God my mind won't stop moving with this entire thing. I still miss her. I miss the things that we did together. I miss the world that I built. I miss all those things.
Here are some of the things that I've realized:
- My world isn't bad now. In fact, it's pretty good. I've built a pretty good world around me.
- I will meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs (I think..:))
- If I don't meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs, I'll be okay
- This healing thing is a process
I met an old lover of hers this past weekend and we compared notes. Just as I thought -- she made him into some monster that he isn't. She told me that he used to lie all of the time, he was a narcissist, etc. The stories he told were just terrible -- the things that she did, and the things that he let her get away with. No frigging good.
God she was a frigging maniac, now that I think about it. I loved a maniac. I loved a sick person who used her body to fulfill some sick inner needs. God, the things that she told me were so twisted by her. Amazing.
The worst thing is that when you're with someone, they abuse you. It's a gradual process that they put you through. They invade boundaries and put the responsibility on you.
One of the very early boundary invasions was when she questioned me: "Who filed for divorce -- your or your wife?"
Why does this matter? Because she needed to know if I was kicked out of the marriage and that I'm a bum, or if I left on my own.
I told her that I left my now ex wife. I didn't tell her that she had filed for divorce, however, because of a number of reasons. We tried to put the marriage back together, but it wasn't going to work.
She actually had looked up the court records and found that my ex had filed for divorce. Who scrutinizes another at such a level? Who has the time to do such a thing?
I took it, apologized for not telling her upfront, then she gave me some speech about being honest with her.
This is abuse, I now know, and it's one of the tricks of the abuser. They make you feel like you've done something wrong when, in fact, they were the one that violated the boundary. A counselor indicated that the relationship would become abusive. They told me that after 6 months. From the beginning, it was abusive. I didn't know it.
The abuse was rampant throughout the relationship. She regularly violated personal and professional boundaries because of her misery and trying to put as much as she could on me. I took it. Ironically, after the counselor told me that the relationship would be abusive, she suddenly began calling me abusive. That's funny, every time she learned something new (most times things that I taught her), I became that:
- I was a sex addict after she watched an Oprah show on sex addicts
- I taught her about the term "projection" and I was suddenly projecting my guilt onto her
- I taught her about the term "passive aggressive" and I was suddenly doing things to her in a passive aggressive manner
- She read a book on narcissists. I was suddenly a narcissist, and so was her last boyfriend
God it just never stopped. Yet I still miss her and her insanity. The relationship, in my mind, was pure and innocent. Obviously, she felt otherwise.
I think I suffered from my Dulcinea syndrome though.
I just want to be over her. I want to be over her so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to just be done. But it is like an addiction. You do anything to have one more interaction with her.
Enough. Time to move on. Life's too short. Enjoy every moment. Celebrate everything, including your defeats. They all have a greater purpose.
What was the purpose of this one?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
Take The Next Step
I can tell that there will be days when it's difficult, but I've definitely turned a corner. I miss the relationship that we had, the good parts of her. I don't miss her. In fact, I can't stand her.
The events that took place in the past week showed me her true colors -- they showed me who she was, how she acted regardless of the stimuli. I won't take responsibility for 'screwing with her' anymore, because I didn't. She can make me feel like I did, but I didn't. There's no way to do the things that she said -- I'm just not made up of the things that she says.
It's a shame that she's crazy. There's a side of her that's the best. Unfortunately, that side's not the true her. It's someone that she's formed over the years, but it's not the ugly person that's underneath the surface.
Oh well, onward. I can't always write about it and wallow in it. Time to move on. Get myself together. Update the iPod so the sad songs aren't in there anymore. I'm tired of being sad. Tired of wallowing in my own pity. Time to enjoy life again. I'm tired of worrying about a crazy.
What did I learn, the biggest thing I figured out from this?
Never date a crazy.
The events that took place in the past week showed me her true colors -- they showed me who she was, how she acted regardless of the stimuli. I won't take responsibility for 'screwing with her' anymore, because I didn't. She can make me feel like I did, but I didn't. There's no way to do the things that she said -- I'm just not made up of the things that she says.
It's a shame that she's crazy. There's a side of her that's the best. Unfortunately, that side's not the true her. It's someone that she's formed over the years, but it's not the ugly person that's underneath the surface.
Oh well, onward. I can't always write about it and wallow in it. Time to move on. Get myself together. Update the iPod so the sad songs aren't in there anymore. I'm tired of being sad. Tired of wallowing in my own pity. Time to enjoy life again. I'm tired of worrying about a crazy.
