Thursday, August 7, 2008

Post Script One -- LIfe after BPD

It's been 9 months since the relationship with the BPD ended for good. We haven't had contact for nearly 6 months.

I'm now living life after being with a Borderline.

I never thought I would be where I am now. I'm once again back to myself. Not scanning rooms, making sure that the BPD is not somewhere before entering a restaurant, store, or any other public place. No longer fearing everything.

You can take your life back after being with a borderline, and life can be better than ever.

Relationships are particularly difficult after a relationship with a Borderline. It takes time to replace bad memories with good ones, and it takes time to reprogram yourself so you aren't so fearful of everything that the BPD used to punish you for. The list could be lengthy.

Depending on the relationship, it's like reprogramming yourself after suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When one is ready (and only when they are ready), one has to find a person who is very patient and understands that you can recover.

The good news is that you're not permanently damaged; you're only damaged permanently if you want that plight. If not, do the work and make yourself better.

I have met a wonderful woman who was patient with me. She's so wonderful and so patient. When we first started dating months ago, she saw my fear and the damage that the relationship had done to me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without the fear of accusation setting in. Now, we joke about scratches on my body.

I never thought I could joke about such things. She is a wonderful, understanding woman.

The nice thing is that there is life and healthy relationships after a relationship with a BPD. Life is better than ever. I've learned to appreciate the important things in life, ignore the unimportant, and have gained an understanding of many things that I never before fathomed.

Why Did I Get Into A Relationship With A BPD In The First Place?
I ask myself this question quite frequently. I think that it happened because I was having such shame about the marriage, and the BPD offered me the life that I always wanted. Unfortunately, the life was an illusion and not real. Once we were together, it quickly unfolded, but I was caught in the BPDs lair at this point.

The BPD's negativity caused me to overcompensate by over-committing. I over committed on every aspect, and this was my demise. I was emotionally, physically and financially over committed because of the BPDs disposition. Life was clearly not right, but I just wanted to make it right.

I now understand. I now live in a healthy relationship with no drama. We don't fight. We discuss issues that we have, and we resolve them. I may have needed the relationship with the BPD to reinforce the good in the current relationship.

Life is good, even after a relationship with a BPD. You can get out, and you can thrive. Don't forget it.

6 comments:

  1. I was with a BPD for 2 1/2 years. When I first met her I had just finished an ugly divorce. I met my BPD shortly after and she said such wonderful things to me and made me feel good. She told me she loved me about 3 weeks to a month into our relationship. She moved in with me a few months later. 10 months after we met we got engaged and we married about a year later. There were hints here and there of some strange behavior but she seemed to love me so much i guess I ignored them. She would engage me in arguments over nothing. When I refused to get involved it made her more angry. She had cuts across her chest and she told me that it was an accident. Later i realized it was self mutilation. She spent alot of money. During the time i knew her (2 1/2 years) she moved 3 times. She would always ask me why I love her. She gained weight and would binge eat.

    As soon as we got married she immediately changed into a stranger. She had problems with where we lived, my kids and my job. She would put me down and tell me i was a horrible father and that my kids were messed up. After 6 months I got tired of the complaining and said if you are not happy then move out. She took me at my word and moved out. She called me the day she moved out begging me to take her back. I told her to come back but she did not for 3 weeks. During this time she insisted we go to therapy and that she would live over an hour away. But, maintaining that she still loved me. I was not sure why I had to go to therapy but I did. During these sessions she did nothing but blame me and my kids for silly things. My therapist pulled me aside after one session and said " My dear, you marrried someone with BPD." I tried to be understanding but my wife would not commit to anything. She had OCD but stopped going to therapy ans stopped taking her medication. She would not commit to our marriage and she became tiersome to be with. She would start arguments and would not sit still.

    I could not take it anymore so I asked her to pack her stuff and get out. I did this to protect me and my children. This was the best move I made but it has taken me a while to get over the guilt and the verbal and emotional beatings she gave me. All I know now is that I am free. She took up with someone else immediately after she left me. This is typical behavior. She cannot be alone.

