Tuesday, May 3, 2011

BPDs and Cheating: Can The BPD Be Faithful?

I was thinking about the relationship that I was in with the BPD, and the more I think back about things, the more that I realize that she probably cheated on my, and I never knew it. I was ignorant, but when I think about it, the borderline got a sexually transmitted disease when we were together.

She accused me of doing something and giving it to her, but I didn't give it to her as I didn't have (and still don't have) that STD.



However, she was so accusatory about me giving her the disease that I never suspected anything until now, five years later.

It took me five frigging years to figure out that she was cheating on me. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine.

Time for the story.


BPDs and Sexually Transmitted Diseases

We had just moved in together, so I was a little in shell shock, a little still wearing rosy colored glasses, and in the midst of a 3 year divorce process, when the BPD contracts genital herpes. She tells me that I gave it to her, but I've never had it. I've had cold sores in my life, but I've never had genital herpes.

I told her that maybe she has cold sores (Herpes simplex 1) on her genitals, but she didn't buy it. It was a downright onslaught of accusations.

Frankly, the BPD had me so tied up in her accusations throughout the relationship that I was never able to clear myself of, until the very end of the relationship.

The BPD accused me of multiple things, and I was regularly taking STD tests to prove my innocence.

Ironically, during one of these exercises, SHE actually tested positive for HIV. Later this was dis-proven, but man, how the world can change so quickly.

After ending the relationship with the BPD, I once again took a STD test, but this time to be sure that she didn't give me anything funky when we were off-again, on-again.

Given the behavior that I saw from this particular BPD, I would venture to say that BPDs have a tendency to contract more STDs than the rest of the population. They're more sexually active and more reckless than the rest of the population. Further, their lack of boundaries underscores the fact that they will have unprotected sex.


Non's and Self Esteem Issues


Which brings me to my major issue when I look back. I was having major self esteem issues. Probably primarily because of the divorce that I was going through. Most likely I was subconsciously feeling like no one wanted to be with me, and this was how it was manifested. I let someone walk all over me.

When I think back about it, I should have come out at this BPD wondering how they contracted Herpes. I didn't have cold sores at the time and have no recollection of getting any in that time frame. She was the one who was fiercely insecure, not me, and the one who would disappear for a night.

In the end, all worked out. It was painful being with the BPD, but time has proven that I healed and exceeded my initial feelings of self worth.

Life is good -- it's taken time to heal, but things are real good. If you're not there, you can feel this way too. Don't let yourself not enjoy life and learn to love yourself.

10 comments:

  1. Hi, just wanted to share my story.

    I became involved with a man I believe has BPD almost 3 months ago. When we first met he said the sweetest things, I felt so connected with him and I was convinced I'd met the man of my dreams.

    That lasted about a week. The two weeks following that I felt uncomfortable around him but I chalked it up to my being intimidated by how attracted I was to him. And yes, I had self-esteem issues--or at least, he made me think I had more of an issue than I actually did.

    As the days went by, I began to see disturbing behaviors. It all started when he began behaving passive-aggressively when he called me and I didn't pick up. Because I felt insecure, I kept feeling a deep-seated fear that he would not want to be with me if I spoke up or if I didn't make myself available to him whenever he called. He would accuse me of putting my friends and family ahead of him. He made a big deal out of my greeting people while I was on the phone with him.

    I began to suspect abuse and controlling tendencies. As I researched, I came across BDP. I didn't have the clarity then as I have now, however, and I eventually dismissed it, attributing most of the issues to his PTSD, which was diagnosed following his time with the military.

    More bad times ensued, there were two incidents where we disagreed and fought and he would berate me or tell me things aimed at my worst insecurities. He also kept saying I used him during those times. I'm not sure for what, since we didn't have sex most of the time we actually hung out in person and I never made him buy me expensive gifts. After these fights or outbursts he apologized and gave PTSD as his excuse, which I accepted. And of course, nothing I did and none of the good times we had was ever enough to make up for the "bad" he perceived was my fault.

    Two weeks ago I broke up with him because I grew tired of feeling like I was being abused by his constant sarcastic remarks he thought was humorous. They WERE funny... until they were directed at me, which they often times were. He told me he did this to everyone because that was his humor and jokingly criticizing was just how PTSD shaped his personality and I should be understanding.

