What I'm Looking For

Show Me What I'm Looking For

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…oh Lord

- Lyrics by Carolina Liar

If you're in a relationship with a Borderline or coming out of one, ask yourself what you were looking for and how the BPD filled it. You dealt with turmoil and dysfunction to fill those holes.

Now, go figure out how you can get those holes filled in a healthy manner.

The Borderline Vengeance Switch -- Snap Your Fingers

I recently heard from someone who has BPD tendencies who told me what it's like to be borderline and to feel the intense anxiety. One thing that they mentioned was what they called the Vengeance Switch.

If you've ever been with a borderline, you know what I'm talking about.

It's like you could snap your fingers, and the borderline changes from being this sweet, loving person who cares so much about you to a person that hates you, is so full of anger and rage that they will destroy you.

When you experience the vengeance switch, if you've experienced the vengeance switch, it can be a terrible thing to witness.

My relationship with the BPD saw the vengeance switch occur quite regularly -- every day around 3 pm, she thought that I called her to 'screw with her.' I would end up having 30 to 45 minute conversations in an attempt to make her feel better. The conversation would then continue into the night where we would talk for hours until she felt better. Most every day was like this.

When we were first dating, this switch would occur approximately two hours after we separated and I went back to my home. Like clockwork, her anxiety would reach a point where she would just freak out and call me, accusing me of something, from watching transvestites to having many girlfriends sprinkled all around the country...some of the things were so outrageous that even thinking about them makes me tired.

Borderlines will be borderlines. She needed the drama, the excitement, and all of it. She once told me that her previous boyfriend was a narcissist. She told me that she studied them and that they like living a life that is like a movie, with all the drama. I then learned that borderlines are the most narcissistic of all people.

Bottom line -- she was the narcissist, projecting her feelings onto others.

Back to the Borderline Vengeance Switch. It seems to be quite prevalent for all borderlines, and I think it's because they get so fearful, so much anxiety that it needs an outlet. This switch allows them to get their anxiety out, but unfortunately, they lose control, big time. Their fears all come out, usually in the form of blame and anger on another person.

If you feel the vengeance switch on you, remember, you've done nothing to spark that. It's something within the Borderline that has made that happen. Borderlines cycle, so if it gets too bad, get yourself out of the situation for a while.

As long as you have the right awareness and knowledge of these kinds of events, you have the tools that you need to address them and, at least, protect yourself.

Be sure to protect yourself if you're dealing with a borderline when they have their vengeance switch.

My Waterproof Cell Phone

The BPD was so suspicious of me communicating with others that I initially found it comical. I'd go to the bathroom and get super-uncomfortable. From the second date, she would accuse me of talking on the phone or text messaging when I would go to the bathroom.

Looking back, the BPD was so uncomfortable in her own skin, so insecure, that she couldn't handle anything. Her not having a job made things worse, as she had nothing to do except put her microscope on me and examine every aspect of my being, even when I went to the bathroom.

How crazy is that? Someone was so suspicious that they even questioned when you went to the bathroom. I've journaled about this before; if I spent too much time in the bathroom or if it didn't stink enough, I was doing something.

If you have this life, I'm sorry. You have to decide whether this is acceptable or not.

Anyway, I used to joke quite a bit with the BPD about this sense of insecurity. My rationale was always that I wasn't doing anything wrong, so I could joke all that I wanted.

I used to tell the borderline that I was going to get a waterproof cell phone so I could call my other girlfriends when I was in the shower. It would sound something like:

h-e-b-e-l-l-o-b-o, i-b-i-b-i-t-s m-e-b-e-b-e-b-e,

I-b-I-b-I-m-b-m-b-m-b-m i-b-i-n-b-n t-h-e-b-e s-h-o-b-o-w-e-b-e-r,

sh-e-b-e c-a-b-a-n-t h-e-b-e-r-e-b-e m-e-b-e t-a-b-a-lki-b-i-n-g i-b-n h-e-b-e-r-e-b-e

Then we'd laugh and laugh and laugh. The borderline would even laugh when I'd do this impersonation of me with my waterless cell phone. I'd also tell her that I was going to go into the back yard and send smoke signals to other women.

