It's time to put it to bed. There are too many possibilities out there right now, and life is just too darn good to worry about these things anymore. It's tough when you're in a relationship with a BPD because you end up sacrificing most of yourself for them.
When you get out of the relationship, you don't know what to do. Every moment that you have of free time -- isn't free. It's spent devoting yourself to the BPD. When you do suddenly get a free moment, you feel paralyzed because you're so afraid that the BPD will accuse you of a multitude of things.
Anyway, she can't haunt me anymore. I'll still be looking over my shoulder for some time, but that will also subside in time. She can't make my life crazy anymore, which is nice.
It's my life again. The Me Project will continue, but in terms of closing this chapter, I'm turning the page. I'll continue to heal, but I'm not feeling so crushed, so hurt, so chaotic anymore.
The time has come. Move on. Stay healthy. Make sure that the next partner is emotionally healthy and stable, does not have huge amounts of baggage, supports me, etc. They'll have substance which I admire and respect. They'll be driven.
Goodbye Oz. I'm going back to the real world, living life day by day, planning for the future.
I can't wait to see what's coming my way.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Missing The Girls
When you live with two little girls for a year and a half, you grow attached to them. When you put two little girls to bed every night, do their homework, tell you that you love them, fix their boo boos, and take care of them, then you're suddenly out of their life, you have a big hole in your heart.
I still have that hole. Tears are in my eyes as I write this, as I was never able to say goodbye to my girls. That hurts.
The oldest girl and I hit it off from the start. She was quite shy at first, but I pulled her out of her shell and watched her blossom into a beautiful girl that was confident and assertive. It took time, but she was really growing. She used to sit with me and look at my face, every inch of it, and say things like 'your nose hair is getting long.' We'd laugh together, and I'd tickle her. She never had a man to pick and prod over, ask questions like the one about my nose hair, and just be loved unconditionally.
Pure love. All I ever wanted to give them. Pure love.
The younger one was a little different. Three years younger than her sister, she was more guarded, but she was warm to me by the end. At night, she would wait for me to come home and tuck her in before going to sleep when I was with my kids. I was able to show her how she could trust me, that I was consistent, and that I was there for her.
Then I was gone. I haven't seen them since September.
We'd also do other family things, like bike around, walk the dog and go sledding in the winter. The blended family did lots of things such as go biking, skiing, hiking, take vacations, go out at night and tell ghost stories...you name it. They were tight and they stuck together.
The girls integrated well with my kids. Kate, again, had her first interactions with boys, and it was special for her. She would buddy around with either boy, depending on the timing. She would also pal around with Erin. Erin and Gracie became tight and the girls called each other sisters and best friends.
God, my heart is broken. I miss them. Those are two of the most wonderful girls in the world. They have so much promise, I loved being in their lives and caring for them.
Don't ever get involved with someone who's unstable for these reasons. The loss is quite a bit more than just her if you're in my situation. I now need to take care of my own first and foremost, but I wish that I could care for them as well. In their situation, it becomes all about their mother, not them. Kate will end up growing up feeling like she's 'caring' for her mother, and she may harbor resentment when she gets older.
No matter what, she doesn't have to grow up like that yet. When I was there, she was able to let go and be a little girl. It was wonderful watching her throw a temper tantrum to see who would pay attention. I laughed one time watching it.
She can't do those things anymore, because she now has to care for her mother's emotional state.
Yet another shame.
I still have that hole. Tears are in my eyes as I write this, as I was never able to say goodbye to my girls. That hurts.
The oldest girl and I hit it off from the start. She was quite shy at first, but I pulled her out of her shell and watched her blossom into a beautiful girl that was confident and assertive. It took time, but she was really growing. She used to sit with me and look at my face, every inch of it, and say things like 'your nose hair is getting long.' We'd laugh together, and I'd tickle her. She never had a man to pick and prod over, ask questions like the one about my nose hair, and just be loved unconditionally.
Pure love. All I ever wanted to give them. Pure love.
The younger one was a little different. Three years younger than her sister, she was more guarded, but she was warm to me by the end. At night, she would wait for me to come home and tuck her in before going to sleep when I was with my kids. I was able to show her how she could trust me, that I was consistent, and that I was there for her.
Then I was gone. I haven't seen them since September.
We'd also do other family things, like bike around, walk the dog and go sledding in the winter. The blended family did lots of things such as go biking, skiing, hiking, take vacations, go out at night and tell ghost stories...you name it. They were tight and they stuck together.
The girls integrated well with my kids. Kate, again, had her first interactions with boys, and it was special for her. She would buddy around with either boy, depending on the timing. She would also pal around with Erin. Erin and Gracie became tight and the girls called each other sisters and best friends.
God, my heart is broken. I miss them. Those are two of the most wonderful girls in the world. They have so much promise, I loved being in their lives and caring for them.
Don't ever get involved with someone who's unstable for these reasons. The loss is quite a bit more than just her if you're in my situation. I now need to take care of my own first and foremost, but I wish that I could care for them as well. In their situation, it becomes all about their mother, not them. Kate will end up growing up feeling like she's 'caring' for her mother, and she may harbor resentment when she gets older.
No matter what, she doesn't have to grow up like that yet. When I was there, she was able to let go and be a little girl. It was wonderful watching her throw a temper tantrum to see who would pay attention. I laughed one time watching it.
She can't do those things anymore, because she now has to care for her mother's emotional state.
Yet another shame.
Day By Day
The days seem to be getting better. They seem to be a little brighter every day.
There are a lot of things happening that are helping to contribute to me feeling better:
- Part of it is WTO,
- part of it is time.