What did I learn, the biggest thing I figured out from this?
Never date a crazy.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Me Time
Enough of this. It's back to her turmoil. We haven't spoken once, and via email and text messages, she has me back in anxiety land. She's back to:
- Telling me that I'm a liar
- Telling me that I'm a sick person who is screwing with her
- Not saying anything nice.
I can't do it. She sent me a message saying that she needs to move on, and the protocol now is to contact her and beg her, or go over to her house to prove that I want her. After I didnt respond, she sent me a real nasty note saying that I would never be like Jeff (her ex husband) and I'm downright evil.
Mom and Dad told me that I shouldn't talk to her at all. Cut off all communication altogether. Chris told me that he was disappointed in me.
Looking back at the past week, this was the way my life was every day. That sucks. No one, I mean NO ONE deserves that crap.
Know what it's like when you're with someone who, when you tell them something, later tells you that you said something different.
It's insane.
She's insane.
Unfortunately, over time, you begin to question your own sanity. Even though these issues are clearly hers, she makes them yours.
And you take some of them. You can't help but do it. It's a shame, but true.
In the end, it's just too much. Way too much for anyone to take. She's going to have to get herself some help or she'll keep repeating this pattern over and over.
I used to be afraid that she'd find someone that she wasn't this way with. I can't be afraid. That's not my problem. In three to four months, I'll be okay, I know it. I'm beginning to feel better already, actually.
It's time for me. Time for Den and putting some time into himself. Things to do:
- Get the career on track. Write freelance or for an industry that I want to. Try to get my tail back into the fishing industry in any way possible.
- Learn how to make that guitar sing like a little girl. Make that baby cry, do whatever I want it to.
- Finish the book
- Get into kick ass shape
- Keep getting the kids together
- Get the finances in order
Enough of this bullshit. That's what it is bullshit. I'm not here to continually make someone feel good so they can shit on me. Not only that, the stuff she says isn't true. I've put my time into someone who's truly psychotic. Enough of this bullshit.
Time to go. Update the iPod so the sad songs are gone. Shed the martyr, feel sorry for myself, sad shell and put on a new coat of armor. Tired of feeling bad. Time to feel good and live my life to its fullest.
- Telling me that I'm a liar
- Telling me that I'm a sick person who is screwing with her
- Not saying anything nice.
I can't do it. She sent me a message saying that she needs to move on, and the protocol now is to contact her and beg her, or go over to her house to prove that I want her. After I didnt respond, she sent me a real nasty note saying that I would never be like Jeff (her ex husband) and I'm downright evil.
Mom and Dad told me that I shouldn't talk to her at all. Cut off all communication altogether. Chris told me that he was disappointed in me.
Looking back at the past week, this was the way my life was every day. That sucks. No one, I mean NO ONE deserves that crap.
Know what it's like when you're with someone who, when you tell them something, later tells you that you said something different.
It's insane.
She's insane.
Unfortunately, over time, you begin to question your own sanity. Even though these issues are clearly hers, she makes them yours.
And you take some of them. You can't help but do it. It's a shame, but true.
In the end, it's just too much. Way too much for anyone to take. She's going to have to get herself some help or she'll keep repeating this pattern over and over.
I used to be afraid that she'd find someone that she wasn't this way with. I can't be afraid. That's not my problem. In three to four months, I'll be okay, I know it. I'm beginning to feel better already, actually.
It's time for me. Time for Den and putting some time into himself. Things to do:
- Get the career on track. Write freelance or for an industry that I want to. Try to get my tail back into the fishing industry in any way possible.
- Learn how to make that guitar sing like a little girl. Make that baby cry, do whatever I want it to.
- Finish the book
- Get into kick ass shape
- Keep getting the kids together
- Get the finances in order
Enough of this bullshit. That's what it is bullshit. I'm not here to continually make someone feel good so they can shit on me. Not only that, the stuff she says isn't true. I've put my time into someone who's truly psychotic. Enough of this bullshit.
Time to go. Update the iPod so the sad songs are gone. Shed the martyr, feel sorry for myself, sad shell and put on a new coat of armor. Tired of feeling bad. Time to feel good and live my life to its fullest.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
God I Miss It Still
After saying my goodbyes, sending my goodbye note and going through my goodbye ceremony, it feels like it could come back together. I don't think it can, but I think that it's the feign that happens before we finally say goodbye for good.