Funny, but sad.

One time, she found an old cell phone of mine. She called old friends and girlfriends, telling them that I had gotten diseases from prostitutes.

I learned about many of these things after the relationship had ended. Still, I probably would have stayed, sad to say.

The woman and her anxiety tried to destroy me and my integrity. Amazing that a person would go to such ends to control and oppress another person.

Wow. Thinking about this now gets me quite upset. I should have seen these things for what they were.

So, the waterproof cell phone was funny, for a while. However, it grows old and you get tired of such worrying.

You shouldn't have to worry like this.

My Old Car

I have an old car that I love to drive. It drives wonderfully, when it runs. It gets great fuel economy, and I was hoping that my son would someday drive it.

It's a safe car that runs well.

The problem is that the car is a 1997 and continually has problems. Big problems:

• I was at the beach and the car ruptured an oil line. I had to stop every 20 miles and put more oil into the vehicle
• The car continues to lose power on a regular basis when I go up hills. It's a turbo diesel and multiple mechanics can't figure it out.
• Most recently, the car's sunroof is now leaking

I sit there, always thinking to myself, if I fix this one more thing, the car will run well.

Just one more thing and everything will be fine.

I felt the same way about the borderline. If I do this one more thing, she'll trust me and all will be well.

If I tolerate this one more time of abuse, all will be well and she'll trust me.

Just one more thing and she'll trust me.

I stayed in the relationship from the beginning thinking this and never learned.

My old car is now for sale.

Thanks to Everyone For Their Comments

Thanks to each of you for your comments. I don't respond to them so I can keep this blog anonymous but I truly appreciate them.

I've found that we each have a story to tell, and our stories are similar. Yet they're different. We each have something to contribute, and I welcome all of your contributions. What I write isn't gospel; it's merely my opinion, my feelings, my life, and how I have navigated in the past couple of years.

I welcome your differing opinions, your experiences, your battles. Why you came here and what you've found. How I can help make this better so we all can heal, or if we're almost through our healing, how we can grow into better, more enlightened people.

Can You Fully Recover From a BPD Relationship?

When I first embarked on my journey after being in the relationship with the BPD, I never thought that I could get back to normal. But what really is normal, I would think.

The books and forums say, do the work. The only way you can heal yourself from a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is if you Do The Work.

• Figure out why you were in the relationship.
• Figure out what drew you to that person.
• Shed the BPD tendencies that you inherited from being in a long-term relationship with a BPD.
• Feel comfortable with yourself again. In a word, be comfortable in your own skin.
• Shed any codependent tendencies that may have gotten you into the relationship
• Learn to love yourself, not loathe yourself

So you go to counseling. You read book after book after book. Then you read some more. You get dismissed from counseling because you are back to "content," but you need more. You don't know what it is, so you read some more.

Then you find The Lord, which fills the hole. You learn about spirituality and what it's like to take yourself, your partner and your kids out of the center of your universe and replace it with another -- God.

Suddenly, things seem to make sense. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't require cataclysmic change. When you're ready, it's there, and it's so simple. I went to church and found what I had been looking for. Suddenly, the pain was still there, but it had lessened.

Don't get me wrong -- putting all of this together took some time-- about a year after I first went to church. I was still hurting when I was fooling myself and saying I'm healed in this blog, silly me. I wanted to be healed so badly.

Time Heals The Wounds

It's true, but time certainly does heal the wounds. Over time, if you have done the work, the pain diminishes until it's all but gone.

Your life is so different now. It's so calm, and for the most part, you're content. You still want some things to be different, but something has happened. You understand everything a little better. You're now older, wiser, and much more appreciative.

Sunsets are once again glorious and spectacular. When the sun rises in the morning and you're fortunate enough to witness them, you realize how thankful you are for having such a special, privileged life and such wonderful friends and family.

You're a different person. But you're the same. You've refined yourself, made yourself a little less vulnerable and have come to understand much more. You've grown into the person that you've always wanted to be.

Being in a relationship with a person afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the toughest things that a person can go through. You'll never feel more ripped apart when the relationship ends. It's like a drug addict that needs their fix, the non needs the BPD to idealize and then demonize them. When it ends, you're lost. Completely lost and utterly alone.

