles, and they always seem to be talking about someone in the office; they are pretty much always having some type of conflict with someone in the office. There needs to be some type of drama, and they will make the drama into a full-blown scandal if they are able.

Of course, they are always the victim; everyone does all these things to them, while they go about their jobs and do what they are supposed to. They're treated poorly by everyone, misspoken to by everyone, made to feel terrible by everyone.

When they have unloaded on you and they leave the room, you feel absolutely exhausted. 

If you feel this way about one of your coworkers, you may be working with someone who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD Coworkers Can Ruin Your Career

If you work with someone who is a true borderline, you will know it. They will constantly be battling with someone that you work with; hopefully that person is outside your office. You will feel like they literally suck the life out of you when they are unloading their anxiety on you about the office drama, or about their personal lives. 

Remember some of borderlines' habits: black and white thinking, splitting, dissociating, high anxiety...the list goes on, but I hope that you're getting the idea here. In the workplace, a person like this can truly ruin your career. 

Meet Missey

I worked with Missey while running a small office. She was a good worker, quite diligent and when she put her mind to the task would meet and exceed expectations. She had multiple office duties, some of them repetitive, where she would pick up magazines and distribute them to a number of places every week. 

Missey admitted to having family and personal issues where she had gone to outpatient treatment for psychological issues and was heavily  medicated for anxiety.

Missey was good at what she did when focused, but at other times, she would miss responsibilities because of other things in her life. Her husband abused her, her daughter had issues, she was fighting with people in the home office...the list went on.

Missey would come into the office in the afternoon after meetings on the road and would unload on myself and the office manager. After she would leave, the two of us would feel compelled to literally take a nap after she would drain us emotionally.

Overall, my relationship with Missey was decent, but it did have drama. Melissa had serious family issues, and she brought some of those issues to work. As her supervisor, there were times that I had to speak to her about these issues. Melissa did not do good for my career though.

Overall, I liked Missey and we worked well together. I created a nurturing environment where she did quite well. She had her issues, particularly her bulimic tendencies. We would go to the bathroom after lunch and find pieces of lettuce floating in the toilet on almost a daily basis. 

Looking back, I think that working with Missey primed me for accepting a relationship with a borderline, as I began the relationship with the borderline at the end of my job with Missey. Some of my boundaries had been broken by a borderline coworker.

When I was involved in moving the office and up for a promotion at the company, Missey snapped and spoke poorly about me to the executives at the office. It became such a big issue that I did not get the promotion and  ultimately left the company. My replacement and Missey did not get along either, and she eventually left the company and filed discrimination charges against the company because of this boss' behavior and treatment towards her.

Borderline coworkers can ruin your career.

Most borderlines will move from job to job as their attention wanes and waxes. They can be good working at big organizations that have the structure and rules that borderlines need, but smaller companies are too lean and mean for them to hide their disorder. Of course, there are exceptions, as some companies will simply tolerate borderline behaviors for years.

Borderline Volatility Requires Covering Yourself

When you are in a working relationship with a borderline coworker, be sure that you stay civil with the borderline, but do not cross any boundaries. Crossing boundaries will later be used against you by the borderline when times get tough, and they will get tough.

If you are able to keep things on decent, civil terms with the borderline, work will be okay, but be sure to document everything. Cover yourself at every turn, and be sure not to give the borderline ammunition against you.

You can survive a working environment with a borderline coworker. Just be sure to treat the borderline civilly, not do anything inappropriate with or in front of the borderline, document everything and cover yourself. Eventually, time will change the situation, but you can get through it. 

The Me Project Evolves

I'm happy to say that I continue to move forward with the Me Project, but I'm now thinking that, like I've said before, the Me Project has become the Us Project.

Along the lines of the Relationship Recovery Steps, I'm about to cover the next topic, which is Start Your Own Me Project. In this step, I'll begin to cover the ways to do this and will provide you with tools to do this. In the future, look for:
- Forums
- Customizable pages for your own Me Project
- A community where we can all recover from our BPD relationship
- More support in the form of guides, helpful tips and community testimony

The Me Project may be moving to a new website as well that can support these more heavy-duty technologies and tools that will better enable you to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This new site will be much more challenging for you. You'll have to do more than just read posts -- you'll be required to participate in discussions, answer questions, and track your growth as you work through your recovery issues.

