Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Will a BPD Try To Contact You After The Relationship Has Ended?

So, will a BPD try to contact you after the relationship has ended?

It depends on the BPD.

Remember, most BPDs would also suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so they're quite possesive. If they have someone to replace you, you may not hear from them. If they don't, it depends.

Remember, the BPD likes to be the victim -- the vulnerable seductress, some call them. Because they like to be portrayed as such, they can't contact you. Then, how could they say, "you contacted me?"

They want you to beg them to come back to them. The more you go back, the more the abuse escalates. Believe me, I know.

Look at all the stories I've outlined here -- being kicked out, twice. But I went back. She could always say, "but he went back."

In the Borderline's mind, they're the victim, not you. They have to play the victim. If they come back to you, they're not the victim.

Some borderlines are so afraid of being alone that they'll break down and come to you. Many though, are so attractive that they can quickly latch onto someone new quite quickly.

The BPD may also contact you and accuse you of things. This is how my ex BPD contacted me after the relationship ended. She accused me of messing with her computer system and hacking into it. Downright goofy.

If others have urged you not to have contact with her, don't have any contact. They're looking out for your own good.

I know, it hurts. I know that you want to. You're addicted to the person.

It gets better, I promise. It takes over a year -- a full year -- to break the addiction. You can do it though. Do whatever you need to do -- recruit friends, pray, talk to a professional, read, pray some more.

You'll get through it.

13 comments:

  1. Yeah my ex boyfriend is bpd and he has some of the very same tendencies, although a big problem with alcohol, spending, anger, extreme mindgames, violence and of course the endless cheating. He has a sociopathic way about him. I'd love to get in on this string for some clarity.

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  2. i was living with my bpd ex girlfriend and she had alot of mood swings. one thing that would happen often would be her pushing me away and making me sleep in another room then after a few days or so she would want me to be close to her again.she was also very critical to me about what i am not doing and what i should be doing in the relationship. she even told me once that i was the weak one and she was the strong one. after this 'go away i ,come back' game got old and she insulted me for the last time i left her and moved out. five days after i moved i got a restraining order delivered from a deputy where she was claiming i was dangerous and terrorizing her,which was an extreme lie. i had to get a lawyer. i had no idea she would go to such great lengths to retaliate. she turned everything around on me and made me out to be a terrible person while she played the victim. she has a few 'friends' who she uses to play victim to and they help boost her up by agreeing with her lies and supporting her victim stance. the twisted thing about it all is that i loved her but i just didn't know how to please her. nothing i did was ever good enough and i felt like i was walking on eggshells all the time. it was not a healthy relationship ,that's for sure.

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  3. My ex-fiancee is a BPD and "broke up" with me many times, at least according to her. She is a master manipulator and will never admit to lying or being deceptive. It's just not in their nature or ability to accept fault. I caught her with a guy (literally stood five feet from them) and she completely made me look like a crazy ex (I didn't even know we were broken up!). After that incident I cut off all ties with her. Her fling lasted all of one month, then guess who came crying back? She contacted me one night but do you think it was to say, "I'm sorry I made a mistake. I'm sorry for hurting you." Helllll no!!!! Instead, she called me and blamed me for why our relationship failed and gave me 'advice' on what to do with the next woman I meet (all tactics to try and wither her way back). I'm thinking to myself, "Hello, you cheated on me, dumped me, had a month long fling with some guy, and now you're back to criticize me after your fling didn't work out????????" That's BPDers for you. They NEVER admit fault, YOU are always to blame. So to answer the question, yes, BPDers will try to contact you after the relationship ends because you are convenient and they have a history of knowing they can/did manipulate you.

