I've done quite a few races in my day, but nothing like this.
I can't explain to anyone who didn't go through it how bad it was. I can't explain the feeling I had when I was climbing the rock face -- maybe I should just go down. I can't go down, because there is someone behind me.
It's tougher to try to go down than it is to finish climbing up. I'm almost there.
I made some huge tactical errors in the race. My water system (a Camelback) was moldy, so I brought no water. I also didn't bring enough food with me anyway.
Can't Explain How Bad It Was To Others
I can't explain to anyone else how bad the race really was. When I describe it to others, I can see that they can understand that it was bad, but not anywhere near as bad as it really was.
Jennie saw me finish the race. When I finished, she saw the mud that was caked on me, up to my thighs, and she saw how long it took me to get it off. She still doesn't understand how bad it really was.
No one that I told understood what I really went through, how I felt, and how the race made me feel. I bonked halfway through the race because of my lack of food and water. No one felt any of those things.
Sound familiar?
Too familiar I'm afraid. I stayed in a dysfunctional marriage with my uBPDew for 16 years before she made the right decision for both of us and simply "moved" on. It's been a year now since the divorce. And although I wish I could say I was as 'successful' as she was at starting over, I have started my own recovery. I've found it to be very much like your own race. I had my major ups and downs and sometimes, sometimes I just crashed. Having said that I would just like you to know that your forum, and others like it, gave me the resolve I needed to keep trying. There were times when I didn't want to continue, but like you wrote, going back was not an option. Knowing there were others who could understand and relate to what I'd been through made the biggest difference in my starting over. There is a light at the end of the BPD tunnel and that is my goal. Thanks again for keeping me on track.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds very familiar. One of my ex BPD partner's biggest complaints was that I had no idea how I made her feel (just the negative feelings of course).
ReplyDeleteShe was unable to get over even the smallest of disagreements because if I said even the slightest thing to hurt her, she was never able to forget and forgive me for it. And then, everytime she raged, she would bring up just about everything I had ever said or done to hurt her.
During those rages she would tell me that I didn't understand how she felt. At first I didn't understand because I couldn't fathom how she could be hurt by the trivial things that the rest of us wouldn't blink an eye at. But, after coming to know her I did begin to understand.
It isn't normal for most of us to deal with such an overly sensitive person. We may not be able to completely put ourselves in someone else's shoes, and feel what they feel, but with understanding and experience we can learn to empathize.
Going into our relationship my borderline tried to teach me about her sensitive feelings by giving me the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". There was some helpful stuff in that book, but it really wasn't enough to prepare me to have a relationship with a BPD. Looking back I wonder if she knew she was disordered from the very beginning.
She was almost fanatical in her attempts to make me understand how sensitive she was and how she felt about every little thing. And for the most part I was a pretty willing learner. However, my willingness to understand her feelings ended up putting my own mental health at risk. My borderline thought that I, and everyone else for that matter, should feel exactly what she felt.
I think that is one of the reasons that they throw the vengenace switch. Something reminds them of a past hurt, something for them that was so severe that they can't get over, and they rage in an attempt to make us feel as badly as they do.
She was successful at making me feel badly. She cut me deep and now I'm here at this site healing the wounds and learning from the experience. A big lesson for me in this is to learn how to be empathetic rather than sympathetic with other people, and maybe even myself.
Hmmmmm, I'll have to think more on that one. Still learning!