You're about to rebuild your life, or continue rebuilding your life. Get ready.

Let me know what you think -- send me a comment or email me. Are you ready? Do you want to do this? This will all start in the next month, so get ready as the Me Project/Us Project evolves into a new way for us to recover.

BPD and Your Career

So, you want to have a successful career and be with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder?

This may be more of a challenge than you can imagine. I can tell you first-hand.

The BPD Must Be The Primary Focus of Your Life -- Always

You have someone in your life that demands that they be the primary focus of your life. You want to dedicate enough time in your life to your career so you can get ahead and do well.

You have a conflict.

If you don't address the conflict, the BPD will wreak havoc on your career. By nature someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder demands that you focus on them. You need to pay them attention at every turn, so if you pay attention to them, they will:

• Call you and fight with you while you are working
• Accuse you of doing terrible things while working
• Accuse you of having affairs with people at work, be them the opposite or the same sex
• Bring the turmoil of your relationship to your workplace, any way that they can.

My ex BPD was the worst at this. She did all of the above, including actually kicking me out of the house when I was at work and when I was traveling. She was so insecure, so afraid, so Borderline that she couldn't handle me being at work and focusing on something else. 

Looking back, I feel bad for how badly she must have felt to go to such extremes. If you knew me (read the blog and you'll get a feeling for who I am and what I'm about), I am the opposite of what the borderline projected onto me. That's why I was such a perfect fit for her insanity. I refused to accept it, which was the perfect game for the borderline -- and for me.

Lunch Together Still Isn't Enough

The BPD distrusted me so much -- she didn't believe that I was a good person -- so much that I eventually asked her to have lunch with me most every day. She would come pick me up from work and take me to lunch. I usually bought us both lunch, spending nearly $20 a day on our lunch (I don't have that kind of money, but I spent it).

Regardless, she still was suspicious. She still accused me of cheating on her, she still accused me of calling her at 3:00 "just to screw with her," and did a number of other things like this. 

Bottom line: You can't have a successful career and have a relationship with someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The Constant BPD Accusations

One time, when she was traveling and I wasn't having lunch with her, her sister said that she saw me in one place, when I wasn't there (this was during lunchtime). The BPD started a huge fight with me when I told her that I wasn't there, accusing me of cheating on her and lying to her about being at a certain place. These were all within 1/2 mile of each other.

She tried to pin me down so much that she demanded that I tell her my whereabouts. I eventually went to the bank and asked them to furnish another copy of my ATM receipt to prove that I was not where her sister said I was. Then, when I gave her the receipt, she told me that the time was wrong.

Still Healing from BPD Abuse

Even though I am years out of this relationship, thinking back about this makes me realize how much this kind of treatment and lack of trust actually did hurt. I still am healing, just like most of us that are here, from this BPD mistreatment. It will take us time to heal, and we will all continue to heal.

Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.


What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

• What am I really about?
• What do I like? 
• What do I dislike?
• How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
• What do I want to change?
• How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

• Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
• What needs did the BPD fulfill?
• How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
• Is this need reasonable and realistic?
• Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
• What needs did the BPD not meet?
• How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day. 

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 2a: When It Hurts Real Bad, Find Distractions

I know, I know. I sit here and say, you've got to feel the pain, allow yourself time to heal, and now I'm saying find distractions?

Look, you're human. I'm human. When it hurts real bad, we do whatever we can to distract ourselves from the pain.

That's okay. As long as the distractions are healthy.

Healthy Distractions While You Are Healing

So, what's a healthy distraction? There are many:

• Spending time with friends
• Seeing a movie
• Doing a hobbie
• Watching television
• Exercising
• Playing a musical instrument
• Listening to music
• Reading a book (not a self-help book or a love story)

You can see where I am going here. The distraction could be almost anything.

Time Heals

So if time heals, your healing from the relationship will take time. It will take time for you to reprogram yourself and learn new ways of living life -- you'll change from the "we" to the "me" in everything you do or say. This can be difficult.

While you're letting time heal you, these healthy distractions will help. Playing golf was one of my favorite things to do while healing from the relationship that I was in. I used to go and play rounds of par three golf as I could play with my kids or by myself, and it was a nice way to spend some time outside.

Watch Out for Unhealthy Distractions

There are unhealthy distractions that postpone the pain and can bring you into a world of even more hurt. These include:

• Drinking excessively or taking drugs
• Sex with non committed partners
• Starting a new relationship too soon
• Anything in excess -- exercise, work, etc.

