Tuesday, December 21, 2010

3 Years

So, it's now past 3 years since I last spoke with my ex BPD girlfriend. Three long years. I read back to my first post, Heal, and how I felt back then. I think about my life now, where I am, and how far I've come. It's been a long road, there were tough times along the way, but life is good. Life is real good.

It's been a while since I've blogged -- life has gotten quite hectic. Work has been quite busy, and I've had a lot going on in my personal life. I also had some issues with Blogger -- namely, your comments haven't been coming through (I always make approving your comments a top priority as I want to enable your conversations to continue without me -- I don't need to be involved). Also, I was not able to log in for a couple of weeks/months -- but I was still able to approve comments from my email account, so I continued posting your comments -- for the most part.

Personal Life Update

So, life has changed quite a bit recently. My love of music has continued to blossom and grow as my career thrives in a Consumer Electronics company. In addition, I'm playing guitar regularly with a group of folks that live near me. We played our first gig this past week and made a few hundred dollars -- not bad for a day's work when you're doing what you love to do.

My relationship with Jennie continues to flourish and grow; we haven't made plans for a wedding, but any day now, we'll tie the knot.

My kids are good -- my oldest is now 16 and he acts like a full blown 16-year-old, someone who can't stand the sight of his Dad on some moments and wants to fight everything I'm about one minute, then my best friend the next minute. I cherish those best friend moments. My middle is his normal, consistent self, and my youngest is still Daddy's little girl. She plays the part -- and works her Dad -- real well, now that she's 11 and nearly 12.

BPD Relationship Recovery Takes a Long Time

I never thought that recovering from a crappy two year relationship would take so long, but clearly, the relationship was dysfunctional and it struck me hard. It made me question the way I thought, how I thought, and who I was.

It questioned my very foundation. In the end, I learned that I was a solid person, but it took me some time to recover fully.

I recently received an email which summed it all up:

Dating someone with BPD gives you a false sense of love which blinds all logic. The end of the relationship for me was so shocking that it left me deeply hurt like a recovering alcoholic going cold turkey.

What's Next?

Keep the comments coming -- I'll do my best to publish them as quickly as possible. Look for the remaining 10 steps in the BPD Recovery process, look for more stories from each of you, and more details on the healing process.

The more I walk on this earth, the more I realize how most people carry scars that immobilize them. They can't live full lives because of something that has happened to them.

We all have scars. We need to be able to look at the scars, remember the trauma, but move forward.

Regarding My BPD Relationship

I don't think about my BPD very often anymore. There are times that she haunts me in strange ways -- her sister was in a dream that I had over the weekend -- but no longer does her memory haunt me. I think that I've adopted pretty normal ways of living again and I'm in a high trust relationship -- the type of relationship that I demand so I can live a fulfilled life.

One reader wrote in about their relationship after it had terminated:

I notice that I no longer am the same person I once was.

If you heal correctly, you can become a better person than you ever were. You can grow to become the person that you've always dreamed of being. That person with solid self esteem and a sound foundation.

It's within your reach. Now go get it.


  1. I have been no contact for a week. We separated in October but had been in almost daily contact. I only figured out she had BPD after studying dysfunctional relationships and finding this and the bpdfamily site. The How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves article on their site hit me like a ton of bricks. I've made the decision to shut her out of my life and get on with it. Joined a crossfit gym in November and have been literally working out my frustrations...lol. I am feeling better physically now...I'm trying to reclaim my dreams and my goals for myself. I was never codependent before. I started to become codependent I think because I started shutting off my feelings and just going with the flow. It helps maintain the peace a bit but does severe damage to your ego and sense of self. I really started thinking I was the crazy one from thime to time.

    This is the basics of every argurment...

    The I need you to listen to me but I if you disagree with anything I say I'm going to either
    A. Go into a rage or
    B. Will not let me talk....yelling over the top of me....you are not listening and why don't you try and understand me? Even though all you are trying to do is explain what you yourself was thinking or why you did something the bpd got upset with... Or
    C. If you get mad and insist on having your say....She says why are you angry? I should feel free to express my feelings for you in our relationship!

  2. I can see most us are angry - after all, what did we do to deserve this? All we did was care. All we did was try to soothe their pain, prevent moments of escalating behavior, and deny our own existence in deference to them. But it was our choice. No-one put a gun to our head. The love we gave them was true - the unconstrained love that anyone would wish to receive. We are all amazing people if we can truly love like that. Selflessly. Without bounds. It is what we see in movies, read in poetry, and listen to in songs. Ours was an incredible journey without the happy ending. I am so grateful to my BPD partner for forcing ME to look in the mirror and face my anxieties and insecurities. It made me stronger throughout the relationship. The irony is that it was my BPD partner that made me go to therapy in the first place, because of course all the problems in the relationship originated with me. And through 3 years of therapy, I slowly started to see that it was not me that was the problem. I began to keep a journal of everything that happened, every word that was spoken and I began to challenge her misrepresentations. She realised I was onto her so she would act even more desperately to prove it really was me that was the problem, breaking into my personal email accounts and finding non-existant lovers to claim I was having an affair with. At this point I realised there was no hope. There would be no future. I was not going to back down and she was only going to behave ever more erratically and desperately. Hence I began the process of disentanglement. A carefully laid out plan to move away, sucking up all manner of indispicable acts, knowing the prize awaits beyond my life and existence with her. I hope I can give this love to another person who truly deserves it. For now though my scars run as deep as those who have written before me. My only comfort is knowing that I am sane, and that I am not alone. I am sorry for all of you who have suffered, in some cases it would appear worse than myself. But life will be better. We deserve it.

