Have No Fear

Everyone lives in fear of things. We fear falling off of a tall building, getting hurt, getting burned by a fire. In many instances, fear is beneficial. Without fear, we would hurt ourselves physically, often beyond repair.

However, much of fear is not beneficial and is in fact paralyzing. We live in fear that we are going to lose our job. We live in fear that we will be financially ruined. We live in fear that the special person in our life is going to leave us.

For many of us, we recognize the fear then move forward. Others live cautiously, too cautiously, as a result of the fear.

Others are paralyzed by fears, be them real or imagined.

Others, particularly those with personality disorders, will actually make things up because their fears rule them so much that they become reality. The term Fears Become Facts indicates this type of fear.

Besides obvious fears of personal safety and basic fears of things like fire, I'm working on living without fear. Fear paralyzes and restricts us more than it does any good, so why let it rule us?

I am in control of my life. I will not let fear rule me and paralyze me. Life is too short to be paralyzed by fear of anything.

Take chances. If you're not happy with something, change it. Ask for forgiveness instead of asking for permission. Life is too short. Do it. Do It Now, and have no fear.

We live in a world of abundance. The only one that makes the world not abundant is us. Because we live in this world of abundance, we should not have fear of failure. This is, by far, our biggest fear. Material possessions are just material possessions, and we do not take the materials with us when we die. Our gravestone will not say that we had lots of stuff.

We cannot live in fear of anything. We simply cannot. If we do, we are not living up to our potential.

For me, it's time for me to do quite a few things. I'm about to launch a number of initiatives that will begin to provide my foundation for living the life I dreamed of. I'm not worried about material, but I am planning on having many more experiences and seeing the world. Seeing every part of America. Returning to Thailand to see the beautiful people of that country that renewed my love of mankind. Visiting Vietnam, India, more of Europe. Seeing the Tour de France next summer in person on the side of the road either in the Alps or Pyranies (sp?).

It's a small world, and I'm a writer with plenty of ambition, dreams and aspirations. My priorities have shifted in the past six months, and they'll continue this shift.

What a wonderful thing that is.

Have no fear of anything. See the world. Experience as much as you can, then experience more. Throw your television out the window and start living life instead of living life through others.

I'm so blessed to have the opportunities that I have. I'll continue to make them, will continue to give back, thank God for giving me everything that I have, try to manage my fear so I have none, and continue to reap the benefits of the abundant world. I invite all of you to join me -- it's a wonderful world without fear.

What Every BPD Could Say to Keep Their Partner

Most BPDs don't know this, but most Non's would stay with their BPD forever if they would do some simple things and say some simple things to their partner.

Unfortunately, the BPD truly believes their thoughts. Their thoughts mimic that of a child's, and they can't think clearly enough to even understand what they are doing to their partner. They make the world such where they are the victim of everyone else in the world and responsible for nothing.

What words should every BPD say?

I'm so sorry.

Denise -- A Great Example of BPD Jealousy

I forgot to talk about Denise -- my exBPD's cousin's girlfriend. The BPD thought that I had something for this girl, despite the fact that she was 15 years younger than me and not as attractive as the BPD.

It all started at one of her family reunions. Her cousin and girlfriend (Denise) were staying at the BPD's place. After we spent time with the entire family, they came back and hung out with our clan, always a good time. Except the BPD thought that I had something for her, so in the middle of the night, she starts her accusations:

"You keep asking, 'where's Denise? What's she doing?' WHY DO YOU CARE?"

Ummmm, I'm just trying to be hospitable.

That's not the classic one, though. The following morning, Denise wants to shower. I point her in the direction of the Master Bathroom, give her a towel, and she's taking a shower. Door's closed and she's showering in complete privacy.

After giving Denise the towel, I go into the Master Bedroom Closet to get something. The BPD is on me right away.

"You're stalking Denise. You're waiting for her to get out so you can have a look at her."

Uhhhhh, no, I'm just getting something.

That one was the classic one. She was convinced that i was stalking this girl that was pretty but not as pretty as the BPD, way too young for me, and...well, I think you get the point. She didn't care, though. Somehow I was capable of such a thing.

The following year, the same thing occurred -- her Denise jealousy flared up.

"We're hanging out with Denise all the time...you're making eyes at Denise and hitting on her...you're checking out Denise because she's in a bathing suite..."

Uh, no, no no. Denise and her boyfriend, Frankie, had similar interests and we got along with them. It was a good relationship.

"Take me home now," I told her, "unless you apologize. I'm not taking such treatment. I would never do that to you, and if you think that, then I want you to take me home now."

She apologized.

Denise was brought up in group counseling sessions -- that's how much the BPD really thought that I would hit on a girl that was 22 years old, 15 years younger than me, and the girlfriend of her cousin. BPDs can't fathom that others have boundaries and respect them, because they don't have such boundaries.

That's why it's difficult to trust a BPD. You never know what they're going to do.

Scary. Downright scary that someone can think like that. They can, though.

Tolerance

Our life is defined by how we tolerate things.

I don't think I could say it any simpler. What we tolerate in life determines how we live, how easy or hard a life we have, and ultimately how much we enjoy our lives.

If we tolerate too many things that are bad for us, our self esteem and self worth suffers, and our overall emotional health suffers.

If we tolerate too little, we do not have the opportunity to enjoy the pleasures that life offers. We live a shallow life as we can never see events through to our conclusion, we have few if any longlasting relationships and we live a judgemental life. Those that tolerate little live life that is isolated, sheltered and downright lonely.

Tolerance is key in life, but not at your own personal expense. Think about life and if the trials that you are being put through have any benefit. Weigh the benefit against the expense, then decide whether it is worth tolerating.

Do NOT lose your self-worth or self dignity in the name of a relationship, a team, a group, or anything else. Tolerate the tolerable; do not tolerate the intolerable.

Do not accept the unacceptable.

Living in groups requires us to tolerate. It requires us to tolerate others' views, others' cultures, others' looks, others' personalities, and the like. This is what makes the human race such a wondeful race -- we can work together to accomplish goals, and our level of cooperation, combined with our level of intelligence, makes us one of, if not the most superior being on this planet.

The key is tolerance. If we can tolerate the good, accept the good, understand the good, and not tolerate the bad, we can live a well-rounded, fulfilled life. 

This is most challenging in life and requires plenty of practice. Many, if not most, are not good at tolerating what is normal, and not tolerating what is not normal. They fall short somewhere or another -- either they tolerate too little or too much. Striking the balance requires a lifetime of learning.

Borderlines in particular are not very tolerant. Their issues are so acute, and their perception of the world is so myopic that they cannot build a well-rounded view that tolerates the tolerable. They have to overstep areas and not tolerate the acceptable, or in fact, not tolerate what could be delightful to them.

Storytime

So, I've got this blog that's become *pretty* popular and well-read by the world, particularly those that are recovering from relationships with Borderlines -- I feel for you, believe me. It's a tough road that you're currently going down, but it gets better. If you do the work, you'll end up an amazing person. Make sure that you do the work, though.

So I still feel this need to entertain you, this need to keep giving you information that you need, so I'll tell you stories. Stories about the relationship that we had. I'll discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So, why not start at the first date?

I met the BPD on an Internet dating site which will remain nameless for the time being. I believe that Internet dating sites can be fine, but you need to fully screen people that you meet. She and I exchanged emails but that was it.

The first date was a great date. We discussed our past, what we were looking for, and how we got to dating in our late 30s. The date was memorable -- from what we discussed to how it ended:

- We drank too much. We started by having a drink at one bar, then having sushi for dinner and drinking more, then smoking and drinking at another bar, then going to yet another bar and drinking there also.

