Paranoid

One of the biggest issues with the BPD was the paranoia. She thought that her previous lovers would do things to 'screw with her,' and she thought that I was doing things to screw with her. Examples include:

- I would call her around 3:00 every day to say hello, tell her I loved her and plan out the evening. Sounds fair, especially because we would either have lunch together or talk all lunch time. The BPD thought that this was some way of screwing with her, because she would have to pick her daughter up off the bus at 3:20. She forgot that I was working and earning a living, and that her needs should have been secondary. But somehow I was screwing with her.

- To expand a little more on this issue (this was brought up by her in counseling), I'm not sure how anyone in their right mind could think in such a way. When she and I were communicating in Early March, I sent her a text message at 3:12, and got a response 'you are f'd up.' First, I had forgotten about the rules she had imposed on me when we were in the relationship (it was six months before that), and second, I always thought those rules were RIDICULOUS

- When I took her mountain biking, she thought I did it to torture her in some way. We rode tough trails and she did quite well. That type of pushing, however, she thought was torturous. Early when we rode, she had some hard falls which I was blamed for. I assessed her skill level and felt she could ride the trails, which she could.

- She thought that I broke things in her house just so I would be valuable around the house

- She thought that I broke her sump pump when her basement flooded, despite the fact that I spent hours and hours cleaning up after the basement had flooded, then, spent hours fixing the basement and installing new moulding. This one really bothers me and makes no sense. It's an example of all of the work that I did for her and how it was all minimized and made into nothing.

After that one, I'm frankly tired of talking about her paranoia and the other things. It really hurt that I did so much for that woman and the relationship, and it was all thrown away, minimized, and I was still made to feel bad. The New Rules of the Me Project would never stand for being treated as such, and this is why.

For those with Borderline Personality Disorder that read this blog, I URGE you to think about the Nons in your life and how they sacrifice for you. All that we ever wanted was a little appreciation.

In October, I moved out of living with the BPD. I thought that this would make her finally believe and understand the relationship. One week later, we laid in my new bed, and she said to me, "I feel so bad for being so hard on you." Tears are in my eyes as I write this. I thought that she finally got it, and my heart went right back to her.

Unfortunately, the paranoia continued, and we lasted two more short months. My point is that we nons try so hard to keep the relationship stable, often at our expense.

I know that I never could have had the life that I do with the BPD in my life, but I was willing to sacrifice for her. There were other parts of the relationship that were so good, so pure, so beautiful, that I would have sacrificed it all for her.

She never understood that though. Her paranoia, twisted sense of reality and poor self-image simply would not let her see my beautiful soul and how it poured out to her.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

What Is The Me Project Anyway?

I don't think that I've ever formally described the Me Project, so why not describe it now? :)

The Me Project, like its name implies, is all about me. After being in a relationship of any sort, one needs to work on themselves for a while. One needs to go back to basics, figure out what they want in life, what parts of themselves need development and what parts don't.

This is particularly important for a Non borderline who was just involved with someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. The Non needs to do plenty of work on themselves to understand why they got involved with a BPD, what dysfunction they accepted and why. If they were in a relationship like me who was told "you're bad" every day, one will also need some time to clear those hurtful, negative thoughts out of their heads.

So, back to the Me Project. For too much of my life, I've focused on others, and I've ended up with people that I would consider emotional vampires. These people suck the life out of you as they try to find themselves. Critical indicators of this include:
- Low Self Esteem
- Poor Self Image
- Low Confidence Levels
- Overall Negativity
I've been the one to pull them out of their abyss and into a good state. The problem is that it was often at my expense.

So, the Me Project was born. I began this project in 2006, but suspended it when I got involved with the borderline. Of course, this is too much growth for a borderline to handle.

The objective of the Me Project is to reach my fullest potential and make sure that my kids stay on track as well. That's it.

After I got out of the relationship with the BPD, the Me Project went back into effect. Here have been my short term goals:
- Get back into good shape (underway:))
- Heal myself from the BPD relationship (underway:))
- Understand why I was in the relationship with the BPD and how to correct any holes (done!)
- Take on new projects and hobbies to fill my time (underway)
- Get the kids together (underway/done!)
- Live the theories that embody The Secret
- Get my spirituality/faith together (underway)
- Get more involved in community events (not yet started)
- Finish the book (underway)

I've done quite a bit of work that continues. The fruits of my labors are really beginning to show though. I'm attracting people that I truly want to be in my life and are exemplary. I've stepped up a couple of levels in terms of the people in my life and the people that I am attracting.

Something has happened recently. I still don't understand what has happened, but I'm not going to complain.

I'm making it great in 2008. This is my year for me to start some great things.

My 5 year plan? Be on the water (hopefully the beach) writing. I'll probably be on the snow in the winter writing. We'll see, but I'm going to make this come together.

God I love it. It's starting to fire on all cylinders.

The Me Project is working. I've always focused on others too much, to my demise. I never worked enough on me. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still a giving person, just not as giving as I was in the past where I gave to the point of my demise.

