Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Save Your Soul: Borderline Torture

It's one of those stories that you hate to tell, but it's true. One of those examples of abuse by a borderline. One that when you look back, you can't believe that you put up with it.

The problem is that when you look back, it was so strange and bizarre, so much something that you cannot explain, that you just block it out. However, when you look back, you know that it was detrimental.

One Sunday, the borderline fires up the stereo and puts on the Jewel song, "Who Will Save Your Soul." Then she comes to me, looks at me, and starts singing the lyrics.

People living their lives for you on TV
They say they're better than you and you agree
He says "Hold my calls from behind those cold brick walls"
Says "Come here boys, there ain't nothing for free"
Another doctor's bill, a lawyer's bill
Another cute cheap thrill
You know you love him if you put in your will

Who will save your soul when it comes to the flower
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?

We try to hustle them, try to bustle them, try to cuss them
The cops want someone to bust down on Orleans Avenue
Another day, another dollar, another war, another tower
Went up where the homeless had their homes
So we pray to as many different God's as there are flowers
But we call religion our friend
We're so worried about saving our souls
Afraid that God will take His toll
That we forget to begin

Who will save your soul when it comes to the flower
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?

Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill
You got social security, but that don't pay your bills
There are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay
So you bargain with the Devil, say you're OK for today,
You say that you love them, take their money and run
Say it's been swell, sweetheart, but it was just one of those things
Those flings, those strings you've got to cut,
So get out on the streets, girls, and bust you butts.

Who will save you soul when it comes to the flower
Who will save you soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won't save you own?

I was dumbfounded. She was convinced that I was telling lies, telling more lies, telling more lies. These were the things that chipped away at you, slowly but surely, you slowly but surely have more and more taken away from you.

When the person that you love, that you are willing to spend your life with, is telling you about lies that you've told, it hurts, plain and simple. How could she think such things about me? How could she tell me that I am lying to her when I tell her, time and time again, that I'm being honest?
- All the three hours talks
- All the efforts
- All the time that I spent trying to make her feel more comfortable
- All the lunchtimes I spent with her trying to make her feel comfortable
- All the fights that I accepted responsibility for things that I didn't do wrong
- The times that she kicked me out of her house and changed the locks, twice, but I came back because I thought she understood

It didn't matter. She still thought that I was telling lies. Unfortunately, that's a mental disorder for you.

That's what I realized, no matter how much I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't change her. No matter how much I tried, no matter how much goodness I tried to infuse into the relationship, her anxieties and fears overruled them.

I obviously took missteps also. I'm a free spirit, so those with control issues have difficulties being with me. She misinterpreted many of my intentions, whether it was her disorder or my outlook I'm not sure.

Regardless, playing a song like this, "Who will save your soul after all the lies you told, boy," after all you've tried to make her feel comfortable, is just mean and heartless, and abusive.

Another sign to get out. Don't accept the unacceptable.


  1. "She misinterpreted many of my intentions"
    That seems to be a recurring theme with them. I would do something I thought was nice and she would misinterpret it as some kind of jab at her. I used to call it the no good deed goes unpunished syndrome.
    I would look at her just dumbfounded and say 'How can you possibly get 'this' from 'that'?' Then id spend the next hour trying to explain my intentions-which never worked anyway.

  2. - All the three hours talks
    - All the efforts
    - All the time that I spent trying to make her feel more comfortable
    - All the lunchtimes I spent with her trying to make her feel comfortable
    - All the fights that I accepted responsibility for things that I didn't do wrong
    All resound with me as well and I'm sure if I wanted to I could come up with more. This is the month more crap hit the fan and I ended up moving out after only a couple months od living together. It also marks at the end of the month the year anniversary of seeing her break a glass and cut her wrist in front of me. It's been an especially hard week with all these memories floating around, plus I saw her drive by a local establishment the other night while I was out with a friend and had even more emotions dredge up. Not to bad though as I was able to mostly go back to what I've been doing with little thought of her but it was still there and it sucked to see her nonchalantly drive by, window down, cig in mouth as if the world was all fine's been five months and I still can't believe it all happened like this.

