Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Dead Heads: Experiencing a New High

Those of us that have been in a relationship with a BPD know the highs that we feel. We know how it feels to experience a bliss that many never feel. Maybe others feel this high from drugs and alcohol. Clearly, there's a high there that many don't understand.

There are other ways to get this high, though, and I had forgotten about it. Then I found it again.

Dead Head Highs -- Everybody's Dancing

Those that have experienced a Grateful Dead concert and have felt the raw energy know the feeling. There's little in the world like it. A good church sermon, or a good church congregation, will get you feeling like a Dead show.

It's the feeling of community, the feeling of transcendence, the magical feeling that only some ever feel. That's how most Grateful Dead shows make you feel.

I experienced my first show in 1987 and quickly *got it*. It wasn't about the drugs that others were doing, it was about the music, the community, the transcendence to another plane that you would go when you were at the show.

Once I felt that high, I craved it, almost like a drug. I sought the transcending feelings, and those highs where your state of conscience goes to another level. It's tough to explain unless you've gone there, either at a show, in church or on your own when deep in meditation.

The Borderline Relationship: Craving New Levels Gone Wrong

A borderline relationship is whatever we want it to be. We tell the borderline what we as Nons want, and they give it back to us. The borderline has such as low sense of self that they will quickly chameleon into what you want them to be.

Given that I was looking so desperately for a partner that could go to those new levels, when I found the borderline, they told me that they, too, wanted to go there.

I thought that I was in Heaven. I had found the partner that would go *there* with me.

She never knew where I wanted to go. I had such a strong sense that there was something else out there, but wanted it so badly, that hearing the borderline wanted to go to a new level made me feel like I was going to get it.

I did get it, but not with her.

Transcendence Requires Trust and Other Foundational Building Blocks

What I learned is that to go to new levels with a partner, you need to trust. The relationship has to be built on a solid foundation where both parties care for one another and will trust and respect one another.

The borderline, of course, does not trust or respect themselves, so they cannot trust others. Without these important building blocks, you can get to higher levels, but these levels cannot be sustained. The relationship will be severely dysfunctional and will eventually crumble based on the lack of critical building blocks that all relationships must have.

Further -- The New (or the Old) Grateful Dead

It's unfortunate that Jerry Garcia passed away and The Grateful Dead had to retire. Since the band retired in 1995, it has had a number of iterations, including The Dead with many filling Jerry Garcia's spot.

The most interesting and most professional iteration of this transformation is Furthur, a band comprised of Grateful Dead bandmates Bob Weir and Phil Lesh. The other members are world-class musicians and have made the music theirs. I've been fortunate to see a number of shows on the last tour, and am planning on seeing nearly every show on their upcoming tour.

This band and the venues they play is what the Grateful Dead were like in their early days when they played smaller, more intimate venues. The band is still filling arenas that are over 10,000 in size, but it's probably like the 70's and early 80's for the band. More of a family feel.

So, the music continues to play by this band, so silly Deadheads (we now call ourselves Furthur Faces) like myself can go and let the music keep playing. The beauty is that Jennie, my soon-to-be bride, also loves the music, so we can experience this together.

Jennie and I have been able to go to new levels of awareness and relationship-wise because the relationship is built on trust and respect. Look for more on this in future posts as I have had many readers ask me how you shed the baggage from the relationship. I'll share that so you can see what I went through.

The key to living is to experience all that you can. This is a journey we take, and we want to experience great things in our lives. Money isn't great, but our experiences are great. Be sure to have great experiences in whatever you do and wherever you go.


  1. Hey now! Weir everywhere!! I've experienced much healing from my exbfBPD by returning to my 'roots' of seeing awesome live glad you & Jennie can experience *it* together. Who knows, we may have danced next to each other somewhere in the Phil Zone....smiles!!!

  2. I am also a deadhead who recently ended a bad relationship with a BPD. It was really a miracle i found your blog in my time of pain and suffering. I feel that nothing happens by chance and that this was meant to be. I can totally 100% relate to this article.

    Thank you for posting this blog.

  3. It was all just a lie. How could that be the truth? How did I not see it? All that time. All those poems and laughter and romance and passion meant nothing. All that sincerity and effort and loyalty was fake. Its sickening to think that my best friend forever was never my friend at all. She was playing me the whole time. Using me for attention and affection. I must be getting better because I am starting to get really angry. I made such a fool of myself over nothing. The sex was good but I was in love with the friendship. You know how many smoking hot girls I passed up for you. Younger, hotter, smarter, healthier and much more successful. All because I didnt want to hurt you and believed in you. You cheated on me with losers too. I've seen a few of the guys youve been with. I would have done anything for you.

  4. Great blog! I am in the process of ending my long marriage to a borderline. After I moved out, I started a relationship with another. I guess it just felt comfortable. Therapy, self-education and blogs like this are helping me heal, recover and see my potential to live a great life. Thanks.


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