- At the end of the night, she was visibly drunk and was going to head home. I urged her not to drive, as I was feeling buzzed and weighed 70 pounds more than her. My urgings finally convinced her not to drive, so we had coffee at a diner.

- She asked me questions, and told me things, that were clearly inappropriate and violated basic boundaries, typical of a borderline. They do not have boundaries, so they do not know how to respect them. Examples of these questions:

- Have you ever had a threesome? I have.

There were plenty more questions as well. They were questions that made you feel like the person was very interested in you, not without boundaries. I should have known, but did not have the experience to understand this.

The night also ended without boundary. We made out in my car, then she whispered in my ear "tell me what you like." A guy loves hearing these kinds of things -- they make you feel like someone's real into you. But you also think that she does this with anyone.

I responded, "I'm not ready to tell you that." I liked her and wanted the relationship to blossom. Didn't want to take advantage either.

So, boundaries were crossed on the first date. It was a fun night, but there was early evidence that she was going to continually cross boundaries. 

The second date really started to show how badly the boundaries would be crossed. The third date was even worse. Stay tuned.

The Grand Finale

Today was the day -- or maybe it was next week -- but for history's sake, I'm going to mark today as the day that we last spoke, for the final time.

I was at work, and she was in her normal rage. She had told me goodbye, and me, in my not normal self, immediately put myself on a dating site. The BPD had done this one of the many times that we broke up, and she had done it once again this time. She put herself on a dating site.

I put myself on one too. She freaked out. Absolutely freaked.

Now, just to recap, the BPD had put herself on a dating site when she broke up with me. However, when I put my profile on that same dating site, the BPD freaks out.

I start getting text messages that say, "As you read this message with your sadistic shit eating grin, I hope you die in hell with Satan."

I can't believe that I remember that, but I remembered it. In fact, I saved that message on my phone for months. When I would feel real weak and want to reach out to the BPD, I'd look at that message and remember that was her thought towards me.

Then after that, the drama got worse. Her messages went to "ohhhh, I'll miss you....goodbye my lover..." It was so strange, from one extreme of hatred to total disarray.

The saddest thing? I fell for it and played along, fully engulfed in the BPDs drama. She was so upset that I was on a dating site yet had herself on the site before I was there. 

The following day, we spoke on the phone, and she was raging at me. Telling me how bad of a person I was, again, and telling me how all of this was my fault. 

She then told me that she would be going to a bar by my house and not to go there. I told her that I was closer and I was going there. Her response?

"I'll start dating the bartender and get you kicked out."

Huh?

This was the grand finale. Someone that I thought that I was going to marry, someone that I looked at buying the dream house with, someone that I fully let go, tells me that she's going to start dating a bartender to get me kicked out of a bar?

There's priorities for you. 

1 Year

This is the one year anniversary of when she and I last saw one another. One year ago this weekend, we spent time together for the last time.

It's so crazy, looking back, thinking about where I was at with my life back then and how completely different it is now.

It's so different. I've grown so much and have changed so much.

Things with us one year ago were turbulent, to say the least. The funny thing is that thinking back about everything, I now realize how her perception was so different than mine. She was paying me lip service but in her mind, I was the bad one regardless of what she said. I was evil, I was the abuser, I was the one that caused her so much pain. 

The strange thing is that I always thought that things would come back together, but maybe I didn't. I had moved out, and I was beginning to determine ways to safeguard myself and my family. 

Anyway, it was one year ago when she said to me "I'll never trust you again," then drove away in her fit of fury.

She never trusted me from the start. Her loss. I'm pretty trustworthy.

They say it takes one year to fully heal from a Borderline relationship. One full year of no contact. 

This was the last time that she and I had contact, with the exception of some emails and text messages sent at the beginning of this year.

The latest contact that she tried to initiate was via the police department where she accused me of breaking into her Internet photo account, putting pictures of myself on her account.

Have I healed?

Yes.

Have I lost a piece of me?

Definitely

The End of The Innocence

One of the major attractions that a non has to a borderline is their innocence. They seem so innocent, so pure, and you think that you have such a pure love with them.

Unfortunately, this is an illusion. They make you feel like you have this "fairytale" romance that's so pure, but it's not. It's not real. You're merely a part of their play, I'm sorry to say

So, in the end, you lose your innocence. You emerge a better person, a stronger person, but a more callous person. Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline requires you to lose this as you re-acclimate with the world.

The nice thing is that you emerge with a level of clarity like no other. You almost see things too clearly.

I used to fear seeing her. Then I looked forward to seeing her so I could show her the person that I've emerged into.

Now, I don't care if I ever see her again. I still miss her daughters dearly, but her I don't care about.

That's what a year does -- it allows you to let go. For good.

Where to Go From Here?

I read through my old posts and am amazed at the person I was. So full of fear, so afraid of being left. I know that I'm back to the person that I was before the entire relationship began, probably better because I'm through the divorce as well.

Some things have become evident to me:

• Many times, so many times, I've said that I was healed and was "over" the relationship. Who was I fooling? I'm finally feeling like I'm pretty much over it. I swear! It takes a full year, count it a year, to get over this kind of relationship. Your sense of right and wrong is completely in question
  
• It's an illusion. An absolute illusion. Although you think that the relationship is real, it's not. It's a mirage, I'm sorry to say. That's one of the hardest things for me to accept. I thought I was in a real relationship when, in fact, it was bogus.
  
• You will have baggage. Of course, you can minimize your baggage, but you will have baggage from such a relationship
• With all that said, you can recover from a relationship like this and grow as a result. You can either grow up or let it put you down. 

I had some growing to do, so I did it. Or, I should say, I'm doing it.

So, I have this blog that's well-viewed by readers around the world and hopefully helps others with their issues, trouble and journey. By no means am I a professional. I've simply expressed my thoughts, feelings and events that have occurred with the BPD.

Here's what I'll do:

• Continue to document my thoughts, feelings, happenings, etc on this blog
• I'll also start linking the blog out better to more useful resources
• Recap some of the other events that happened in the relationship:
• Being kicked out
  
• Being kicked out -- again
  
• The private investigator
  
• Denise and the accusations
  
• Constant STD scares
  
• The three hour talk
  

Feel free to post comments asking for what you'd like to see. Please note that I will not reply to posts as this is an anonymous blog and I need to keep it as such.

Finding Yourself

A relationship with someone that has BPD becomes quite a discovery process for you. I was a strong willed person, an individual that had quite a sense of self before meeting the BPD. I saw many times when something would happen and I would ask her how she could even think such atrocious thoughts. She would apologize profusely, then would blame it on something that occurred in her past.

One of the toughest things for me was knowing that after she and I broke up, she would say horrible things about me, the way that she said such bad things about others. That took time for me to accept.

You need to rediscover yourself after any relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, like one with a BPD. After my relationship ended, I spent time with myself, but it was tough -- probably some of the toughest time I've spent by myself. Why?
- BPDs make you feel like you've found what you've always seeked. They're masters at determining your needs then meeting them, like they've never been met before. The food that you like, your interests, your dislikes will all become the same as the BPD.
- Once the BPD makes you feel like this, they begin to unleash their misery on you. This combination often makes the non stay for much longer than they really should stay.

After being in this relationship for long periods of time, you begin to lose your sense of self. I was abused -- regularly abused verbally, sometimes physically, and kicked out multiple times. Yet I came back for more, again and again.

Eventually, I found my self-worth and moved out, but it was difficult -- quite difficult. I shed quite a few tears after everything ended.

Everything happens for a reason. Life is much better now. Stay tuned.

