From Where You Are

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

Lifehouse

I don't miss the BPD. For a while, I missed the life that the BPD and I had -- I worked hard, too hard, to keep the relationship together. It's way too difficult to do this with a BPD. You end up sacrificing yourself. Nearly two years later, I'm still healing.

I love this song though. So pretty and such a tough breakup song.

The Good Times Spent With The BPD

I spent nearly two years of my life with this woman. I have a pretty sound mind; so why would I spend so much time with someone who clearly had deep-rooted issues?

There were a lot of times with the Borderline that were good. I remember telling her regularly, "the good times outweigh the bad."

The good times did outweigh the bad in the beginning, probably for the first year-and-a-half of the relationship.

The BPD had energy that could match mine (I'm a pretty high energy person). She could do many things athletic, such as run, and she was as good a skier as I was. She could go out and party like there was no tomorrow. She liked quite a lot of the same things that I did, and she was brought up in an area similar to the area that I was. We had similar interests, from food to recreation, which is important to me.

These are just some of the reasons that I stayed with the BPD for so long. I hope that this explains why I stayed in the relationship for so long.

Unfortunately, some of this wasn't real. I thought that it was, but it wasn't.

The Borderline Mask

BPDs figure out what you want, then give you this like you've never had before. You feel like you've met a true soul mate, someone that has similar likes, feelings, attitudes and tastes about things. From your clothing tastes to what you like to do and the foods you eat, they match your tastes almost identically. Where you don't match, they slowly move to match your tastes.

It's amazing. That person that's just perfect for you. So, they freak out every once in a while about things that you don't understand. Not a biggie, right?

Wrong.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the borderline puts their misery on you. They give you the feelings that they have. They start to accuse you of things, things that are so outrageous that you can't believe it.

I was warned by a psychologist that saw both of us that this becomes abusive, both verbally and sometimes physically. The BPD actually hit me one time, slapped me right across the face, harder than I've ever been hit.

I'll never be hit that hard again.

There were definitely good times with the BPD. Some parts of life were wonderful, but they weren't real.

What I'm Looking For

Show Me What I'm Looking For

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

- Lyrics by Carolina Liar

If you're in a relationship with a Borderline or coming out of one, ask yourself what you were looking for and how the BPD filled it. You dealt with turmoil and dysfunction to fill those holes.

Now, go figure out how you can get those holes filled in a healthy manner.

The Borderline Vengeance Switch -- Snap Your Fingers

I recently heard from someone who has BPD tendencies who told me what it's like to be borderline and to feel the intense anxiety. One thing that they mentioned was what they called the Vengeance Switch.

If you've ever been with a borderline, you know what I'm talking about.

It's like you could snap your fingers, and the borderline changes from being this sweet, loving person who cares so much about you to a person that hates you, is so full of anger and rage that they will destroy you.

When you experience the vengeance switch, if you've experienced the vengeance switch, it can be a terrible thing to witness.

My relationship with the BPD saw the vengeance switch occur quite regularly -- every day around 3 pm, she thought that I called her to 'screw with her.' I would end up having 30 to 45 minute conversations in an attempt to make her feel better. The conversation would then continue into the night where we would talk for hours until she felt better. Most every day was like this.

When we were first dating, this switch would occur approximately two hours after we separated and I went back to my home. Like clockwork, her anxiety would reach a point where she would just freak out and call me, accusing me of something, from watching transvestites to having many girlfriends sprinkled all around the country...some of the things were so outrageous that even thinking about them makes me tired.

Borderlines will be borderlines. She needed the drama, the excitement, and all of it. She once told me that her previous boyfriend was a narcissist. She told me that she studied them and that they like living a life that is like a movie, with all the drama. I then learned that borderlines are the most narcissistic of all people.

Bottom line -- she was the narcissist, projecting her feelings onto others.

Back to the Borderline Vengeance Switch. It seems to be quite prevalent for all borderlines, and I think it's because they get so fearful, so much anxiety that it needs an outlet. This switch allows them to get their anxiety out, but unfortunately, they lose control, big time. Their fears all come out, usually in the form of blame and anger on another person.

