Friday, April 16, 2010

BPD Intimacy and Trust

It's a topic that keeps circling around my head, and the more I read about others' stories (many of you write to me), it becomes more and more prevalent in every story.

The relationships lacked trust. This is probably the worst thing to happen, along with relationships lacking respect.

If someone takes your trust, what do you have?

You can't have any amount of respect without trust?

How can you be intimate with someone that doesn't trust you and doesn't respect you?

Do you really trust or respect, or did you really trust or respect, your borderline (or suspected borderline) partner?

Without trust and respect, you cannot have intimacy.

So, let's go to work and figure all this out. Follow me here.

Trust: The Cornerstones of Any Relationship

Relationships with anyone are built on trust. If you have a quality relationship, you trust that person. They're critical to every relationship.

Think about this -- do you have a solid relationship where you don't trust the other person? I bet you don't. If you do, re-examine your definition of a solid relationship.

When I think about my time with the borderline, my support system had been weakened because I had gone through the divorce. Someone like me feels bad when you lean on your friends too much; you feel like you shouldn't do this because you'll strain the relationship.

In fact, my friends asked me when I was going through the divorce and talking about it, "why didn't you come to me?" This was a tough one for me -- when you're down, the last thing you want to do is go to your friends. I've always only wanted to go to my friends when I was good, not bad.

So, with a strained support system, I was prime for a borderline. Someone who fit into all my narcissistic fantasies, almost perfectly. I was a confident, strong man who could handle most any situation.

I was trustworthy. So when the borderline told me that she didn't trust me, I thought that in time, she would trust me. In time.

The time never came

Respect: The Other Cornerstone

Some may lose trust in a relationship but get it back. However, respect is the true cornerstone that becomes critical in the relationship. Without respect for your partner, what do you have? How do you look at that person and not respect them?

So, in these relationships, think about that. I would argue that the BPD cannot truly respect others, simply because they can't respect themselves. Without self respect, you can't respect others.

Intimacy: Taking It To The Next Level

Only relationships that have solid foundations of trust and respect can go to that next level, the intimacy that two people can share when they believe in one another. When they trust each other. When they want the best for the other person, they want the other person to be the best person that they can.

This isn't about amazing sex, because amazing sex can be had without intimacy. But when you're with someone and you feel this intimacy, the world gets even more special. Sex gets special. Going to the grocery store feels special. You feel like you're on life's mission with someone who gets you, and gets it.

That's true intimacy.

Unfortunately, without trust and respect, you can't have intimacy. Intimacy is based on trust, respect and a selflessness that borderlines simply can't get to.

Think about what you want out of life. Do you want the constant battle? The lack of trust, being treated poorly? I heard from someone who has a borderline partner that has cheated on him more times than he can imagine, and he feels like he's the one with the problem because he doesn't trust his partner.

Don't live that life. Live the life where you can trust openly because you're with someone that's trustworthy and respects themselves, you and trusts you. Then you can reach the next level of intimacy.

1 comment:

  1. Getting over a BPD breakup after 5 years. You summed it all up.


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