Life Continues to Improve

It's been 10 months since the BPD and I last spoke to one another, when she stormed out of my place, and I didn't give chase. Life has changed quite a bit for me, to say the least. I'd like to say that it has gone back to normal, but it hasn't.

It's gone back to better than normal. My normal has been redefined. Particularly the normal that I had with the BPD, because that wasn't normal. That was dysfunctional.

Looking back, the relationship with the BPD was important to my growth. It was important for me to see true instability and how to navigate away from it. 

Ten months later, she can't come near me now:

- I have a new woman in my life. She's kind, patient, caring, loving, funny, quite attractive, and much more my speed. She's a singer, a mother, a wonderful friend. She supports me like I've never been supported before. I don't think that I was ready for her until now, and that I had to have a relationship with a BPD so I could truly appreciate the new woman.

- I have a new position so she doesn't know where I work. No more calling my office and asking reception, "Is Dennis working today?" then hanging up. 

- I've moved to a place where she has no idea where I live. None. I moved in with my new girlfriend, and she couldn't find me if she wanted to.

With that said, I'm still healing. I'm kidding myself if I don't say that I'm still healing. After being in a relationship with someone inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder for nearly two years, one has to heal so they can have healthy relationships again. They must learn their personal boundaries and exercise them, putting them up firmly for some, then learning to have flexible boundaries. I'm still healing, but it's nearly over. 

The Borderline Personality Addiction

When you spend years with a person afflicted with BPD, you grow addicted. You grow addicted to the highs of the relationship, and you grow addicted to the lows of the relationship. The BPD treats you like a god at times, then treats you as evil other times in their cycle of devaluing and idealizing you. 

Clearly, you love the highs, but you also like the lows as it becomes an opportunity for you to prove your worth. Proving your worth becomes critical when you're in a BPD relationship, as the BPD will constantly devalue you in between their fits of treating you like a God.

When the relationship ends, you want it back so badly that you will now violate boundaries -- the BPDs, your own, whatever -- to get the relationship back. You're now caught in the web of Borderline Personality Disorder. Some have called this, "living the life of a Borderline by proxy," and you really are living like a Borderline. You'll now:

• Call the BPD repeatedly until they pick up. Before you would never do such things. To the BPD, this proves their worth. They don't pick up the phone, and you're desperate to have them talk to you so you can reconnect with them and have them feed you the idealizing that only they can provide
  
• Get upset, jealous, angry about things that never would have bothered you before. Is this really you, or someone who has invaded your body? Look at the BPD, because they occupy your brain now, not you
• Ignore, disown, not pay attention, disregard family and friends to the point of completely cutting them off. One of the key things that BPDs do is isloate you, because if you were well-connected with friends and family, you probably would never have accepted such unacceptable treatment. My Mom used to tell me that she could tell when things were bad with me and the BPD because she wouldn't hear from me for weeks. When things were good, she'd hear from me all the time.
• Feel bad all the time. Maybe you're talking to yourself because you're feeling so bad (I did -- before the relationship ended and afterwards). Maybe you're clenching your teeth (I did for about 6-8 months). Maybe you're crying constantly (I did, particularly after the relationship ended). Believe me, life is fantastic. Stop doing it now.

Personal Growth After the BPD Relationship

The Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery takes time, but you must make sure that you perform all steps:

• Go to counseling and determine why you were in a relationship with a person stricken with BPD. 
• Fix the causes.
• Learn to re-establish clear, healthy boundaries
• If you stopped going to church, go back. If you never went to church, start going. This is critical as the BPD relationship filled a hole in you. It was most likely the "God Shaped Hole" as my Pastor likes to say.
• Re-establish relations with friends and family, if you choose.
• Enjoy life -- it's wonderful when you don't have all of the worries that a BPD puts on you.

The Cycle of Abuse

A counselor that the BPD and I once saw told me that if I stayed in the relationship, that her actions would be considered abusive and would continue to be abusive. Of course, I didn't listen, but that's another story.

Borderlines have a different reality than the normal person, and they have such self-hatred and self-loathing that they do not understand how anyone could care for them and love them. Because of this, they think that the people around them must have something wrong with them, alterior motives, or reason to take advantage of the BPD. This is the basis for how they operate -- they do not want to feel alone, but they cannot fathom how someone would legitimately want to be with them. 

Ultimately, you need to feel bad for the BPD. You can get out of your depression, sadness or whatever you're feeling. The BPD will always feel the way that they do. They will always be unstable. Their fear is that others will discover that they are borderline, so they do whatever they can to hide this, include:

- Take no accountability for anything

- Change reality so they are not responsible and others are responsible

- Accuse others of having BPD and other mental illnesses

When I was with the BPD, I had:

- Narcissism 

- BPD

- Dissociative Identity Disorder

- A compulsive lying problem

- The list goes on

Now, you look at these things and wonder how you could have stayed in the relationship for so long, but it was a slow, gradual process, getting pulled in with the constant idealizing, then being accused of being such a horrible person. The slow process eventually changes your boundaries and tolerance of such inappropriate accusations, actions and the like. 

The most amazing thing about Borderlines is that they look -- and appear -- that they are so well put together.  After all, they have spent years knowing that they viewed life differently, and it takes time to pinpoint the issues and make a decision to go. It took me nearly two years. You've never had life be so good, but you've never had it be so bad either. You cling to the good. When the bad begins to continually outweigh the good, it's time to move on.

Key Learnings

• The BPD took advantage of my own self-doubt. They saw it then preyed on it, playing on my fears. 
  
• The relationship with the BPD was critical to my growth as a person.
• I'm now much more of a man because of the relationship with the BPD. I no longer try to meet other's needs before looking to meet my own. Life is a compromise, not a sacrifice.

Stay tuned. More will be posted in upcoming months. It won't be as regular as before, but as I feel the need to provide updates, I'll provide them. 

Things Get Better -- Much Better

I haven't provided a posting in a while, yet visitors keep coming to the blog, which, in turn, makes me feel like I should post. One of the main reasons that I feel so compelled to post is when I review the keywords. 

As someone who was up to his eyeballs one year ago as I began to detach from a person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, I've been there.

As someone who is close to, if not fully, healed from the scars that a relationship with a BPD inflicts on you, you CAN get out and live a better life.

I've been there. I know the feeling. I never thought that I could do it. You can do it if you want though.

How To Get Out Of A Borderline Relationship For Good:

1. Create a solid support system of friends, family, co-workers, 12-step, support group...whatever you can before you leave the relationship. Have people to lean on when you need them. In the end, though, this is YOUR decision, and you will have difficult times. Just be prepared for them.

2. Commit to yourself -- commit to improving yourself and making yourself feel better. If you feel that you were codependent (you probably were), join groups like Al-Anon. See a therapist.

3. Be sure to get spiritual fulfillment -- Go to church, synogague or whatever form of organized religion that you subscribe. It's critical to have this support while going through this type of change.

4. Recognize that you will have difficult times, but these difficult times will make you a better, stronger and more secure person. Change is difficult, but in the end, it helps you become a better person.

5. Spend your free time with your support system and have friends that you consider "lifelines" when you need them.

6. While healing, learn about yourself -- learn why you fell into such a relationship, what warning signs to look for in the future, and how to ensure that you are treated well in the future.

7. Frequent websites like www.bpdcentral.com and the Welcome To Oz newsgroup. These support groups are invaluable as you sever ties with a BPD and begin to understand what happened.

You can and will be a better person in the end.

I realized that the relationship was critical to my development -- critical to making me a whole person. To be the person I am today, I had to endure quite a lot of difficulty -- quite a lot of abuse from the BPD relationship. Now, I am a stronger, more confident and secure person.

