Boundaries: Critical For Survival

Without them, you will be ripped into shreds and made to feel like a terrible person. With them, you can maintain a *healthy* sense of self-worth, if you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

I'd argue that any of us that are in a long-term relationship with a borderline can't maintain properly boundaries with our partner. We have a tendency to let our partners regularly violate our boundaries and hurt us, telling us terrible things about us and put all of their misery on us.

What Are Boundaries?

Simply stated (wish me luck here), boundaries are the rules that a person lives by:

- How will I allow people to treat me?

- Will I let people make fun of me, ridicule me, treat me poorly, or will I leave such situations?

- Will I let people hurt me, or will I not stand for being hurt, ending a relationship when boundaries are violated?

We have boundaries in all of our relationships, with friends, family and lovers. Most of the time, self-esteem and self worth will impact how healthy our boundaries are with others. Those with low self esteem and low self worth will let others violate what would be healthy boundaries.

I was told by a counselor once that my exBPD girlfriend had no boundaries. Thinking about it more, I disagree. Let me explain.

Borderlines have difficulty establishing and enforcing boundaries. Their instability makes them put up boundaries that are too strong, then letting their boundaries down completely. Because they are such extreme people, they cannot have healthy boundaries, and in fact, they will often put up such strong boundaries that they will alienate others.

The BPD that constantly plays victim to another person and claims to be regularly victimized is putting up boundaries, no matter how dysfunctional they may be. They are telling their partner that they were victimized by another person and they don't want to have that happen again. My exBPD played the victim card that she was extremely hypersensitive. She would fabricate thoughts that I had, accusing me of doing horrible things that I never had any intention of doing.

Suddenly, she was again playing the victim, making sure that terrible things didn't happen to her. This kept her boundaries too strong and invaded my boundaries.

My initial response to these strange, completely off-the-wall accusation was, "I have nothing to hide and would never do such a thing to you." But over time, these off-the-wall accusations wear on a person. My responses weakened to I would never intentionally try to make you feel like this, to which she accused me of hurting her, but not intentionally doing things. Like I was doing this subconsciously.

This was all in her head, but it became my reality. She worked into me and violated my boundaries for healthy self-worth and self esteem. Because I was newly divorced and hurting, I allowed this to happen -- for over a year, then I had to start protecting myself.

Initially, I thought that she would see the good in me -- the person that I was. She never did. In a way, I was trying to violate healthy boundaries by trying to show her who I was.

Boundaries can be confusing. Remember that healthy boundaries are critical to someone feeling good about themselves, which is healthy self esteem. If you feel bad about yourself, first check and see if someone is making you feel like that. If they are, I'd bet that they're violating your boundaries.

Borderderline Personality Devaluation: Unexplainable Criticism

So many Nons that are in relationships with Borderlines know the drill -- life is great, the world is wonderful, they are living on Cloud 9, then you could snap your fingers -- just snap them, and the Borderline Personality begins to rip into you. They say things like "I hate you," sometimes over and over again.

For me, those words are the worst. "I hate you." What a hurtful thing to say to someone else. I have never said those words to anyone else. I don't think I've really ever said those words about someone else.

This is the Borderline's trademark. Out of nowhere, an "I hate you," comes flying at you, often for what you think is no reason.

After breaking up, the most disconcerting thing for me was the fact that we went from being so close, so comfortable with one another, to absolutely no contact. When we did have contact with one another (which was via text message or email), it initially was a lot of "I miss you."

Then, it became quite adversarial right in front of your eyes. You could have snapped your fingers -- again, ye ole vengeance switch.

These are people that we put all of our faith, all of our trust, all of our everything into, and they treat us like dirtballs. They tell us that they hate us, they kick us, they beat us, they tell us that our children are mental patients. They say hurtful things that we must endure.

We just can't figure it out.

Feeling Too Much?

Interviews with Borderlines has indicated that they are, in fact, feeling too much -- they have such a heightened state of awareness and sensitivity to their environment that they just can't handle it. So, when they have some kind of stiumuli--any kind of stimuli, whether it be a situation, something that another person has said, a song, a smell, a feeling, they react. The Nons in their life are blindsided.

Hypersensitivity could be a reason for Borderline Personality devaluation. The Borderline could just feel bad and threatened that the Non is taking advantage of them. It's tough, because their responses can be so extreme that they are downright abusive.

Abusive Relationship

That's the ultimate problem -- if you are in a relationship with a Borderline, you're in an abusive relationship. They put their misery on you, often blame you for their misery, treat you inappropriately, and have no idea what they're doing.

They hurt you. They scar you.

I'm going on two years of no contact with The Borderline, and while I've healed, I still carry scars of abuse. It's strange, but I know that they're there.

I had never been kicked out of somewhere that I lived. Ever. Suddenly, I'm staying with my parents -- something that I hadn't done in 20 years, because a borderline kicked me out.

Making Good Out of Bad

The relationship left me at my lowest ever. Just read some of my posts from 2007 and you'll see what I mean. In time, I was able to put it back together.

The best thing that came out of my recovery was the relationship that I began with Jesus Christ. I was raised Catholic but hadn't started to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Being so broken, so full of shame, feeling so low made me go back to church and ultimately begin this relationship.

If you feel broken and lost, you may have a God Shaped Hole in your life. Take a look and think about it. Learn more about starting a relationship with Jesus here.

You can recover from a relationship with a Borderline Personality. BPD Relationship Recovery can be difficult, but it's doable. You can survive a borderline breakup and thrive. You may have scars. You can, however, make life more enjoyable than ever before. It's up to you.

The Me Project Is Changing

I started this blog over two years ago in an attempt to heal from a highly dysfunctional relationship. A relationship that I didn't understand that I needed to work through. One that left me feeling hurt, confused, scared, unsure of myself...all the things that you don't want when leaving a relationship.