If you feel the vengeance switch on you, remember, you've done nothing to spark that. It's something within the Borderline that has made that happen. Borderlines cycle, so if it gets too bad, get yourself out of the situation for a while.

As long as you have the right awareness and knowledge of these kinds of events, you have the tools that you need to address them and, at least, protect yourself.

Be sure to protect yourself if you're dealing with a borderline when they have their vengeance switch.

This is Your Life

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes
Don't close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be?
This is your life are you who you want to be?

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

- Switchfoot

It's your life. Be who you want to be. Make the change where you think you need change.

My Waterproof Cell Phone

The BPD was so suspicious of me communicating with others that I initially found it comical. I'd go to the bathroom and get super-uncomfortable. From the second date, she would accuse me of talking on the phone or text messaging when I would go to the bathroom.

Looking back, the BPD was so uncomfortable in her own skin, so insecure, that she couldn't handle anything. Her not having a job made things worse, as she had nothing to do except put her microscope on me and examine every aspect of my being, even when I went to the bathroom.

How crazy is that? Someone was so suspicious that they even questioned when you went to the bathroom. I've journaled about this before; if I spent too much time in the bathroom or if it didn't stink enough, I was doing something.

If you have this life, I'm sorry. You have to decide whether this is acceptable or not.

Anyway, I used to joke quite a bit with the BPD about this sense of insecurity. My rationale was always that I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I could joke all that I wanted.

I used to tell the borderline that I was going to get a waterproof cell phone so I could call my other girlfriends when I was in the shower. It would sound something like:

h-e-b-e-l-l-o-b-o, i-b-i-b-i-t-s m-e-b-e-b-e-b-e,

I-b-I-b-I-m-b-m-b-m-b-m i-b-i-n-b-n t-h-e-b-e s-h-o-b-o-w-e-b-e-r,

sh-e-b-e c-a-b-a-n-t h-e-b-e-r-e-b-e m-e-b-e t-a-b-a-lki-b-i-n-g i-b-n h-e-b-e-r-e-b-e

Then we'd laugh and laugh and laugh. The borderline would even laugh when I'd do this impersonation of me with my waterless cell phone. I'd also tell her that I was going to go into the back yard and send smoke signals to other women.

Funny, but sad.

One time, she found an old cell phone of mine. She called old friends and girlfriends, telling them that I had gotten diseases from prostitutes.

I learned about many of these things after the relationship had ended. Still, I probably would have stayed, sad to say.

The woman and her anxiety tried to destroy me and my integrity. Amazing that a person would go to such ends to control and oppress another person.

Wow. Thinking about this now gets me quite upset. I should have seen these things for what they were.

So, the waterproof cell phone was funny, for a while. However, it grows old and you get tired of such worrying.

You shouldn't have to worry like this.

Dare You To Move

 

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

The Showdown

We had both seen Valerie separately for about eight months. Sometimes the BPD went to Valerie alone for three hour sessions, sometimes I went to her alone.

We rarely went together.

I had moved out in September 2007 but we had continued to see one another on and off; now that we were not together, the BPD was pushing me away like we did when we were together. However, because we lived apart, I did not have to push through her constant turmoil and get the relationship back to stable.

It seems to me that when we lived together, every day, she would raise an issue that I would have to deal with -- either she thought I was cheating on her, I had lied to her, I had done something to cause her pain. I would then launch an offensive to show her that I didn't do such a thing, that I wouldn't do such a thing, and that I was, in fact, a good guy that only cared about her.

Even thinking about this makes me tired.

So, now that we lived apart, I could not deal with her turmoil every day. Her turmoil required me to often go over there to show her that I cared about her, and there were times that she even said, "don't come over here; if you do, I'll call the police."

What are you supposed to do then? Looking back, I should have bailed long before I did, however, I felt that I had to prove that I was a good guy, and I did such. Until she threatened police.

Back to Valerie. When she and I no longer lived together but still dated, I began to study Borderline Personality Disorder, the signs of a person affected with BPD and how to deal with them. I actually was told by another counselor that the BPD showed major signs of being borderline, so I knew.

Some quick searches on male abuse on the Internet confirmed that she was borderline.

I then went to her and told her that she was borderline. Bad move.