I hope you see where I'm going here. Do everything in moderation so you can keep yourself and your head whole.

Distractions can be good while you're healing from a broken relationship. You can find healthy ones and help yourself on the road to recovery.

• 
  

Change Your Life Now: The Secret

The Law of Attraction Changes Lives

I forgot about this but starting talking to a friend about this recently. So, I thought that it's important that you know about this, that you learn about this and that you do this: You need to live the principles outlined in the book The Secret. It's a silly little book which will take you one, maybe two hours to read.

I Knew That

The other thing about The Secret is that when you read it, you'll say, "I knew that." But you didn't do it.

It takes time, but you really can do it.

The Secret covers the power of positive thinking, but really covers The Law of Attraction, the basic law of You Get What You Wish For. Many don't know this, but it's true, whatever you want, whatever you need, you ask for. The problem is that many of us subconsciously ask for things that we don't want. We don't know it, but we're attracting negative energy, attitudes, people and situations every day.

The Secret is a little book, but is a must read for everyone. Once you read it, read it again. Get it here: The Secret

You can take the readings that you find from The Law of Attraction and put them into anything -- from business and family to relationships and how you live your life.

Such a simple concept, but how many actually do it?

Do it today -- you'll be happy that you did.

So, What Does The Secret Have to Do With BPD?

I actually bought this book for the BPD when I was with her. I read it, then got a copy for her. I got her this book and The Power of Positive Thinking -- anything that I could do to change her thinking process so she would see the positive, the good in the world.

It didn't work. When you're disordered, you can't get past your obsessions, your obsessive thoughts and your anxiety. It's sad, but all of these efforts -- those of you that have been following the blog know them -- cannot overcome a personality disorder like Borderline Personality disorder.

Advanced Law of Attraction Studies -- Abraham

I just started reading this, but it seems quite interesting. It's the story of a spirit named Abraham and his teachings about The Law of Attraction.

Now, I'll tell you, this is more advanced Law of Attraction -- like Law of Attraction 200 or 300 if we were in a college course.

It's pretty funky, but it's definitely interesting. It's worth reading, although I have yet to get through it.

You Can Change Your Life

The beautiful part of this is that you can change your life. You have the power. It's an amazing power, so envision the life that you want and deserve. Then go do it.

BPD Stories

They're dwindling again -- the number of BPD stories that I can tell about my relationship are dwindling. I was only in the relationship for two years, and I've been out of it for two and a half years. I can only tell so many stories about a relationship that was only two years old.

Sadly, I can probably tell less stories about my marriage to my ex wife. We were married for 13 years. That's a whole 'nother story.

You Can Recover From a BPD Relationship

The beautiful part of this is that you really can recover from a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I've proven it in this blog. I have baggage and scars, but no longer is my psyche shattered and frail from the relationship.

The borderline may rock your world for a while and it may *feel* like you'll never be better again, but you can get through it.

If you do it right, you'll be a better person than when you entered the relationship. It's an opportunity to grow. I've proven it.

Where to Go From Here?

Well, I'll keep writing. I've promised you. I get enough material from your emails (drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com) and comments to continue this for some time. I'll also continue to provide helpful how to's and other tips.

Keep the ideas coming. This blog continues to be great community. Let's keep it that way.

The Race

I recently ran a race called the Muddy Marathon -- it was a course that was the worst thing I've ever run over -- miles of mud bogs, rivers and streams, rocks gardens where your ankle twists multiple times, and hills. Actually, mountains. You have to climb up mountains where you scramble up rock faces, following the person in front of you. Then you go down, and it's just as tough as going up.

I've done quite a few races in my day, but nothing like this.

I can't explain to anyone who didn't go through it how bad it was. I can't explain the feeling I had when I was climbing the rock face -- maybe I should just go down. I can't go down, because there is someone behind me. 


It's tougher to try to go down than it is to finish climbing up. I'm almost there.


I made some huge tactical errors in the race. My water system (a Camelback) was moldy, so I brought no water. I also didn't bring enough food with me anyway.

Can't Explain How Bad It Was To Others

I can't explain to anyone else how bad the race really was. When I describe it to others, I can see that they can understand that it was bad, but not anywhere near as bad as it really was.