When in a borderline relationship, there are too many things that are about the person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder:

- You are constantly making your partner feel good about themselves, alleviating them of their misery

- You are always helping them and supporting them with their constant self-loathing

- You continually are on your guard, waiting for the next time that the borderline will attack you, which will probably be just when you try to let your guard down for a moment

So, when you leave the relationship, you need to make things about you, for a change.

That's how the Me Project was born. Coming out of the relationship, I was hurting, hurting like I hadn't hurt before. So emotionally scarred, soft and tender, in so much pain, trying to get through each day, sometimes trying to get through each hour.

Those were bad times. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I remember sitting at my family's house on Christmas 2007, tears running down my eyes as I laid on the couch. So alone after I had put so much into this relationship. I got nothing back and walked away feeling terrible -- probably another indication of such a dysfunctional relationship.

Over the next six months, I healed. Sometimes I felt great, while other times, not so great. I regressed quite a bit in March when we traded emails and text messages, then continued my recovery through the year.

Today, nearly two years after she and I last saw one another, I can say that I have healed. I have let go, I have forgiven her from the pain she inflicted on me, and I have moved on.

While the Me Project continues, this blog is no longer about me.

It's about each of you.

It's about you recovering Non's that have just learned that the person you dated (or are dating) probably has Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's about you Non's that just had your heart broken, ripped into shreds, by someone that you think is BPD.

It's about those of you that are recovering from a highly dysfunctional relationship. You don't know what happened, but you just feel raw. Like someone pulled a rug out from under your feet, and you landed on your head. Hard.

It's about you that suspect that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. You just don't get what your partners are screaming about. Why they keep saying these things to you and what it means.

So, the time for myself on this blog has now changed. I'll continue to provide life updates and tell my stories, but I'm also going to use material that you send me (send to mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com).

Thanks to each of you for helping to shape this blog -- please continue shaping this blog as we move into the future. Send me your comments, questions and general rants.

Welcome to the Us Project. It's not just my recovery anymore; it's yours too.

Do Borderlines Appear Normal?

I recently received an email asking if the BPD that I dated appeared normal. Did she seem like a person that had a good head on her shoulders? Did she seem like someone that I would be interested in and attracted to? Without a doubt, the answer is yes.

Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.

When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.

Not Reality

This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.

However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.

I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.

The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.

The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.

Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:

- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.

- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.

- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal

- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before

- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)

- Few, if any friends

The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.

The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.

BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.

The Firehouse: BPD Drama At Its Best

The firehouse was the best example of BPD drama and the way that borderlines view their lives as a movie. To fully understand the borderline and her boyfriend Bob, read the past few posts, then read Saint Patrick's Day as well as the More About Bob posts.

Before I start, let me say that this is the Borderline's story, so I cannot validate the story's validity. I later found from Bob that they both had restraining orders against them and that she was convicted on charges of making terroristic threats.

The Borderline said that she was done with the relationship and going to break up with him. When they went to their normal bar to spend the night together, she told him and he asked her to take a ride with him. Of course, she obliged.

When they took a ride, he took her to a local fire house. He worked as a fire fighter in this local town and the town had multiple houses through the small city. This one was pretty far out.

She said that at this point, she said that she wanted to go home, and he retorted, "you're not going anywhere," grabbing her arm and pulling her into the firehouse.

Inside the firehouse, they went to the top floor. Arguing and eventually fighting, she said that he grabbed her and was going to throw her out the window. She screamed for help out the window to people leaving the local gym, but no one would come. He beat on her, and she could do nothing.

They had been drinking on the third floor, and she smashed a beer bottle off, threatening to cut him with the beer bottle. He then pushed her down the stairs, and she rolled down all of the stairs, he came after her, spraying her with a fire extinguisher.

Somehow, she got out of his clutch and got out of the building. She ran to a local police station. He gave chase and caught her outside the police station, right around a lot full of parked police cars. At this point, she appeased him, saying that she wanted to be back with him, and began to kiss him. He calmed down, kissing her back and beginning to fondle her.

She then hit him and took off, screaming for help. There were police officers outside the building who paid attention to her, heard her and came to her. They brought her inside, her blouse torn to shreds.

Bob came walking up, an officer of the town who worked for the fire department and on the planning board, trying to explain.

After hours of questioning, she was let go and Bob was arrested. He was convicted and forced to go through anger management counseling on her request.

"She [the judge] threw the f*^#ing book at me," Bob told me in our brief conversation on Saint Patrick's Day. He said that when they met, she beat him up and that he was merely defending himself. He also said that she was convicted on charges of making terroristic threats. At one point, the BPD actually had made terroristic threats at me, saying when I moved into my apartment, "if anyone else has been here, I'll make you wish that they never were," or something threatening like that.

The firehouse drama continued up until the trial, according to the BPD. Before the trial, friends of Bob were threatening her, "if you press charges, you'll wish that you never did." They testified about how the BPD performed sexual acts with Bob in public, at bars and in other strange places.

As I write this, I'm disgusted that I was with a woman that lacked any integrity. These are perfect examples of her true character and my Dulcinea Syndrome.

She told me that when they drove to the trial, she and her father saw Bob, and Bob yelled to her, "I love you."

Drama, Drama, Drama.

I'm not sure how much of this story is real, what is true and what is conjured up. Clearly, this was BPD drama in its true glory, and the perfect ending to a BPD story of drama. The movie ends the way a movie is supposed to end.

When I saw Bob and talked with him, his attorney was going to contact her and request that she lift the restraining order against him, as he was then about to be Captain of the Fire Squad. Not sure if it every happened, but the cycle continued.

I wonder if more drama came of the whole situation. Only time will tell.