This is a shame, that I think like that, but I don't believe that she has what it takes to put it back together. I don't know if I have what it takes. It's so painful without her, but I don't think being with her would be better. It would be back to turmoil. No way to deal with that either -- if she refuses counseling, then there's nothing I can do.
This could just be a quick reminisce session, I don't know. There's a part of me that feels like I could put it back together. I know that I'm up for the challenge, but is it what I want? This would be my life -- there would be a large chance of divorce, a large chance that we'd be back apart in a short period of time, and I'd pull lots in -- our kids in particular.
I miss the good times. We were so good together, when we were together and we her paranoia didn't set in. We were so good together. We were so good together when it was us and we were working together. I loved it when we were firing on all cylinders.
She hasn't turned anything bad yet, but if there's a time to turn it bad and see my responses, now's the time. We'll see if she turns it bad or not. I'm holding my breath.
God I miss what we had. I can't imagine myself back there though. I can't imagine it at all. That's the freaky thing though. It would be a completely different world for the two of us.
It's a long shot. A real long shot. Not sure what's right now, but I feel...strange about it all.
Going to continue on my path. Keep going to the gym, working on me and the kids. Not sure what to do. Can't go back to the world like it was before, but want to go back to the good parts of that world.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Delawhere?
It started there two years ago this past weekend -- she came down and we had the time of our lives. The absolute time of our lives. We ate sushi every night (had me-so-horny soup before the sushi), drank martinis and had our naked coffee talk, exposing ourselves to each other.
At that time, I thought that the naked coffee talk was so special, so magical. She was the first that had been comfortable with themselves to do such a thing, and that spoke volumes. Sit there, talk about life and what drives you, completely exposed and stripped down.
The problem is that's just your physical appearance. A lot more goes into a person that's beyond the beauty. Just because the woman was comfortable with her nakedness doesn't mean that she's comfortable with her true self.
I was looking for someone that was comfortable in their nakedness and with their true self. She wasn't comfortable in the second, no matter how she tried to convince me. My god, she has tried to convince me.
Anyway, I learned a lot this weekend. I learned that I had a world that was wonderful, that had so much hope and so much happiness, before I met her. The world was mine, a world that I built, a world that I loved. A world where I was respected and treated with decency because I have that integrity.
A world where I'm the guest of honor and annual conventions, and I present awards, give seminars, etc. I loved that world.
The divorce made me leave that world. She wanted me to leave that world. You need to do what makes you happy, and that world made me real happy.
Think it's time to make a change.
It makes me crazy because she thinks crazy thoughts, things that just aren't true, particularly of me. It's so much about her, so much about her world and her mind and what everybody's doing to her. At my expense.
I'll never let this kind of thing happen to me again. Ever. Too much pain, too much turmoil, too much of the nightmare.
Someone told me she was like an addiction, and she is. Absolutely addicting. But she's vilified me so it doesn't matter. I'm the monster according to her.
Don't want to be told this anymore because it's just not true.
At that time, I thought that the naked coffee talk was so special, so magical. She was the first that had been comfortable with themselves to do such a thing, and that spoke volumes. Sit there, talk about life and what drives you, completely exposed and stripped down.
The problem is that's just your physical appearance. A lot more goes into a person that's beyond the beauty. Just because the woman was comfortable with her nakedness doesn't mean that she's comfortable with her true self.
I was looking for someone that was comfortable in their nakedness and with their true self. She wasn't comfortable in the second, no matter how she tried to convince me. My god, she has tried to convince me.
Anyway, I learned a lot this weekend. I learned that I had a world that was wonderful, that had so much hope and so much happiness, before I met her. The world was mine, a world that I built, a world that I loved. A world where I was respected and treated with decency because I have that integrity.
A world where I'm the guest of honor and annual conventions, and I present awards, give seminars, etc. I loved that world.
The divorce made me leave that world. She wanted me to leave that world. You need to do what makes you happy, and that world made me real happy.
Think it's time to make a change.
It makes me crazy because she thinks crazy thoughts, things that just aren't true, particularly of me. It's so much about her, so much about her world and her mind and what everybody's doing to her. At my expense.
I'll never let this kind of thing happen to me again. Ever. Too much pain, too much turmoil, too much of the nightmare.
Someone told me she was like an addiction, and she is. Absolutely addicting. But she's vilified me so it doesn't matter. I'm the monster according to her.
Don't want to be told this anymore because it's just not true.
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