This may be more of a challenge than you can imagine. I can tell you first-hand.
The BPD Must Be The Primary Focus of Your Life -- Always
You have someone in your life that demands that they be the primary focus of your life. You want to dedicate enough time in your life to your career so you can get ahead and do well.
You have a conflict.
If you don't address the conflict, the BPD will wreak havoc on your career. By nature someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder demands that you focus on them. You need to pay them attention at every turn, so if you pay attention to them, they will:
- Call you and fight with you while you are working
- Accuse you of doing terrible things while working
- Accuse you of having affairs with people at work, be them the opposite or the same sex
- Bring the turmoil of your relationship to your workplace, any way that they can.
My ex BPD was the worst at this. She did all of the above, including actually kicking me out of the house when I was at work and when I was traveling. She was so insecure, so afraid, so Borderline that she couldn't handle me being at work and focusing on something else.
Looking back, I feel bad for how badly she must have felt to go to such extremes. If you knew me (read the blog and you'll get a feeling for who I am and what I'm about), I am the opposite of what the borderline projected onto me. That's why I was such a perfect fit for her insanity. I refused to accept it, which was the perfect game for the borderline -- and for me.
Lunch Together Still Isn't Enough
The BPD distrusted me so much -- she didn't believe that I was a good person -- so much that I eventually asked her to have lunch with me most every day. She would come pick me up from work and take me to lunch. I usually bought us both lunch, spending nearly $20 a day on our lunch (I don't have that kind of money, but I spent it).
Regardless, she still was suspicious. She still accused me of cheating on her, she still accused me of calling her at 3:00 "just to screw with her," and did a number of other things like this.
Bottom line: You can't have a successful career and have a relationship with someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder.
The Constant BPD Accusations
One time, when she was traveling and I wasn't having lunch with her, her sister said that she saw me in one place, when I wasn't there (this was during lunchtime). The BPD started a huge fight with me when I told her that I wasn't there, accusing me of cheating on her and lying to her about being at a certain place. These were all within 1/2 mile of each other.
She tried to pin me down so much that she demanded that I tell her my whereabouts. I eventually went to the bank and asked them to furnish another copy of my ATM receipt to prove that I was not where her sister said I was. Then, when I gave her the receipt, she told me that the time was wrong.
Still Healing from BPD Abuse
Even though I am years out of this relationship, thinking back about this makes me realize how much this kind of treatment and lack of trust actually did hurt. I still am healing, just like most of us that are here, from this BPD mistreatment. It will take us time to heal, and we will all continue to heal.
Yes we will continue to heal. No contact being the first step to recovery. The BPD knows this and will try anything for your attention. My ex BPD still makes his presence known. I have a new home,new landline phone number,i never reply when he txt my works mobile phone. The last time being January...blank text. Just to scratch at my wounds. Then he went to where my daughter works for a tattoo. Why would any sane person do that?! He owes me money and he knows my daughter will also know this. You would think there has to be other tattoo shops where he is with his new family. I know there are lots in that area. But then his intention was to hurt me further. For what???? I gave my all to the relationship and received so much abuse. I was totally empty at the finish. Nothing left in the tank for me. He never gave his all....BPD's never do. I wonder if that's because they know what lies ahead. After all,they have been there many times. He certainly managed very well after the break up. Moved on to a new family. I really was in the gutter. I feared for my sanity. Still on medication and went through counselling. One to one with a man and i fall to pieces.
ReplyDeleteI am doing a qualification at my work this year and i said to my friend that if i'd still been with the BPD i wpould never have managed to do it. Your so right. Everything has to revolve round them.
I just started learning about BPD this year. I have realized that my Ex stepmom had and has BPD. The woman I just broke up with has it as well. After learning about all of this and thinking about the past, I in many ways feel at peace and in some ways want to lash out in anger. My stepmom wrecked a lot of havoc. She was always quick to accuse, would get mad if I didn't spend "enough" time with the family, would go crazy if I even spent one minute more with my mom's side of the family, never understood my feelings or realized that I hurt, and most of all complained if I didn't give "my all". The funny part of that is that I may not of been perfect but I sacrificed a lot and tried hard to make our relationship better. She did't give her all. It was always a double standard with her. She bad mouthed me and my dad to my sisters that it is one of the reasons why we don't get along. My one sister may be BPD as well. I hope that the mental health community makes more people aware of this disorder. I hope that in the dating world, I steer clear of women like this. The only problem is, how can you tell if they have BPD or not? Thank you for this site. It definately helps me.
ReplyDeleteDoes anyone have a relationship with a therapist who they believe has BPD. I think my did . The dynamic became crazy. She played the victim when my therapy ended. She lied, hacked my email, distorted facts, refused to give me my file. She is nuts and still practicing. And worst of all teaching.
ReplyDeleteThe Board did nothing. She got away with her abuse. It is so sad.