    After I saw her I reminded my inner child (I had very little desire to be impulsive and break NC) about a few things I do not miss:
    -her accusing me of sleeping with three different female coworkers of mine (although she certainly had slept with hers).
    -everytime we had a major outing her sleeping with Ian (that I know of), last May I wasn't even moved out and she was with him.
    -Realizing she actually dated me and this other guy the whole time we were "together", she just went from one to the other when the "relationship" wasn't there and treated us both like crap (I know what she said about him to me and can only wonder vice versa).
    -I even allowed myself to be with her knowing she had been with him, again and again and again.
    -her impulsiveness to get me back into the relaionship, usually sex.
    -How awful of a picture she painted of me and how well she played the victim to her parents, friends, ect.
    -her cutting herself and me having to call 911 and watch her get hauled off to the police because I was at my wits end.
    -her lying about it (even today she "covers" her scar with a bracelet but it will always be there).
    She even made up some story to her work about having fallen while biking and that's why she missed a few days of work. Her co-workers even sent her flowers to our home! She told our mutual friends she cut herself doing dishes.
    -How I was tender with her and helped bathe her after she arrived home from the hospital because she made me feel guilty because I hadn't gone with her and she had to go on facebook and have one of her contacts give her a ride home (male of course, wonder if she ever slept with him?).
    -calling me the day I was moving my things out to help her go get a rental car because hers died (she had also lied to me about sleeping with Ian and later I read an email she sent to her BF on the day she called me about her doing this).

    I have my sanity back, slowly getting less addicted. I still miss her but I've encountered so many new opportunities and people that I never would have. I'm building deeper relationships, some days are better than others, I'm accepting that she wasn't the "one".

  3. Good for you...I'm not there yet...but hell I so wish I was...6 weeks ago my partner of 9 1/2 years left and I am struggling with the pain of it all. Even though I knew she would never accept her part in it all (past experience) I keep longing for her coldness to go and her love to come back (it did briefly...we had 4 wonderful days and slept together...then I was all bad again) this I received a 3 page letter outlining my abusive behavior during those days. She has launched a smear campaign telling friends and family I am abusive, manipulative and controlling...and that I have been having an affair for the past 4 years. I have our 20 month son on my own now...and don't know what to do...the more compassionate and kinder I am as I try to manage my way through the ensuing legal separation the more I am called controlling and manipulative. She has gone straight to the lawyer...unlike all the other times when she cooled down and came back (usually anytime from 3 days to 3 months later)...all that is different this time is that her sister died tragically 6 months ago - this seems to be a major catalyst (thats not to say the relationship didn't have its struggles). No contact is impossible due to access to our son. Earlier this week she told my best friend how abusive I am and has sent me a 2 page letter outlining the devastation my supposed affair has caused - I have not read this as I'm trying not to step back into the chaos and defend something that isn't real...I have not had an affair. When I do not contact her she calls me aggressive ...when I do I am controlling - not sure what the "in between" option is?! I miss her, and I wish desperately she would own her part and get help - meantime I know I need to break free for the sake of my son and myself - BUT HOW? My head says grieve and move on there is no hope...but my heart still loves her and longs for change for the sake of our son...any thoughts?

  4. Do you really want that kind of mother figure for your son? Borderline Personality Disorder is a severe mental illness. I dated a BPD for 4 years, and am just understanding now what happened all that time. You have to believe that you deserve better than this because you do. It is hard to be hurt by someone you love and you want to have all the answers. But with a mental illness, there aren't many logical answers. All you can do is match up the symptoms. You will find happiness when you find someone who truly loves and respects you. Then this girl you are thinking about now will be making another guy's live a living hell.

  5. "She misinterpreted many of my intentions"

    WOW....MY 8yr NPD/BPD exGF (3 times she left/disappeared) used to say to me on almost a daily basis..."The road to HELL is paved with GOOD INTENTIONS"

    After going through her Chemo/Surgery/Radiation and living in the hospital every night for 6 months....she left for a guy that she has forever called "incompetent".

    What am I missing here?...Other than my soul now!


Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.