Friday, April 15, 2011

I Sometimes Still Dream About The BPD

It's strange, but you still sometimes dream about the BPD. Real strange.

Last night I dreamed about her. It was strange -- I saw her somewhere. It was so strange that it woke me up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back to sleep for some time.

When I saw her and we interacted, I think that it was the way I think she and I would be with one another -- quite guarded. I remember telling her about Jennie, and her making some comment where she's accusing me of treating her horribly, but now, I don't respond. I think I walked away from her, but awaited feeling the blow from her when she hit me.

Looking back as I write this, I guess it's a little PTSD. It was definitely strange.

The bottom line is that it takes years -- years -- to get away from the BPD person and to get them out of your head. Any relationship can damage you, but BPDs put a real hurting on you.

The nice thing is that you can shed the wounds, in time. The Post Traumatic Stress dissipates, and you're left feeling better than ever.

The BPD is left being an incomplete person that has difficulty assimilating into society and succeeding in relationships.

I'd rather have the temporary issues so I can feel better than ever.

11 comments:

  1. When I do dream it is almost always of my BDP. I just can't get them out of my head. Even during the day when my mind is idle in with pop my BPD. There is no way of getting away. You just have to go through it. I put it down to that crazy perfect love.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Two and half years post BPD, i thought i was doing well but had a relapse and found myself back at the doctors. I kept "seeing" my ex BPD everywhere,in a passing car ,walking along the street,in shops. My doc says i was experiencing flash backs. I am back on mediation,hopefully not for as long as after the initial break up. Dreams too,he is in them and i wake up sweating,unable to fall back asleep... or afraid to. I suspect this was brought on by me trying to start a new relationship. I consequently ended the short relationship(a few months). I found it to be exhausting and i could not feel any closeness. Is this the damage done by my ex BPD? Time will tell....

    ReplyDelete
  3. My wife if 1 year (we were together for 4 total) with BPD decided to end our marriage on New Year's eve. In the beginning, I just couldn't understand it. She said she was never in love with me, and we did have intimacy issues. She said she needed to find herself, and there was no chance we were getting back together. Within weeks she was out of life. Then, keeping it from me, she quickly developed a new relationship with "an old friend" and is apparently passionately in love with him... I am speechless. Sorry, I am not sure what type of comments to leave... I just know I feel lost.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe it is best for you to accept that maybe you grew beyond her abilitites to control or manipulate you to feed her insecurtites. Hard to see now, but that truly is a compliment. I believe the saying we enjoy those that are our emotionally developed equals, you grew she didn't, and as hard as it is to believe, you then were not "loved" anymore. The real problem, that you being a Non, is that your definition of love and hers were never the same. Not to say, she loved you in her own terms, but it was never for how wonderful a person you are, it was for how wonderfully she could get you to serve her disorder. Hold onto the fact that you grew out of her...do not beat yourself up for feeling lost, your heart had chosen a partner to walk down the path of life with, and she jumped off the path, you should feel lost, your normal, allow yourself the time to receive the pain, cry and heal you, waste no more time asking why. Take Care and smile at the wonderful person who stares back at you in the mirror, you are your best ally!

      Delete
  4. To the Anonymous person who feels lost. I just want to let you know that you are not the only one that feels this way and your comment is perfectly describes how I feel. This won't be any comfort but my Ex-BPD did the same thing. You are not alone. Just remember you did nothing wrong. It is not your fault it is their illness.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My breakup is relatively fresh, but I'm still having dreams with my ex in them regularly. Some about her cheating on me, but some about good times, time spent going on a trip with her and her kids, etc.

    During the day I'm filled with bitter thoughts about how she lied and cheated.

    And yet I still have dreams where we're having good times together. It seems that love doesn't just go away no matter how obvious it is that it was best to leave.

    I think I'm kind of mad at myself for missing her, and so I resort to bitterness to try to fight it off. But my dreaming mind knows better, isn't so easily fooled.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Just got left by my bpd. We had been together for 5 years (roughly, bc of all the times she left me & begged me back) and the day before Valentine's day she left me & ran off with a person that I had known in the past & suddenly came over out of the blue. It has been about 1 month & I recently received an email from her & in it she describes how worthless I was & how amazing this new man in her life is& how she is so happy to be pregnant with his baby & how much better he treats her etc etc etc... we also have a daughter together 2 years.. luckily due to some choices she made when she left me one of the previous times, she lost custody so she couldn't run off with my daughter again. Sadly after getting that email I am missing her so badly again. How an email that is so hateful & cruel makes me long for her is beside me.. I wish I understood this illness more. It scares and pains me so much that she is suffering from it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has been months now and I feel lost to and can't seem to stop idealizing all of the great moments I had with my BPD girlfriend. When we met no one had ever made me feel so special and I miss that...the way she looked at me the compliments and passion in her voice, it was intense but intoxicating. Then one day she abruptly left with no explanation. It hurt badly and still does. There were certainly bad moments in our relationship and I don't seem to use those as justification for moving on like I should. I just feel stuck like I am under her voodoo spell.

      Delete
    2. I was in a 3 month relationship with a BPD and it went from instant love to engagement to literally waking up one day and him confessing he realized he was polyamorous and had had a girlfriend on the side the entire time. Only after we broke up and I was approached by his ex (and many others) did I find out he is BPD and engages in this with others. I am still reeling and pushing myself to get out of the internalization process as I cannot wrap my head around how one day he was playing with myself and my son (whom he said he wanted to adopt/be a dad to) to the next minute this. Just...how? I guess part of recovering from a BPD is having to give up on rationalizing anything they did because there is no way around it. He pushed so hard to break my walls down and let him in completely only to hurt me in 3 months moreso than my ex husband was able to do in 3 years.

      Delete
  7. It sure does feel terrible when the BPD ex moves on with someone else but just know - there was nothing you could do. Nothing at all. You were bamboozled. It does hurt but they actually haven't moved on, they will just do the same thing over and over. They may tell you how wonderful things are to hide the horrific pain they are experiencing from another failure but they will behave exactly the same and ruin the new situation too. I'm not telling you to deny your feelings, but just know, some of these things are beyond your control. Find someone that truly cares about you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Reading all these comments helps me feel a click less crazy. For over 3 years I let my BPD back in my life 4 times, each time losing more of my soul and self respect. Each time she not only broke things off with no explanation, but would say and do things that were intended to inflict maximum damage. We had been pregnant and lost the child (not so sure anymore it was ours), had been engaged and then not after she changed her status to single on facebook out off the blue. After the last time she left 6 months ago, I stopped by unannounced to get my laptop back that I had loaned her. She freaked out as I took it saying she had things she still needed to copy off of it. When I got home I found she was still logged into email, Facebook and craigslist and 3 years of lies and Fucking others while with me revealed themselves. I was not surprised but definitely devastated. 4 weeks later a mutual friend called confused because he thought she and I were still together but he saw on Facebook she had gotten engaged to someone else. More emotional damage for me.

    Yet now and everytime she left me I would and have intense dreams of her and me. All different, but a repeating one of us hiking in the snowy woods and my asking her for answers, but as she would start to answer the wind and snow would intensify and she and our unborn baby would disappear in the storm.

    ReplyDelete

Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.