Good luck in your journey. It can get better and you can get out of it. 

Post Script One -- LIfe after BPD

It's been 9 months since the relationship with the BPD ended for good. We haven't had contact for nearly 6 months.

I'm now living life after being with a Borderline.

I never thought I would be where I am now. I'm once again back to myself. Not scanning rooms, making sure that the BPD is not somewhere before entering a restaurant, store, or any other public place. No longer fearing everything.

You can take your life back after being with a borderline, and life can be better than ever.

Relationships are particularly difficult after a relationship with a Borderline. It takes time to replace bad memories with good ones, and it takes time to reprogram yourself so you aren't so fearful of everything that the BPD used to punish you for. The list could be lengthy.

Depending on the relationship, it's like reprogramming yourself after suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When one is ready (and only when they are ready), one has to find a person who is very patient and understands that you can recover.

The good news is that you're not permanently damaged; you're only damaged permanently if you want that plight. If not, do the work and make yourself better.

I have met a wonderful woman who was patient with me. She's so wonderful and so patient. When we first started dating months ago, she saw my fear and the damage that the relationship had done to me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without the fear of accusation setting in. Now, we joke about scratches on my body.

I never thought I could joke about such things. She is a wonderful, understanding woman.

The nice thing is that there is life and healthy relationships after a relationship with a BPD. Life is better than ever. I've learned to appreciate the important things in life, ignore the unimportant, and have gained an understanding of many things that I never before fathomed.

Why Did I Get Into A Relationship With A BPD In The First Place?
I ask myself this question quite frequently. I think that it happened because I was having such shame about the marriage, and the BPD offered me the life that I always wanted. Unfortunately, the life was an illusion and not real. Once we were together, it quickly unfolded, but I was caught in the BPDs lair at this point.

The BPD's negativity caused me to overcompensate by over-committing. I over committed on every aspect, and this was my demise. I was emotionally, physically and financially over committed because of the BPDs disposition. Life was clearly not right, but I just wanted to make it right.

I now understand. I now live in a healthy relationship with no drama. We don't fight. We discuss issues that we have, and we resolve them. I may have needed the relationship with the BPD to reinforce the good in the current relationship.

Life is good, even after a relationship with a BPD. You can get out, and you can thrive. Don't forget it.

The Chapter Ends

Well, it's time to close this chapter of my life. What a chapter it has been. I've grown more in the past few years than I have in the rest of my adult life, and I've emerged that person that I always wanted to be. I've renewed my faith in my religion, have gotten to a point of content, and have truly believed in myself and in the goodness of humanity once again.

As I'm reaching this point of being content and pushing out this positive energy, this positive energy attracts someone who's amazing, and someone who I knew over 20 years ago. I went to high school with her; we were acquaintances that were in similar, but always different circles.

We met on an online dating site and didn't realize that we knew one another or went to the same high school until we had been communicating for days. The initial attraction was there and was developing quickly without each of us knowing that we knew each other, but it all gelled -- quite quickly -- once we knew who each of us was.

The strange thing is that I remembered her voice, yet she said we never talked. I remembered it vividly. I also remembered the jacket she wore, although she said that we never talked. I remembered that vividly and remembered the people that she hung around with as well.

Despite the picture that I had in my head of her, she still looked a little different in the picture. When I saw her though, I knew that it was her - she looked the same except she dyed her hair blonde. What did she say to me? "You look exactly the same."

Since seeing each other the first time, we've spent quite a bit of time together. We spent an entire weekend together, away and playing on the beach.

We fit quite well together from every perspective. We have fun like there's no tomorrow, we laugh together, we love together; we are affectionate all the time, and we support one another. We have a true partnership, and the care that we have for one another emanates from us.

You Can Have a Healthy Relationship After A Borderline Relationship

I stayed in the relationship with the BPD for a long time because I was afraid that I would never have many of the things that I had with her. With my new partner, I have all of those things and more without any drama, dysfunction or abuse on me. It's all possible, if you do the work and believe in yourself.

I believed in myself, and it happened. Anyone who was in a relationship with a partner inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder can heal themselves and have a functional relationship after their relationship with the BPD, but they must properly heal themselves. It's probably the most difficult process that I've been through, but I now feel much better.

I've replaced most of the bad memories that the BPD had put into my head, but some will still emerge. When they do, I easily clear them and laugh about them quite regularly -- someone should never accuse you of sending text messages when you're going to the bathroom -- that's just silly.

Like I've said before, the relationship made me grow quite a bit. Now, it's time to develop a solid, functional relationship with a wonderful woman that shares my spirit, my soul, my faith, my love of life. We have infinite possibilities together, and we know that. We also have a long road ahead of us before our relationship can be permanent, but we're both optimistic, which is nice.

You can have a quite happy, healthy life after a relationship with a Borderline.

I hope you've enjoyed these journals and the story of this part of my life with a BPD. With that, I bid you adieu.

My Angel

I've recently learned that angels come in and out of your life every day, and most of them don't have wings.

I had an angel come into my life on Saturday, and I think she's going to be staying for some time.

A kindred spirit. She gets it. She gets me, and I know that by what she's said to me and told me, how she's spoken to me, and the experiences that we have shared. I think I get her too. I feel so comfortable, yet so excited.

I've known my angel for more than 20 years; I wasn't ready for her until now, but now I'm ready. She even said that she was looking for someone who was ready. I haven't told her, but I'm ready.

I think she's ready.

I did the work. I became content, happy with myself. Happy to do things as a single man. I renewed my faith, prayed for God to help me heal and let go of my baggage. I've felt the bricks come off my shoulders, most of them about a month ago, but they continued to fall off.

Once that happened, the world changed. I felt it. I began to feel like I was walking on air all of the time.

Then she came into my life.

Her words. Her mannerisms. Her attitude. Her heart. Her appearance. She is beautiful, inside and out.

Only time will tell, but I think I met my angel.

Sunshine In My Eyes

I want to be that person -- the one who always has sunshine in his eyes.

I want to be the person that others look at, and they see light beaming from me. They see hope, they see joy, they see happiness.

I want it to emanate from me, and I want others to feed off of it (in a healthy way), bringing relationships, situations, whatever it may be, to new levels.

I want the sunshine, the positive energy, to pour out of me.

I want others to feel it, use it constructively, and I want them to believe. I want them to believe in themselves and in the good of mankind.

Goodness must emanate from our souls. It must pour out. If it does, what a wonderful world.

What a wonderful world.

Birthday

Today's her birthday. She's 41. Happy birthday.

They say that it takes one year to fully heal from a relationship like this one. You have to go through the anniversaries, the holidays and the birthdays. I understand that.

Actually, the birthdays I spent with her were okay; they weren't wonderful. Last birthday, I got her 40 gifts for her 40th birthday. I know that a 40th birthday is supposed to be a big one, but unfortunately, she had kicked me out two weeks before and I had just moved back in the week before, so I wasn't able to plan any celebration for her. Not only that, she told me that her friends couldn't do anything because it was Mothers' Day weekend.

She made me feel bad anyway for not planning a huge celebration. We went to a local restaurant with her sister, parents (who were in town for her birthday) and kids, and she got drunk. Quite drunk. Her father wanted to talk to me later and tell me that I was an abusive man. My God, look at your daughter for once.

I still wonder how I could have planned a huge celebration when I didn't live with her before her birthday. I think that I moved back in a week before her birthday. Still, I managed to figure out 40 gifts for her that ranged from a golf bag and some special clubs to tickets to see a concert.