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  4. Anonymous said...
    I moved with my boyfriend to AU 8 months ago. since then he has changed dramatically. My therapist in UK suggested that he may have BPD. I was probably very naive thinking that his implosive behavior, outbursts of anger and constant separation requests will change here, in his country.. Things were going from bad to worse. he struggled to find a job, we had to borrow money, I had to wait for my visa longer then expected. Now everything is my fault. I am verbally abused on daily basis. he calls me all imaginable names, his anger is sudden and uncontrolled. Then he loves me again. he wants me to move out and 'save the relationship'. oh I want to move out. he knows I haven't received my first wage yet.. I have no friends, no family here, have no place I can escape to. I hear the F-word more often then my own name. he spends evenings watching football or playing xbox games. he stopped smoking pot after years of heavy addiction. That I'm sure does not help.. I feel humiliated, belittled, helpless.. he accused me of ruining his life, being a gold digger, cheating etc etc He is blackmailing me that he will cancel my de facto visa if I will not Foff out of the house.. This morning I slapped his arm. To be honest I wanted to slap his face. I've lost my control. Until this morning I was prepared to try again. i believed that he will change, that my partner from months ago will be back. I'm terrified. i booked a motel for tonight. I can't see further that that - tonight. i have to go back and collect all my things. i know the abuse will continue. my life cannot be defined by him or his illness. I need to be able to breath again, rebuild my life, my self esteem. he has never been diagnosed but all the symptoms are there.. I am so lost and feel absolutely humiliated.. I work as an analyst for a big company. I can handle stress but this rage, this sudden, unexpected anger, porn, smoking pot, disrespect is more then anyone can handle. I dislike myself for slapping his arm. I dislike myself for losing my control. he says I crossed the line and he will send me back home to my mum. I feel like I have no control over my life. He took everything including my self respect. This is the third time he is kicking me out of the house. Each time is worse and the abuse only escalates. he is laughing in my face when I cry, he says he is indifferent, he is singing when I try to talk to him. I have a heart problem. he says he doesn't care.. Can anyone tell me please is it possible to handle all this, that continuous degradation and shame with dignity, not involving yourself in this spinning wheel of anger, fights, accusations and blame? I am hardly ever at home. i am trying to avid another confrontation as much as I can but he can shout at me even when I'm washing his shirts.. I would never slap anyone but today I did. i've never thought that I can be pushed that far, that it was even in me. he says I crossed the line. i can predict this evening. I can't predict what else may happen after I move out. I am waiting for my firs salary to get out from this situation as far as I possibly can.

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  5. Don't be too hard on yourself. I thought of myself as a pretty even-tempered person before I met my Ex-girlfriend. Same thing: the relationship escalated into violence. It's not your fault. Finally she went into therapy: it sure didn't help her behavior. She cheated, threatened suicide, said the meanest things about my children. It's no use; nobody can handle this, just get out as quickly as you can !

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  6. Only in reading so many posts from so many people have I been able to come to grips with what has actually happened to me. I met a newly separated man - I attributed the fast relationship, the whirlwind to simple rebounding - but in reading I feel now that it was much more than that. When he broke things off with me, telling me how much he loved me and that we would be together again someday but that he wasn't ready - days after sending me a scathing email accusing me of positions and attitudes I never had (and had emails to prove) - even relating a dream where he saw into the future and knew I would be with him again someday so everything was all right - oh my GOD it has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The "relationship" didn't even last that long, but it was fast and furious and the bad part is that felt unbelievably good when it was good - he was talking about marriage after only 2 weeks or less (and I have wondered why it was so easy to go along with that!) but I could never trust him - he would say inappropriate things that related to how attractive he was, to how people (men women and children alike) "loved" him, would make passes at him, and then said he was entitled to enjoy that attention because he had been deprived of it for so long...oh God it was the weirdest thing I've ever found myself in - but the breakup - was horrible - the dreams, the confusion, the deep shame I felt that I couldn't put a finger on the source of. Those feelings led me back to my therapist who suggested BPD - and that is when my eyes were opened. I have struggled (and clearly still somewhat am, otherwise, why would I comment here?) - but the pain has finally subsided, the shame is gone, and the days when I vacillate between hate and pity for him are less and less - I'm far from perfect but I had worked so hard on myself and distancing myself from my own dysfunctional family - only to find that this knocked me for a loop. I feel deeply for anyone suffering from this because you don't want to tell anyone what has just happened to you - there is this horrible shame that comes with it that keeps you from being able to fully relate it - and friends who mean well say "get over it" but they have NO IDEA what type of spell you were under or how horrible you've been made to feel by this person. It makes you want to go into auto-pilot mode just to get through the withdrawals these people leave you feeling. The dreams are the worst.

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  7. I dated a BPD for 8 months. It was like meeting the perfect woman. She was intelligent, classy, charming and absolutely stunning - I mean like the models you see in magazines. Most importantly she was totally into me - I was the one she always dreamed of, the most beautiful she had ever seen and she was ready to move to live with me in my country, settle down with me, get married and have kids. Sometimes I would wake up and catch her looking at me. I'd ask her why she had been staring at me and she would say that I was the most beautiful person she ever saw.