    I got back with him five days after I broke up with him... although I felt wiser and more sure of myself, I started realizing that the teasing itself was never the problem. The real issue was I didn't feel close to him and I still didn't feel happy. I tried numerous times to make plans to see him because at that point, we hadn't seen each other for a month. It was just not enough for me that he only called me or text me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (Sorry, had to split it)

    I began realizing that a healthy relationship meant I should be able to ask for what I want and we should be able to talk about what we both wanted and reach a win-win compromise. After I failed to get him to spend time with me, I made plans last Saturday with a friend.

    He called me while I was out with them and when I told him I had to get off the phone, he accused me of not wanting to talk to him and not making time for him. That night I told him we needed to talk about the relationship but he refused to speak with me on the phone. In his texts he blamed me for everything, accused me of not taking responsibility for anything, and dodged my direct questions. I told him I was tired of trying to convince him that I'm not being needy and that I was tired of being with a man who couldn't show me how he felt about me.

    The night ended with me telling him that I'd give him a day to think about what I said but that this could not continue if he refused to have an adult conversation with me about the situation. I clarified that it was not a break up.

    He hasn't contacted me for two days now. Meanwhile--especially after reading some of what you wrote--I've decided I can't stay in this relationship even if I feel like I've gained tools on how to live with a BP from a book I'd bought awhile ago.

    I don't want to do it in text. I'm not sure what will happen from this point on, but I hope I still have the strength to keep myself from slipping back into the relationship. Because like you said, I miss how I felt when I first met him and the good of the relationship... but I don't miss him and all the bad times and what I know to be in our future if we don't go our separate ways now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. From experience the answer is no they can't. As soon as the relationship breaks down, or starts to break down, because you don't fit the dream person they made you they start looking for a new dream person. Some new rescuer to rescue them, just like you rescued them in the past. This cycle continues throughout their lives. All those that they fall in love with are left damaged just because they love a BDP who couldn't love back because of their broken past. As their lives go on they leave a trial of broken people behind them with broken hearts. They ruin lives and dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I was reading this post again the words "giving her the disease" hit me like a ton of bricks.

    Has anyone else been accused of causing them to have BDP and now that are are free the condition has gone away?

    I know that is not the case but you do start to wonder why they appear on the outside so happy even though you know they are as broken as they always are. You can even see it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just got out of a relationhip which was nearly a year long. Never saw the signs. Well, did see the, chose to think the best of her. She is a professional singer. Her marriage fell apart due to her sleeping around. I knew this. Figured the past is the past. Right? Told me he loved me, was dependant on me, I was her boyfriend. Those words meant something to me.

    Then I find out she's been sleeping with some guy that fixed her window. Regular friday night activites. I asked her about it. She said "you don't or won't let me live my life"

    I made it clearly on I don't sleep around and expect the same from my partner. Also knew I wasn't into an open relationship.

    I could have lived with knowing about her past. Knowing she is in therapy and taking meds. But the willingness to improve isn't there. She knew I cared for her.

    Used eroneous statements like:
    before we met
    Never been serious about anyone in 12 years (didn't say she was serious about us)

    Hurts a lot. Blamed myself. Not until I understood about Borderline and Histrionic disorders.

    Worst of it all is I said this:
    Your need to feel needed out weighs uour sense of self respect, self esteem. You use sex as a way of empowering yourself. It feels like I'm addressing yournemotional needs while other guys are addressing your physical needs. And that the experience has left me feeling emotionally raped.

    Cruelest thing I have ever said. Now knowing about these disorders it makes me feel even worse. I know she is sick. Likely never change. I just don't want someone going through life never knowing love. Other than the love of friends.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Evil brother of the curseDecember 22, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    "and the one who would disappear for a night."

    Huh?

    WTF Den, why would you not suspect cheating with all he incessant projecting that that you were always cheating on her.

    Man do they ever take our balls!

    Brother, I was also under the curse of a BPD.

    I am forced to do some deep soul searching which is difficult because I think she took my soul when she left with my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you're reading this, chances are you are nearly mortally wounded and are wondering, what the heck just happened to me?