When the relationship with the BPD ends, it's an opportunity to become the person that you always dreamed. It's a wonderful growth opportunity, although you will not always know it. It will be the toughest thing that you do, probably ever. Career challenges, raising children, and doing intense athletic events such as triathalons and marathons pale by comparison. Those events are short-lived -- this lasts for quite some time.

When you get through it, you'll be an amazing person.

Yes, you can fully recover from a BPD relationship. You must commit to recovering and do the work. Then, life will be wonderful.

The Grand Finale

Today was the day -- or maybe it was next week -- but for history's sake, I'm going to mark today as the day that we last spoke, for the final time.

I was at work, and she was in her normal rage. She had told me goodbye, and me, in my not normal self, immediately put myself on a dating site. The BPD had done this one of the many times that we broke up, and she had done it once again this time. She put herself on a dating site.

I put myself on one too. She freaked out. Absolutely freaked.

Now, just to recap, the BPD had put herself on a dating site when she broke up with me. However, when I put my profile on that same dating site, the BPD freaks out.

I start getting text messages that say, "As you read this message with your sadistic shit eating grin, I hope you die in hell with Satan."

I can't believe that I remember that, but I remembered it. In fact, I saved that message on my phone for months. When I would feel real weak and want to reach out to the BPD, I'd look at that message and remember that was her thought towards me.

Then after that, the drama got worse. Her messages went to "ohhhh, I'll miss you....goodbye my lover..." It was so strange, from one extreme of hatred to total disarray.

The saddest thing? I fell for it and played along, fully engulfed in the BPDs drama. She was so upset that I was on a dating site yet had herself on the site before I was there. 

The following day, we spoke on the phone, and she was raging at me. Telling me how bad of a person I was, again, and telling me how all of this was my fault. 

She then told me that she would be going to a bar by my house and not to go there. I told her that I was closer and I was going there. Her response?

"I'll start dating the bartender and get you kicked out."

Huh?

This was the grand finale. Someone that I thought that I was going to marry, someone that I looked at buying the dream house with, someone that I fully let go, tells me that she's going to start dating a bartender to get me kicked out of a bar?

There's priorities for you. 

Things Get Better -- Much Better

I haven't provided a posting in a while, yet visitors keep coming to the blog, which, in turn, makes me feel like I should post. One of the main reasons that I feel so compelled to post is when I review the keywords. 

As someone who was up to his eyeballs one year ago as I began to detach from a person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, I've been there.

As someone who is close to, if not fully, healed from the scars that a relationship with a BPD inflicts on you, you CAN get out and live a better life.

I've been there. I know the feeling. I never thought that I could do it. You can do it if you want though.

How To Get Out Of A Borderline Relationship For Good:

1. Create a solid support system of friends, family, co-workers, 12-step, support group...whatever you can before you leave the relationship. Have people to lean on when you need them. In the end, though, this is YOUR decision, and you will have difficult times. Just be prepared for them.

2. Commit to yourself -- commit to improving yourself and making yourself feel better. If you feel that you were codependent (you probably were), join groups like Al-Anon. See a therapist.

3. Be sure to get spiritual fulfillment -- Go to church, synogague or whatever form of organized religion that you subscribe. It's critical to have this support while going through this type of change.

4. Recognize that you will have difficult times, but these difficult times will make you a better, stronger and more secure person. Change is difficult, but in the end, it helps you become a better person.

5. Spend your free time with your support system and have friends that you consider "lifelines" when you need them.

6. While healing, learn about yourself -- learn why you fell into such a relationship, what warning signs to look for in the future, and how to ensure that you are treated well in the future.

7. Frequent websites like www.bpdcentral.com and the Welcome To Oz newsgroup. These support groups are invaluable as you sever ties with a BPD and begin to understand what happened.

You can and will be a better person in the end.

I realized that the relationship was critical to my development -- critical to making me a whole person. To be the person I am today, I had to endure quite a lot of difficulty -- quite a lot of abuse from the BPD relationship. Now, I am a stronger, more confident and secure person.

Good luck in your journey. It can get better and you can get out of it.