Monday, June 14, 2010

Relationship Recovery Step 5: Build Your Support Group, And Flex It

When you're going through truly difficult times, it's difficult to find a way out.

You just can't do it alone. If you try to do it alone and handle all this heartache alone, you will be literally broken apart. I know from experience.

Bottom line -- you need a support group to recover from most every relationship. Dysfunctional relationships, like those with borderlines, require even more of a support group.

What Is a Support Group?
A support group is just like the name sounds, a group of people who are there to support you as you go through a difficult transition, or just life in general. This group can be comprised of friends, family, co-workers (as long as your working situation allows for this), or a group of people with common interests. For example, those that attend Alcoholics Anonymous are surrounded by other attendees who could all be considered part of their support group.

To have a solid support group, one must be able to trust their support group and believe that the support group truly has their best interest at hand.

For the Non in a relationship with a Borderline, they need a solid support group. Their recovery is critical and the Non needs this. Part of the Non's support group mix should also be a counselor for a number of reasons. First, there is quite a lot of shame around being in a relationship with a borderline. You have accepted so much in the relationship that you have buried, and these things (like being treated so poorly) have to be dealt with in a safe environment.

There were many things that happened with the borderline that I didn't want to initially tell my friends. They would ask me questions like, "why would you let her do that to you?"

There were a lot of things that they would ask me those questions. I wasn't ready. A counselor could help me get through all these issues and questions.


Many Nons that are in a relationship with a borderline find that they have codependent tendencies if they are not all-out codependent. This must also be examined and worked through.

Many Nons also find that joining a support group such as Alanon also helps them get through their codependent issues and makes them responsible for themselves.

We Need People To Talk To

We are human beings that have emotions. Working with a support group that helps you get back to a normal sense of right and wrong is very important when recovering from any relationship, particularly a BPD relationship. This is one part of the puzzle though. Ultimately, you need to decide what's right and wrong for you, which takes more time.

This is an important step. As you go through this process of recovering from a bad relationship, you need to learn from others what is right, what's wrong, and the healthy way to deal with issues that arose in the relationship and in your current life.

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