    I recently escaped - barely alive - from an 11 month on again/off again torture relationship with a BPD woman. The highs were exhilarating, the lows were devastating. I'm so glad this book exists - it helps me to know that it wasn't me who was insane, and that - because of this dreaded illness - 6% of the population will engage in the behaviors outlined below, and are utterly incapable of a stable, healthy relationship.

    Reading this great mini-book, and other websites, I slowly started to glean what I had just been through. My BPD ex was alluring: attractive, meditator, actor, classically trained musician, works in a caring profession, many talents. Passionate sex. A profoundly deep mutual love that will last through many lifetimes.

    And then...extreme mood swings out of nowhere. Her crying fits in public - for no reason - designed to have every stranger look at me as if I'm some kind of abusive freak. Constant low-level criticism. Nagging guilt, somehow everything was my fault.

    As this book outlines, BPDs are uniquely promiscuous and prone to excoriating infidelity. Constant references to her extremely promiscuous past - I was about lover #60 for this 30-year-old (she bragged more than once about her number of lovers- what woman does that?). These utter lack of boundaries and sexual discretion including being a stripper to put herself through divinity school (I mean, who does that?!), as well as unending details about former (?) sex partners including intimate details such as STDs, orgasm patterns, circumcision, frequency of sex: unwanted and unsavory details such as the lover who repeatedly prompted her cat to defecate on her bed, etc. You will be the unwitting wikipedia of her/his sex life.

    And most unusually, as outlined similarly in this book, repeated, impulsive break ups designed for maximum carnage. 6 break ups in 11 months. Each break up was completely toddler-like and impulsive. The morning of, we were happily in love. By night, the hatchet fell again, by text, email or phone. One break up had something do with folding chairs for a housewarming party.... The day of her final guillotine break-up, I expressed my displeasure at her - again - hanging out with lover #59 (see below). The final time we spoke, she declared I was the love of her life - twice - then boom by out-of-the-blue email informs me "this relationship is over" and warns me not to contact her - by phone, email, text or visit - for at least 6 months. I mean, who does that?

    After each painful nut-check breakup, her texts, emails, and cyberstalking (of my Match profile) would start again within 1 week. But it was only after breakup #6 that I had bought this book and wised up. Even though she had warned me to cease any contact for 6 months, she contacted me regularly for 2 months until I blocked her cell, set up her email for silent delete, and blocked her on Facebook, Match, etc.

    ***Don't fall for the trick - past performance is best indicator of future behavior - he/she will do it over and over and over again until you completely lose your mind.*** What's most disconcerting is that I kept giving her second chances, over and over, I accepted her double standards, rationalizations, frequent hanging out with ex lovers, with or without me. At her birthday party, virtually the only people she invited were people (men and women) she had had sex with, who had probably been through the same soul searing torture I had endured. Who can't get other friends?

    ReplyDelete
  8. And then of course this book covers the *hallmark* of BPD: splitting (black or white thinking). Splitting is exactly what makes a BPD relationship - and the multiple break ups - so unbearable. You are perfect, you are the best lover ever, you are their romantic ideal - all of this - until the moment they decide to recognize you have a flaw... Then you go from white to black, and an endless cycle of mind-screwing break ups will begin until you are exhausted and in a bleeding heap of mangled body parts by the roadside. Meanwhile, they will have moved on in record time, and - even though you had discussed a lifetime together or marriage - they very well might be in bed with someone new the night you broke up.

    In fact, my ex did exactly that - her boyfriend right before me (lover #58) was a no-show at her performance on a Sunday evening, she 'breaks up with him' without even telling him. She then tells me (lover #60) she's ready to date me - but then goes home and has a one-night stand that night with lover #59. After expressing my surprise about lover #59, she dumps him on Monday to sleep with me (for a few days) before lover #58 comes back the following Sunday. After declining her suggestion that I share her with lover #58, she dumps me to hook with him again. Within a week or two, she dumps lover #58 again to be with me. Then later during a lull in our relationship a couple months later, she sleeps with lover #59 again. Were you able to keep that straight? And that's just what I know about. That's how our relationship began, what was I thinking...?

