Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Similar BPD Experiences With Fellow Nons

It's oh so true. All of us Nons have the quite similar, if not the same, experiences with our (ex) BPD partners. It scares me sometimes how similar it is.

One recent comment included a statement that said, "that sounds like something that my exBPD would say." You don't know how many times I thought that when I read an email, a comment, something sent by one of you. It amazes me.

BPD Jealousy

The worst part about it was that when it first happened and I would get those comments, a tinge of that old BPD jealousy would kick in, and I would actually wonder, "is that her?" The roots of the BPD relationship are deep, and we feel them for months, if not years.

Yes, we have all shared quite similar, if not the same, experiences. It's so bad that I can give you a list of them:

  • Your BPD partner cheats on you, but eventually tells you 
  • Your BPD partner constantly tells you that they hate you, but then will pull you back in for a number of reasons
  • Your BPD partner does not trust you at all; at first, it was their fault because of their past, but eventually, it became because of you.
I could go on for hours. It's a shame, but they experiences are so similar...

BPD Habits and Behaviors

These can only be described as BPD habits and behaviors. There are plenty of reasons that I've described throughout the site, but unfortunately for us Nons, we have to live with these behaviors. They are similar, there's nothing that we can do about this.

Bottom line -- maybe the comment that I received was from a BPD partner of someone who visits this site (we do get thousands of hits on this site). Maybe the comments that I get regularly are about my exBPD partner. I don't know.

It really doesn't matter, though. We're in recovery from these people -- contact is the last thing that we want.


  1. Found your site recently. I've never experienced anything like what I went through with (what appears to be) my BPD. Have read things here that sound so much like my experience - with, and after the BPD - that I will definitely explore your site further. Thanks for your courage in sharing your experience.

  2. I have found this site recently too. I'm divorcing a BPD woman now and I've started my recovery process about a month and a half ago. I haven't connect the BPD for all that time even I still pay the bills for the flat she lives in and it'll be easier for me to get the papers from her and go to the bank. I prefer to go to all that offices in a city I don't live in anymore just not to connect the BPD again. Specially now when she signed the divorce agreement with me and I'm afraid that she might change her mind...
    But what I want to say is that I've red many stories about BPD behavior in a relationships and marriages and they really are basicly the same with my own one and the same one to the other. The BPD tells you "I hate you" and then asking if you want to go shopping with her. The BPD tells you she can't stand you anymore and later on she is offering you a cup of coffee. The BPD breaks your personal property such as computer; lap-top; perfumes and aftershaves; throws your clothes out of the window and even makes false accusations about you at the police office. And when you go at the end, the BPD feels victimized and blames you on everything wrong in the relationships. The BPD cheats and sometimes she is telling you that straight in order to make you feel unworthy, underminding the fact you'll leave her for doing that. The BPD often puts you in a "no win situation", specially if you ask her for something you need. But if you have to offer something instead - the BPD might be interested. The BPD is devaluing you when she is attached by someone else and then playing nice with you when there's no one around. The BPD tries to punish you when you're finished with her. But when the BPD needs you, she blames her actions and behavior on you. And if you had a long therm relationship with a BPD, you should know that she can't move on easily and she still misses you somehow. But she is on the way to find another victim and usually this person is either a wakoo like the BPD herself or an abuser. So the BPD will devaluate him soon and either she'll try to get back to some of her EXs (including you) or she'll get depressed and start hurting herself.
    The BPD is a vampire who needs nothing less than a silver bullet!

  3. The BPD is a stalker too. My BPD ex stalked me on Thursday. I expected she'll try to reconect and I had read that the BPDs stalk, so I was ready.

  4. Well...I too let myself be taken in by a bpd..at first..he was depressed and told me his life story. He shared past hurts and abuse...he wanted a "friend"...when I took the bait...I was no longer needed..the crazy making began..calls all day and night then abruptly ended when I needed him the most! It is sad and very hurtful...you share your soul only to have it destroyed..the good thing is it gets better in time and you are wiser and less willing to share your soul with just anyone...

  5. My experience is rather short lived. We dated for three months and many of things that are suggested above had happened, sabotage, looking for any reason to make her the victim and me the aggressor. This happened at the same time she would tell me I was the best she had ever met. So she offered friendship and I accepted. That was about 9 months ago, I can say we have had a good friendship although its been inconsistent. I mentioned I wanted to take a break from the friendship for 6 weeks after a major meltdown with a recent break-up. I had become exhausted by the emtional turmoil and the innate situational experience of being sucked in emotioally only to be discarded later. She would metion dark subjects, I would worry and wouldnt hear from her for a month. It just became very tumultuous. Anyway, she started putting me in the "guys who have treated her like shit" box. For wanting a break from the freindship! I didnt understand and an argument ensued. She wouldnt let it go but went to her other friends to get more ammunitio,m that Im wrong? I basically caved in and called a draw to say we were still friends. Which is OK. I never thought asking a casual friend for a break would feel like I was abandning her like all the assholes in her life who either had, or simply abused her and her co-dependence.

  6. Well ...my first visit to this site and first post. First of all, I can feel how it helps me continue my healing, thank you. Second, don't know if I would recommend visiting a BPD site. I just did, trying to continue my understanding from their perspective. And it only made me feel more invalidated. So be careful if you choose that avenue. They even had posts there of how to have multiple sexual partners to feel better about themselves when they felt unwanted or uncared about. Then ... they would go back home to 'us'. Can we say the confusion continued?

    I too was in a much better place before this experience. And I think we all need to understand it's not all the BP's fault. We all have our own reasons for being attracted to these unhealthy people and places. So while we're needing to heal, we still need to continue our own work so we don't get sucked back into an illusion they we helped to continue.

    I'll pause there as I feel much more content keeps me closer to this unhealthy place. And I want to feel the sun on my back and wind in my face again. Smiles and laughter instead of anger and resentment. We all can choose to survive or wander still hopelessly. I'm going to choose survive, and move on. I know it won't be easy some days. But I have already seen those days that have been brighter. And I choose to focus on that memory, than the one's that sucked the life out of me. One day at a time. One week at a time. One month at a time. Come join me. :)


Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.