She accused me of doing something and giving it to her, but I didn't give it to her as I didn't have (and still don't have) that STD.
However, she was so accusatory about me giving her the disease that I never suspected anything until now, five years later.
It took me five frigging years to figure out that she was cheating on me. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine.
Time for the story.
BPDs and Sexually Transmitted Diseases
We had just moved in together, so I was a little in shell shock, a little still wearing rosy colored glasses, and in the midst of a 3 year divorce process, when the BPD contracts genital herpes. She tells me that I gave it to her, but I've never had it. I've had cold sores in my life, but I've never had genital herpes.
I told her that maybe she has cold sores (Herpes simplex 1) on her genitals, but she didn't buy it. It was a downright onslaught of accusations.
Frankly, the BPD had me so tied up in her accusations throughout the relationship that I was never able to clear myself of, until the very end of the relationship.
The BPD accused me of multiple things, and I was regularly taking STD tests to prove my innocence.
Ironically, during one of these exercises, SHE actually tested positive for HIV. Later this was dis-proven, but man, how the world can change so quickly.
After ending the relationship with the BPD, I once again took a STD test, but this time to be sure that she didn't give me anything funky when we were off-again, on-again.
Given the behavior that I saw from this particular BPD, I would venture to say that BPDs have a tendency to contract more STDs than the rest of the population. They're more sexually active and more reckless than the rest of the population. Further, their lack of boundaries underscores the fact that they will have unprotected sex.
Non's and Self Esteem Issues
Which brings me to my major issue when I look back. I was having major self esteem issues. Probably primarily because of the divorce that I was going through. Most likely I was subconsciously feeling like no one wanted to be with me, and this was how it was manifested. I let someone walk all over me.
When I think back about it, I should have come out at this BPD wondering how they contracted Herpes. I didn't have cold sores at the time and have no recollection of getting any in that time frame. She was the one who was fiercely insecure, not me, and the one who would disappear for a night.
In the end, all worked out. It was painful being with the BPD, but time has proven that I healed and exceeded my initial feelings of self worth.
Life is good -- it's taken time to heal, but things are real good. If you're not there, you can feel this way too. Don't let yourself not enjoy life and learn to love yourself.
Posts
Hi, just wanted to share my story.
ReplyDeleteI became involved with a man I believe has BPD almost 3 months ago. When we first met he said the sweetest things, I felt so connected with him and I was convinced I'd met the man of my dreams.
That lasted about a week. The two weeks following that I felt uncomfortable around him but I chalked it up to my being intimidated by how attracted I was to him. And yes, I had self-esteem issues--or at least, he made me think I had more of an issue than I actually did.
As the days went by, I began to see disturbing behaviors. It all started when he began behaving passive-aggressively when he called me and I didn't pick up. Because I felt insecure, I kept feeling a deep-seated fear that he would not want to be with me if I spoke up or if I didn't make myself available to him whenever he called. He would accuse me of putting my friends and family ahead of him. He made a big deal out of my greeting people while I was on the phone with him.
I began to suspect abuse and controlling tendencies. As I researched, I came across BDP. I didn't have the clarity then as I have now, however, and I eventually dismissed it, attributing most of the issues to his PTSD, which was diagnosed following his time with the military.
More bad times ensued, there were two incidents where we disagreed and fought and he would berate me or tell me things aimed at my worst insecurities. He also kept saying I used him during those times. I'm not sure for what, since we didn't have sex most of the time we actually hung out in person and I never made him buy me expensive gifts. After these fights or outbursts he apologized and gave PTSD as his excuse, which I accepted. And of course, nothing I did and none of the good times we had was ever enough to make up for the "bad" he perceived was my fault.
Two weeks ago I broke up with him because I grew tired of feeling like I was being abused by his constant sarcastic remarks he thought was humorous. They WERE funny... until they were directed at me, which they often times were. He told me he did this to everyone because that was his humor and jokingly criticizing was just how PTSD shaped his personality and I should be understanding.