  3. hey,

    seems like you know a lot about BPD now, why not suggest some ways of curing it?

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. It is reassuring to know that you have moved on from your BPD relationship experience, but also scary that it took so long. My BPD boyfriend of 5 years (he is 29, I am 28) made me take him back to his mom's house yesterday and I am devastated. Although he spit in my eyes and hit me in a fight leading up to this, I would do anything to keep him here. Among many other factors, such as him not wanting me to have my job, be in school, or live in the apartment I have committed to, it came down to him forcing me to choose between him or keeping a dog I recently adopted. There is so much more history beyond this one incident but I don't have anyone else around now and it is scary. I am trying to find consolation by reading your blog. Thanks.

  6. Looks like you have a good data set for BPD here. Everyone deserves to be happy, to give/receive/share a healthy love, so I hope people will not stop loving but i also hope people will find someone who completes/not depletes them. Well good luck all!

  7. Still waiting for the 10 remaining steps in the BPD Recovery process.................
    It's been over two years post BPD for me and a few months ago i started to see someone. This was the first since the split with the BPD. I struggled to have a "normal" relationship with this guy. I found myself bored of the "normality". I finished it last week as i felt i was just going through the motions. When i was with the BPD i felt a rush.....it was like a drug. In the end of course i had to sever all contact with the BPD....cold turkey. He has been with his new victim for nearly 2 years and i am on my own. They continue to devastate our life's even after they are no longer in it....

  8. I remember false love knocking all logic out of my head! So true.

    By the way, I'm happy you found your high trust relationship. :) When I broke up with my ex, I promised myself I'd know better next time, find someone who values honesty and trust the same way I do.

    So your story helps give me hope!

    For now I'm happy being single though. :D Working on my OWN life. Maybe after I've got some of the big goals down, I'll feel better about looking for my dream girl. Until I am my own dream self, I don't wanna go lookin. :P Saving that for when I'm the best I can be.

    Still! I'm happy for you! :)

  9. I met my partner on an Internet Dating site. She was going to the church and was very religious and never swore. She came across as shy and lacking in confidence almost childlike. She told me about her childhood and said that her and her brother had been put into a home at an early age and had been in there for around six years, she said that she thought things may have happened to her in there but she had blocked them out. She told me that she had split up from her ex husband because he didn’t understand her, wasn’t loving and he couldn’t relay his feelings to her. She also said that she couldn’t be herself around him and they hardly ever went out together. As a result she started drinking and used to drink on her own in bed every night. She said she couldn’t continue so finally left him. She told me she didn’t think she was very confident and lacked self esteem. After I heard all this I was determined to give her the loving she never had and do all the things she had never done with her ex husband. From day one I was very loving towards her and affectionate and spent hours talking over her childhood and took her on holidays etc.Everything was going well and I fell in love with her. After about 2 months I was with her one night and out of the blue she swore at me and called me false. I was quite shocked as I had never heard her swear before. After this the outbursts started. She would kick off over the slightest thing and scream and cry in a hysterical rage saying she hated me and that I was no good for her and she didn’t want to be with me. She was very volatile if she drank wine; I had to cuddle her for ages till she calmed down and went asleep. She would then be ok for a few days maybe a week then it would happen again over the tiniest thing. She had this thing about me looking at other women and would watch my like a hawk. I would totally avoid looking at women when out with her and at restaurants etc as if my head even turned in the direction of another woman she would kick off. She even accused me of fancying my auntie as we sat around my dying father in a hospice.Everytime I took her on holiday she would kick off again accusing saying she hated me and didn’t want to be with me. I would be at her house and after she had kicked off yet again screaming and crying she would scream at me to leave. After I left the abusive text messages would start and phone calls sometimes threatening. She would not calm down and would be hugely defensive no matter how bad her behaviour was she would always find away to blame me. I would spend up to a week at home and the abusive messages and phone calls wouldn’t stop. The only way it was resolved was if I went back there and took the abuse then admitted I was partly at fault and threw my arms around her. She kicked off again a month ago and as a result I stayed at my house and received the usual messages and phone calls. I felt I couldn’t go back and realised that things would never ever work. She never calmed down once in the 4 weeks and at the end of it she told me she had gone back to her ex husband where she was truly loved. I couldn’t believe it that she just went straight back to him and never calmed down to a point that we could at least try to sort things out She told me in no uncertain terms that we were never getting back together and then proceeded to tell me how better in bed her ex was than me. I wanted nothing more than to help the woman I loved get the correct help but realise now I was living in a dream world. I feel like I put allot of myself into being with her and listening to her and at the end of it got nothing but heatache.I am starting to rebuild me life and move on. Looking back now I wish I had never met her. She was always very defensive and came across as unloving. I never felt loved or appreciated by her no matter how much love I showed her .I wish I would have valued myself more and left this abusive relationship sooner


Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.