Jennie saw me finish the race. When I finished, she saw the mud that was caked on me, up to my thighs, and she saw how long it took me to get it off. She still doesn't understand how bad it really was.

No one that I told understood what I really went through, how I felt, and how the race made me feel. I bonked halfway through the race because of my lack of food and water. No one felt any of those things.

Sound familiar?

Similar BPD Experiences With Fellow Nons

It's oh so true. All of us Nons have the quite similar, if not the same, experiences with our (ex) BPD partners. It scares me sometimes how similar it is.

One recent comment included a statement that said, "that sounds like something that my exBPD would say." You don't know how many times I thought that when I read an email, a comment, something sent by one of you. It amazes me.

BPD Jealousy

The worst part about it was that when it first happened and I would get those comments, a tinge of that old BPD jealousy would kick in, and I would actually wonder, "is that her?" The roots of the BPD relationship are deep, and we feel them for months, if not years.

Yes, we have all shared quite similar, if not the same, experiences. It's so bad that I can give you a list of them:

• Your BPD partner cheats on you, but eventually tells you 
• Your BPD partner constantly tells you that they hate you, but then will pull you back in for a number of reasons
• Your BPD partner does not trust you at all; at first, it was their fault because of their past, but eventually, it became because of you.

I could go on for hours. It's a shame, but they experiences are so similar...

BPD Habits and Behaviors

These can only be described as BPD habits and behaviors. There are plenty of reasons that I've described throughout the site, but unfortunately for us Nons, we have to live with these behaviors. They are similar, there's nothing that we can do about this.

Bottom line -- maybe the comment that I received was from a BPD partner of someone who visits this site (we do get thousands of hits on this site). Maybe the comments that I get regularly are about my exBPD partner. I don't know.

It really doesn't matter, though. We're in recovery from these people -- contact is the last thing that we want.

Relationship Recovery Step 2: Let Yourself Heal

Someone heard me say this once and responded, "of course you have to do that, Captain Obvious."

It's the easiest thing to overlook. In this world, we don't give ourselves time to heal. Any relationship that ends -- dysfunctional or non, romantic or friendship, has an impact on you when it ends.

Grateful Dead drummer Bill Kreutzmann moved to Hawaii after Jerry Garcia died and the band disbanded. He lived there for a number of years, and Hawaii remains his residence. Bill said that immediately after the band officially disbanded, he went there to heal.

Heal?

Thirty years of his life -- 30 years -- was spent as the drummer of The Grateful Dead. He and Jerry were the founding members of the band. Whether they were close or not, they had a longlasting relationship. The band was often called The Family, especially in the early days. They lived together for many years and traveled together as well.

Relationships -- romantic, friendship, working, family -- are the most important element of human interaction. When we lose them, we lose a part of ourselves. We must heal from losing this part, then make ourselves whole again.

If we do not heal, we cannot be whole.

Part of this healing, of course, is Feeling the Pain, which was the first step in this process. After we have felt the pain and are feeling the pain, we have to allow ourselves the time to heal ourselves.

Like I have mentioned, drinking or abusing drugs, digging into work, jumping into another relationship, over exercising and a number of other excesses do not allow you to heal -- they allow you time to distance yourself from the pain.

The problem that when you come back, the pain is still there.

Ways to Heal from a Dissolved Relationship

Share your feelings with a friend or a professional -- It's important to express your feelings instead of stuffing them back inside of you. If you let them out, it's like toothpaste coming out of a tube. It can't go back in and keep doing damage to your psyche.

Think about how many things you've stuffed back inside and haven't dealt with in your life. It's human, but it's not good.

Back to sharing the feelings. By sharing your feelings, they become real and they lose their impact on you. You allow yourself to have the feelings, hence letting yourself heal.

This can be particularly difficult in a dysfunctional relationship, and even worth in a broken borderline relationship. You know elements of the relationship were wrong and broken, and you probably hid it, and now you have to admit these wrongs and that you knew they were wrong. What's worse, you don't have closure, so you probably don't want to expose all the dysfunction in hopes of the relationship re-kindling.

Letting it all out, the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, is part of the healing.

Realize That You're Broken

After a relationship ends, everyone worries about you, and you tell them, "I'm okay."

No you're not. A relationship ending is like a death, and you have to go through the mourning -- and healing process. It takes time and a process of rebuilding. You need to rebuild.