"I'm not borderline, you are," she retorted and then enlisted Valerie's help in proving that I suffered from BPD. She bought books, came to my place with books for those suffering from BPD so I could read it and feel better about myself, and the like.

I had known that she was playing a sick psychological game, but it had just gotten sicker.

So, let me go through the situation now:

- We're living apart

- I've told her that she's borderline and I have plenty of evidence to support this, including her meeting most of the criteria for BPD in the DSM

- She tells me that I am borderline and meet the criteria in the DSM

- The relationship is more rocky than ever; we both continue to see Valerie separately

We agree that we're both going to see Valerie so we can get everything out in the open:

IT'S A PSYCHOLOGICAL SHOWDOWN!

The Showdown

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, we both meet in Valerie's office to discuss everything. It was a 9 am meeting. We had stayed together the night before, but we took separate vehicles to the session -- I think that she had to drop her kids off at her sister's before the session.

The session was like no other. She accused me of being borderline, and Valerie literally pulls out the DSM in the session, and we go through it (I think she had accused me of suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder also, so we covered both). One by one, I have to show how I don't have each characteristic. Valerie is saying to the BPD, "you never told me that he worked for one employer for five years," "I never knew that he did that, that's completely normal," and the like.

I felt much better. Whew.

The session lasted over three hours. We talked about all the issues on the table, like the source for all of her insecurities, lack of trust and the like.

Being myself, I didn't push the issues too much, except I wanted them uncovered and discussed. I wasn't pointing fingers, just wanted progress forward.

In the end, after three hours of counseling, mediating, whatever you call it, Valerie says to the BPD, "so we need to schedule a follow-up session to discuss the issues that you have with your father and the control issues that you have with your upbringing."

The BPD looks at Valerie, stands up, and walks out.

I was clear. I didn't have BPD. Or DID or any D.

The BPD was gone.

Damage Control

So, the BPD has now left the office and is God-knows-where. What do you do?

First, let her vent. Then, take her somewhere so you can forget about the situation and have a good time.

We did just that. I let her rant and rave for about an hour, then took her somewhere where we could relax and have a good time. Of course, over the course of the night, she raised many of her issues, which she was becoming aware of:

- Issues with her upbringing and her parents

- Issues with her marriage and other relationships

Of course, she took no responsibility at all, whatsoever. She was always the victim.

The weekend ended up being a real nice one. The next day, we were talking about a number of things, and she said to me, "I've grown so much since I've been with you...you've really helped me learn quite a bit about myself...thank you, I appreciate that."

Those were the reasons that I stayed, I hung on, I kept myself in the relationship. I always thought that she was about to change, about to turn the corner, about to trust, for good. If she could, then all would be well.

I remember riding on the train back to work on the following day, saying to her, "just remember the feeling that you had over the weekend. Remember how you felt, how you felt about us, and don't lose that feeling."

Then....SNAP. It all changed.

Read about the change in an upcoming installment.

Back to Valerie

So, that was the last time that the BPD saw Valerie. In her mind, Valerie became part of the problem; the one that was so good in her eyes was now bad.

As far as I know, the two of them never saw one another again. The BPD was told that they had to work on more issues, and they didn't want to hear that, so Valerie was demonized. In the BPD world, you're either good or bad. Valerie was now bad.

Pretty soon after that, I became bad. Read about that too in an upcoming installment.

Valerie

We started seeing Valerie in April 2007. Sometimes together, sometimes apart. We were first referred to Valerie by Henry, the psychiatrist that I insisted we see. After going to Henry to get the BPD medicated, I ended up medicating myself. After the BPD suggested that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities or schizophrenia), we were referred to Valerie so she could diagnose and treat me.

When we first saw Valerie, I let the BPD talk and explain what she saw. There were parts of me that thought I can't believe that anyone could ever think like this, but there were other parts that began to doubt myself. Am I really dissociating and doing these things to her? Is this really what's happening?

No.

After the first session, we both agreed that I would come back individually for further evaluation. In addition, the BPD would go back individually to Valerie, as there were many issues that Valerie uncovered about the BPD that required more investigation and evaluation.

Things were starting to get verrrrrrry interesting.

