Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I don't think that I've ever said some of the basic things that resulted from the breakup -- first, I couldn't get through to her, no matter how hard I tried. Secondly, she broke my heart. Into a million pieces.

I thought that I could get through to her. I thought that she was doing it -- realizing what the issues were and ready to fix them. Instead, it became a sick psychological game -- I've written about this -- where I became the reason for her misery.

It was quite difficult. I thought that anyone would eventually realize that she had a good person in me. I thought that I could rise above her mental illness and pull her out of her misery and self-loathing. I tried everything -- from cards that I made that indicated 'if you're feeling anxious, read this' intended to calm her anxiety to the commitment declaration. Nothing worked, which was such a tough lesson -- that I couldn't get through to her.

In the end, she broke my heart. She broke my frigging heart. I don't think that I've written that since this entire blog began. Two years after I started writing about this, and I can now say that she broke my heart.

I'm not used to having my heart broken -- that was probably part of the pain I felt. However, with a Borderline, it's worse.

If a "normal" -- whatever that means -- person breaks your heart, you understand why. They just weren't into you. But when a Borderline runs from you, it's for reasons that don't make sense. They're not based in reality, so you don't understand it. It's nonsensical, usually wrapped in rage, and you don't understand why it happens.

What's the worst part of a borderline breakup? You know that you can get back into the relationship -- you can go back and you can get her back. However, you need to take certain demeaning steps -- let her kick you out and come crawling back. Have her hit you, nail you right in the face, and take it. I didn't take much from her, but there were times when I took her downright abuse.

At that point in the relationship, I probably could have gotten back in, but I would have been forced to break natural barriers -- like go to her house or do something heroic so I could show my love for her. I refused to do this -- it was too much. Ironically, right before the last incident, she had told me how much she had appreciated how much I had shown her about herself and how much she had grown since we had been together.

My heart was broken, and I had to stay away. That's why I wrote -- it was, and continues to be, the best medicine. All of you who read this help me keep this going. Now I've healed, and I hope that I can help heal those of you that feel heartbroken, broken and just down from a borderline breakup.

All of our situations are different. But borderline breakups share quite a few common threads. From the dysfunction to the abuse, this is all indicative of a borderline breakup.

Let me know what else you need -- drop me a line by sending an email to


  1. All of the above so true. When it all came crashing down for the last time,i felt numb. There was no reasoning. There was no answers. It was all such a waste. My heart broken to a million pieces. My soul torn out. I was crushed. It has taken me over two years to try and put myself back together. I have not had another relationship so i suppose that if that should happen then i will know if i am whole again. I'm so scared. I truly hope i don't carry his (ex-BPD) damage any longer.

  2. I'm about a month out of a 14 month relationship with a textbook BPD woman. I have had no contact and felt like I was making some small bit of progress. Tonight I felt ok enough to venture out to a concert. I had pretty decent time and then as i was leaving I had to hear about ANOTHER guy she had been cheating on me with. Back to day 1.....I cannot sleep and I cannot believe im back in this place again. I am paralyzed and now I just dont want to go out or see or hear from anyone.

  3. As I comment I wonder how many of us are talking about the same harpy. We should get together for a photo and send it to her.

  4. I've been seeing a girl I strongly believe has BPD - One moment I feel she loves me, literally hours later she calls me at 3 am from some guys house. I sent her a message telling her how I feel used and unwanted. How do these people live like this...


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