Even if you tell people that you're okay, deep down inside, you're not. The sooner that your broken self comes to the surface, the quicker you can heal.

In upcoming posts, look for the next Relationship Recover Step, Do The Work.

BPD Awareness Month & David's Personal BPD Recovery Update

Publisher's Note: David checked in and updated all of us on the status of his BPD relationship recovery. He also provides information on BPD Awareness Month. Thanks David for the update -- and the information on BPD Awareness Month

Well it's been a year now since the final spiral downward in my former relationship with the uBPD after 2 years, I've written about it before but it was the  arguably the worst moment of my life where all my stuff collided head on with all her stuff and effects resonated for 6 more months.

This month will celebrate the 6 month anniversary of the final breakup initiated by her and that lightbulb moment that made me realize my own part in the relationship that was unhealthy. I still miss her though, even realizing that for her nothing has changed just that she's with another man.

BPD Awareness Month Update

By Act of the U.S. House of Representatives,

MAY is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month*

To learn more about BPD visit the National Education Alliance for

Borderline Personality Disorder at www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com,

or the National Alliance on Mental Illness at www.nami.org.

“It is essential to increase awareness of BPD among people suffering

from this disorder, their families, mental health professionals and the

general public by promoting education, research, funding, early detection

and effective treatments.”

*H. RES 1005, PASSED 4/1/08

Back to David's BPD Recovery Update

As for me I'm slowly getting used to the single life, I've unsuccessfully dated but I'm getting back out there. I'm setting goals for myself, am giving the car free life a try and wrangling in my finances. I'm planning a trip to East Asia, getting more involved with my church, I hardly drink anymore, I am no longer the man I was before or during the time I was with the uBPD. I'm developing a healthy persona and facing my fears even though it sucks sometimes (ok, most of the time but it will get better). I still have deep emotions for her (but then again I was addicted) but I'm facing my part.
 
I figure I have 1.5 years left to truly be over her but the hardest part is over...

Great work, David. Keep the faith, and be sure to keep checking in and providing status updates...

Learn From Everything That You Experience

As human beings, we go through so many different things. We experience so much, and we have so many things happen that we are blessed to learn from. If we choose to learn from them.

There are so many things that happen in life that we just dismiss and don't learn from. We need to learn from everything that happens. If we don't, we'll have to re-experience it.

I think of it this way, somewhat like the Buddhists do when they travel on their journey to self-actualization. Or how we Christians do when on our path to living like Jesus. Our challenge in life is to learn from what we have experienced. The most traumatic events, the slightest encounters, each and every one of them are learning opportunities.

Traumatic Events May Usually Spur Change

Many people have to suffer a traumatic event to make changes. Breakups with borderlines can be quite traumatic, and this will often make us start to make changes in ourselves. This is good change. We learn from our negative experiences, and as humans, we try to minimize our negative or threatening experiences.

However, even the most mild encounter, positive or negative, is an opportunity for growth and change. Maybe we did something that we could have done better. Maybe we had something happen to us where we reacted improperly.

I recently got poison ivy after removing a fallen tree that fell in the road. I saw the tree and knew that cars could get around it, but it was causing trouble. I was running by and just picked up the tree and moved it, not thinking that it was a poison ivy or oak tree.

Three days later, I am itching like there is no tomorrow and have poison ivy outbreaks on my hands, arm, leg and chest. It took me a couple of days to figure out how I got this poison ivy.

"Probably three boy scouts went past it, and you moved it," Jennie said.

So now, what do I learn from the experience? Not to try to be the good Samaritan before I think about what I'm doing.

You can and should learn from everything you experience, or you will make some of the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe you'll speak negatively or judge someone. Does it make you feel good, deep down inside? I bet not.

Learn from everything.

Recommended reading:

200 Posts!

This blog has reached yet another milestone -- it now has over 200 posts on it, mostly about recovering from a relationship with someone affected with Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, mostly...

I know that I sometimes digress and put song lyrics in here, stories about my personal life and family, but jeez, don't we need something besides the same ole, same ole? Try to keep it interesting...

Some have told me that I should make my blog posts shorter so I have more content. Others have told me to stop blogging. Many others have told me to keep going.

