The time I spent with the BPD over the holidays was great in some ways. Overall, Borderlines can be wonderful around the holidays, as they pay such attention to detail and can be so creative that they really make some things truly special.
The house was always decorated in a wonderful fashion, and Christmas kicked off us looking for a house together as the first house that we saw for sale was actually a Christmas tree farm.
I only spent one Christmas and New Years with the borderline, but during those holidays, I felt like we were most secure.
Light Gazing
The town in which we lived had large McMansions -- quite a few neighborhoods of them -- and many of these homes would decorate their houses quite ornately. The houses looked amazing. We would often go through the neighborhood, gazing at lights together as we would drive around while our kids were home, waiting for us.
The main reason that we were out was because we wanted to smoke -- what a shame that habit had such a hold of me, like the borderline did -- but we spent quite a bit of quality time together as a result of that smoking habit.
We also started looking for a house to buy, together. The Lord works in mysterious ways as we never did that because her house wouldn't sell and the bids we put on houses weren't accepted. One year later, houses that were empty for the entire time that we were looking sold for $50,000 less than we initially offered. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
New Years Drama
On New Years, the BPD couldn't help herself. I'm not sure what sparked it, but she was upset -- quite upset. It may have been because her dead husband had choked her and she called the police on him one New Years, probably the one before he died. Regardless, I was it on New Years and she unleashed her fury for hours. I forget what it was about.
Eventually, she came around and we went out. We went to an expensive dinner, spending hundreds and drinking martinis all night. The borderline was in her normal drunk mode, but we were at a restaurant where there was a band and dancing, so we danced the night away. She was so drunk that she threw up and kept dancing. Luckily, I was driving that night. I think everything worked out fine for the rest of the night.
One Year Later -- Sadness and Redemption
A year later was when the BPD and I had just broken up. Scars were raw and I was trying hard -- as hard as I could -- not to communicate with the BPD.
I was successful, but I did pay the price. I cried and cried and cried. I remember sitting at my uncle's house, closing my eyes as I lay in his family room, the tears running down my face. Looking back, I think it was because I was on a prescription drug to stop smoking that makes you quite sad, but I didn't realize the impact it was having on me.
For those of you that are first breaking the chains of a borderline relationship, it's hard -- probably the hardest thing that you'll do, or so it feels. You can do it. Commit to it, then actually do it.
New Years was a whole different kind of animal for me. I had joined an online dating site, and a woman had taken a liking to me. We went out once and things were very nice. She had asked me to come over for New Years as she was having a party at her house. I graciously obliged and went to her house.
This woman could drink, and I drank along with her. Unfortunately, I got more drunk than I can remember getting in quite some time. I got LOADED -- not a good thing to do when you're trying to win someone's interest -- and I *think* I behaved myself. We weren't physical, and I never tried anything with her -- after all, it was our second date and her kids were there. Not appropriate.
Regardless, she never talked to me after that New Years Eve. Any attempts that I had made to contact her or go out with her were returned with gracious "sorry, I can't...I'm busy" or something like that.
It didn't matter. The chains had been broken. I realized that I didn't need the BPD, I no longer depended on her. It was still tough -- real tough at times -- but things got better.
If you're in this right now, and it hurts, I know it hurts. I'm sorry. It will get better.
Commit yourself to healing, and you'll heal. Take the steps outlined here -- I'm now working on better outlining them -- and get yourself better. You can have a normal life if you seek it out. We'll try to help you seek the normal life.
Monday, December 28, 2009
3 comments:
Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.
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Maybe it's just me but time with a borderline can seem like it was much longer than it actually was, probably because of all the drama and energy one puts into that relationship.
ReplyDeleteTwo years ago, I was married and having the affair with the borderline so I'm sure I spent it with my ex wife and friends (but it seems so long agao I can't remember). I hate how selfish I was...it would only be months later that I left my wife for her and then all the drama began. Remember, when YOU get closer they panic!
Last year the borderline and I had just gotten back together besides me having been seeing someone and her having gone back to a former fling. She of course shared a moment of clarity with me that still amazes me till today and I was sucked back in. It had also only been 2 months since she had called me up after taking a bunch of sleeping pills and ended up in the psych ward for a week when I had broken things off. I was so excited to have her back, we made big NYE plans despite her keeping all this from her friends and shaming me about it. We had VIP tickets to an event on the town, had hotel reservations in a fancy hotel and had a extravagent dinner that night. I recall her 'dressing" up for sex (which was amazing) before going out. She always made the sex such a high point that it was literally addicting and she controlled me with it. The night as I recall was drama free somehow and we had a good time, though I vaguely recall a minorr disagreement at somepoint in time but with all the booze and smoke we had who knows. She liked to drink, smoke and have sex for sure that's how we had met and how we interacted. Little did I realize that only after 2 months she would be pressuring me into moving in with one another (when I raised red flags she accused me of not wanting to commit). We did for 2 months before the MAJOR drama unfolded and the police were invovlved.
This NYE, I have plans to be away from the city, my phone number has been changed adn I'm hoping very little thoughts will stray to the borderline and who she'll be screwing...it has gotten better, the lack of proximity and the fact that she's focusing her attention with another guy and still ignoring me has helped to dull the loss and I've gained more sanity each day. Borderline rebounds are good in this way but I know eventually she'll make her attack, why else did she keep my things?
Happy New Year folks!
The holidays are hard for some reason and my ex borderline was dysregulated for most of them while we were together. So I don't know why I had a hard time with the holidays recently- maybe because I'm not disordered and I am able to think good thoughts? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteBut healing from one of these relationships literally takes WORK. It's not just waving bye bye and getting over it. Borderlines have a way of getting under your skin and getting into your insecurities. They get into your psyche...
I've been no contact for months now and it is still hard but nothing like the first 3-4 months. I sat on the couch and cried and cried. I still do at times but it goes away quicker now. I believe that we have to dig into the reasons that we stayed around it for a long period of time- and I think going back to my family origins I have realized a lot of it. But it takes a lot of work and soul searching to fix the broken-ness of ending a relationship with someone who may have bpd.
I am also learning to get over the delusional blame. He blamed me for each and every part, twisted stories and re- created reality to fit his mind. That has been a struggle to work through but it can happen.
Happy New Year and good luck to all recovering from something like this.
Last year I organised a christmass diner with my BPD-ex for both of our families (to show how good we were). Everybody thought it was so nice and we made such nice food and decorated the house. Yess, we were the perfect couple.
ReplyDeleteThe dark side was that there was a lot of rage from her that holliday. I remember leaving her house mulitple times, crying in my car.
It was my first black and white christmass.