It still wasn't enough. Never enough for her. The woman was so selfish and so self-absorbed that it didn't matter what she did to me. All that mattered is what she felt. Her sister didn't plan a huge party. Her parents didn't have an enormous gathering brewing. She didn't kick them out of the house and refuse to communicate with them.

That was me. Yet I endured. I stuck with it. I jumped through hoops, being told that I was an abusive person by her father. And I took it, all in an effort to get her help and help her see.

I thought that she would see the light in time. I thought that a counselor would start treating her. No one ever did.

I now get to shed this baggage. I want it gone. I want the ill feelings gone. I want it all gone.

I never thought I'd say that, but the time has come.

Her birthday wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Is was actually quite good. I met up with a group of friends by happenstance and going to see a band play. We couldn't find the bar, actually I couldn't find the bar because I knew where it was. We joked that it was like high school again when you were going to a party, and it really felt like this.

I realized that this is what my new life is like. I don't know what's happening day to day, and it's a life of uncertainty. But that's okay right now. The nice thing is that anything could happen, and it's pretty nice having this feeling right now.

I'm getting comfortable in my new life, and I'm about to make big changes and try to live my dream life. I'm also starting to look around at houses, and church is back in my life. I'm starting to really get it together. Nice feeling. A real nice feeling.

A day that I thought was going to be so tough ended up being okay. That's what I'm shooting for -- okay. Don't need the moon and the stars yet, just need a state of stability.

Now that's cool. The Me Project is working.

Intensive Care

I completely forgot about when I had to be admitted into Intensive Care in 2006. What a story...

On June 25, 2006 (not that I remember dates or anything), my exBPD and I were cleaning out her kitchen when I found a box of sandwich toothpicks, the ones with plastic tassels on the end of it. I also found straws and started blowing darts across the kitchen. The second dart, I put into the straw, and inhaled, getting ready to blow the dart across the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the dart went the wrong way.

When I inhaled through my mouth, the dart went into my mouth and down my throat. I swallowed hard, and the dart was gone.

I felt like the dart was sitting in the back of my throat, but it must have scratched my throat as it was going into my stomach. We called the hospital and they advised us to go right in.

I went to Somerset Medical Center and was checked out. A specialist came and gave me an Endoscopy, trying to get the toothpick out of my stomach.

The specialist couldn't get the toothpick out of my stomach. They said that I had eaten too much for lunch and couldn't find it. They told me to go home, and it should hopefully pass.

The next few days were relatively uneventful. I periodically checked to see if the toothpick had passed, and I'd periodically feel pains in my stomach, but didn't worry too much about it.

The following weekend was the fourth of July. We were scheduled to go to my friend's for a barbeque, then drive down to my place in Delaware to spend a weekend at the beach with all five of the kids. Fun for all. Unfortunately, I was in great pain at my friend's house, but hung tough. She drove down to Delaware because I was in such pain, and I decided that if necessary, I would go to the hospital down there. That evening, I was in great pain, but I decided to wait the night.

The next morning, I felt fine. We had a wonderful weekend in Delaware, and I wrote our Commitment Declaration, which we celebrated on the beach and had a great time overall.

We came back from Delaware on Tuesday, I believe. I felt fine. By the end of the week, however, I was in great pain whenever I urinated. On Friday, I went to the doctor, who said that I would need to go to the Emergency Room and get a CAT scan. They needed to see if they could find the toothpick.

I spent the entire night in the hospital and got two CAT scans. At 4 a.m., the doctor admitted me into the hospital -- Intensive Care. They wanted to watch me because they thought that the toothpick was floating in my body cavity. I had a fever and they put me on an IV right away.

In the morning, I prepped for my surgery, couldn't eat and had two operations.The first, which was like a colonoscopy (forget the name), produced nothing. The second was surgery where they went into my body and retrieved the toothpick.

In recovery, my lung collapsed. Back into Intensive Care I went for 2 more days.

The BPD was with me for much of the surgery, and she stayed with me the first night after my surgery. She was quite supportive overall, but of course, when I asked her to get my phone because I wanted to call my friend Mike, she suspected that I was going to call women.

Her anxiety got worse though. On the second night, when she was going to stay over, I was flipping TV stations and in my own world, according to her. I guess that I wasn't paying enough attention to her, so she was upset and she stormed out around 11 p.m. There I was, upset, and she had left because I wasn't paying any attention to her while I was in Intensive Care.

Does anyone see the problem with this?

The next day, I was moved out of Intensive Care, and my Mom was coming to see me. They (my parents) had been there through all of the surgery and the later days, but she was coming to see me. I asked her to stop at my house and pick up my laptop, as I had a credit card bill that was about to be late. She stopped and picked up the laptop, which caused yet more anxiety with the BPD. She thought that I was going to email others or reach out to people, I guess.

She came to the hospital upset and not happy with me. Anyway, I was released the following day, and we had 1-1/2 weeks to spend together as I was told to stay out of work by the doctor.

The Tour de France was on during this time, and I love the tour. An American was in contention, so I was particularly interested and I tried to watch it every day.

This again was not good. The BPD felt that I was so focused on the Tour and not paying enough attention to her. She was greatly upset by this.

Some of these episodes became the BPDs reasons for telling me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- because I did not pay enough attention to her or would focus on something other than her.

I returned to work after 2 weeks of being out. The BPD made the entire time, just like when I was in the hospital, about her. I couldn't recover and not pay attention to her, as the BPDs narcissistic tendencies make them the focus and require them to be the focus regardless of others' needs.

Looking back, I should have walked after the episode was over. How can someone justify walking out of another when they're in the hospital? That's downright abuse and something that I wish that I had brought up in counseling.

I told my coworker about this, and her response was appropriate: "That's not a sick person, that's just the most selfish, most immature person that you'll ever meet."

So true.

Good riddance.

Grace

At church on Sunday, Pastor talked about grace and how it has to flow freely from you. You need to be able to forgive others for their sins against you, and he cited a passage from the book of Acts. Tears ran down my face as I heard him say that. I feel real bad, but I'm having difficulty following the Lord in this instance.

I cannot forgive her for what she did. I just cannot forgive her.

The way she treated me, the way she acted just wasn't right. It was mean. It was heartless. It was not the way she told me she would treat me. She treated me much worse than she ever promised.

She was so hurtful. She did things with the intention of hurting, or with the intention of not being hurt herself. The world was all about her, and it was at my expense. I tried to show her who I really was, but she just never got it.

It didn't matter what I did or how I acted. She still was bent on the fact that I was bad. When I was there, I was the man in her eyes, but when I walked out the door, I was the devil.

Grudges were held not for months, but for years. She would cite things that happened early in the relationship that were not against her, but she thought that it was something against her, years later.

My children were hurt by her. Her children were hurt by her. The family was split apart because of her actions. I have not seen her girls since September because of her actions.

I am having difficulty forgiving her. All that I can do is pray that I can get the strength to forgive her, and hope that with time, I will be able to do this.

In time, I hope. In time...

The Pain Still Comes, Then Goes

The pain doesn't just go away, no matter how many times I say goodbye to Oz. It stinks, but it's true. You can't, I can't, just walk away from the pain. I committed to fully healing myself from this relationship, and I'm doing just that.

Unfortunately, I'm very impatient.

I want to get on with life. I want to move on. I've done the work, read the books and gone through all of the exercises to heal me. Unfortunately, it does take time. I'm much better than I was in February or March, but I'm still healing.

What's been hurting the most is that I'm now reprocessing all of the events that took place. I now believe that I was played in many instances, and I took it, I was abused and I let it happen.

I believed. I can't believe that one person would manipulate and take such advantage of another person. The worst thing is that if, when she was doing things like break up with me, kick me out or the like, if I did something that she didn't like, I was punished even more by her.

