Friday, April 2, 2010

BPD Family Problems: Children's Inheritance

I forgot about this until today -- the life that the BPD's little girls had to live because of their mother's limited abilities. I'm not talking about the BPD's parents or other family members -- you can read about this in other posts where I've covered the BPD Family and these issues. Now, I'm talking about the immediate nucler BPD Family -- the children of the borderline. Not partners, but children.

BPD's Children: Inherited Behaviors

These are the people that I feel bad about. Their parent (usually their mother) is someone who does not have a good concept of reality. When there is not a significant other in their life, they will project their anxieties onto their children, so their children gain borderline traits, right from the onset.

Looking back to the BPD that I was in a relationship with, she was a decent mother -- she made sure that her children were well clothed, well fed, did the things that children did (such as have birthday parties and the like). From a superficial standpoint, they weren't missing anything.

However, there was definitely something missing. When you have a parent that's borderline, they're emotionally immature. They can't provide the emotional support that they don't feel, so the kids miss this. Without a solid parental role model in their lives, they could very easily repeat the patterns.

Clearly, the BPD was limited in a number of ways, as the label indicates. I saw some behaviors in the children, such as the oldest child was stepping into a parenting role for her mother, emotionally coddling her when she needed emotional support.

My daughter recently told me how the oldest girl was calling my daughter a liar about some issue which arose. These are the issues that bother me, because it wasn't just me who felt the impact of the borderline in my life. My children also felt it.

Unfortunately, the BPD's immediate family inherits some of the traits of the borderline -- it's inevitable. Hopefully, these children will be able to shed these traits in adolescence or adulthood so they can live fully functional, content lives. Many psychologists and psychology majors actually have disordered parents as they need to understand their upbringing, so maybe these girls will choose such a path.

Let's hope that they do well and can shed the borderline tendencies.

1 comment:

  1. I'm in a committed relationship with someone I love. We've dated for over 4 years. His daughter is very manipulative, threatens suicide, lies, and creates constant drama and chaos. My boyfriend is constantly trying to "fix" her and rushes to her rescue. Sometimes we can't get through a date, a vacation, a holiday or even a simple week without her creating issues. It has smothered our relationship and while I've been patient, and counselors have been involved, the situation has not changed. I love him, but the quality of our relationship has suffered. Our relationship is stuck and it is suffering and while we would like to get married, we can't under these circumstances. I've also told him I will not live under the same roof as her. That wouldn't solve the bigger picture but it is a firm boundary I've set. I feel our relationship is coming to an end which makes me sad. He is very good to me and my son, but the drama is just too much and he engages with her every time. His daughter was diagnosed with BPD about 6 months ago. She is 17. What advice can you offer? Can he and I have a normal relationship?


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