Valerie spent time with both of us; after the first session, she told me that she didn't think that I was dissociating at all, but I needed to work on my self-confidence and self-assuredness. That's what BPDs do to you, though; they erode your self-confidence and self-worth.

The BPD spent multiple sessions with Valerie. I spent quite a bit of time with her as well, and I discovered quite a bit about myself. My time with Val actually escallated as the relationship was ending at the end of 2007 and in early 2008. Valerie eventually told me that it was time to go as I had reached a state of contentment.

The BPD spent quite a bit of time with Valerie as the relationship was ending. She and Valerie would regularly have 2 or 2-1/2 hour counseling sessions, which absolutely amazed me.

She sent her to a spiritualist as well, which when I looked back, I always questioned. Today, however, I realize that she sent the BPD to a spiritualist so the BPD could try to feel better in any way possible, including prayer.

Unfortunately, nothing could help the BPD.

Valerie and I first were together in April 2007, as she helped me through the second time that I was kicked out. She then helped me through my issues with the BPD and helped me give her real boundaries.

Of course, she also assured me that I did not have DID and was not dissociating. I can't believe that I needed her to tell me this.

While I was seeing her, the BPD was seeing her also, so she was feeding both of us.

In the end, Valerie told me what was most critical. She told me that I have to set a timeline for change. She told me that I had to give the BPD a certain amount of time to change, and if she didn't, that I had to make change.

I did just that.

On my Birthday, the BPD accused me of going out on a date for lunch, then when we were out to dinner, she accused me of getting a text message when she heard a phone beep. On the ride home, I gave her the timeline.

"You have four weeks to get your shit together, or this is going to be over," I told her. "I've tried all that I can with you, and nothing works; you don't change, you just get worse."

I told her this, which took more courage than I was ever able to muster up.

After four weeks, the trouble continued. Of course. A BPD can't control it.

So I told her it was time, and I made plans to move out. We went back and forth, and I was going to stay, then she kicked me out again and I stayed with my parents for a third time, then I went back to her.

I remember when I was first making plans to move out, we talked about speaking your heart. I told her "you always have to speak your heart. Tell how you feel, and don't hide it."

Later that day, she told me, "I don't want you to go." I proceeded to tell her that I appreciated that, but I had to protect myself and my family -- by that time, I stopped taking my children around the BPD and her children as the situation had gotten too unstable. To this day, I miss her kids and still think about them.

She later used that against me, saying that I asked her to open up, then crushed her. I was never trying to do this, but sometimes, we all get hurt. BPDs do what they can to protect themselves.

After the BPD and I started to split, we both continued to go to Valerie, seperately, and sometimes together.

Once we were in seperate residences, I admitted that I thought that she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

Her response? "I don't have BPD, you do." She then embarked on a mission to prove that I was borderline, pulling information from the DSM and everything. She spoke with Valerie about it as well and tried to pin it down on me.

The last time that she saw Valerie was with me two days after Thanksgiving in 2007. We had a three hour session with Valerie where everything came to a head and most things were settled.

In an upcoming post, I'll detail that three hour session, what happened, and how we finished seeing Valerie.

I still have to remind myself that the BPD did the best that she could. In her mind and from her perception, I was the bad guy that did all these terrible things to her. The reality is that I never did those things to her, but her perception won't allow her to understand that. It's a shame, but it's her reality -- her own prison, so to speak. In the end, you need to feel bad for the BPD.

So, look for the story about the final joint session with Valerie real soon. Stay tuned.

My Old Car

I have an old car that I love to drive. It drives wonderfully, when it runs. It gets great fuel economy, and I was hoping that my son would someday drive it.

It's a safe car that runs well.

The problem is that the car is a 1997 and continually has problems. Big problems:

• I was at the beach and the car ruptured an oil line. I had to stop every 20 miles and put more oil into the vehicle
• The car continues to lose power on a regular basis when I go up hills. It's a turbo diesel and multiple mechanics can't figure it out.
• Most recently, the car's sunroof is now leaking

I sit there, always thinking to myself, if I fix this one more thing, the car will run well.

Just one more thing and everything will be fine.

I felt the same way about the borderline. If I do this one more thing, she'll trust me and all will be well.

If I tolerate this one more time of abuse, all will be well and she'll trust me.