I don't want to go into specifics, but this woman really did mean things. They were manipulative, controlling things, and she knew what she was doing. What a monster.

The worst thing is that she told me every day that I was bad and doing bad things to her, again in an effort to control and manipulate me. The best defense is a good offense, and this woman just unleashed on me. She unleashed whatever she needed to get what she wanted.

My God, how could someone do this to someone that they said that they loved?

The amount of pain that I felt because of her childish needs, wants, insecurities and desires was enormous. I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for some of the things that she did. The worst thing is that she tried to blame me in the end.

Change is hard. I'm obviously making good, constructive changes in myself, but I'm still hurt that someone would tell me every day that I'm a bad person. I tell no one, let alone the person that I love, that they're a bad person. My kids would never hear those words out of my mouth.

Control & Boundaries

One of the biggest aspects of a relationship with a BPD is control. I never realized this until I was out of the relationship, but BPDs have to control every aspect of the Non's being, or they go absolutely insane.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.

The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.

Boundaries Are CRITICAL

One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.

Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.

Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.

Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem

Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.

Personal Life Update

I'm not sure why you all want an update on my personal life, but here goes. Do me a favor and tell me what else you're looking for (I'll even let anonymous posters put their opinion). I'm going to keep this light and easy, because my life really isn't that much fun. :-)

THE REAL FUN STUFF
- I'm probably going out once or twice a week. Sometimes dates, sometimes out with friends, but just getting out. The time is coming where I can fully date again. I've met some good people and quality people that I really appreciate and have learned quite a bit from.
Getting over the next few weeks will be tough, as all of the girls' birthdays are at the end of this month and the 10th and 15th of next month.
- I'm working out pretty regularly and trying to get 6 pack abs as well as a completely toned body. My upper body is more toned than ever.
- I'm feeling fantastic overall, my self esteem and confidence has been quite high, and I feel like I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. Overall, I'm content.
- I've become a crack addict out of sheer boredom. If you believe that one, I'VE GOT SOME LAND IN FLORIDA I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU!
- I got tickets to see Dave Matthews Band in June, and I'm real excited. DMB is supposed to be fantastic. Still looking for someone to go with, but in due time...

THE EVEN MORE FUN STUFF
- My kids are doing real well, and we're back to the tight unit that we've always been.
- The job is going well
- I've got a number of websites that I'm about to launch that are going to be real cool. From fishing to writing and others, I'm going to have some real neat websites launching in the next few weeks.
- My pet silverfish keeps running away. ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
- I've finally grabbed onto what I'm passionate about -- writing. I've done it forever but always wanted a little more -- to be that executive in the corner office. Not anymore. Writing is just fine for me. Pretty nice feeling.

I STILL CAN'T WAIT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
- I can't wait, but I will. I now know that I won't settle. Whatever I settle for is what I ultimately get, so I'm shooting for the stars, and I'll wait until I get it.
- I've learned the teachings of the book 'The Secret' and I'm using them. They really work.
- Praying has also helped.
- I don't know what's happened, but a weight has lifted off of my shoulders in the past couple of weeks. It's an amazing thing. I feel content. Things are coming together for me.
- I deserve, and will have, the excellent relationship. I will have it, and I will settle for no less
- Can't wait to find my Dreamgirl - in due time, in due time...

What else do you want to know? Post a comment and let me know what you're looking for. You want me to tell you about my personal life, but I'm not hurting like I was a couple of months ago. So, I don't have that much fun stuff to tell. I will when it gets real exciting...

Enjoy!

:-)

2 Years When The Girls Met

My daughter just told me, "This is the two year anniversary of when we first met." April 23, 2006, they all first met. She misses the girls dearly.

These are the things that I resent the BPD for. My poor daughter has to go through so much pain because of the BPDs issues. That's a shame, and ultimately not fair for my daughter.

I wonder if the BPDs girls miss my daughter. I bet they do.

The saddest thing is that my daughter holds the date so special that she remembered it. In the BPDs world, I used to tell her about all the dates that we had -- our first date, our first everything, and she couldn't even tell me how long she dated any of her previous boyfriends. All dates were fuzzy and not defined.

Looking back, I don't think that she could remember the lies that she told me, so she didn't want to be pinned down. I trusted her blindly, and she took full advantage.

I wonder if the BPD's daughters tell the BPD that they miss her. I bet they don't. I bet that she doesn't allow them to talk about me or my kids.

I feel so bad for my daughter. She said that she sent the youngest girl a Happy Birthday message over the Internet. My little girl has such a good heart, and she misses them so dearly.

I wish I could do something for her to ease my daughter's pain as a result of this breakup. Unfortunately, there's nothing that I can do.

With a borderline breakup, there are many casualties. Families are broken apart, and the BPD creates a situation where no contact can be maintained. It's not like a normal relationship because of the splitting that occurs in the mind of the BPD.

Yet another shame. No one should be so hurt by another human beings, particularly my little girl.

Paranoid

One of the biggest issues with the BPD was the paranoia. She thought that her previous lovers would do things to 'screw with her,' and she thought that I was doing things to screw with her. Examples include:

- I would call her around 3:00 every day to say hello, tell her I loved her and plan out the evening. Sounds fair, especially because we would either have lunch together or talk all lunch time. The BPD thought that this was some way of screwing with her, because she would have to pick her daughter up off the bus at 3:20. She forgot that I was working and earning a living, and that her needs should have been secondary. But somehow I was screwing with her.

- To expand a little more on this issue (this was brought up by her in counseling), I'm not sure how anyone in their right mind could think in such a way. When she and I were communicating in Early March, I sent her a text message at 3:12, and got a response 'you are f'd up.' First, I had forgotten about the rules she had imposed on me when we were in the relationship (it was six months before that), and second, I always thought those rules were RIDICULOUS

- When I took her mountain biking, she thought I did it to torture her in some way. We rode tough trails and she did quite well. That type of pushing, however, she thought was torturous. Early when we rode, she had some hard falls which I was blamed for. I assessed her skill level and felt she could ride the trails, which she could.

- She thought that I broke things in her house just so I would be valuable around the house

- She thought that I broke her sump pump when her basement flooded, despite the fact that I spent hours and hours cleaning up after the basement had flooded, then, spent hours fixing the basement and installing new moulding. This one really bothers me and makes no sense. It's an example of all of the work that I did for her and how it was all minimized and made into nothing.

After that one, I'm frankly tired of talking about her paranoia and the other things. It really hurt that I did so much for that woman and the relationship, and it was all thrown away, minimized, and I was still made to feel bad. The New Rules of the Me Project would never stand for being treated as such, and this is why.

For those with Borderline Personality Disorder that read this blog, I URGE you to think about the Nons in your life and how they sacrifice for you. All that we ever wanted was a little appreciation.

In October, I moved out of living with the BPD. I thought that this would make her finally believe and understand the relationship. One week later, we laid in my new bed, and she said to me, "I feel so bad for being so hard on you." Tears are in my eyes as I write this. I thought that she finally got it, and my heart went right back to her.

Unfortunately, the paranoia continued, and we lasted two more short months. My point is that we nons try so hard to keep the relationship stable, often at our expense.

I know that I never could have had the life that I do with the BPD in my life, but I was willing to sacrifice for her. There were other parts of the relationship that were so good, so pure, so beautiful, that I would have sacrificed it all for her.

She never understood that though. Her paranoia, twisted sense of reality and poor self-image simply would not let her see my beautiful soul and how it poured out to her.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

What Is The Me Project Anyway?