Now I understand. It's happening right in front of my eyes. A little faith goes a long way.

I can't wait to see what a lot of faith does.

Best of You

I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.

Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.

No one. I won't let anyone have that.

I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!

This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.



I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!




*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.

Believe

I can't believe that I never wrote about Believe. Believe was a word that I used to use all the time with the her. She was constantly accusing me of deceiving her, cheating on her, and the like, and I was constantly countering her with "I'd never do that to you, I care about you too much," "I'm only into you," and the like. I spent my life trying to make her feel comfortable in the relationship.

I devoted myself to helping her believe in the relationship.
I wanted her to believe in my love for her.
I wanted her to believe in what we had and how it was so special. I felt that it was special.

I wanted her to change her attitude from being so negative to a positive one. I bought her books like "The Power of Positive Thinking," "The Secret," and the like. I've always been positive and have had such positive thoughts, so I could overcome most of her negativity.

With time, even I was overcome by her negativity.

Looking back at the relationship, I held on because I viewed the relationship as so pure, so innocent and such pure love, while I think by exBPD, in her mind, was viewing everything as so ugly.

She just wasn't telling me and letting me have my reality. This way, she's not alone, and I'm out on Cloud 9. I used to tell her that when we were apart and she would be suffering from separation anxiety (as I termed it), I'd be sitting at work on Cloud 9 from the amazing night before.

I compensated for her twisted, crazy reality of suspicion, mistrust and misery by being gregarious, warm and loving, pulling her out of her abyss on a regular basis and bringing her into my world -- my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world.

I always believed that one day, she would realize what she had and who I was. Of course, she didn't. I moved out after giving her a timeline to get her act together. After I moved out, she couldn't control me, and her mind went off the wall. I thought we would last two weeks when
I moved out, and we lasted two months.

What I've realized is that warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is mine. She put her misery on me, and I've been healing from that, but my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is coming back. She goes back to her misery, and I go back to optimism, beauty and positive energy.

I went above and beyond with her on a regular basis, trying to get her to believe in the relationship and what we had. While we never married (she got too much from the government and that would have been cut off), I created a formal Commitment Declaration. This indicated our love for one another, rules of the relationship and commitment to being exclusive to the relationship, which we both signed, put rings on one another's fingers.

God, I tried like I've never tried before. Tears are in my eyes as I think about the efforts that I went through with her. I believed in what we had, and I believed in her.

Within a week, she had violated rules of the commitment, checking my email account or one of the other rules that I explicitly stated. Within one month, she ripped up the Commitment Declaration and threw it in the garbage. Within six months when she kicked me out of her house the second time, she and her daughters (BPDs use the kids as weapons) ceremoniously disposed of the ring by throwing it out somewhere.

She also threw the Believe plaque out multiple times, and I would retrieve it from the garbage. I actually still have it hanging in my house -- when I last saw her and she stormed out of my house, right before she left, she took the plaque off the wall and threw it in the garbage one last time; I, of course, removed it. Again.

When I bought a new cell phone, I put a picture of a sunrise in the background with the word Believe on it. To this day, I still have the Believe background on my phone, nearly two years after I first put it there. In the end, the Believe has been for me:
- I believe in the beauty of human beings, even after this experience
- I believe in pure love
- I believe in the innocence that human has
- I believe in the power of positive energy
- I believe that this world is a beautiful place and every day should be celebrated

I will keep the Believe Plaque for as long as I live. When times are hard, sometimes we have to remind ourselves to believe and not stop. The worst thing to be is a hardened, callous person. You repel people from you instead of pulling them in.

Everyone needs to believe. If we did, think about how much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

The Emotionally Unavailable

Now that I'm single again and dating, I'm noticing lots of different people on this journey. One of the largest groups that are out there are the emotionally unavailable. This group of women falls into two categories:

1. The ones that know that they're emotionally unavailable. These usually are divorced women that get quite a large stipend from an ex husband in the form of alimony and/or child support. These women will not not not get married or commit to you, as any commitment will jeopardize their stipend and would impact their financial situation.

2. The ones that do not know that they're emotionally unavailable. This is quite a large group of women (men as well, I bet) that are scarred from their childhood, trauma somewhere along their life, etc. BPDs fall into this camp, as would people suffering from PTSD or any other mental disorder. This may also be people that need to do family of origin work to get through some of their issues. This group can be quite dangerous because they do not acknowledge the issues that they have and put those issues on you.

The most dangerous thing about being with someone who does not know that they're emotionally unavailable is that you could be in a relationship with them for quite some time, then are rejected for a nonsensical reason, as is the case often with BPDs. Their reality is different from your reality, and you are suddenly rejected.

With those that know that they're emotionally unavailable, they usually will not let you get close to them. They like life, but get bored and need someone to fill their time. Remember, you cannot forge long-term relationships with this group either. They know it, and so should you.

Both groups are dangerous; in my opinion, awareness is critical in either instance. Keep your eyes and ears open for the emotionally unavailable so you're not hurt long-term.