Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Ebbs & Flows

In the past month's time, I've started about 10 different posts. However, I get about 20 words into the post then lose steam. Quickly. I stop feeling like writing about my relationship with the BPD altogether.

I'm a writer. A writer by trade, a writer by passion, a writer by expression. Writing is how I express my happiness, my sorrows, my life. It's how I get it all out on a regular basis.

I was kidding myself when I artificially closed the chapter last May. Healing takes longer than that, and time was not up. With the things going on in my life currently, I feel little if any need to write about the BPD.

Do I still think about her? Sure I do. I think how strange it would be to see her. Would I say anything? What would I say if I did?

I view myself as an upstanding citizen. More than an upstanding citizen, I strive to be a model person. Truly outstanding.

Looking back, I'm truly amazed at how much I tolerated. I'm ole dependable, the guy that you want in their corner when things go awry, the one that will always stick with you; not only that, I'll make things right when they're wrong.

The reason why I digress is that the BPD uncovered all my fears in myself and made them reality. She made them me, and I became my worst nightmare in her mind. Her reality is that I was that person, which is so far from me.

By staying with her, regardless of all the time that I spent with her trying to disspell her fears, I accepted her reality and lived in it. That's what sucks.

I lived in a world where I was bad. I was the bad one.

She worshipped the ground that I walked on from one perspective. Absolutely worshipped it and made me into a God. In the next moment, she despised me and made me into the enemy.

When she and I last saw one another, she drove away, and the last words I heard were "I'll never trust you." That was on the morning of December 9, 2007.

The last communication that we had was me telling her, "I'm still hurting real bad from you." That was on the morning of March 16, 2008. We have never communicated since.

As a truly outstanding person, I would never leave a relationship the way that we left that relationship. Just agape. No closure, and feeling like someone took your heart and ripped it out. I was raw for quite some time after that because the hole was so open. In time, the hole closes and fills itself in. You learn to laugh again, to love again, to give yourself again.

It's an illusion. You fell in love with a false reality when you loved a BPD. An absolute illusion and a total shame.

They say that when you get through a relationship with a BPD, you need to have one year of no contact. No contact at all whatsoever. I'm 5 days away from one year of no contact whatsoever. If you have contact, the cycle starts anew.

Once you've had your year of no contact, you've exposed yourself to the fire, and you come out of the fire brandished and ready for anything. Your self esteem goes through the roof and you feel like you can tackle most anything.

My boss told me that I'll be CEO of a company some time soon yesterday. That's what the outside world is telling me, let alone how I feel about myself, which is just as good. I'm out of the fire.

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