I got back with him five days after I broke up with him... although I felt wiser and more sure of myself, I started realizing that the teasing itself was never the problem. The real issue was I didn't feel close to him and I still didn't feel happy. I tried numerous times to make plans to see him because at that point, we hadn't seen each other for a month. It was just not enough for me that he only called me or text me.
(Sorry, had to split it)
ReplyDeleteI began realizing that a healthy relationship meant I should be able to ask for what I want and we should be able to talk about what we both wanted and reach a win-win compromise. After I failed to get him to spend time with me, I made plans last Saturday with a friend.
He called me while I was out with them and when I told him I had to get off the phone, he accused me of not wanting to talk to him and not making time for him. That night I told him we needed to talk about the relationship but he refused to speak with me on the phone. In his texts he blamed me for everything, accused me of not taking responsibility for anything, and dodged my direct questions. I told him I was tired of trying to convince him that I'm not being needy and that I was tired of being with a man who couldn't show me how he felt about me.
The night ended with me telling him that I'd give him a day to think about what I said but that this could not continue if he refused to have an adult conversation with me about the situation. I clarified that it was not a break up.
He hasn't contacted me for two days now. Meanwhile--especially after reading some of what you wrote--I've decided I can't stay in this relationship even if I feel like I've gained tools on how to live with a BP from a book I'd bought awhile ago.
I don't want to do it in text. I'm not sure what will happen from this point on, but I hope I still have the strength to keep myself from slipping back into the relationship. Because like you said, I miss how I felt when I first met him and the good of the relationship... but I don't miss him and all the bad times and what I know to be in our future if we don't go our separate ways now.
From experience the answer is no they can't. As soon as the relationship breaks down, or starts to break down, because you don't fit the dream person they made you they start looking for a new dream person. Some new rescuer to rescue them, just like you rescued them in the past. This cycle continues throughout their lives. All those that they fall in love with are left damaged just because they love a BDP who couldn't love back because of their broken past. As their lives go on they leave a trial of broken people behind them with broken hearts. They ruin lives and dreams.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was reading this post again the words "giving her the disease" hit me like a ton of bricks.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone else been accused of causing them to have BDP and now that are are free the condition has gone away?
I know that is not the case but you do start to wonder why they appear on the outside so happy even though you know they are as broken as they always are. You can even see it.
Just got out of a relationhip which was nearly a year long. Never saw the signs. Well, did see the, chose to think the best of her. She is a professional singer. Her marriage fell apart due to her sleeping around. I knew this. Figured the past is the past. Right? Told me he loved me, was dependant on me, I was her boyfriend. Those words meant something to me.
ReplyDeleteThen I find out she's been sleeping with some guy that fixed her window. Regular friday night activites. I asked her about it. She said "you don't or won't let me live my life"
I made it clearly on I don't sleep around and expect the same from my partner. Also knew I wasn't into an open relationship.
I could have lived with knowing about her past. Knowing she is in therapy and taking meds. But the willingness to improve isn't there. She knew I cared for her.
Used eroneous statements like:
before we met
Never been serious about anyone in 12 years (didn't say she was serious about us)
Hurts a lot. Blamed myself. Not until I understood about Borderline and Histrionic disorders.
Worst of it all is I said this:
Your need to feel needed out weighs uour sense of self respect, self esteem. You use sex as a way of empowering yourself. It feels like I'm addressing yournemotional needs while other guys are addressing your physical needs. And that the experience has left me feeling emotionally raped.
Cruelest thing I have ever said. Now knowing about these disorders it makes me feel even worse. I know she is sick. Likely never change. I just don't want someone going through life never knowing love. Other than the love of friends.
"and the one who would disappear for a night."
ReplyDeleteHuh?
WTF Den, why would you not suspect cheating with all he incessant projecting that that you were always cheating on her.
Man do they ever take our balls!
Brother, I was also under the curse of a BPD.
I am forced to do some deep soul searching which is difficult because I think she took my soul when she left with my heart.