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  2. She took up with someone else immediately after she left me. This is typical behavior. She cannot be alone.

    This statement defined every time we broke up. She always went to a past lover, it was so easy for her just a phone call to a man that she would just leave and ignore whenever she came back to me.

    She once stated that she could not be alone. She once said that it was my fault that she had to go to him after we broke up (literally the next day and I wasn't even out of the shared rental we had). She certainly wasn't staying at home after this last time she broke things off.

    Once she shared with a friend that she was like a trapeze artist, always having to have another person or relationship to fall into before she would let go.

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  3. I started in 2 years ago, with my BPD, it was a dream relationship, at the point we said we would go exlusive, he was covering his full attachment to me, i had a soiree with an admirer, this was the trigger of all vile evil, i could not be sure if it were a week before or a few days in,
    I was made to feel that i had crippled his life, vile, evil projection
    A year later, a shrink friend said i had been in a relation with a BPD, I suffered a year of bitterness, daily, inquesitions, accusations, projections, vile
    I held on as i felt guilty, until at a point, i learned, most of the time, to set boundries, i also against recommendaton discosed to my BPD, that he had BPD, eventually, after rages, my broken fingers, propoerty damage, full on fights, i refused after the second time to be attacked without to strike back
    I found Queer As Folk, USA, seiries 5, episodes 12 & 13, a full dramatization of my BPD's behavoiur, when he recognised, the last scene, the rage, he did acknowlage his BPD
    He is now in therapy, im not in denial of the difficult path, im not Jesus, not a St not a Martar and not qualified, but i am believing my BPD has the ability, with time to get past most of it........... Lets see

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  4. Just another lesson learned
    Wear a scar, a bore repeating
    Take a simple fateful turn
    Opened up to stop the bleeding

    Feeling like you never could
    Been the disconnected frying
    Hit the vein and struck a nerve
    Seein' thru a self that's blinding

    Just another brick ya toss
    Stone the number one deceiver
    Multiply the added cost
    Easy to become a believer

    Nowhere to buy in
    Most of us hidin'
    Others are shinin'

    You know when you find it
    In your darkest hour, you strike gold
    A thought clicks, not the be-all end-all

    Just another lesson learned ... yea

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  5. The way that I feel about the relationship that I had with a BPD can best be expressed by a something that Bob Dylan said during a radio interview about 'Blood on the Tracks': "A lot of people tell me they enjoy that album. It's hard for me to relate to that. I mean, it, you know, people enjoying that type of pain, you know?" I came to realize that she really did enjoy the pain and prefer it to the good times, and once things were going well she would go to any length to change that. I understand that she enjoyed pain and destruction, which is why I don't really miss her; I'm strong enough to understand how awful it was to be around someone like that and to make a conscious choice not to be for even one more second. I just don't relate to the desire, but that's okay. It's not my business anymore...

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  6. I was in a relationship with a borderline guy for 5 months. At the beginning he was nice, very attentive, always around, very charming, so charming that I chose to ignore his manipulative nature, constant lies, he just lied about everything!!! He declared his love only after 2 month, he even wanted to marry me, in the bed he was intense but he was unable to show his feelings trough sex. After some ugly fights I tried to broke up with him, several times, but it seemed just impossible. Last time we met, he raped me. It was like in that absurd crime movies, when the victim begs the killer not to hurt her, but he is just heartless. This is how I felt, just fighting, begging, crying, but what I realized that this man just has no heart, he doesn t feel love, sympathy, respect, sorry, pain, nothing. Now I am having therapy and I am recovering, I am just sorry I chose not to listen to my first impulse when I met this guy, when my first impressions about him it was that he is crazy. So putting together my first and last impressions about him, I guess I finally learned my lesson and in the future I will listen to my impressions no matter what. I hope others in similar situation will do the same. If you have the slightest impression that something is wrong with your partner, just run, don t stay to help, don t stay and expect miracles, they are sick and they will just hurt you.

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