I don't think that I've ever formally described the Me Project, so why not describe it now? :)

The Me Project, like its name implies, is all about me. After being in a relationship of any sort, one needs to work on themselves for a while. One needs to go back to basics, figure out what they want in life, what parts of themselves need development and what parts don't.

This is particularly important for a Non borderline who was just involved with someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. The Non needs to do plenty of work on themselves to understand why they got involved with a BPD, what dysfunction they accepted and why. If they were in a relationship like me who was told "you're bad" every day, one will also need some time to clear those hurtful, negative thoughts out of their heads.

So, back to the Me Project. For too much of my life, I've focused on others, and I've ended up with people that I would consider emotional vampires. These people suck the life out of you as they try to find themselves. Critical indicators of this include:
- Low Self Esteem
- Poor Self Image
- Low Confidence Levels
- Overall Negativity
I've been the one to pull them out of their abyss and into a good state. The problem is that it was often at my expense.

So, the Me Project was born. I began this project in 2006, but suspended it when I got involved with the borderline. Of course, this is too much growth for a borderline to handle.

The objective of the Me Project is to reach my fullest potential and make sure that my kids stay on track as well. That's it.

After I got out of the relationship with the BPD, the Me Project went back into effect. Here have been my short term goals:
- Get back into good shape (underway:))
- Heal myself from the BPD relationship (underway:))
- Understand why I was in the relationship with the BPD and how to correct any holes (done!)
- Take on new projects and hobbies to fill my time (underway)
- Get the kids together (underway/done!)
- Live the theories that embody The Secret
- Get my spirituality/faith together (underway)
- Get more involved in community events (not yet started)
- Finish the book (underway)

I've done quite a bit of work that continues. The fruits of my labors are really beginning to show though. I'm attracting people that I truly want to be in my life and are exemplary. I've stepped up a couple of levels in terms of the people in my life and the people that I am attracting.

Something has happened recently. I still don't understand what has happened, but I'm not going to complain.

I'm making it great in 2008. This is my year for me to start some great things.

My 5 year plan? Be on the water (hopefully the beach) writing. I'll probably be on the snow in the winter writing. We'll see, but I'm going to make this come together.

God I love it. It's starting to fire on all cylinders.

The Me Project is working. I've always focused on others too much, to my demise. I never worked enough on me. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still a giving person, just not as giving as I was in the past where I gave to the point of my demise.

Now I understand. It's happening right in front of my eyes. A little faith goes a long way.

I can't wait to see what a lot of faith does.

Best of You

I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.

Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.

No one. I won't let anyone have that.

I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!

This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.



I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!




*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.

Believe

I can't believe that I never wrote about Believe. Believe was a word that I used to use all the time with the her. She was constantly accusing me of deceiving her, cheating on her, and the like, and I was constantly countering her with "I'd never do that to you, I care about you too much," "I'm only into you," and the like. I spent my life trying to make her feel comfortable in the relationship.

I devoted myself to helping her believe in the relationship.
I wanted her to believe in my love for her.
I wanted her to believe in what we had and how it was so special. I felt that it was special.

I wanted her to change her attitude from being so negative to a positive one. I bought her books like "The Power of Positive Thinking," "The Secret," and the like. I've always been positive and have had such positive thoughts, so I could overcome most of her negativity.

With time, even I was overcome by her negativity.

Looking back at the relationship, I held on because I viewed the relationship as so pure, so innocent and such pure love, while I think by exBPD, in her mind, was viewing everything as so ugly.

She just wasn't telling me and letting me have my reality. This way, she's not alone, and I'm out on Cloud 9. I used to tell her that when we were apart and she would be suffering from separation anxiety (as I termed it), I'd be sitting at work on Cloud 9 from the amazing night before.

I compensated for her twisted, crazy reality of suspicion, mistrust and misery by being gregarious, warm and loving, pulling her out of her abyss on a regular basis and bringing her into my world -- my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world.

I always believed that one day, she would realize what she had and who I was. Of course, she didn't. I moved out after giving her a timeline to get her act together. After I moved out, she couldn't control me, and her mind went off the wall. I thought we would last two weeks when
I moved out, and we lasted two months.

What I've realized is that warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is mine. She put her misery on me, and I've been healing from that, but my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is coming back. She goes back to her misery, and I go back to optimism, beauty and positive energy.

I went above and beyond with her on a regular basis, trying to get her to believe in the relationship and what we had. While we never married (she got too much from the government and that would have been cut off), I created a formal Commitment Declaration. This indicated our love for one another, rules of the relationship and commitment to being exclusive to the relationship, which we both signed, put rings on one another's fingers.

God, I tried like I've never tried before. Tears are in my eyes as I think about the efforts that I went through with her. I believed in what we had, and I believed in her.

Within a week, she had violated rules of the commitment, checking my email account or one of the other rules that I explicitly stated. Within one month, she ripped up the Commitment Declaration and threw it in the garbage. Within six months when she kicked me out of her house the second time, she and her daughters (BPDs use the kids as weapons) ceremoniously disposed of the ring by throwing it out somewhere.

She also threw the Believe plaque out multiple times, and I would retrieve it from the garbage. I actually still have it hanging in my house -- when I last saw her and she stormed out of my house, right before she left, she took the plaque off the wall and threw it in the garbage one last time; I, of course, removed it. Again.

When I bought a new cell phone, I put a picture of a sunrise in the background with the word Believe on it. To this day, I still have the Believe background on my phone, nearly two years after I first put it there. In the end, the Believe has been for me:
- I believe in the beauty of human beings, even after this experience
- I believe in pure love
- I believe in the innocence that human has
- I believe in the power of positive energy
- I believe that this world is a beautiful place and every day should be celebrated

I will keep the Believe Plaque for as long as I live. When times are hard, sometimes we have to remind ourselves to believe and not stop. The worst thing to be is a hardened, callous person. You repel people from you instead of pulling them in.

Everyone needs to believe. If we did, think about how much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

The Emotionally Unavailable

Now that I'm single again and dating, I'm noticing lots of different people on this journey. One of the largest groups that are out there are the emotionally unavailable. This group of women falls into two categories:

1. The ones that know that they're emotionally unavailable. These usually are divorced women that get quite a large stipend from an ex husband in the form of alimony and/or child support. These women will not not not get married or commit to you, as any commitment will jeopardize their stipend and would impact their financial situation.

2. The ones that do not know that they're emotionally unavailable. This is quite a large group of women (men as well, I bet) that are scarred from their childhood, trauma somewhere along their life, etc. BPDs fall into this camp, as would people suffering from PTSD or any other mental disorder. This may also be people that need to do family of origin work to get through some of their issues. This group can be quite dangerous because they do not acknowledge the issues that they have and put those issues on you.

The most dangerous thing about being with someone who does not know that they're emotionally unavailable is that you could be in a relationship with them for quite some time, then are rejected for a nonsensical reason, as is the case often with BPDs. Their reality is different from your reality, and you are suddenly rejected.

With those that know that they're emotionally unavailable, they usually will not let you get close to them. They like life, but get bored and need someone to fill their time. Remember, you cannot forge long-term relationships with this group either. They know it, and so should you.

Both groups are dangerous; in my opinion, awareness is critical in either instance. Keep your eyes and ears open for the emotionally unavailable so you're not hurt long-term.

Peace

"You're back to yourself," my ex wife said to me, "even your daughter said something to me about how you don't yell anymore."

I yelled? I have no recollection of yelling at my kids. So I asked them, and sure enough, they confirmed that I yelled at them.

This was when I was in the relationship with the BPD. As it turns out, I would yell at my kids quite often. My oldest said, "that's because you were always fighting with her (the BPD)."

"You guys would fight every night, when we went to bed," my daughter chimed in.

