Heartbroken

I don't think that I've ever said some of the basic things that resulted from the breakup -- first, I couldn't get through to her, no matter how hard I tried. Secondly, she broke my heart. Into a million pieces.

I thought that I could get through to her. I thought that she was doing it -- realizing what the issues were and ready to fix them. Instead, it became a sick psychological game -- I've written about this -- where I became the reason for her misery.

It was quite difficult. I thought that anyone would eventually realize that she had a good person in me. I thought that I could rise above her mental illness and pull her out of her misery and self-loathing. I tried everything -- from cards that I made that indicated 'if you're feeling anxious, read this' intended to calm her anxiety to the commitment declaration. Nothing worked, which was such a tough lesson -- that I couldn't get through to her.

In the end, she broke my heart. She broke my frigging heart. I don't think that I've written that since this entire blog began. Two years after I started writing about this, and I can now say that she broke my heart.

I'm not used to having my heart broken -- that was probably part of the pain I felt. However, with a Borderline, it's worse.

If a "normal" -- whatever that means -- person breaks your heart, you understand why. They just weren't into you. But when a Borderline runs from you, it's for reasons that don't make sense. They're not based in reality, so you don't understand it. It's nonsensical, usually wrapped in rage, and you don't understand why it happens.

What's the worst part of a borderline breakup? You know that you can get back into the relationship -- you can go back and you can get her back. However, you need to take certain demeaning steps -- let her kick you out and come crawling back. Have her hit you, nail you right in the face, and take it. I didn't take much from her, but there were times when I took her downright abuse.

At that point in the relationship, I probably could have gotten back in, but I would have been forced to break natural barriers -- like go to her house or do something heroic so I could show my love for her. I refused to do this -- it was too much. Ironically, right before the last incident, she had told me how much she had appreciated how much I had shown her about herself and how much she had grown since we had been together.

My heart was broken, and I had to stay away. That's why I wrote -- it was, and continues to be, the best medicine. All of you who read this help me keep this going. Now I've healed, and I hope that I can help heal those of you that feel heartbroken, broken and just down from a borderline breakup.

All of our situations are different. But borderline breakups share quite a few common threads. From the dysfunction to the abuse, this is all indicative of a borderline breakup.

Let me know what else you need -- drop me a line by sending an email to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com.