There were a lot of times with the Borderline that were good. I remember telling her regularly, "the good times outweigh the bad."
The good times did outweigh the bad in the beginning, probably for the first year-and-a-half of the relationship.
The BPD had energy that could match mine (I'm a pretty high energy person). She could do many things athletic, such as run, and she was as good a skier as I was. She could go out and party like there was no tomorrow. She liked quite a lot of the same things that I did, and she was brought up in an area similar to the area that I was. We had similar interests, from food to recreation, which is important to me.
These are just some of the reasons that I stayed with the BPD for so long. I hope that this explains why I stayed in the relationship for so long.
Unfortunately, some of this wasn't real. I thought that it was, but it wasn't.
The Borderline Mask
BPDs figure out what you want, then give you this like you've never had before. You feel like you've met a true soul mate, someone that has similar likes, feelings, attitudes and tastes about things. From your clothing tastes to what you like to do and the foods you eat, they match your tastes almost identically. Where you don't match, they slowly move to match your tastes.
It's amazing. That person that's just perfect for you. So, they freak out every once in a while about things that you don't understand. Not a biggie, right?
Wrong.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the borderline puts their misery on you. They give you the feelings that they have. They start to accuse you of things, things that are so outrageous that you can't believe it.
I was warned by a psychologist that saw both of us that this becomes abusive, both verbally and sometimes physically. The BPD actually hit me one time, slapped me right across the face, harder than I've ever been hit.
I'll never be hit that hard again.
There were definitely good times with the BPD. Some parts of life were wonderful, but they weren't real.
I understand your point of view and experience but this blog is pretty presumptuous in terms of BPD which is extremely dynamic, by the way and everyone is different.
ReplyDeleteAll too often people try and say BPD are manipulative....this that and whatever else but this isn't true at all. People don't actually choose to be BPD, you know.
You are completely right that BPD's don't "choose" to have BPD. As a matter of fact, if BPD knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of their irrational/abusive intentions, they themselves wouldn't want to have it. Just because the BPD doesn't "mean" to be BPD, it doesn't make the actions any more justifiable.
ReplyDeleteManipulation by a BPD is subconscious. It's not kind of manipulation as say, a torturer trying to coax information out of a torturee. It's not as overt.
You're right, BPD is dynamic and everyone is different. In this blog, I'm telling my story, what I've learned along the way, and how it has affected me. This is intended for those with BPD to see what they do to their partner. More importantly, this is intended for partners to understand what others have gone through.
ReplyDeleteWhen a NON gets out of a relationship with BPD, we feel atrocious. Out sense of what's right and wrong is completely thrown out of whack. We've just spent a prolonged period of time living the life of a borderline through a borderline partner.
We need to heal. We need time.
This blog, I hope, shows the healing process that we go through, interjects some humor, appropriate song lyrics and other elements so it stays light, and brings in kindred spirits to help them heal through the process of recovering from a relationship with a person afflicted with BPD.
I'm not trying to judge people with BPD. I'm trying to get those that have had their souls crushed by a person with BPD through the turmoil and help make them whole again.
I have BPD. Conforming to someone elses interests seems strange but since we fear adandonment we just try to find ways to keep you from leaving...like if we had so much in common you never find anyone esle like me. That feels like its all we have to offer. We are so sad, so worthless, we have major identity problems and we are hopeless to ourselves. Sometimes copying a partner ca also be part of finding identity...like maybe this person can show me who I really am. BPD and non BPD have this in common- the need to be loved. We may go about it differently sure, but the way you feel getting over a BPD is how a BPD has felt their whole lives, like there is so much to be healed, but for us the healing never comes. We exist in heartbreak constantly. We can't love ourselves nor figre out who we are hence grieve our own death everyday of our lives.
ReplyDeleteI think on some point, BPD is trying to find someone who has similarities and qualities like them. They are attracted to an unsuspecting NON who is passionate, confident, energetic and has same interests and hobbies.. I think BPD will never attracted to losers or someone's too different from them at first place...
ReplyDeleteThat's why somehow, both BPD and NON thought that they WERE soulmate...
They would also projecting this NON to be someone they even adore more. Someone perfect. Some kind of prince charming with a white horse...
A NON, somehow become sucked into their world, trying their best to be her prince charming..
Eventually, she will be dissapointed, that the NON, her perfect prince charming apparently just a normal human with many faults and weakness.
And that's when the idealization turns to be devaluation..