- Part of it is the books.
- Part of it is the people in my life
- Part of it is the things that I'm doing to occupy my time and fill the holes in my life
- Part of it is church.
I'm starting to reprogram all of the bad memories that she put in my head. All the "you're bad" thoughts that she gave me. And I took it.
What kind of person tells another that you're bad? Only a maniac.
God, all of the things, from the beginning, are now starting to come together. I think she deceived me regularly:
- The nights where she didn't call me when she was supposed to and said that a woman gave her a ride home, I don't believe. In fact, she started a fight the next evening as well and wasn't available. Looking back, she probably met someone and went out, then called me the next day and apologized.
It's all coming together. She lied about everything in the relationship and tried to pin that on me.
You learn that BPDs always lie -- their entire life is based on other people, and they have no sense of self.
She also shows huge signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as she was never wrong for anything and in the end wouldn't take accountability for anything.
How frustrating, though -- I put up with that crap. I feel angry, upset and not happy about how I was treated. What a frigging monster.
There are a lot of things happening that are helping to contribute to me feeling better:
- Part of it is WTO,
- part of it is time.
- Part of it is the books.
- Part of it is the people in my life
- Part of it is the things that I'm doing to occupy my time and fill the holes in my life
- Part of it is church.
I'm starting to reprogram all of the bad memories that she put in my head. All the "you're bad" thoughts that she gave me. And I took it.
What kind of person tells another that you're bad? Only a maniac.
God, all of the things, from the beginning, are now starting to come together. I think she deceived me regularly:
- The nights where she didn't call me when she was supposed to and said that a woman gave her a ride home, I don't believe. In fact, she started a fight the next evening as well and wasn't available. Looking back, she probably met someone and went out, then called me the next day and apologized.
It's all coming together. She lied about everything in the relationship and tried to pin that on me.
You learn that BPDs always lie -- their entire life is based on other people, and they have no sense of self.
She also shows huge signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as she was never wrong for anything and in the end wouldn't take accountability for anything.
How frustrating, though -- I put up with that crap. I feel angry, upset and not happy about how I was treated. What a frigging monster.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter Memories
Easter was a good memory with her and the kids. Two years ago, she met my family for the first time -- they loved her and the girls profusely. Last year, we went to my parents with the girl after celebrating Easter at her house. I think that was right before her house flooded and she kicked me out the second time for no reason -- more abuse, and every silver lining has a touch of gray.
Anyway, it's been a tough few days -- I'm not sure why but I guess the detachment is once again taking place and the emotional wounds of that are again beginning to surface. I guess you don't only grow addicted to the highs, you grow used to the lows as well. You go from a thousand miles an hour with a BPD to no interaction; it's a bit of a shock.
They say that you have to disengage for one full year for recovery to occur. I'm getting there...
It was nice getting up with the girls and having them look for eggs that were filled with candy and coins, I believe. We had to watch the dog so she didn't get them -- think the hound was in the laundry room.
It' s just crazy, that I can look back and have such fond memories, and she's so totally out of her mind that she thinks that she was the victim of some monster. Too much. Insane.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Happy Easter. I'm back in the healing process and about to blow the doors off this joint, I can feel it.
Look out world, Den is back.
Anyway, it's been a tough few days -- I'm not sure why but I guess the detachment is once again taking place and the emotional wounds of that are again beginning to surface. I guess you don't only grow addicted to the highs, you grow used to the lows as well. You go from a thousand miles an hour with a BPD to no interaction; it's a bit of a shock.
They say that you have to disengage for one full year for recovery to occur. I'm getting there...
It was nice getting up with the girls and having them look for eggs that were filled with candy and coins, I believe. We had to watch the dog so she didn't get them -- think the hound was in the laundry room.
It' s just crazy, that I can look back and have such fond memories, and she's so totally out of her mind that she thinks that she was the victim of some monster. Too much. Insane.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Happy Easter. I'm back in the healing process and about to blow the doors off this joint, I can feel it.
Look out world, Den is back.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Den Is Back...or Is He??
After losing my soul, I'm back. Still healing, but back.
I have yet to get some of my regular spunk back, but that's because I'm not spending time with enough people, and the people that I am spending time with (at work mostly) aren't very spunky.
That's okay, it'll get better. With the right company, I can still be me, which is nice. It'll take more time to fully integrate back into the real world, but I'm getting there, learning a lot about new people.
So if anyone should ever wonder whether Den is back or not, he is. He's grown quite a bit, but he's back.
At the end of the day, I'm just a guy, a boy at heart that will never lose that sense. I enjoy simple things, like playing guitar, listening to music and being in a safe environment. I get the most out of my kids as I watch them become these amazing personalities.
Be sure to only show your vulnerabilities in safe environments. The wrong people will try to destroy you with your vulnerabilities. Don't let them.
Den is back though and the world's a lot better.
I have yet to get some of my regular spunk back, but that's because I'm not spending time with enough people, and the people that I am spending time with (at work mostly) aren't very spunky.
That's okay, it'll get better. With the right company, I can still be me, which is nice. It'll take more time to fully integrate back into the real world, but I'm getting there, learning a lot about new people.
So if anyone should ever wonder whether Den is back or not, he is. He's grown quite a bit, but he's back.
At the end of the day, I'm just a guy, a boy at heart that will never lose that sense. I enjoy simple things, like playing guitar, listening to music and being in a safe environment. I get the most out of my kids as I watch them become these amazing personalities.
Be sure to only show your vulnerabilities in safe environments. The wrong people will try to destroy you with your vulnerabilities. Don't let them.
Den is back though and the world's a lot better.
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