Holy crap. I forgot about that. I forgot about how I felt back then. All I wanted was to make peace; that's all I ever wanted.

All we did was fight, day and night. She never was happy with me. I always did something wrong, from taking too long when I went out to accusations of sleeping with someone else. There were so many other accusations that I'm starting to forget them, thank God.

For the most part, I would stand up for myself. Sometimes, I would just ignore them, and other times, I would accept them. What else do you do? You just want the accusations to go away. You try everything in your power to make them go away.

They don't go away. They only get worse in time.

They only get worse. My God, how could they get worse?

She controlled my every move. She knew when I was going anywhere, whether it be leaving work, going to get my kids, going to take lunch, whatever it may be. And that still wasn't enough. She even said to me once when I told her that she knows my every move, "that's impossible, no one knows someone's every move."

She knew my every move. Yet it still wasn't enough.

Now I understand why I was so angry. Having someone controlling your every move and still not being happy will eventually rip you apart. It will rip you into pieces and make you so frustrated. That's how I got - super-frustrated.

My poor kids. The reason why I wanted to be in a relationship after my marriage was to show them what a healthy couple looks like, what a happy couple looks like. Then I meet the BPD and I show them a world of Oz where I spend less time with them than when I was with their mother.

Now, they have me back. They have "Father of The Year" that focuses on the kids, keeps them active and engaged, and plays with them. I'm the Dad that plays with my kids, I don't watch them play.

They learn from me and my example. The relationship with the BPD was not a good example, but it was less than two years. The whole family still hurts, but in time, it will be better.

Time heals all wounds.

Shine

I remember when the relationship with the BPD began, she told me about this song that she loved called Shine, a song that's absolutely beautiful, but is about a relationship ending. Looking back, it was foreshadowing for the relationship itself:


I can see it in your eyes
what I know in my heart is true
that our love it has faded
like the summer run through
and we'll walk down the shoreline
one last time together
feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts
like a feather
but who knows what's waiting
in the wings of time
dry your eyes
we're gonna go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
or clinging to the past
with your beauty so precious
and the season so fast
and hey, no matter how cold the horizon appears
or how far the first night
when I held you near
we're gonna rise from these ashes
like a bird aflame
take my hand
we're gonna go where we can shine
(na na na na na na na na, shine)

And for all that we struggle
for all we pretend
you know, you know, you know it don't come down to nothing
except love in the end
and ours is a road
that is strewn with goodbyes
but as it unfolds
as it all unwinds
remember your soul is the one thing
you can't compromise
step out of the shadow
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
moonfoam and silver

- David Gray



The funny thing is that I am going to go where I can shine now. Before the relationship with the BPD, something was missing in me. I thought that the BPD was missing, but what was missing is in me. It was that self-acceptance, that contentment, that the BPD sniffed out and hammered me about. I have been in the fire, and I have emerged as steel. No longer 'soft' a solid character with confidence in myself. What a good feeling.

I wrote about this in an early blog, years ago: http://www.dennissuler.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi/26

Even looking back at that blog, I was so politically correct, so 'not' me. Time changes you, your attitudes and what's important. It's nice to be me again.

This song told me many things about this woman that I chose not to listen:
- She was emotionally unavailable. There are plenty of emotionally unavailable women out there, so I'll post more about this in the future.
- She had a fatalistic attitude and would not see herself in a relationship long-term. In her mind, the relationship was ending before it began
- She has so much self-loathing that she's just foreshadowing.

If I only knew those things in the beginning, I would not have gotten involved. However, like I wrote earlier, the BPD actually helped me learn quite a bit about myself and helped me ultimately work through those issues in an indirect way. I thank her for that. I'm now the man that I want to be (I've written this before also, but I'm really feeling it) and about to step into my place in the world.

The funny thing is that although I would thank the BPD for helping me become this person, I could never have done it with her. She was too insecure and controlling to let me be my true self, exposing my soul to the world.

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm going to go where I can shine. I hope she gets there someday.

Fallen

I heard a song today that reminded me of my life after I separated with my now ex wife. I remember having so much shame about leaving the marriage that this song typified what I was feeling. I never dealt with that, I just kept moving forward until I met the BPD two years later.



Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me from the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know

So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals

The lonely light of morning
The wound that will not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
[these lyrics are found on http://www.songlyrics.com]
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

-- Sarah McLaughlin



I was primed for a relationship with a BPD. I was better than when I felt like this, but only a little better.

The BPD pumped me up, made me feel great when I was going through so much difficulty with the marriage ending. I wanted to build another family and I wanted one fast. Replace what you have and then life is back to normal. She gave me everything that I wanted. Once she had me hooked, she put her misery on me, slowly but surely.

Always Sundays

I still think about you.
I still have nights where I miss what we had.
I still think about the girls and hope they're doing well
I still think about the hound and hope she's still kicking.
I still think about the good things, the blended family, the fun we had.
I still think about my dance partner and being able to dance anywhere with you.
I still think about my ski, bike, and general play partner
I still think about someone who could match my energy
I still think about watching shooting stars together and wishing for a wonderful future
I still think about my amazing lover
I still think about someone who I thought was my lover for the rest of my life, my partner
I still think about the dreams we shared, and the future that we were going to forge together.
I still think about the love that I thought we shared and how I thought it was real
I still think about how hurt I was and how tough it has been
I still think about how poorly you treated me at the end
I still think about the mean things that you said
I still think about how you accused me of all those horrible things that I would not do to my worst enemy
I still think about how you made all the problems mine and would not go back to counselors when you agreed to go back -- three times
I still think about how you made me feel so bad and told me that I was bad every day
I still think about the pain that you put onto me
I still think about the lies
I still think about the private investigator and you making things up to kick me out -- twice
I still think about the constant instability
I still think about not being able to plan anything because I didn't know if I'd still be there
I still think about the turmoil
I still think about the abuse
I still think about your misery.

I now know that you can't hurt me anymore.

I'm getting better.

The Borderline Twist

There's a new dance out there and it goes like this,
Let's all do the Borderline Twist!

Okay, maybe it's not the best dance, but it's something that I just learned about, but I had it happen to me all the time. They call it "The Borderline Twist" and it's something that those afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder do on a regular basis.

The Borderline Twist Defined
The Borderline Twist occurs when a BPD takes an event and literally changes it. They change history to fit their twisted theories, thoughts and fears. It occurs all the time and is a big problem for the Non in the relationship with the BPD. Why?
- As a Non in a relationship with a BPD, your life is constantly in turmoil as reality is changed in front of your eyes
- Over time, you begin to question your own sanity
- You realize that you can NEVER have a stable relationship with a BPD -- no matter what, history will be changed in front of your eyes so the BPD will think that you are bad.

I had this happen to me quite regularly with the BPD. She would change facts in front of my eyes. Things that I KNOW that I did not say, she would accuse me of saying. Man, it was brutal.

The worst thing is that I always treated her with respect, so when she would accuse me of these things, I would try to work with her on these issues and explain that I would not ever do or say such things. It didn't matter; she BELIEVED that I did those things.

A Different Reality
Those with BPD have a different reality than the rest of the world. The world is a scary place, and it is so scary that their fears rule their life. The only way that BPDs can successfully address these issues is through Dialectic Behavioral Therapy where they actually learn reality and have "safe people" that will tell them reality. Unfortunately, most Borderlines never admit their problems, shift responsibility to others and take no accountability for their actions.

If you are in a relationship with a BPD and see the Borderline Twist occurring regularly, you need to decide if you can live with such behaviors and instability. Those with low self esteem may be able to live with it; those that are confident will only be able to tolerate it for a certain period of time, before they decide to move on.