I'm still going, as we can see. Thanks to Jennie for being my number one fan. A much lesser person would have been so insanely jealous that she never could have stomached me writing about another relationship, my feelings then and now, and my brutal honesty. I appreciate her support and encouragement and will be grateful for my lifetime.

Not Always a Pleasant Road

This blog has had its ups and downs. After I first met Jennie, I was going to shut the blog down, and I actually didn't post for a couple of months. I still had healing to do and had to keep it going. So I did.

I've written many times before that the main reason that I keep going is because of your comments. This is true, but sometimes I get not-so-pleasant comments along with the pleasant comments. The worst one I've ever gotten is below. I never published it because of the curses (I'm not able to edit comments -- I either need to publish them as is or reject them):

You stupid, bitter man. Your blog is sh**. It's unbelivable how you think there's nothing wrong with you.

Do you really think borderline is incapable of empathy? Do some f***ing research. Some of them are, some of them are not. 

Why do you think borderline cuts? Why do you think borderline hates herself more than anything? BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE HAS TO CARRY ALL TO GUILT _BECAUSE OF F***ING PROJECTION_. It goes that way, too. She blames others too, yes. But deep inside she thinks everything about her is just so wrong. You are just too selfish to understand that. 

And I don't give a f*** about the fact that you're not going to publish this.


So, first, I did publish this whomever-you-are. In the future, please email me if I'm missing something. You needn't be so nasty in your emails, but your identity is hidden, so I guess you can be passive aggressive. I hope you feel much better after sending such a nasty email as this.


So that was the worst one -- but overall, it's been such a wonderful ride. I get to hear from each of you, and read about each of you and your stories -- they're all so different, but so much the same.

In the end, we were all hurting so badly, so in need of help, a lifeline, anything to get us out of the abyss of a BPD partner.

I'm not a doctor, do not provide professional advice, but I am a kindred spirit. I've been there. I've hurt. I've gotten myself out of the abyss and have dealt with the pain that we have all felt. It sucks.

200 posts later, I'm much better.

The future will continue to see more BPD recovery. I may expand the community to include new websites, such as www.mybpdrecovery.com and www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, where I may open up forums and link into more resources for those recovering from a relationship with a borderline.

The ride continues. Enjoy it.

Examine Potential New Partners Through Internet Dating

I'm going out of order here, but there's reasons for this. Each of us are at different places in our journey, and we may be ready to start dating. Dating for some may be something that they do to avoid the pain, which can be okay, as long as we eventually face, feel, and address the pain.

Today's dating world is different than it was five, ten and 20 years ago. The Internet has revolutionized dating, in some ways for good, in others for bad. 

If we use the Internet and Internet dating sites properly, they can be used for good and to help find a new partner.

Meeting Good -- And Bad -- People On the Internet

When I first started using dating sites, particularly Match.com, I met women that well, had BPD tendencies or were BPD. My nature was to gravitate towards women that had those tendencies, and after I read books like No More Mr. Nice Guy, I learned how to not meet these kinds of women. 

That was growth that had to take place within me, though. It took time, effort and a lot of self-examination, which I continue to do. 

At a certain point, I began looking for the right things in women -- I suddenly stopped looking at whether they liked to party, and I started looking at the substance behind them.

The Internet and Internet dating sites allow us to take that first step in the screening process. It's a time-consuming process, but the Internet allows us to quickly screen people like you weren't ever able to do before.

Now, you can go through enormous numbers of people on paper and see how they match up to you. Are they good fits or not?

With that said, the founder of eHarmony has said that it still takes about two years to get to know someone, and I believe that. You still have to spend the time to see how they are deep down inside, if you are compatible with them, and if you have the same outlooks on life. This takes time.

I met Jennie on a dating site. We've now been together for two years, and we're getting ready to marry. Without a dating site, we may never have met (again -- we knew one another in High School). 

Clearly, dating sites are beneficial. You just have to use them properly, then have fun!

Dating Site May Promotions, Packages and More

I recently heard about a number of new promotions that the dating sites are doing, so I wanted to pass them along. Be sure to still screen out your partners so you get the right ones, and watch out for the eyes...

Note: I've also included sites (below) that are not offering specials -- the ones that have specials are indicated below (by the offer)

Spring Into Love Now on PerfectMatch.com.  Special Seasonal Offer: Over 30% Off Two Month Subscription for Only $24.98/Month.

Try Chemistry.com FREE with our Free Communication Weekend - This weekend!












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