Just one more thing and she'll trust me.

I stayed in the relationship from the beginning thinking this and never learned.

My old car is now for sale.

Need To Reach Me?

Enough of you have asked to get in touch with me over the years (yes, it's been years now) to discuss some part of your own recovery/journey as it relates to BPD. So, I've finally created one:

mybpdrecovery@gmail.com

Feel free to drop me a line with questions. I can't promise that I'll answer all of them, but the most pressing ones will be responded to. Feel free to drop me a line with:

- Requests for future posts

- Questions

- Any other topic that you feel necessary.

The goal of this email address is to help make this blog even more useful to those that read it. The readership continues to grow, and we hope to continue this trend as those recovering from a relationship with someone afflicted with BPD realize that they're not alone and they can get through the pain that they feel.

Counseling

So, you get into a relationship with someone, and it's fraught with issues. She is a sweet person quite a lot of the time, but there are times where she is saying things that just aren't right.

They're wacky.

I remember thinking, people really think like this?

I learned that it's true and people really do think like that.

She could be the one, you think. But clearly, for this to work, we'll need to see counseling.

The BPD and I saw a total of four counselors. Tens out thousands of dollars. When you thought you were getting somewhere, you'd be brought back to square one, all in a blink of the eye.

A Sick Psychological Game

I remember how everything worked well. The relationship was great, but there were issues. So we went to a counselor that she had seen quite some time ago. The counselor saw her for a while, then told her it's time to go and released her.

I've learned that many psychologists dismiss their borderline patients because they will eventually try to manipulate the psychologists. Conversations go in circles and ultimately nowhere.

There are many therapies that work for borderlines. For the therapies to effectively work, however, the borderline must admit that they have issues, which is quite difficult for most afflicted with the disease.

So we went to her counselor first. After being there for an hour, she admitted that she was carrying old scars from previous relationships and that she needed to go back to counseling.

We never went back to that counselor again. The BPD admitted that the issue was theirs; not good for the BPD.

So, we next went to Gina, about two to three months after this. Gina was more convenient -- about ten minutes from my work.

We saw Gina once, but the BPD didn't like Gina. Gina was attractive and her office was in her house. The BPD told me, point blank, that she was afraid that I would sleep with Gina if we were in counseling sessions alone together.

Huh?

I went to Gina after I was kicked out the first time (see The Private Investigator entry). She was the first professional who told me that the BPD was, in fact, BPD. The first counselor was hers and would not disclose anything to me.

So, she kicks me out, I go to Gina, and I go back to her. We again need a new counselor, but this time, I want it to be someone to medicate her.

So, we go to Henry. We see Henry for a couple of months, and I think that things are going well. But, she refuses to medicate herself. I eventually request that I get medicated!

I was on Lexapro for about two weeks and realized that it did nothing for me. Oh well.

It Can All Fall Apart

Life was crazy. She was making life crazy. I had just gone through a divorce, was trying to be great to my children, trying to balance a stressful Internet Marketing job, and care for the unrealistic needs of a borderline.

"If you try to do it all," Henry warned me, "it will all fall apart." I remembered his words and have tried to simplify life whenever possible.

While we were seeing Henry, everything shifted. While I initially began discussing the issues and the problems that I was having with her behaviors, she shifted the conversations to problems that she was having with me. Once at Gina's, she came out and called me a narcissist, but now, she was letting it all fly. I was defending my behaviors and issues and trying to justify things.

Schizophrenic

Then, she went to the next level. She said that my behaviors were things that I had no recollection of, things that I didn't know that I was doing.

She told me that I was dissociating. That I had multiple personalities. In the counselors office. She told me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder

I still didn't run for the hills. What was I thinking?

I quickly realized that this was a sick psychological game that the borderline was playing. A sick game.

The counselor looked at me and queried, "do you think that you're doing this?"

"I don't remember doing this," I responded.

He said that he had no choice, but had to refer us to a counselor for evaluation and treatment. Later, he told me that the treatment was going nowhere and he needed to refer us to someone who could help move us along.

We then went to see Valerie, together and apart, for a full year. Learn about what happened with Valerie and my Dissociative Identity Disorder evaluation and treatment.