    Worst of all, through their (unknown) mind tricks and manipulations, they will get their hooks in you like you can't believe, and you can even get infected with BPD symptoms and start displaying similar abnormal behavioral. BPDs distrust the world, and you will too because you will question your sanity when you ask how you ignored the many warning signs and dated the person anyway. I am ashamed to share everything I know about her with family and friends, because they will - and already do - shake their head and ask "what was I thinking?" And that's just it - the Svengali mind tricks from the beginning that are so persuasive. And when you bring up a reasonable question like "why do you feel compelled to have sex with everyone, male/female, 20 years older or 10 years younger, including multiple lovers in one week," they will turn it around and convince you they're got it all figured out - and in fact you're messed up.

    Many therapists refuse to work with BPDs, those who do often seek support groups to help endure the extreme mind-messing they will endure. It's that bad. As for dating, get the word out. You cannot fathom how close you will come to losing your mind, a romantic relationship with a BPD is the biggest mind mess and worst hell on earth.

    If you're already close to someone who is BPD - by accident (family) or by choice (deep in a relationship), do the work and learn how to cope with and support them - as long as they are willing to admit their problem and get treatment. BPDs are human too, and as the author eloquently points out, they are fundamentally unhappy people and - without treatment - are simply unable to understand love or to give/receive it. So BPDs deserve compassion and help. Apparently the best - and possibly only - treatment is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), so do your homework and help them into that.

    But if you've just met someone new, and/or refuse to recognize their harmful behavior and/or aren't getting treatment, run away as fast as you can.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I ve jist recently removed myself from a similar situation.....i started dating her two years ago and at first everything seemed good.....i had just recovered from a bad divorce with a sociopath and had built my self esteem or so i thought back to acceptable levels.....the first year seemed ok moving forward and making progress but it was shortly after i asked her to marry me that it all fell apart......she started saying i wasnt meeting her needs and at one point actually cut herself to the point of 62 stiches with a knife.....this particular figh started over me taking a buddy to breakfast and using her car....she cut herself when she became agreesive towards me and i called the law. Long story short she began to use and manipulate me and lie constantly.....she just recently moved out of my house and in with aguy she met on a cheaters site with the initials AM....I m still kinda devastated at this point but reading and learning about this disorder has kinda gave me some coping skills and a better understanding of what was happening....i am looking into counseling for help with the depression and at this point can only go one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am in a relationship with a bpd person its on and off when we met it was just casual sex never really took it seriously, then we started going out we moved to another city since we were both sick and tired of our town and everything whent downhill from there at first he treated me like a queen i thought we had soooo much chemistry then after a couple of months he started treating me like crap he would blame everything on me i couldnt be myself anymore cause i was scared if i would tell him something he would explote and turn things around and make it seem my fault again, one time he got physical and i went to my friends condo for a couple of days, then he apologized, i went back to the apt and as a was cleaning out the trash i found a condom and i broke up with him again didnt hear from him for 2 weeks then he called me saying that it was one of his friends who had gone into the room with a girl and blablabla wtv i didnt believe him and even though a small part of me did want to believe him cause i loved him way too much so yeah stupid me went back with him again he said he was going to change and he would for a couple of days then he would go back to how he was, so again he didnt come home until the next day and i got really upset and he got physical AGAIN so i finally got my brain together and came back home i was doing really good until he called me a month latr crying his heart out that he felt horrible for what he had done to me i refused to take him back and he insisted for 2 weeks i would always hang up on him bloked him on fb everything!, so one day i dicided to hear him out and he said he reallyyy wanted to change for me since he felt horrible and he just wanted me to give him a last opportunity he said that he really wanted to go to counseling but that he didnt really have any money so i took him back AGAIN, we have been together for 2 months and he seems a whole lot different to how he was before he is like a diff persoon but the thing is that now every little thing he does makes me explote and i wasnt like that before, so today i saw that he was friends with some really slutty looking woman on fb i think shes some sourt of a stripper from the pics i saw so i told him off reallly bad and humiliated him with all the things i told him , and for some reason i feel like i over exagerated , i dont know i am just fed up with everything and i do see hes diff but i feel like he can change and be the old him any time, i want to see a future with him but i see him cheating on me in the future umm i dont know what to do, and i even feel stupid for being with a person that treated me like crap, although i do believe in second chances and although i do see hes changed dont get me wrong he makes me reallyy happy all most of the time now but i just dont trust him anymore ..can anyone plz help me by just giving an opinion and just simply tell me what you think if youve been with a person with bpd?? thanks i really appreciaate you reading my story.

    ReplyDelete

Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.