    Fast forward a few months and she would be enraged if I was ever late, if I promised to do something and didn't do it. She constantly wanted reassurance, support, a warm feeling from me, alot of attention. It was easier to agree with her to keep the peace, constantly make it my mission to make sure she had all she said she wanted which changed alot. Arguments will ensue because she claimed I said A when I really said B. There will be tears sometimes, pushing me away and then pulling me close again. When I was ill it felt like my illness was not as important as what she was going through. I ended it and make the mistake of apologising for everything I did wrong. Well, that gave her all the ammunition in the world to remind of what a horrible person I was. Since splitting up she has communicated with such certainty her love for 3 other lovers after me which all ended within a couple of months. Tried being friends with her and would get emails ranging from complete and utter rage to sweet ones. In the end I asked for no contact. Luckily we live in different countries but age has written to me 6 times and I have not responded. Having been with her has made me find myself again because what I felt, my opinions and beliefs all got swept under the carpet because I didn't want to upset her. Nothing I did was good enough and whatever I said might be taken wrongly to the point where I was wondering whether am just overreacting, just plain mean, unsympathetic, going crazy myself. It has been very hard to break away and you do need support from others but concentrating on what you want for yourself and your life and having compassion for yourself and your BPD ex can help you heal like it has helped me. Best of luck and all my love.

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  8. my exgirlfriend has bpd bipoler histronic she has been in mental institoin been in jail sence we been together weve been together 3 and half years broke up alot fist time she cheated on me and we broke up alot more times lately after i lost my job we broke up more she has 5 kids 4 grand kids 1 more grand kid coming in days she left me lately tocause i couldnt handle her oldst daughter moveing in with us to many boys comeing over and 5 at a time just hanging out my ex is so hot i dont like all these boys over at my house they both left got a place we got back together for a coule of weeks brokeup she wanted to b friends isaid no left a month went by nc a friend died she called me up said she herd i had a new girl i didnt she wanted me to take her to visitation and wanted sex we got back together dateing about 3 weeks lots of boys visiting she moved in with other daughter to help with the new baby comeing the other daughter mad her oldest daughter gets mad she dosent want my ex to leave for a minute i also can get no alone time with her her oldest daugter clingey i think she has bpd to she has sexwith dif man every night but no 1 will put up with her oh she moved in with the next daughter to help with baby and ababy coming any day i was hanging out at her house alot then 1 day iasked if i could come over she said no she would rather i did not nothing was wrong dont worry ill call you latter she never called i called next day she didnt answear i called agin and she answeared i talked to her she said she would call later it haddent been feeling wright she didnt call so i went to were she was staying i broke up with her been in nc every sinse 6 days ago i miss her

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  9. "She accused me of messing with her computer system and hacking into it. Downright goofy."

    Downright goofy indeed! I am recovering from a relationship with a woman I believe that has BPD. Holy smokes - the accusations I have heard.

    Not only hacking her computer, but now her bank account!

    I can tell you there were a ton of goofy accusations:

    1. Putting a tracking device on her vehicle.
    2. Bugging the telephone.
    3. Having "hundreds" of other women on the go.
    4. Sleeping with my sister-in-law.
    5. Having homosexual relations with some of my male acquaintances.
    6. Sending her friends email viruses.
    7. Hacking her friends' computers.
    8. Hacking her Blackberry.

    I do work in the IT field, and took a basic course on Perl programming about ten years ago, but that's about the extent of my abilities other than also knowing HTML. But she seemed to think that because I had some knowledge of IT, that it also must mean had omnipotent knowledge of everything.

    It's been a tough go since we broke up. I'm not even sure when exactly we broke up, because it has happened so many times .. and the last time we "got back together" was on he way to drive out west when she proclaimed her undying love for me and wanted me to move out to Alberta to join her so we would get married. I was considering it.. truly thought and hoped we had a wonderful breakthrough in our relationship. After ten days of talking several times a day, many text messages per day, once again, "out of the blue," - she says, "I have to tell you I am looking for another relationship."

    It's insane.. and as a friend of mine said, there is no sane way of dealing with insanity.

