Tuesday, March 8, 2011

BPD Relationship Recovery Step 7: Find Spiritual Fulfillment

You've gotten out (or you are planning to get out) of a relationship with someone who is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or you have gotten out of a relationship in general. You're healing, but you still hurt, Man, sometimes, the pain is pretty great.

Your healing process is okay, as you've found others that are feeling your pain, you've mentally committed to healing, and you're starting to do the work. You're also working on yourself, and you're not going out and drinking excessively, or doing other self-medicating activities.

Still, you need something else. There's something missing.

Spiritual Fulfillment Helps Make You Whole

Most healthy humans walk around this earth looking for some type of purpose and reason. Once our basic needs are met, we need to fulfill our more advanced needs -- Abraham Maslow, in his Heirarchy of Needs, refers to it as Self Actualization.

I'm sorry to say that so many of us are so broken, so painfully broken, that we can never get to a point where we can look outside of our tainted self. We are so sad, so hurt, so traumatized that the world is such a painful place and we are protecting ourselves from this pain.

These recovery steps help you start to clear away the pain that you're feeling. By interacting with others, you begin to trust again - you begin to trust others and yourself.

I'm all over the place here, I know, but back to my point. As you uncover more of yourself and shed the pain that you are feeling-- you're going to want more. Humans need to feel this actualization, which often comes in the form of spiritual fulfillment.

Why does this work?

If we're a part of something bigger, then we have meaning. If we worship a God, then we have meaning. We are no longer the center of the universe. Those that suffer from narcissism think that they are the center of the universe, so they are not part of a bigger universe.

Borderlines are usually quite narcissistic because they have to be the center of the universe in their minds. They cannot get away from their pain, their insecurities, their fears, so they have to be the center of the universe.

Those of us that were in relationships with Borderlines ended up putting the borderline in the center of our universe. Often, we had our family or our job or our friends or activities in the center of our universe. Clearly, all these things change, so our lives are not stabile.

Spirituality helps us stabilize ourselves.

I personally believe that my Lord and Savior is Jesus Christ, the son of God. However, I respect all religion, be it Buddhism, Christianity or any other religion, as long as the religion does not require violence and is based on love and spiritual fulfillment.

The Basics of Religion and Sprituality

There are many books that provide basic information on religion, but organized religion provides a solid foundation for healing. Good churches will actually help you get meaning, then will help you shed your pain, grow through your shortcomings and pains so you can see the world and live a more fulfilled life.

Through a good church, you could:
- Attend support group meetings
- Volunteer for helping the homeless and the needy
- Join a community of supportive, positive people

The list continues, but you see where I'm going here. The right church for you, be it a Christian church, a Buddhist Temple, a Mosque or a Synagogue, will give you a good foundation.

Borderlines and Spirituality

Many people who are suffering from BPD will be ultra-religious. It allows the borderline an outlet for much of their obsessive behavior and attitudes, to the point of unhealthy. There are stories (I haven't confirmed) that BPDs will often join cults and other groups like this.

Spiritual fulfillment grounds you, takes yourself (or your family or other distractions) out of the center of our universe, and keeps us well-rounded and grounded.

Recommended Readings:

Philosophy: Back to Basics


  1. I am married to someone with BPD. We have a 2 year old boy. I have just recently found out what this tornado of emotion was about. I don't know how to tell her that I need her to get help. I'm terrified to leave her and her abusive ways because I'm scared she will redirect the abuse onto our son in my absence. I almost feel worse now knowing that she's sick than when I thought it was just me and that I didn't fit into her life. While everything is so much clearer now. I've never been so scared and have never felt so helpless. The abuse has driven me into a deep depression and high anxiety and I really feel that I have no where to go and no one to turn to. I DO NOT feel like a man! I'm constantly scared and shaking and I don't know what I am or what I'm going to do. How do I protect my son and myself when no one else who knows her, really knows her?

  2. I've been finding spiritual development helpful too. :) It's really a good idea, and it fits the notion of focusing on your own development to heal. Perhaps while with your BPD spouse you didn't feel free to delve into your spirituality... Being single makes it a lot easier to think about that stuff, at least I think so.

    Might I add, if you're not the church-going type, or into religion, there are other ways to be spiritual. My favourite is to seek the wisdom in various spiritual teachings (one at a time, so as not to overload). I'm just sorta agnostic like that... You'll find things that identify with you, and you'll sorta form your own, internal, personal religion, which will evolve as you grow.

    And what's neat in this approach, is that I've found that most religions seem to share the common view that life doesn't end at death. Whatever the theory as to what happens next, it's pretty central and agreed upon that we've got a soul. Isn't that amazing?

    I mean, I was an atheist most of my life, but I believe now that under the right conditions, I can leave my body (even while alive) and so I've come to be more spiritual than I would have imagined.

    So now I feel that, as life isn't the end of my long and interesting journey as a soul, then this last relationship isn't the end of a long and interesting life.

  3. On spiritual healing...i couldn't agree more. I am now over three years post BPD relationship and it has helped me through immensely. My dad past over in August,just five days away from what would have been his eightieth birthday. I miss him so much but again i now know he is with me always. On the subject of my ex-BPD,he and my dad got on really great. My dad was aware though of the problems he had and ultimately the abuse i was living with and spoke to him,asking him to leave me alone and never contact me again. The BPD however continued to harass me. A month after my dad's death the BPD txt him!!! My nephew had my dad's mobile phone. I was so angry. I knew the BPD would have known of my dad's passing but was looking for a way IN. My family were shocked at me and believed he would not have done such a thing if he had known. Well we all know better,don't we. They will stop at nothing and stoop to the lowest to achieve their gain.
    He is apparently married now. His second relationship after me. I am told he only met her and they were married within a few months. He is so charming at the start but as we all know also,that is very short lived.


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