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  10. I suspect my ex boyfriend has BPD and NPD but he has never been diagnosed. It wasn't until I started googling his behaviors that I came across BPD. Reading about it my entire jaw dropped! I almost couldn't believe it. When I met him the chemistry was like nothing I had ever felt before. I was amazingly beautiful on our first date. He kissed me so much my lips stayed chapped. He constantly talked of marrying me after the first week of dating. It was intoxicating. At my age (36 at the time) I had never delt with anything like that and I so wanted it to be true. I overlooked the fits of jealous (seemingly for no reason)and the constant pleas of "please don't leave me" when I never acted or thought about leaving someone who loved me so much. After 6 months of complete bliss he broke up with me in the middle of a romantic date. I was devistated but after a week of silence I asked him to talk to me and he did. That was the beginning of the worse rollercoaster ride of my life. For the next six months it was hot and cold. One minute he wanted me and was all happy then at 3am I would get text messages accusing me of having feelings for another man, being with other men etc. None of witch were true. He acted as if he had never talked about marriage with me, he even accused me of getting upset about him not spending enough time with me. Ironically that was his reason for breaking up with me the first time, because I wasn't spending enough time with him. He claimed things would never be the same again and when I decided to move on he would call me and cry on the phone about how I "toy" with him. I don't think I will ever ignore the red flags of BPD again. He was/is a very handsome and charming man but admitted he hadn't had a long term relationship in many years. He told me about how he tried to run away from home at 5 years old. How does a 5 yr old even know what running away is? I have a 5 year old and he doesn't even know what running away is. After several make up break up it's been about 6 weeks since I've heard from him. I did text him and tell him he was a great guy and that I didn't regret being with him and that I was truely happy when we were together and that he'd do great where ever he ends up. Know what he said to me. Nothing. I'm getting better everyday but it's been a hard road.

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  11. I had dated a BPD man for 6 months. First few weeks were as though I had found my soulmate. Things were a bit weird later on. One minute it was as though I was being loved and another minute it was as though he never cared. We had great sex. For no reason he broke up with me. I did all ways of getting back to him because I truly loved him. More I tried to reach him..more he pushed me away. Last message I got from him was..please leave me alone, you are forcing me get a restraining order against you...I was terrified. I wish he comes back to me some day. I still love him. Now I cut off any communications with him.

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  12. My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar I, PTSD and BPD. He is the most unbalanced - and dangerous - person I've ever known in my life. I think part of this may be chemically inherited from his crazy parents, but most of it is because he was horribly physically abused by both parents since 2 or 3 years old. He held a knife to my throat MANY times, threatened to kill me on a regular basis, busted my lip, gave me a black eye (had to go to work with this WHILE supporting his scummy a--), and accused me of giving my 70 year old boss a b--w job. He broke about $5k worth of my personal property, wrecked my vehicle, constantly berated and belittled me, and threatened to burn my house down if I called anyone. After living through hell and back, I finally got rid of him and sent him packing to his country of origin. But the thing that convinced me he is BPD and truly unbalanced is that he married a woman 4 months after meeting her and we are not even divorced!!! As they say, you can't fix crazy! One thing I don't understand is that on all of these BPD message boards, non-BPD partners/spouses will say, after describing the most insane relationship of their life, "I miss himher" or "I still love him/her." Don't you think that's pretty unbalanced in itself? What part of this is normal?!? My husband was a TERRORIST and the more he berated me, broke precious personal items, called me a C-NT, tried to strangle me, beat my head repeatedly against the wall, the more I HATED him with a passion. I remember saying that I prayed every day to stop loving him (and any mentally healthy person would as a result of that level of abuse). And one day, I woke up and realized that he was repulsive to me and I knew he was crazy with a capital C. That's when I knew I would never, EVER take him back or make that same mistake again. From that point forward, I started working on MYSELF - mentally, spiritually, physically. I can say now that I'm that happiest I've ever been in my life. You have to be mentally healthy to have a reciprocal, balanced, healthy relationship. You can't fix crazy!

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  13. ...now that I have finally realised what I have been dealing with after reading these posts and studying BPD online, I am starting to feel less guilty for breaking off the engagement with my now ex-fiancé in April. I couldn't handle her mood swings and after so many fights I knew that even though I love her dearly still, I would have had to end things.

    Trouble is, I can't get over her. I have asked her back many times and because I tried to reconnect with someone from my past after the break up (I guess I have abandonment issues of my own) my BPD ex now makes that the reason for our break up as opposed to the constant fighting. I have beaten myself up so many times these last few months as the responsibility for breaking up and things not working seems to be entirely mine, despite helping her with insolvency, binge drinking and huge self esteem issues during our relationship.

    I met up with her on 3 occasions in the last two months and whilst I thought we were getting closer, it looks as if her flirting, amorous behavior was all to draw me in again and then spit me back out to punish me.

    I recognise the anger, splitting, history of unstable relationships etc and it all seems to fit, but after spending o much time on this and getting so own about it, I start to wonder now whether these traits are now passed on to me as I can't seem to get the enthusiasm to move on........I feel addicted to the ideal of a relationship that I know will never work unless I danced eon eggshells for the next 30 years, yet somehow I don't want anyone else.

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